[kgalindo]

I have been married 3 years together a total of 7 years he is verbally abusive and has been physcial to me we have 2 small kids together all we do is fight all the time almost every day he does drugs and I finally got fed up and I am trying to leave him but he swears this time he has changed for good he now is crying to me and he is being so understanding and says he is sorry and he will treat me like a princecess and everything will be OK I just need to give him ONE MORE CHANCE he says... and I feel so mad and upset and I feel like I am done but I do not know if as his wife I should give him another chance... because I do not feel like I am in love with him anymore I feel so sad and mad at him that I am OK with not being with him ever again but I do feel really bad like I have a obligation to him because h is my husband what should I do?? please I needs your thoughts and opinions??

[tawnynkids]

First, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Drug addicts/alcohols give the best most sincere apologies. Unfortunately it isn't safe to believe them without some proof. You and your children would be best served if you at least separate at this time. Put some distance between the two of you. Require him to go to rehab, go to anger management, get counseling, stay clean, and treat you with the utmost respect. I would recommend you and your children enter counseling immediately as well. Having lived with an alcoholic once if I were you I would under no circumstances believe him right now. I gave that "one more chance" more times than I can count. You want to believe the best in them, the man you see inside them that they can be. Problem is he isn't that man right now. It will only get worse from here if you do not do something drastic. So leave. Surround yourself with a lot of support and if he is serious he will do his part by getting the help he needs. You do not and should not be there to "help him through it". He needs to do it on his own and you need to heal and make sure you get in the right place as well with yourself. You can't live in a relationship like and not have yourself esteem suffer to at least some degree. I don't know how long all that will take. It is different in every situation. But it won't be fast. You will either be better of without him or he will turn it around and you guys could have a chance. Listen to the advice of your counselor whether and when a reconciliation could or would ever be possible. I split with mine. Completely. It's been 10 years and he is the good man now that I once saw in him.

If you do leave, go straight to a lawyer, do not mess around. You will want to get immediately custody of the children. Without a court order to protect you he has every right to the children that you do. That includes taking them. You may feel that your children need their father but at this point he isn't being one. Protect them. That is your job. They will not hate you for it in the long run. Trust me. They will if you stay and continue to subject them to this. Do not let your motto be "he has never hurt them physically, it's only me" because not only would you be kidding yourself, that can and will change. If he hasn't ever touched them he has emotionally and not in a good way. You need to show them a better life. Better role models. If he straightens up he will have his chance to be a great dad for the rest of his life. But you must do it legally to protect yourself and those kids. I am sure you would never hire a sitter who has the "qualifications" your husband does to leave your children with.

Please, please trust me... "one more chance" is all it takes to never get out. Do not buy the excuses and don't listen to "no one will ever want you!" crap because when they get mad they can go from "I am so sorry" to "you'll be sorry" in the blink of an eye.

I wish you the best. Blessings...

[Sunshine2]

I have been married 3 years together a total of 7 years he is verbally abusive and has been physcial to me we have 2 small kids together all we do is fight all the time almost every day he does drugs and I finally got fed up and i am trying to leave him but he swears this time he has changed for good he now is crying to me and he is being so understanding and says he is sorry and he will treat me like a princecess and everything will be ok i just need to give him ONE MORE CHANCE he says..... and i feel so mad and upset and I feel like I am done but i do not know if as his wife i should give him another chance....because i do not feel like i am in love with him anymore i feel so sad and mad at him that i am ok with not being with him ever again but i do feel really bad like i have a obligation to him because h is my husband what should i do??????????please I needs your thoughts and opinions ???????????

This sounds all to familiar. Just think about alllllll those other times, when he had really changed. You also have an obligationj to yourself, first and foremost. No one deserves to be abused, in any way. I just got out of a terrible relationship and I know how you feel. There is a point where someone can kill any love you ever had for them. Your kids can pick up on the trouble and as they get older, they will believe that your marriage is "normal." Listen to your heart, love is not what you have right now, you can only gain by ending it.

[Fr_Chuck]

I am sorry for all the things also, but I will keep my simple, run, don't walk, why are you even still there. Who cares if he uses fake tears to control you, this is called emotional control. Let him cry, let him threaten, ( next he will threaten to hurt hisself, expect it)

Get those kids out of that house NOW

[MicheleEB]

Yeah just one more time may be the time that he truly hurts you. If you don't have a lot of money there are shelters etc for women and children in abusive situations. If you don't know where to start see if you can find a child protective service or family services office they will be able to point you in the right direction.

[robertsqueen]

You need to leave him. If he is physically abusive, and verbally abusive, and into drugs what kind of example does this set for the children? Also if you don't leave he might harm your children, and that would make you feel horrible. The abuse cyle is that they are abusive, then it's the honeymoon phase (which you are in now), then the abusive phase again. GET OUT!

[J_9]

Sweetie, this is what is called the cycle of abuse. They get angry then they lash out, verbally or physically, then the apologize (it will never happen again, I have changed, I will treat you better, you deserve better than me, etc, etc), then comes the honeymoon stage where everything is wonderful again... for a very short time.

For the sake of you and your children it is time to move on. This is not healthy for your children as they will learn that this treatment is okay, and it is not.

If you do not have any family in the area, get yourself into a shelter. Please save your life before it is too late.

[J_9]

Sorry, Queen dear, had to spread the love, but looks like we were thinking EXACTLY alike!!

[kgalindo]

I know what I should do I just feel so bad for hurting him because he does cry to me and in some way I know it is a game but then I think what if its not and he truly means it. I know for a 100% fact that I am not in love with him and I am actually into another guy I work with and I think about him all the time but I do not know if that is true feelings or if its just the attention I get I am so confused and scared to make this big of a decision and then later regret it and I know I should just leave because he has hit me and is been verbally abusive almost the entire time we have been together but I just do not feel strong enough to leave yet but everyday I am so unhappy I need something to motivate me.

[tawnynkids]

You need something to motivate you to leave... wanting to stay alive and not subject your kids to this should be reason enough. Thank God I was never hit, but emotional abuse is enough! I understand what you are feeling, truly. But it will really only get worse. He does meant it when he cries and says sorry the only problem is it won't keep him from doing it again.

[Sunshine2]

Kelly, Even if it does not work out with the guy you work with, you are still better off without your husband. It is not fair for you to be miserable either. Honestly, if you are not in love with him anymore, or maybe you never were, then you cannot make yourself feel this way. There are a million men out there and there is somebody out there for you. Take a chance, get mad. Eventually you will get mad at yourself for staying and wondering about what you could have. I have been through this. The only regret I have is not doing it sooner. You and your kids deserve better.

[kgalindo]

And every time we have sex I am thinking about someone else and sometimes I think that will go away and it never does I hate having sex with him I dread it I try everythng to not have to do it and I do not want to tell him that because that will hurt his feelings is that a normal thing?

[J_9]

I know what i should do I just feel so bad for hurting him

But you know, he really does not feel bad for hurting you when he hurts you. So, why should you feel bad? Do you feel bad when he hurts you?

he does cry to me

Oh, Boo Hoo. Who is he kidding here? Just a manipulator's way of getting you to stay and it is working isn't it? He does not love you, this is NOT how lovers treat each other.

I think what if its not and he truly means it.

He doesn't

I am actually into another guy I work with

Whoa Nellie!! Slow it down a notch!! First of all you are in an abusive situation so this dude is just rebound. Someone to make you feel good when you are feeling down.

Also remember that workplace relationships don't work. Bad combination here.

I do not know if that is true feelings or if its just the attention I get

You really do know the answer to this, don't you?

scared to make this big of a decision and then later regret it

Regret what honey? Staying alive? I would never regret saving my own life.

i know i should just leave because he has hit me and is been verbally abusive almost the entire time we have been together

You know it and you are right!! The bruises and the abrasions go away with time, but the mental anguish can live forever.

I just do not feel strong enough to leave yet

When will you feel strong enough? When your children are reading your Eulogy? You have to dig deep and find that strength, it is in you, but he has buried it. You just have to uncover it.

I need somthing to motivate me.

How about happiness? How about a good life without being afraid that you will say or do something wrong every day?

If that does not motivate you... Try writing your will because you don't know what will happen today, tomorrow, or next month.

I had a friend who was in a very abusive situation and her family tried EVERYTHING to get her out, but she made excuses much like you are. So they took her to a funeral home and had her pick out her coffin so that they would know that she would be happy in her final resting place. Sounds harsh, and drastic (I thought so too when they did this to her), but it presented just the amount of shock value that she needed to get out.

She divorced him and is living alone with her children because she wants to raise her children before subjecting them to another possible creep. And you want to know what happened to her ex? He is rotting in prison in Florida right now because he killed his girlfriend in a fit of rage.

I know this is not how you want to live your life. So, look deep, find the courage and uncover it, you had it once, it is still there but buried. Get out of the hopless situation while you still can.

Good luck to you dear, my heart goes out to you. But know that we are here when you need us.

[Sunshine2]

For a lot of women, sex is a very powerful thing. Once you have sex with someone, there is a bond that is there. When you have sex with someone that you truly do not love in the romantic sense, it is like forcing yourself to do something that you really do not want to do. It is just gross! If your heart is not there, for whatever reason, it will not feel right period. Obviously if you are thinking of someone else, that might be a good sign that you need to move on. If you husband has to ask you to submit himself to you, he does not deserve to be submitted to. Once trust is gone, sex is nothing. Without love sex is nothing. You might as well be having sex with a toy (which would probabaly be better than the alternative!) This too shall pass, try sleeping in another place for awhile if you stay, it might feel strange at first, but after a couple of nights, it feels really good. One more thing, when a woman has sex with a guy and they are fighting, the guy tends to think that everything is OK afterwards. The problem still continues and the woman begins to feel like his toy or his possession. Sex can be great with the right person, I would strongly suggest moving on if you want to experience the true meaning of real, true, deep, meaningful, selfless love. Yes, I am a pisces and I do believe in this still. Love is not sex. Sex is a wonderful gift from God that you share in love. Good Luck!

[tawnynkids]

I would certainly hope it's normal to not want to hurt someone's feelings. And it is also normal to not feeling loving toward someone who isn't treating you with love. Sex is not love. He has hurt you very badly and I don't think anyone would blame you if you just plain flat out felt disgusted with him, at the thought of him touching you.

I also would like you to think about the fact that you don't have to leave for those kids to be taken out of the situation... your children can be removed by the state, if it's reported, from both of you if you continue to stay. Please protect your kids before someone else feels the need to.

You can't be his savior. If he loves you and the children those can be motivators for changing but your staying won't be. It will only be a reason why he doesn't have to change. You are dealing with the drugs/alcohol not the person. He chose to pick this stuff up and it will have to be his choice to put them down.

[kgalindo]

I have been married 3 years together a total of 7 years he is verbally abusive and has been physcial to me we have 2 small kids together all we do is fight all the time almost every day he does drugs and I finally got fed up and i am trying to leave him but he swears this time he has changed for good he now is crying to me and he is being so understanding and says he is sorry and he will treat me like a princecess and everything will be ok i just need to give him ONE MORE CHANCE he says..... and i feel so mad and upset and I feel like I am done but i do not know if as his wife i should give him another chance....because i do not feel like i am in love with him anymore i feel so sad and mad at him that i am ok with not being with him ever again but i do feel really bad like i have a obligation to him because h is my husband what should i do??????????please I needs your thoughts and opinions ???????????

Hey I am so lucky my wife has allowed me to see this and respond I have been all those bad things she has described and more I have been through ups and downs with this girl and I love her I admit I have had some selfish episodes through our life and should not have any excuse for my faults so I don't I have been hurt along the way as her and I just realized after being kicked out for 2 weeks what a dangerous hurtful game I have been playing because I felt the same way she did when I had enough I honestly feel what she is now and I want to be that too with her because she has worked so hard with me I feel no one else deserves it I truly understand what damage can be done after you make the choice to hurt and that is the real reason why I won't hurt her again I was being selfish and still think about me sometimes but I know it is about her and my precious children all the time and just hope and pray that she will give me a 2nd chance at my family with her because there is nothing else I want to work towards.
Never want to hurt them again!

[brandy681]

If he was abusive to you before getting married and that was what you said then why did you marry him? Just get out of the releationship why you still can and if you want to try and make the relationship work give your husband the altimadum of going to counseling and rehab, if he declines leave him plain and simple, leave. Do yourself and kids a big favor and leave him, this is not good for your kids and they should always be put first in your life. I recommend you to get out of the relationship now but this is your decision but you have to think what is best for the kids. Also you may have to put a restraining order on your husband because the verbal abuse could turn more physical if you decide to leave him. Don't just stay with him because he begs you and tries to make you feel bad about it because it will happen again and he will keep apologizing. Hope this helps!

[tawnynkids]

hey i am so lucky my wife has allowed me to see this and respond i have been all those bad things she has described and more i have been through ups and downs with this girl and i love her i admit i have had some selfish episodes through our life and should not have any excuse for my faults so i dont i have been hurt along the way as her and i just realized after being kicked out for 2 weeks what a dangerous hurtful game i have been playing because i felt the same way she did when i had enough i honestly feel what she is now and i want to be that too with her because she has worked so hard with me i feel no one else deserves it i truly understand what damage can be done after you make the choice to hurt and that is the real reason why i wont hurt her again i was being selfish and still think about me sometimes but i know it is about her and my precious children all the time and just hope and pray that she will give me a 2nd chance at my family with her because there is nothing else i want to work towards.
never want to hurt them again!

So, if you are the husband I would like to say this to you... you are right your family is precious. And I do believe people change. If you are serious, get the help you need to be that great husband and father. If she is willing to stay with you you owe that to her. Go to rehab, kick the drugs for good, go to anger management and get counseling with your wife. You posted here kindly (which shows a real interest to me) and accepted responsibility for your actions and that is a great first step. Follow through though buddy. I wish you all the best.

You may not be a big reader but here is a suggestion "The Anger Trap" by Les Carter available at any major bookstore and Amazon for only $10. And "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman also largely available. AND "Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love, New and Revised" by Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, and Susan L. Blumberg only $11.53 on Amazon. Buy them work on you and your marriage.