[6509965236]

Hi,

I have been dating someone who was cheated and damped 4 1/2 months later. He dated his ex for a year and 9 months. He is affectionate, loving and respectful me. However, something that I can't really describe still bothers me. I just wish he left at his term. I always feel there are unfinished business. For example, if I get cheat and damped and if I meet this person again accidentally, I will not want to talk to this person, which means I still have feelings for him even if the feelings are negative. However, if I left someone at my term, I wouldn't have strong feelings either way.
I always feel if a person get cheated and damped, it takes years for him or her to be in love again. He or she might be able to love someone, but not in love.
I know he loves me, but how do I know he is in love with me?

Thank you and I appreciate your answer in advance!

Diana

[phoenix1664]

Well you could always ask him but not to be blunt but is it not enough thas he loves you that in itself is hard to find and if he only needs time to fall in love with you the question is are you willing to give him the time.

[Krs]

Things take time.
Let these feelings grow between you together, if he was cheated on in the past, be patient with him, and let things take a natural process.

[Krs]

Don't feel anxious, be patient, talk and communicate :)

[6509965236]

Dont feel anxious, be patient, talk and comunicate :)

Thanks! I will try to do what you suggested.

[kp2171]

You've got to get past the feelings thing.

I've lost three big loves in my life. Two of whom cheated on me, resulting in the relationship being over.

I'm now married, happily, 7 years and counting. You don't think I have strong emotions about my ex's? Wrong. They are a fundamental part of my past. Even the ones who hurt me like hell... I still have some strong feelings for them. Some bad, some good.

Has that kept me from having a fantastic relationship? no. my wife is friends with her HS sweetheart (had a bad ending) and her ex fiancée (another bad ending).

So... there's no shame in feeling a little unsure or threatened... but you'll need to find a way to not project this fear into your relationship. He was heartbroken. A part of him is probably going to hurt like hell for a long time.

Does that mean he can't be in love with you? no. does it mean you might want to take things slowly? Maybe. I think it just depends.

After the last girl cheated on me, it was just 3 months before I started dating my wife. Was it a little too soon? Maybe. We went through probably 6 mo of me trying to clear my head... so it made for some frustration on both sides, but we both were willing to work through it.

So let him be angry and hurt. Its normal and natural. That pain can make him demand better for himself. Not necessarily all bad.

And even if he needs to take things a little slower, still, having feelings about an ex, good or bad, isn't a bad thing... at least in my mind.

[6509965236]

Hi, thank you for taking the time to write the lengther comments and your feedback was really helful!

You and your wife (then girlfriend)went through probably 6 mo of you trying to clear your head... did you fall in love with her? (Please forgive me if I offended you). Does it mean a person is in love if he (she) is happy or having a great relationship? Can he (she) still be happy in a relationship while he is really in love with another person?

I feel the more you were hurt, the harder to get over that person. Is this true with your experience?

If "a part of him is probably going to hurt like hell for a long time", which means he is still not healed, how could he be in love with me?

How can you tell if a man is in love with you, not just he loves you?

Thanks very much!

[kp2171]

I feel another long post coming on. Sorry in advance. I ramble.

how to define love? Ungh. =) I think there are stages of love, and the older you are and the more you've been through it, you understand the difference between love and "deep-like".

I think most relationships take some time to get to the real thing, but I really can't say you aren't there. I was at a place where I still had some feelings for my ex. When I saw her it really got to me. Yes, she was still attractive, but that wasn't it. Our paths would cross because of work, and I would rather have not seen her at all. It wasn't like I saw her and felt flushed with love. I saw her and felt sick to my stomach. It was a reminder of all the pain that I was trying to get through. And, again, you DO need to work through the pain, not ignore or bury it.

um... so could he love you while still having feelings for another? Well I think so. I can't tell you how he feels, but yeah. The middle breakup I had wasn't ugly, just bad timing, and in some ways I still have love for her. I'm glad where I am, I hope she's happy as can be, but I found love for my wife while I still cared for another dearly.

part of it is maybe I learned you just don't compare... as in you don't measure the next relationship too much based on the last. Each person is unique enough and each relationship has its own quirks... you just don't try to compare one too much to the next. Take the things you learned into the next, but don't try to make all the pieces look the same.

harder hurt = more time? Maybe. Reflex response is yes, but also it comes with experience. The first time I was hurt it took forever to get over, but I made some big, dumb mistakes trying to hold onto the relationship, and I didn't pursure any new relationships for forever. Not saying I needed a rebound, but I think I could have healed better had I opened up. So by the third time I was smacked in the face I was better and shaking it off and moving on.

did it hurt still like hell? Yup. I just knew more about myself and knew what I had to do to get right. So you are with a guy whose been hurt. The only thing I think you need to do is not drive yourself too crazy about what stage of love you and he are at. You might be a little cautious, you might need to give some room now and then, but don't overanalyze things too much.

we could all have better relationships if we just got out of our own way sometimes.

so... did I fall in love with my wife during those 6 mo? Id say I knew enough to know I was falling in love, to know she was good for me and I was for her, and I had to come to grips with this is really a serious relationship that id better get fully engaged in or out. Complicated by the fact she had a daughter. She wasn't needy, but she wasn't looking to just date around. She wanted, also, to be in the relationship or to move on. And... I had been planning to leave town when we started dating, so I had to get out of my head that my plans were worth changing.

I know its easy to type here... to say just have fun. To not overanalyze. Do the best you can. Even when a person is not "damaged" from a previous relationship there can be some awful pitfalls, and there's no guarantee its going to be better. All my emotional baggage has helped shape who I am.

I would rather have not been through much of it... but I was. So the best I can do is use it to do it right the next time.

so you feel really connected to this person, and you are starting to worry that you are in much deeper than him. You're feeling a little out of control. And you're worried that he's not ready.

all I can say is it's a risk you take... and, in my mind, worth taking. You haven't stated anything that's a really big red flag... something that would make us tell you to back off. So enjoy the relationship. Maybe you need to keep yourself in check a little.. understand its YOUR happiness you are looking for, not his. So if he doesn't seem fully engaged you have some thinking to do. You can give it time. You can back off a little and see how hard he chases.

there's no perfect answer cause there's no script. Its all ad-libbed. So try to simply be happy as best you can. You can't make another person do anything emotionally long term. If its right, hopefully hell see that. If he doesn't, he wasn't quite ready. In the meantime, try to have fun and relax.

[6509965236]

Hi, Sorry that I wasn’t able to respond to your email quickly. Thanks for your feedback and advice! They are very helpful! It is so nice to have someone to talk to and who understands. I have replied with more questions. Please see them in blue below under each paragraph of your email.

i feel another long post coming on. sorry in advance. i ramble.

how to define love? ungh. =) i think there are stages of love, and the older you are and the more youve been through it, you understand the difference between love and "deep-like".

Can you please explain to me the difference between love and "deep-like"?

i think most relationships take some time to get to the real thing, but i really can't say you arent there. i was at a place where i still had some feelings for my ex. when i saw her it really got to me. yes, she was still attractive, but that wasnt it. our paths would cross because of work, and i would rather have not seen her at all. it wasnt like i saw her and felt flushed with love. i saw her and felt sick to my stomach. it was a reminder of all the pain that i was trying to get through. and, again, you DO need to work through the pain, not ignore or bury it.

when you still had some feelings for your ex, what type of feelings was it? After how long of the breakup, you reacted this way? --"when you saw her, it really got to you". After how long of the breakup? the "it" ,what type of feelings were you refering to?

um... so could he love you while still having feelings for another? well i think so. i can't tell you how he feels, but yeah. the middle breakup i had wasnt ugly, just bad timing, and in some ways i still have love for her. im glad where i am, i hope shes happy as can be, but i found love for my wife while i still cared for another dearly.

"in some ways I still have love for her" What type of love is it? if a person loves you while still having felilngs for another, can he be really IN LOVE with you?
Also, what do you mean by "feelings", love feelings or something else?

part of it is maybe i learned you just dont compare... as in you dont measure the next relationship too much based on the last. each person is unique enough and each relationship has its own quirks.... you just dont try to compare one too much to the next. take the things you learned into the next, but dont try to make all the pieces look the same.

My boyfriend often tells me " this is so diffent..." I feel he is comparing eventhough I guess I should take it as a compliment. Because he is comparing, it makes me angry because I feel he is not over that relationship yet. Should I juge him if he is over or not base on this?


harder hurt = more time? maybe. reflex response is yes, but also it comes with experience. the first time i was hurt it took forever to get over, but i made some big, dumb mistakes trying to hold onto the relationship, and i didnt pursure any new relationships for forever. not saying i needed a rebound, but i think i could have healed better had i opened up. so by the third time i was smacked in the face i was better and shaking it off and moving on.

He told me he has moved on and the past was dead and buried. why I always feel if someone was cheated and dumped means there is always a unfinished business because he (she) was not tired of the other person yet, meaning you still wanted that person or you may still very well be in love with that person. It is different from if YOU are leaving the relationship, which means you are not interested in that person anymore (with exceptions). Therefore, how can you really completely move on?

when you tried to hold onto the relationship, you mean you continued the relationship with her, right? Or you meant you just couldn't date anyone else?
My boyfriend continued the relationship with her after he found out she was still with her husband (she had already moved in with my boyfriend)-- she had told him she was divorced. Does it say someting wrong about my boyfriend character?

Prior to this, she lied to him many times on other stuff. According to my boyfriend, he said he had never really trusted her in the back of his mind. He said he had never fallen in love with her. He said what he meat when he said to her he loved her--- " I love having fun with you" I don't know if he is saying this tring to make me believe my relationship with him is not a rebound one or it's true that he didn't fall in love with her. Can you really fall in love with someone if you don't really trust that person?



did it hurt still like hell? yup. i just knew more about myself and knew what i had to do to get right. so you are with a guy whose been hurt. the only thing i think you need to do is not drive yourself too crazy about what stage of love you and he are at. you might be a little cautious, you might need to give some room now and then, but dont overanalyze things too much.

Thanks for the great advice! I have been analyzing everything.
Can you please elaborate a little bit more or give me an example on "you might need to give some room now and then" ?

we could all have better relationships if we just got out of our own way sometimes.

so... did i fall in love with my wife during those 6 mo? id say i knew enough to know i was falling in love, to know she was good for me and i was for her, and i had to come to grips with this is really a serious relationship that id better get fully engaged in or out. complicated by the fact she had a daughter. she wasnt needy, but she wasnt looking to just date around. she wanted, also, to be in the relationship or to move on. and... i had been planning to leave town when we started dating, so i had to get out of my head that my plans were worth changing.

wow, that's a great love story!
If a man makes commitment to a woman, does it necessarily mean he is in love with you or could it mean he thinks this woman is good, right for him. which is more from the thinking, head part, not from the heart . while when you are in love, means you can't really think straight and is from your heart? My boyfriend wants to marry me. Does this mean he has totally moved on? I might be asking stupid questions. However, I always feel that the reason he's moved on is because he couldn't be with the woman that cheated and dumped him. It was not his choice. For that reason, it bothers me. What's wrong with me?

Let's say if your plans with your wife weren't worth changing, would you miss the woman who cheated on you?

i know its easy to type here... to say just have fun. to not overanalyze. do the best you can. even when a person is not "damaged" from a previous relationship there can be some awful pitfalls, and thThat's true! I don't know what's wrong with me. I just wish it was him who broke up with her. It's not I am afraid that he would go back with her in reality. I can't describe it what bothers me and why it bothers me clearly. I just feel if you left someone. It means you are done, but if you were dumped at the moment you were either in love with the person or dreaming your future together and having great time, then you found out this person is cheating on you and soon she dumped you.
eres no guarantee its going to be better. all my emotional baggage has helped shape who i am.

That's true! I don't know what's wrong with me. I just wish it was him who broke up with her. It's not I am afraid that he would go back with her in reality. I can't describe it what bothers me and why it bothers me clearly. I just feel if you left someone. It means you are done, but if you were dumped at the moment you were either in love with the person or dreaming your future together and having great time, then you found out this person is cheating on you and soon she dumped you.


i would rather have not been through much of it... but i was. so the best i can do is use it to do it right the next time.

so you feel really connected to this person, and you are starting to worry that you are in much deeper than him. youre feeling a little out of control. and youre worried that hes not ready.

all i can say is its a risk you take... and, in my mind, worth taking. you havent stated anything thats a really big red flag... something that would make us tell you to back off. so enjoy the relationship. maybe you need to keep yourself in check a little.. understand its YOUR happiness you are looking for, not his. so if he doesnt seem fully engaged you have some thinking to do. you can give it time. you can back off a little and see how hard he chases.

"maybe you need to keep yourself in check a little.. understand its YOUR happiness you are looking for, not his" Thanks! I really appreciate you remind me of this! My problem is I always think if a person who is cheated or dumped while he was still in love or was not tired of her, then there always be a unfinished business. It's just so diffent from if he leaves her eventhough in reality I know he wouldn't go back with her. This is what is making me unhappy. Maybe it's what I believe caused it " the more you can't get it, the more you want it"


Thanks again and I really appreciate your feedback and valuable advice! I look forward to your reply!

theres no perfect answer cause theres no script. its all ad-libbed. so try to simply be happy as best you can. you can't make another person do anything emotionally long term. if its right, hopefully hell see that. if he doesnt, he wasnt quite ready. in the meantime, try to have fun and relax.