[Caba35]

I met my current girlfriend about 8 months ago through work. She was 19 years old and had just gotten married to a 32 year old through the Mormon Church... Yikes right? Her family is composed of strong adherents to that particular faith and his is as well... She struggled with the religion most of her life and couldn't swallow it until she was going through a very lonely period in her life where the "Happy Go Lucky" Mormons swooped in and caught her up... Within less than two months she was engaged to this guy.

I had just gone through a divorce and had moved back to my hometown as a result. One night about 5 months ago and at work, one of my co workers pulled me aside and said that I should talk to "A" because she's struggling with something very similar to what I had. Lo and behold after several long , completely platonic conversations I had discovered that this girl was working 60-70 hours a week and supporting her husband who was working 4 hours a week then drinking and smoking pot during the rest of the week. She never had a physical attraction to him, couldn't even get turned on by sex with him and he blew most of their savings on music equipment because he selfishly had stars in his eyes.

As we got to know each other better on a friendly level we both started to fall for each other over the next month or so. She is extremely attractive and often says that she feels the same way about me, plus we connect and communicate on a extremely deep and comfortable level... I've never felt anything like it.

She eventually kicked him out of the house and we started seeing each other on a pretty regular basis.. 5-6 times a week; however, whenever I was with her I would notice her phone blowing up with calls and text messages often in the middle of the night... Sometimes I would wake up to her texting on the phone right next to me. She started to withdraw from me, which made me feel very insecure.

One morning while she was asleep I snooped in her phone and found not only text messages between her and her husband "I miss you"... "God meant for us to be together"... ""You can fall in love with me over time" (him... Although she also said that she missed him; however, as a friend in her life)... But I also found flirty texts to another guy... I approached her and she dismissed everything as out of context, assured me that she was in love with me and over the next week I struggled with the thought that her heart was elsewhere and religious pressures were getting to her.

One night at the end of that week... We were texting on the phone and she seemed distracted, quick and there were long intervals between texts... I knew something was going on. She was staying at her parents house and I drove over there to find her husband's car in the driveway... I blew up because that morning we had made love and she had continued to string me along through that night.

After a week of struggling with whether she wanted to go back to her husband, and continually lying about seeing him to me... she chose to commit to me. She said that she had never felt this way about someone else, she was intensely physically attracted to me and didn't want to lose what we both are convinced is a deep and profound love of each other... She told me that her family and religious pressures had surmounted long assaults on her and the thought that I would never trust her hurt her so bad that she had gone back to him.

Well now we are a month later and we have both fully committed ourselves to each other but I am having issues trusting her even in the littlest things. She goes a friends house and I don't believe that is where she's going, she goes for a drive while I'm finishing up work and all I think is that she's off with some other dude. I talk to her about my feelings and sometimes I'll become really accusatory and upset... This makes her start balling her eyes out and she says that it devastates her hen I assume she's not committed to me. She told me awhile back that when her husband asked if she was seeing someone else that she straight up told the truth the first time. Every time I ask her she says that I'm the only one.

How can I get to a place where I no longer put this love in jeopardy? Will time together heal this? Should we end this because it can never work? Does anyone have similar experiences or stories?

[N0help4u]

Do you explain to her that you DID trust her until she made it difficult for you to have that trust?

[odinn7]

You don't trust her now and that is going to be a big problem on your relationship. I can understand not trusting her as I would find it hard to do so also.

The problem here is that you set yourself up for this if you think about it. You got involved with her while she was still married to him, actually she still is married, and you expected what? She was cheating on him with you and now you are having trouble with believing her. Think about it. Also, she is 19... she still hasn't gotten to a point yet where she really knows what she wants and is probably confused, if not a little immature also.

So where do you go from here? That's entirely up to you.

[N0help4u]

I was thinking that too that he needs to ser the past aside if he really wants to mame it work.

[teacherjenn4]

You're involved with a married, cheating woman. You expect to trust her? How is that possible when she has lied to you about her husband and her other guy. If this is the life you've envisioned for yourself, then you'll have a lot of grief with this young lady. Time to move on!

[Caba35]

Do you explain to her that you DID trust her until she made it difficult for you to have that trust?

Yeah. Before I knew she wasn't trying to spare my feelings by keeping things from me. I explained to her last night that what hurts me the most is not that she has doubts, wonders, is scared, calls him... It's that she keeps those things away from me.

You don't trust her now and that is going to be a big problem on your relationship. I can understand not trusting her as I would find it hard to do so also.

The problem here is that you set yourself up for this if you think about it. You got involved with her while she was still married to him, actually she still is married, and you expected what? She was cheating on him with you and now you are having trouble with believing her. Think about it. Also, she is 19....she still hasn't gotten to a point yet where she really knows what she wants and is probably confused, if not a little immature also.

So where do you go from here? That's entirely up to you.

Yeah I not trying to shrug off any of my responsibility in this situation. It's not entirely on any one person. We both fell in love and she's trying to keep the pain of the situation away from me... I doing so she's taking it all on by herself and collapsing under the pressure.

You're involved with a married, cheating woman. You expect to trust her? How is that possible when she has lied to you about her husband and her other guy. If this is the life you've envisioned for yourself, then you'll have a lot of grief with this young lady. Time to move on!

I appreciate your input... Cheating is never that simple. She's not ruthless or uncaring.. She's a good person that is struggling with a very difficult situation (and corrupt religion if you as me)

I was thinking that too that he needs to ser the past aside if he really wants to mame it work.

Definitely. Everything else needs to fade away.

Thanks for all your responses! I appreciate your time so much!

[Jake2008]

How old are you? I presume you are more likely than not considerably older than her, if you have just gone through your first divorce.

I think it must be very difficult, and extremely confusing for a woman to be strong, or stay strong in what she wants in her life, when her family, and the morman's are pressuring her into an arranged marriage.

It is very unlikely that she had any say in the matter, if this was the case as you described.

With her being only 19, and having a husband, and shortly after that, a boyfriend in her life, she probably doesn't know what she wants.

I don't think that at age 19 that she could have "a deep and profound love" for you as you said; nor anyone.

It seems to me she is struggling with a great deal of pressure and guilt, with everyone in her life, including you. She isn't even allowed private conversations on her phone without you snooping.

I think you expected far too much, too fast, from a heavily influenced 19 year old, that you met only 8 months ago! Not to mention that your own circumstances of being divorced recently adds to all the confusion.

I think for many reasons, both of you should not be in a serious relationship together.

I hope that this young woman will find her own way, in her own time, on her own. When she accomplishes that, only then will she be strong enough, and independent enough, and mature enough, to consider any serious relationship.

[Fr_Chuck]

First husband may belong to Mormon church, but they do not "force" people to marry, and mormons do not smoke pot and most have very good work ethics,

So the religion has nothing to do with this.

And no a 19 year old girl and a 32 year old man is not that unusual either, a 13 year difference is somewhat common.

So a 19 year old who was lost and not sure what to do, was introduced, fell in love, and married,

After marriage, it was not what she thought it was, and has told you a sob story that is most likely not the entire truth. Just her side of it, ( of course you believed all of it)

She is still married, so if she willl cheat on him, of course she would cheat on you latter also.

But she is married, married people after divorce will normally keep a few photos of the ex,

If she really loved you, she would not to talking and message him,

You are the other man, keeping a women from getting back with her husband

[Jake2008]

According to the 'question', the Mormon church does indeed have a big influence in this girl's life. Parents included. And a 19 year old doesn't belong with a 33 year old loser no matter how you cut the religious cheese.

I doubt she would have picked him in the first place.

This does not sound like free choice on her part, to me, and I doubt that the current relationship is made up of "deep and profound love"; deep and profound confusion probably is more accurate.

And check out 'Bountiful' if there is any doubt that forced marriages do occur.

[N0help4u]

She sounds llike a typical type of 19 year old giirl that doesn't know what she wants so she takes all she can that she wants and makes convenient excuses as she goes along

[Jake2008]

So true. I hope she matures and finds her way, on her own.

[Caba35]

Just as an update... She's moving in with her best friend... Signing papers and we're taking a step back and going to start small and fresh... She's in love with me and I feel the same way about her. No pressure no time limit...

[talaniman]

Wait a year after her divorce is settled. Can't believe that you crossed the boundaries of good behavior with a young, married, unhappy female looking for salvation from her situation, and learning how to properly handle her business. I would think a just divorced 32 year old would know better to follow his heart and not his own common sense.

This ain't love its co-dependence no matter which church you go to.

[0rphan]

You both need to go your own way in life for a while,if per-chance you should get together again then goodluck to you,but for now both of you need to sort yourselves out.