[bigNavySeal]

I'm really tempted to go on the rebound with a girl that's talking to me, 1.5 months after I broke up with my ex of 2.5 years, but I'm riddled with feelings of guilt to my ex and stupidity, or should I be? I have a feeling I'm getting over my ex but I also have a feeling I'm going to be stupid if I involve myself with this woman, or can some 'fun' do not much damage... I know it sounds horrible, but my hormones, need for intimacy and female attention starts to kick in... I guess it's not so bad when I distract my mind constantly... oh boy let's see what you're all going to say.

[JudyKayTee]

I'm really tempted to go on the rebound with a girl that's talking to me, 1.5 months after I broke up with my ex of 2.5 years, but I'm riddled with feelings of guilt to my ex and stupidity, or should I be? I have a feeling I'm getting over my ex but I also have a feeling I'm gonna be stupid if I involve myself with this woman, or can some 'fun' do not much damage.... I know it sounds horrible, but my hormones, need for intimacy and female attention starts to kick in... I guess it's not so bad when I distract my mind constantly... oh boy let's see what you're all gonna say.

Yes, taking advantage of a woman is "horrible" and makes you something less than honorable.

"Fun" for the sake of your hormones, at someone else's expense - ?

[bigNavySeal]

Thanks Judy. To be honest I wasn't purely referring to sex when I said 'fun', I was mainly referring to female companionship. She visited me when I was in the hospital recently for surgery (her company felt good... ) and she knows about my breakup. I said we should just be friends, but she's coming on to me (talking wise), and obviously that's playing with my head after a breakup. I get your point and I wouldn't want to hurt her by it being a short time flight to resolve my loneliness so I'll try to keep my distance

[talaniman]

Nothing wrong with good clean adult fun, as long as you are honest with yourself, and others. No lying, promises you can't keep, or words you know you don't mean.

You know the rules.

[bigNavySeal]

Ok, it's post-break up 4 months, and I have hardly made any real progress. I dated 2 women. The first was an interesting prospect but she didn't want to continue as she was leaving the country to pursue her PhD elsewhere. The other lady just wasn't my type and I realised then that I was still heavily pining for my ex, so I stopped dating her too.

I still have a very difficult time getting over my ex, even though I broke it off thinking it was the best thing to do... ; and I called her again today. I feel pressure because I know she's talking to someone new for quite a while and I'm very scared to loose her now. Is this selfishness or does it mean I really love her? I still think about her every day since she came back from her training abroad 3 weeks ago. Something in me triggered that I suddenly felt this way and a deep longing for her again. I am feeling miserable and terribly lonely very often, losing self-esteem and longing for her to come back. I just can't get over her, even though I try focus on work, friends and activities as much as I can. She wants marriage, I'm still hesitant but I don't want to loose her either... Quite a screwed up situation to be in and I'm making it difficult for myself... Problem is, you don't just forget about some that was so close to you for years... Suggestions anyone?

[Oliver2011]

Holy crap you are putting yourself through an emotional roller coaster aren't you? First off accept the fact that you have feelings, otherwise you wouldn't be human. Most people in a long term relationship who suffer a breakup are going to feel something. So just accept yourself as being normal.

Next you need to decide what you want. She sounds like she has made it clear that she wants marriage. You are on the fence. If you decide that you don't want marriage then she will probably seek that in someone else.

I am not a askmehelpdesk answer guru but in my humble opinion communication after a breakup is not mentally healthy. I broke up with the love of my life in 2005 and although it tore me up inside, we did not stay in communication with each other. Eventually time helps heal those wounds. But you need to be active. Go work out, play a sport of your choosing, go swim laps, hang out with friends, etc.

Good luck and I hope this helps.

[talaniman]

The battle is with yourself, and you are handling your feelings and reactions badly my friend, more to the point, they are handling YOU.

For whatever reason you have not accepted the events you have been through, nor carved a path forward and stuck to it so you are still held hostage by your own feelings and FEARS.

Date to have fun, and make friends, NOT to forget, or recapture what you had before (LOVE?)!! Maybe don't date, just socialize, and when you feel those old feelings being triggered, have a plan ready that focuses you on other, better things.

Allowing yourself to fall back to old patterns of behavior, is what must be over come. And be patient with yourself, 4 months is hardly enough for most of us to make positive changes,and a year maybe more realistic, so back to NO CONTACT, no matter the feelings, and stick to it.

See this episode as a glitch and get back on the program!

[bigNavySeal]

Thanks a lot for your responses guys. This is a bit of additional blabbering, sorry for it being long... I find it hard to understand how letting go/accepting emotional traumatic changes really works. Ive turned to so many people to grieve/vent, thought I grieved and accepted by myself as well, but obvious not so much. I'm STILL bothering my friends about it, even though they help me look for new prospects and share their experiences. Funny thing is that people are so different, friend of mine, when his ex left he easily "replaced" her with a new lady in a matter of weeks. Its my first long-term relationship and subsequent breakup and I'm already 28.

Yes, talaniman you said it exactly that I'm still held hostage by my own feelings and fears. How can I take charge again of my reactions and feelings?! It sometimes reignites my depressive/isolated states I used to have during highschool/university. Problem is that home and the daily rut of (working) life reminds me so much of our times together. Ive lost my inner strength and motivation. I can't sit peacefully at work anymore... I started smoking much more... I want my motivation for daily life back!! Lost my balance. It feels like I am constantly running.. It costs so much more energy to initiate something with confidence. It's quite overwhelming to realise what kind of support someone exercises over you, and once that's gone how you can completely feel lost, lose motivation and initiative. Yes, you literally feel... Alone. Nights and mornings are still tough, it really feels I have nothing much to live for anymore, like everything, activities, etc. are isolated events. A relationship glued that all together. It's the most connected form of relationships. I find it downright scary and demotivating, that's why I so desperately long for my ex, so I guess I hold on, until I perhaps find someone else. Everything becomes a worry I feel hard to overcome, while in the past you would fight problems together or doing things alone and I would still have her as your personal support base. You'd feel valued. The value of my friends and family only feels valuable the moment I talk to them, but after I feel on my own again.

I have a full time job, try to have interesting activities almost every night with friends, cultural activities to stay busy, and I have my moments of hightlights when I talk to interesting people again. I slapped myself in the face yesterday though when I saw a very interesting lady at an event but I was too shy to walk up to her... Once I get home or the weekends it hits home again :( I don't want to have to leave the house forcefully to see friends because otherwise I'd feel alone! I want to relax at home, but I can't. Living on my own (now again) in a big city in a foreign culture doesn't really help all that much either. Also the fact that our office drastically downsized resulting that I lost a lot of expat friends on the work floor, and that my job is utterly boring now, doesn't help at all either...

I don't know well how to snap out of this and confidently stand on my own two feet again with motivation and self-confidence without that fear for the future... Im doing my best to fight my negative thoughts. I'm therefore desperate to find that connection with another woman again to replace but also find it scary to commit again... Man I hate being in this siuatiom, can't focus on anything else much. It consumes my daily life.

I didn't meant for this to come across self-pitying, rather to look for help/suggestions. But I'm sure there's a learning curve in it for me... I can't find it anymore in spirual/religious meanings (I used to be interested in that... ) Just have to find my good self again... Maybe I should just make it very simple and find a new girlfriend ASAP or just bloody ask my ex to marry me...

[talaniman]

I completely understand being hooked on a warm body to share those alone moments with. I also get that fear of commitment. Marriage is never the answer to those personal wants but only you can know if you are ready and able to risk a lifetime commitment or not. Or how you define and organize your life.

None of us feels happy or great all the time my friend, and what's going on around us can have effects on our moods, and attitudes more than we think, whether married or NOT. But embrace the freedom of being single and rejoice at the opprtunities and options that it presents you.

Now if you are to afraid to EXPLORE those options and opportunities and feel bad during alone times, that's a whole different can of worms to approach. I know that holding on to old feelings can stop you from getting new ones, and positively bore the hell out of old friends, but feelings are like that, and dealing with them is a skill to be learned. That's where you are, learning to deal with your own feelings and attitudes.

My attitude has generally been GO FOR IT when opportunity arises. A single guy should have many female friends, they are excellent teachers especially for the 28 year old sensitive guy working through his coping problems. Keep working and you will be surprised at how this will be behind you soon once you cross that point that you can handle your own boredom, and the changes that life is sending you through.

What you thought living and learning was an easy thrilling fun ride all the time? Naw, its mostly finding things to do at home by yourself.

[snakenath]

Im going through exactly the same thing my friend and we sound like very similar people. My ex actually ended it with me so it's a little more difficult than perhaps having an option of being able to be with her again but I share just the same feelings of love, pining, guilt and the stresses of heartache that a breakup with someone you really love can do. There's not really much advice I can give you on how to cope because me myself, I'am struggling with the concept of no communication. All I can really say is to try and look into yourself about what it is you want in life and whether the person you was with could really have given you that, whether it be how they acted towards you, how much appreciation they gave you or even understanding towards you in the light of your own personal situation, for me it was my own insecurities with trust, looking into things that aren't there and myself confidence and for you it seems perhaps like marriage and commitment issues but now with this experience that you are going through at the moment, it sounds to me like you really do love that women and really you do want to commit to that women and its taken this experience to realise that.

Unlike me you have the advantage and hope because it was you who broke it off so you have more of a chance of being able to go back to her. She will be feeling down too and will be going through a healing process herself so just tell her how your feeling and you feel about her, perhaps in a letter. If you do want her back then just go for it but time is passing and it had been 4 months for you so if you want her back then you should act on it fast as she may as you said be almost if not already be ready to move on. There's nothing worse than loving someone who wants nothing to do with you so I say if you don't want to end up like that just as I am, then do something about it.

Good luck

[bigNavySeal]

Thanks for the answers Snakenath and Talaniman. Wow, last response is already 1 month ago and I'm in a worse place than ever. I need help. I thought that dating new women would help but it only makes things worse. I'm getting majorly depressed when I'm by myself, my stomach, heart and throat feel heavy, my mind keeps contineously stressed with feelings of doom and loss of purpose/meaning, having suicidal thoughts, very strong feelings of isolation and loneliness still, I can't shake it and don't know where to look for a solution. I was wooing in the night and screaming cause of the mental pain. I can't bring my mind back to peace anymore as it used to. I really feel that I don't know anymore what I'm doing with my life and I lost the motivation and will to live. This is frightening. I'm at work now, so feeling a bit better but dread what else is to come.

I can hardly talk to anyone anymore on an interest level because I literally lost the interest/motivation, and I avoid too long interaction. Also I seem to not be able to let go of the source of my assumed solutions, potential girlfriends. I had a date Friday and it was too intense, she kept talking, and I felt overwhelmed. After the first date I didn't call back, not sure how to cope... A girl that liked me that I dated 1 month back is still lingering in the back of my mind, together with my ex, and it creates huge emotional distress and conflict in my mind, like abandonment, even though ironically they both love me while I'm the one that pushed them away. I'm going absolutely nuts, I talked to many people for advice, went to a psychologist but that didn't really help other than him saying maybe I should consider marrying her (my long-term ex). Saturday was OK cause I saw friends, and played with their son, which was a comforting distraction, but yesterday was hell. I didn't have an activity with friends and felt completely abandoned. All I could think of was my mom and she helped me for being there on the phone, but once I hang up I went back into isolation before too long.

I'm at loss what I should do. Should I take a pet? Do I need to leave this place? My work is very boring now. I was at our resort last week for work, which made me feel so much better, I'll try to get out there again. It frightens me to leave everything behind, but what is there to live for anymore anyway... I'm literally paralyzed and caught in the rut of my life. This is messed up... I can't seem to take back the control on of my mind and it frightens me. Is really my ex the source of my pain and would the solution be to get back together or is it something else. Expert advice is appreciated.

[talaniman]

Maybe you do need a vacation, or change of scenery for a short time. Breaking old habits and thoughts are quite a challenge after a break up, and solving how to deal with your own feelings is a life time job whether married, dating, or just single.

Maybe dating isn't your answer, or not the complete answer, but on some level you have to have peace with yourself just to endure the slow social times, or at least know the best way to explore and experiment so you can have a direction to follow.

Got any hobbies? Or family close? Bet like many who were in long term relationships you neglected other parts of your life and have NO one close to confide in. That happens and rebuilding those close personal relationships again is both frustrating and a long process.

Bet you would make a great volunteer to a worthy cause. Just to get you away from your own personal flaws and see that many have greater problems and issues to deal with. Realize that being able to have opportunities even when they don't work out as well as you want them to, is a good thing, not a bad thing.

That's my advice. Try things that show how good you have things, to give yourself the patience, courage, and strength to get through the bad times and deal with the feelings that comes with it. There are few things better than knowing you had the time to help someone who needed it, while you are trying to help yourself.

Its helpful, I think, to put enough distance from your problems to recharge your spirit before you go back to it. A second look with fresh eyes always has helped me cope. Its just a matter of time. You really have to appreciate what you do have, and while its not perfect, it could be much worse.

[bigNavySeal]

Wanted to give you a thumbs up but can't. Thanks Talaniman I will work on it, friends and hobbies I have, but I feel I'm driving them away with my problem of letting this go. You are right, I have to pick myself up and do alternative activities, I will try to sign up for volunteering for the coming weekend.

[talaniman]

That's great guy as benefitting others benefits you too, and kids and old people can always stand a positive light during a tough time of the year with the holidays fast approach. A smile and positive attitude doesn't run people away, it draws them closer.