[margarita_momma]

Hi everyone. This is my first time to turn to others with the problem I am having with my husband so I hope to get some good feedback. My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years and have a 2 year old son together. One problem that is our biggest problem is his insecurities and controlling behavior. When we first met, I moved to the city where he lived and left my family and friends back home. I am just recently finding new friends with common interests. My husband is upset about this because he wants to be the center of my universe and gets jealous if I want to go out to lunch with a new friend I have at work (who is a woman) or if I want to just go out one evening with a group of new girl friends I have. He hates that I have friends at all and tries to make me feel bad about leaving him all alone when I want to go out. He doesn't have any close friends and won't even try to make any. An example of his insecure nature is I went to a friend's house one evening (for the first time in 3 1/2 yrs) for a get together and to sing karoake. The girl lives only 6 blocks from my house and my husband freaked out that he couldn't go to the (girls only) party with me, he drove by the house 3 times to see if I was still there and called my cell phone 6 times telling me how much my son missed me and was crying for me to come home. I could hear him telling my son that mommy was out partying and getting dru.nk and couldn't come home right now to be with him. He told me before I left that I had two hours and I better be home by 8:30 pm.
I married my husband when I was very young (18) and he was 22. I hate that when I try to talk to him about our problems, he turns everything around on me and makes it out that I am the one that REALLY made the situation the way it is and its all my fault. Anything he messes up has another reason it messed up, not because of him. I got on antidepressants about 5 months ago and they have helped me tremedously. I want to stay with my husband and work things out but he is getting so hard to live with. He is also constantly throwing out accusations that I am cheating on him or that I want to cheat on him and that I am always secretly planning to leave him for another man. He has never been physically abusive to me in any way. *SIGH* This is not even half of our problems but I just need a little outside input. Thanks in advance for any help.

[hamworld05]

I have no knowledge for this thing. I'm going to try, though. Maybe your husband could find a hobby. A really fun hobby! So, fun, he's doing it 24/7. As for, working with an insecure husband, you could try and show your love for him by sending him love letters. I recommend you suggest your husband to find a boys only party. I hope this helped just a little bit.

[RubyPitbull]

Margarita momma, you say you are on antidepressants? What are they and who prescribed them to you? The answers to these questions will help me in giving you the constructive advice you are looking for.

[margarita_momma]

Hi Ruby,

I realized I needed some type of help after my husband and I had a huge falling out one night so the next day I went to my family physician and she prescribed them to me. I am on 10mg of Lexapro.

[valinors_sorrow]

I am glad you are looking for a solution and open to outside help, Margarita. And its also good to know that you are under a doctor's care (abuse of a prescription meds can be a part of the problem which is why I'm sure Ruby asked). What I see here by your description of your husband is big enough that I think it will take outside help if its ever going to be corrected. If your husband is not open to a marriage counselor (and I would see that fitting in right here) then you have a big decision to make. No one can make it for you either.

I was once married to a man with lots of similar problems who escalated to violence, minor though it was. I eventually made a stand -- counseling or I'm leaving. I actually found someone, made the appointment and then called him in as too sick to work that day as he slept and hit him with it when he woke up. I had my bags packed sitting by the door. While I did not have a 2yr old child, I did have a months-old puppy in tow. I was absolutely serious. To my relief, he opted for counseling. Sadly while I got help, he did not and after a year and the counselor confirming to me he was just fooling around with it, we parted ways. It was easier that way for me than living with it or leaving without giving it my best shot. Only you can decide which is your best option. But its plain enough to me he isn't listening to you anymore, so maybe he will someone else. Good luck.

[kanicky73]

I will tell you this much, insecurity will destroy a relationship, plain and simple. Unless you both are willing to find out why he is feeling this way and acting out the way he is. I had a relationship where every time I talked to anyone else, whether it be a male or female, he was mad. That is not right and will not work in a relationship. It sounds like he was not like this when you guys first got together, but has started this recently. What happened? And I don't mean you going back to work and the baby. It seems as though something else may have happened? People become insecure when their security has been broken down. Can you elaborate, tell us what has happened.

[margarita_momma]

He has always been slightly jealous. When we were dating and first got married, the "little" hints of jealously were sweet and made me feel loved and cared for. I believe it was about a year ago he started acting this way. I am not sure what provoked it. He just all of a sudden became this possesive caveman that wanted to watch and control every move I make. Please don't think that I want to go out and party and drink it up with the girls every night. I had not went out with friends since I got married and my husband is a big reason for that. I am currently wanting to go to a small concert with 2 of my girl friends in a neighboring city. I told my husband two weeks ago that I wanted to go to it and would make baby sitting arrangements for our son if he didn't want to watch him alone. I don't want my husband to come because he is... how can I put it... a party pooper... when others are trying to have fun and he doesn't like the kind of musice that will be played. He always throws out a rude comment about something and ruins the whole night for everyone. Of course he says I am going to cheat on him while I am there and turn into a little groupy. I want him to go to counseling and the packing my bags thing and giving him a choice sounds like a good idea. Thanks for all the imput. It is so nice having someone to talk to and who understands.

[kanicky73]

No, no worries I did not think that you just want to go out and party it up. What I am trying to say here is sometimes when someone acts insecure its because they may(I am not in any way saying he did something) have done something. Then in turn they are feeling like if they did it, who's to say you wouldn't do something. I went to a lot of counseling when my husband and I got divorced and one of the things the counselor told me about was that very thing. People usually start to get insecure and accusatory when they have done something themselves. I may be way off here and don't want to accuse him of having done something because I certainly have no right to do that. I just think there may be something deeper here. Peoples actions are usually a direct result to a situation or something that happened.

[RubyPitbull]

Hi margarita momma. Sorry I was away for a bit but it looks like you are in good hands here. In case you need another person to weigh in with their opinion, I do agree that you need to seek out a marriage counselor. I suspect that if you do have the bags waiting at the door as Valinors suggested, he will agree to go. If he refuses, please understand that you have to be prepared to follow through with your threat of leaving. It will be the only way to get him to wake up and realize that he may lose you. If you don't walk out of that door with your baby, your problems with him will only escalate. So, you need to make sure that you have a back up plan, which will be a safe place to go for a short while. This is a case of control. He needs to understand that this marriage is a two way street and you have to work together.

If he refuses to go, then you need to go to counseling on your own. Please discuss the medication you are on in addition to all the problems you have in your life. A good therapist or psychiatrist can help you make sense of all this and give you the tools you need to make your life work the way it is meant to.

[lostman]

Hello ,I'm an insecure husband.
I'm not sure if I could help you , but I myself create these problems with my wife.
To give you a quick answer , She gave me all the power and attention that I felt I needed knowone else and now she found other interests and I feel alone.
Ok this is my quick analysis, I'm looking for help myself.
I can go on and on but I would rather see if anyone is interested in what I got to say(insecure)

[RubyPitbull]

lostman, why don't you start a new posting yourself, with any questions or concerns that you have. I am sure that a number of people will weigh in with opinions and advice.

[gypsy456]

Hello ,I'm an insecure husband.
I'm not sure if I could help you , but I myself create these problems with my wife.
To give you a quick answer , She gave me all the power and attention that I felt I needed knowone else and now she found other interests and I feel alone.
Ok this is my quick analysis, I'm looking for help myself.
I can go on and on but I would rather see if anyone is interested in what I got to say(insecure)

Hi,

I think it's incredibly brave of you to write here about yourself.
And I have a feeling that with so much feedback on this site every person will feel that there is a listening ear and a helping hand!
This is a great place to stay anonymous and yet feel that somebody is truly listening.

[lostman]

Thank you,
I've been paying attention to what makes me and other men insecure.This is just my observation.
In the short period I noticed the higher the testosterone(tough guy) in a man the more dominant he his or tries to be . It seems most of what I've seen is the woman allowing him to lead and then later in the relationship trying to equal things out.
That's when his ego gets in the way and he does many stupid things!
In my opinion if the man is worth it then the female should change gradually with out demaging his ego too much. My wife told me "I made her the woman she is today" , I love everything about her, so why am I insecure? For old relationships lots of work needs to be done, for new relationships (if anyone reads this) don't give too much power it's a partnership 50/50 .
The woman is progressing much faster then the man ,the men today seem like their stuck in time. They look for a female that they can dominate over and some females are attracted to this , make him feel like his your protector not your father.
Remember only if his worth it put up with his crap and hope for change because the grass may not be greener on the other side.
If he's home all the time doing nothing and criticizing you when your doing something then he needs to go find something to do.
Observation, insecure people have wider imagination? Who's more imaginative in your relationship? I don't know what the hell I'm talking about!
Many thoughts running through my mind ,I'm not sure if I even made sense in this paragraph.
lostman!

[butterfly369]

You are so right lostman about the imagination! My husband has the more avid and active imagination. I commend you for trying to figure it out... wish my husband would.

[N0help4u]

It is a shame that you ended up needing antidepressants because of his insecurities. I agree with Kanicky that insecurity will destroy a relationship. Often when people have no intention of cheating the constant accusations drive them right to doing just that. He needs to get a grip and realize he is over reacting.
I didn't read if you said you are getting regular counseling.I am sure he thinks he doesn't have a problem so you are the one that needs counseling rather than him. Maybe you should tell him that you are getting counseling but the therapist needs him to come in some times for his input on the situation.
He needs to realize that insecurity and having to know exactly where and what you are doing 24/7 is not at all healthy.

[actlikemywife]

If he's home all the time doing nothing and criticizing you when your doing something then he needs to go find something to do.; &

observation, insecure people have wider imagination? who's more imaginative in your relationship?

Hey: I am on the flip side of this, lostman. I have a theory on this too, and you can tell me if this makes ANY sense:

If a man is home all of the time doing nothing he is resentful that he is doing the "right thing" (by staying at home with his wife) and his wife is out or distant or doing her own thing, he becomes insecure (a nice way of saying jealous)... not because he really believes she's doing something wrong, but in HIS mind he has wild imaginations of what HE could be out doing if he weren't in a married role. He fears the worst because its easier to put her on trial, then to look at your own life and admit you are not fulfilling your ambitions and making a game plan to live your life's dreams. Maybe you want to be in the garage building building a dream chopper, or out hunting, or playing poker, but you stay home and get mad at her because that's easy. Does that make sense? So husbands who criticize their wives every move are not fulfilling their own dreams and ambitions so judging EVERY action based on his OWN wild testostrogyne filled imagination is just a diversion from the real truth.? Why don't you just trust yourself? I bet you're a mensh? Do you have a hobby? I mean, what if you spent the time you spend fretting about her (and driving her nutso because you can't possibly be acting trusting toward her and she obviously wants to be with you) and instead practiced to be good as Mozart? Einstein? Mario Andretti? Seinfeld? Picasso? Hendrix? I'd bet you could.

[actlikemywife]

have a 2 year old son together.

He is also constantly throwing out accusations that I am cheating on him or that I want to cheat on him and that I am always secretly planning to leave him for another man.

Hey. I've been hearing my hubs lies about me cheating for 3 years. Isn't it a huge turn off? I mean, my hub has managed to turn me off so far with his talk that I don't know if I can turn back on. Can you dig it? Sad but true. His crazy making talk isn't helping your son, because your son needs a mom who is rested and healthy and secure; and how can you feel secure when you are innocent but on trial and having every day having to defend yourself??