[pats12]

I know this is long but I appreciate your help. I am a 21 year old girl. To make a long story short, about three months ago I started to realize that I was falling for my best friend (a single 17 year old guy). We are super close, tell each other everything, and spend a lot of time together. We share many of the same interests, can talk for hours, always make each other laugh. He's the first person I want to tell everything to- good or bad, he's the best listener, we help each other with our problems, I trust him completely, he makes me feel good about myself, he's one of the few people who can help me realize I'm wrong without making me feel bad, he has helped me overcome my fears. I feel like we're "meant to be" even though I typically don't believe in that sort of thing.

I was nervous and didn't know what to do, tried to get over it but couldn't, wasn't sure how he would react if I told him, especially with our age difference of nearly 4 yrs and didn't want to risk losing my best friend. I kept wanting to tell him, but every time I got to nervous and chickened out. I settled for flirting with him to try and see if I could tell if he liked me back, which he seemed to at first but was hard to read so I wasn't sure. Not telling anyone was driving me crazy so I spilled to a mutual friend of ours and tried to enlist her help as she is more experienced with relationships than I am. She wasn't sure either and offered little advice. I was dying to tell him but didn't.

Then about a month ago he told me that he had recently started going out with this girl from his work. My heart sunk but I tried to be happy for him because that's what good friends do, but I just can't be happy, I'm crushed. Then found out that our mutual friend had known about the girlfriend and hadn't told me, she said she felt it "wasn't her place", and she knew that he could tell I liked him with my flirting. The day after I found out about his girlfriend I told him I wanted to talk to him in person about something kind of important to me (I feel text is too impersonal for something like this).

I was still very nervous but felt like I had to tell him at this point, couldn't hold back any longer, we usually tell each other everything and it had been killing me not to talk to him about this. So we sat down and I told him everything. That I like him, I really wanted to tell him but was too nervous he might think its weird because of our age difference. He said "I could tell. You should have just told me" and that he doesn't care about our age difference or any of that. Then I asked him if he likes me like that too, or not really just friends? He said he likes me too and has for a while, but then this girl (his current gf) kind of just came along and that he really doesn't know, he's only been with this girl for a few weeks anyway and who knows, if it doesn't work out with her we could try going out. I told him that I'm not going to try and mess up his relationship or anything, that I feel like a bad friend because I'm trying to be happy for him but I can't. He told me I'm not a bad friend and the conversation kind of ended because he had to leave for work. I later texted him and asked if you liked me and could tell I like you why didn't YOU say anything? And he said he honestly doesn't know.

After that conversation (about a month ago now) I was afraid things would be awkward, but they weren't. Our friendship was still close as ever. But lately in last week or so things have seemed different, we don't talk as much, he doesn't always text me back like he used to. He never really talks about his girlfriend to me either. Some people say that him not talking about her is a sign that he still thinks about me as a potential gf� but I don't know. Not being with him still has me heartbroken, I want to be with him more than anything. Hes just the most amazing person I've ever met and I've never felt this way about anyone else before. I feel like I've found my soul mate, its like magic when we're together.I don't know what to do. Do you think there is hope of us ever being together? I'm willing to wait for him. I'm convinced (or maybe just hopeful) that we will end up together eventually. I'm trying to be patient but it's hard. I'm thinking back and I've realized I think I've been slowly falling in love with him for the past year or so without really consciously realizing it, and then only became aware of my own feelings a few months ago. Is there hope? Just give him some time, he is young.. or is it hopeless? What can I do?
Thanks.

[mmresd]

You keep respecting the relationship, you maintain a friend, maybe a little distance wouldn't hurt you. You have told him how you feel, all you can do now is wait till he makes a decision, WITHOUT your influence.

[Fr_Chuck]

At this point you are lucky, and at 17 he can have a female best friend still. But if his relationship gets serious with another women, she may not think highly of a female best friend, esp one who had fellings for him.

He is off limits, and not even at the same position in life as you are.

You really need to go and move on with your life, if things work out in the future great, if not, you will be left in a few years, no friend, no boyfriend and just sad, bitter and alone.

[SoftSummer]

First off, I want to address the mutual "friend". I knew something was shady about this person when she had little advice to offer and then her withholding information from you really confirmed it for me. Doesn't seem like much of friend, or maybe she's just more loyal to him, or maybe she even is a little sweet on him. Point is, don't ever confide in her again about anything. She seems like more of a pill than a friend.

Now for the situation at hand. I've been in your position before so I understand how agonizing it can be. I'll tell you what I did and I don't know if it's necessarily right or not. When he first started dating someone else, I just sort of backed off. I distanced myself from him because I didn't know exactly where I fit in the scenario. Eventually we just grew apart and we talk every blue moon but that's about it. There was an age difference for me as well. I'm currently in college and he's about to graduate from high school this year (so really, I've been there). When I finally told my friend that I had feelings for him, he so sweet and polite about it, but as time went on I almost felt that he subconciously held it against me if that's the right term... he knew he had me in some sort of box and I feel like he really started to kind of take me for granted because he had an up on me. And men do that! I feel like at times they really do use your feelings to their advantage sometimes and by him not contacting you and stuff as much, that's what he's doing. So my advice to you is that you really need to pull back. Like, don't always respond to him when he reaches out to you. Maybe do a 2-1 scenario. You respond every other time. Find friends outside of him. Because the fact of the matter is, this guy is in a relationship and even though he said all these pretty little things, he didn't leave his girlfriend for you and actions speak louder than words. So yes. Distance distance distance.

You don't have to be happy about him being in a relationship. I had to come to that realization. You don't have to be happy that a guy you care about is in a relationship. It doesn't make you a bad friend or person. It makes you a human being and we're all just that. I remember feeling sick to my stomach for not, you know, being elated at the situation. I then had to confront my true feelings which were laden with regret, a tinge of depression, and blatant disappointment. I didn't like that fact that this guy who I absolutely adored entered a relationship with another girl and neither do you. Embrace your true feelings. Just don't dwell on them too long if they're negative.

Hope this somewhat helped. Oh. One more thing... I find it just as baffling as you do that he didn't step up and express his feelings. He probably doesn't deserve you anyway.

[talaniman]

Wow it's a great romantic tragedy, but for your own sake let your friend be happy with what he is doing, and bow out of his life with grace, dignity, and self respect, and embrace your own with zeal and motivation.

I am not going to give you false hope, but my advice is to do as he is doing, and enjoy your own life. While we never know what the future holds, we can't waste our time on what we want but know we can't have.

Never ever send someone else to handle the business you should do yourself.