[Cat1864]

winkshine, while I am glad that you are now looking at the broader picture, I wish there was something else to suggest that might help. Have you thought about couple's counseling? I ask because whether you are a couple or not you are going to be connected as parents.

Something to think about:

Are you looking for him to be your sole source of social support? Do you have time to yourself to go out with friends or do something that you enjoy which is not baby related? I have been a new mother and I know how easy it is to be stuck in a rut and to put your focus on two people-your boyfriend and your baby. I also know the strain it can put on the adults involved and how it can magnify issues until they seem bigger than they really are.

Don't try to hold on to something that is definitely hurting you, but do be careful that your expectations are realistic.

We are here if you need to vent or want more advice.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for the best.

[winkshine]

Cat, I do not get out much of course because of having a child. My boyfriend gives me a hard time every time I want to go do something. There are so many issues that have come up in this relationship. I think I have been a little demanding and unrealistic and I think my boyfriend has had a hard time dealing with the new lifestyle. He is also a major momma's boy and really can't do anything without going to her, which has put a strain on us. I really fell very hard for him and don't want to loose that. I had a long talk with him last night and he assured me he still loves me very much and I have nothing to worry about. I am going to try and trust in that. As far as counseling he really did not want to go.

[Dee_Kowalsky]

Pornography can be very destructive in a relationship, especially when one does it all the time while the other one hates it any time. Here are some facts on the matter;

> Pornography usage increases marital infidelity 300%. (Steve Stack at Wayne State University)

> Pornography use undermines marital relations and distresses wives. ("Romantic Partners' Use of Pornography: Its Significance for Women," Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy - 2003)

> Husbands report loving their spouses less after long periods of looking at (and desiring) women depicted in pornography. ("Pornography's Impact on Sexual Satisfaction," Journal of Applied Social Psychology - 1988)

> Viewers of pornography assign increased importance to sexual relations without emotional involvement. Consequently, wives experience decreased intimacy from their husbands. ("The Significance of Heavy Pornography Involvement for Romantic Partners: Research and Clinical Implications," Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy - 2002)

> Extensive viewing of pornographic material produces many unfavorable sociological effects, including a decreased respect for long-term, monogamous relationships, and an attenuated desire for procreation. ("Effects of Prolonged Consumption of Pornography", Report of the Surgeon General's Workshop on Pornography and Public Health by Zillmann, Dolf - 1986)

[Synnen]

In a paper published in 2009 in the International Journal of Law and Psychiatry, Milton Diamond reviewed a very broad number of studies that have explored the supposed ill effects of pornography. Subsequent to his extensive review, Diamond concludes (p. 312):


"Indeed, the data reported and reviewed suggests that the thesis is myth and, if anything, there is an inverse causal relationship between an increase in pornography and sex crimes. Further, considering the findings of studies of community standards and wide spread usage of SEM [sexually explicit material], it is obvious that in local communities as nationally and internationally, porn is available, widely used and felt appropriate for voluntary adult consumption. If there is a consensus against pornography it is in regard to any SEM that involves children or minors in its production or consumption. Lastly we see that objections to erotic materials are often made on the basis of supposed actual, social or moral harm to women. No such cause and effect has been demonstrated with any negative consequence." --http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/homo-consumericus/201001/pornography-beneficial-or-detrimental

One study at Illinois State University supports a mixed take: A third of women whose partners use porn said they experienced significant distress, but the rest were fine with it. And Hald's co-author, Neil Malamuth, who teaches communications and women's studies at UCLA, published a paper in 2007 putting a less alarmist spin on claims that smut instigates violence against women. "In certain people who are already inclined to be sexually aggressive, it adds fuel to the fire. But for the majority of men," Malamuth says, "we don't find negative effects." --http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200801/vice-or-virtue-the-pros-pornography

Over the years, many scientists have investigated the link between pornography (considered legal under the First Amendment in the United States unless judged “obscene”) and sex crimes and attitudes towards women. And in every region investigated, researchers have found that as pornography has increased in availability, sex crimes have either decreased or not increased. --http://www.physorg.com/news187448961.html

Looking closer, Michael Goldstein and Harold Kant found that rapists were more likely than nonrapists in the prison population to have been punished for looking at pornography while a youngster, while other research has shown that incarcerated nonrapists had seen more pornography, and seen it at an earlier age, than rapists. What does correlate highly with sex offense is a strict, repressive religious upbringing. Richard Green too has reported that both rapists and child molesters use less pornography than a control group of “normal” males.

This sort of assertion is bound to raise a few eyebrows and even cause a little controversy. Especially when taken alongside studies that seem to indicate that porn doesn't result in feelings of misogyny. Additionally, while there is anecdotal evidence that porn users are abusive toward their female partners, there is no evidence that pornography use is the cause of these actions. Perhaps there are other factors, such as alcoholism or violent tendencies, that are bigger influences. --http://www.physorg.com/news187448961.html
________________________

Again--it's HOW you use porn that indicates a problem, not porn itself. Just like how you use alcohol determines the problem, not alcohol itself (and the US found that out the hard way during prohibition).

Do you need me to find MORE links? I'm taking care of a sick baby right now, but I can certainly do more research for you if you want.

Please note the DATES on your studies. In the 80s, men were getting videos and magazines for porn---NOT the internet and a quick free look at something. You had to BUY your porn in the 80s, and I'm betting that that has as much to do with the results of the study as the results itself. If my husband was buying porn instead of buying me stuff, I'd be ticked about it too--especially when the "stuff" I'm thinking of is food, shelter, and occasional flowers.

The bottom line is that you can find research that supports your own views on porn any time you look for it. Frankly, I think the research itself doesn't matter because it STILL comes down to trust, respect and communication within the relationship before porn even becomes an issue.

[Dee_Kowalsky]

Synnen,

I appreciate your attempt to provide actual evidence I guess my assertions are pornography is damaging to our relationship, but understand that I only included the evidence which I could back up with "expert" analysis. However, I don't know why you brought up any supposedly correlation between pornography and sex crimes as I never mentioned a possible connection between the two only that viewing porn on a regular basis can be damaging to one's intimate relationships.

Nevertheless, I don't need an expert to tell me how damaging porn can be too relationship; I was married to a porn addict and yes, his addiction coupled with his refusal to even the knowledge how it hurt me was the main (but not the only) reason we got divorced.

[smoothy]

Synnen,

I appreciate your attempt to provide actual evidence I guess my assertions are pornography is damaging to our relationship, but understand that I only included the evidence which I could back up with "expert" analysis. However, I don't know why you brought up any supposedly correlation between pornography and sex crimes as I never mentioned a possible connection between the two only that viewing porn on a regular basis can be damaging to one's intimate relationships.

Nevertheless, I don't need an expert to tell me how damaging porn can be too relationship; I was married to a porn addict and yes, his addiction coupled with his refusal to even the knowledge how it hurt me was the main (but not the only) reason we got divorced.

You DO need a therapist however... thats for sure.

[Synnen]

I brought it up because it's one of the BENEFITS of porn.

YOUR situation is not the NORMAL situation of couples with porn. Sorry--it sucks you had to go through it. But saying that all porn is disruptive to all relationships because you were married to an addict is like saying alcohol disrupts all marriages because SOME people become alcoholics.

Sorry--life just does not work that way.

Just like anything else, porn can be fine if used correctly and in moderation, and when abused can cause the death of a relationship and can erode how the person using it views others. EXACTLY like abusing alcohol causes people to decide to drive drunk and kill others or lowers inhibitions so much that people put themselves in dangerous situations. ALCOHOL isn't evil in and of itself. And MOST people can deal with the effects of alcohol responsibly. Just because SOME people can't doesn't mean ALL people can't, and it certainly doesn't mean you can blame alcohol for all the evils in relationships.

It is EXACTLY the same with porn. Used maturely and responsibly, porn can ENHANCE a relationship--provided that the couple doesn't have other issues to start with. You know, like low self esteem and trust issues and communication problems.

You sound EXACTLY like a teetotaler from the early 20th century to me--pushing for something to be banned for ALL people because SOME people can't deal with it. You DO realize that porn is GOING to exist no matter what, right? Making it shameful or illegal is going to simply push it underground where it can't be regulated or controlled, and where laws protecting those who make it and those who view it go out the window.

If you'll note, one of the studies that I posted was that those who were taught that pornography was sick, repulsive and evil are MORE likely to become sex offenders than those who are taught that it's natural and that you should do it in moderation.

SO---telling people that porn is evil is counterproductive, really. If you make people feel ashamed and guilty for looking at porn, and punish them for it, it's more likely that porn will become a problem in their lives.

I do think you need therapy to understand that it was the ADDICTION that was the problem for your husband---not the PORN. They ARE two different things.