[DaniCalifornia]

It is what it says, to be honest.

Four months ago, I met the man of my dreams. Since then, we've built an amazing relationship. He still takes me out on surprise dates, I've met his family, he listens to me when I've had a bad day, and the passionate times feel a lot more spiritual than they have with previous partners.

I love this man so much. And I feel like he loves me too. It's not often you hear a man of 21 bring up the topic of marriage, and even discuss what our children would be named if/when we have them!

When I discuss insecurity with him, he tells me he also feels this way. That he's scared of losing me.

I brought up a point, he's INCREDIBLY handsome, and 21, at the age where most men are out and about drooling over women. His reply was that I'm the same, that I'm a beautiful woman at 19 and at the same stage in life. It just doesn't occur to me that other attractive people exist now I have him. I feel like my subconscious wants confirmation it's almost impossible to gain. How can you prove you're geniuine to someone? How do you truly know someone loves you? His answer was so valid, but it still didn't convince me to stop being so mental.

I'm aware I'm insecure, I'm just not sure how to deal with it.

I've written a list of main things to do to be a good girlfriend. The jealousy part is the only thing I'm struggling with. I believe jealousy is such an irrational emotion. It's one thing to be envious when your partner is spending most of their time with another woman (Which as far as I'm aware, isn't happening, just to be clear), but another thing when you feel something 'might happen', or worrying whether they love you.

PS: I've been in 3 serious relationships, one was long, and he tore me up and left without any reason. I was abused by one. The other was my first love, so I had much to deal with and learn from it anyway. I have never been unfaithful, but I was cheated on by my first love.

[Cat1864]

Dani, I just read your past threads. Am I correct in thinking you became involved with this gentleman about a month or so after getting out of an abusive relationship and while you were living in less than comfortable surroundings?

Have you gotten counseling for the abuse you endured? Did you allow yourself any time to let the emotional dust settle from your last relationship before you fell for this new man? Was your life more stable before you got involved with this man?

I am concerned that your insecurities stem from not giving yourself time to rebuild your self-esteem. It isn't too late to get counseling if you haven't already.

This may be a great guy, but you don't have to rush into anything. In your past relationships, how quickly did you fall for them? Since I doubt you would get involved with someone who hit you before you started dating him, how long before the relationships turned from good to bad?

Take your time. Build a strong foundation. Work together, but have good support systems outside the relationship. Don't forget you need friends and interests other than each other. It is okay to spend time with others and have fun with friends.

Insecurity grows when you are afraid of losing your sole means of emotional support. Don't attempt to make each other responsible for your own security.

[DaniCalifornia]

Hey! (In reply to Cat) It was about 2 months after the abusive relationship, and that relationship was 5 weeks long, so I was fully over it shortly after the post. I also moved out of the horrible house about two weeks after this particular break up.

I haven't heard of counselling even existing in this country, haha!

It was very quickly apart from one relationship that started to go bad, about a month. This is quite a record for me heh.

That's another thing on my list, "Don't use him as emotional support", I don't like constantly teling him how bad I feel about things, or my problems. Then again, I really don't like involving people that aren't involved!

We have a lot outside of the relationship, but it's things like "Why is he golfing three times this week", after I went once and saw it was pretty ladies that bring the drinks when you call them. Argh!

[vanheart]

I agree w/Cat. You never took the time to recover.

What's really attractive is someone that is together. Knows their own skin, inside & out.

I also dissed any help, therapy, etc.. then found myself in a few shrinks' offices. That was in my early 20s.

Now, in my 40s, I'm still getting assistance. From you & everyone here.

I agree. Jealousy serves no purpose, ugly...

You are #1. Rely on that.

[talaniman]

Hi again Dani, I think the root of your problem is you have been looking for love and been disappointed so much that you have a lot of past baggage to deal with. Outside of counseling, you need some guidance to build a life that makes you happy all by yourself, with friends and activities that you enjoy, without depending on any one but yourself.

You have to be secure in yourself, and you won't be afraid of being alone, or see other females as competition, or a threat. That's where insecurity, and jealousy come from. FEAR. Identify that fear, and you can have a positive plan of action. Start being good to yourself, and start everyday saying "I LOVE YOU" to the face in the mirror.

I am concerned though that TWO insecure people might be feeding off each other also. Like I said, some good guidance, and Good Orderly Direction are what's needed.

You have been through an awful lot for your age, and healing is a very long, slow tedious process. There are no short cuts, or quick fixes, just a lot of working on YOURSELF.

[kcomissiong]

Like the others, I am concerned that you have fallen so quickly into a dependent relationship. You are naming children and talking marriage after four months? I think that a great deal of your insecurity comes from your desire to have a relationship, and hold onto it. I am concerned that you are making lists about how to be a better girlfriend and not about how to be a better person.

You seem to be defining your value by the way that your partner sees you. What are your goals for you? What are you missing in yourself that you are finding in him? I don't think that you can ever be truly happy in a relationship until you are happy with yourself.