[unknowing]

So I saw him on Saturday night and he did not even say hello even when I walked right past him... why not if he is over me?

[talaniman]

Just accept he wanted it to end. Doesn't matter why, or how he acts now. Disappear from his life, and get your own together. No one knows why another human being does what they do.

[wonderlife]

My first thought after reading your post is that this guy doesn't truly into you or want to be in a serious relationship with you, no matter what he said.

You seem want to know why keeping asking questions we don't know because we are not your boyfriend. And even you know why, do you think it's going to be much difference?

If he said he broke up with you because:

1) You are too controlling
2) You are too clingy
3) You are too demanding
4) You are too whatever...

Then you will believe him and you'll try your best to fix yourself and to adapt yourself to be whatever he wants you to be so that he's not going to dump you? Do you think this will really make him change his mind? And what's it that he will do for you in return? And you want someone so much you forget your own happiness and your own need?

You have to accept this fact that you want to work on but your boyfriend wants to breakup. You can't make someone feel the same way or want the same thing. It doesn't really matter how your boyfriend's mind operates, but I really think you can find a better way out of this.

Do you really want the guy who today say "I love you", and tomorrow say "let's break up" type of person? I think you deserve better than this.

[Jake2008]

As to what you heard about his reasons, from the third party. One person telling another person that they split with their boyfriend/girlfriend because they were controlling, is an easy way to give a non-answer, and at the same time, not invite further conversation. I would say that if that was said, particularly at work, it would be the kind of quick conversation with no substance. It was, a prepared response, to avoid having to explain himself.

Which kind of makes sense if he's not the type of guy to even explain truthfully to you why he did what he did. Let's assume from what you have said that you are NOT controlling; that means that you've spent a lot of time trying to figure things out, based on an off-hand, prepared response (lie) that he apparently told a third party. But, what if he were to have told the truth. What do you think that m ight be, now.

Sounds to me like he was in over his head. He was not prepared or mature enough, or able, for whatever reason, to make a relatioship work with you (or likely anybody) at that time. Maybe you shook his world up a bit and he realized he was getting too involved, and felt 'out of the loop' with what had been his normal activities and maybe he missed his old lifestyle, and his old habits and activities.

But the only person that matters here now, is you. I have to admit that had I found myself in your circumstances with the way this all played out, I too would be looking for a reason, in order to feel that there was enough substance in the relationship that I had some substance to accept, process, and get past. i.e. fighting, drinking, infidelity, etc.

But with you, he just bolted. Some day when you have children, you will learn to be puzzled and confused a good chunk of the time. You teach your child never to run between parked cars. You drill that message through, and feel quite confident he will never do such a thing. Then out of the blue one day, he darts between parked cars and nearly gets hit. Unpredictable behaviour that you didn't see coming, and as hard as you try, you can never understand why the kid made that choice. And so it goes with any relationship, regardless of the age.

With this ex of yours, it's the same thing really. There was no obvious reason, or cause, that you can see, for what he did. He has to come up with some answer to explain himself (the kid darting would have said his ball went across the street). Maybe his reasons have no answer; or at least enough of an answer that will satisfy your need to know. Maybe too, the best he can do is say that he was not in a place personally where he was comfortable (relationship), and that is much harder to explain than simply saying you were 'too controlling'.

Even if he told you to your face that he honestly thought you were too controlling, he knows there would be some explaining to be done. He would have at least (had he had the maturity) identified and worked on problems, before he had to do an out of the blue exit, without even trying. What he did, was the easy way out.

Think of a silver lining here. For one thing, you will be more careful the next time around in really being sure you have someone who will, at the very least, be honest with you. You are also in the position of recovering from a relationship that was not good (obviously) for you. You weren't with him 10 years, or married him, had a couple of children, a mortgage and car loans only to have him bolt down the road.

Maybe its just time to accept the fact that you are hurting and ruminating over guesses as to why this man was the way he was, and why he apparently felt controlled. You will likely never have an answer that will satisfy yourself. Accept that which you cannot change, particularly ever finding reasons for what has happened.

Let him go, give yourself time to recover from this breakup, and set your standards a little higher before you invest of yourself, in a new relationship.

[unknowing]

We already are broken up. About him not have been wanting to be with me that could be possible but we knew each other 3 years ago. He liked me then and when he found out I was single he waited for me to get over the guy and started hanging out with me so I do not know.

[unknowing]

I understand that. I feel like the too controlling thing was an easy answer to say. I do not know if he said it at work but he told a guy he use to live with that. A lot of people say he was not ready for the relationship. I never moved fast on my side of things. We always moved at the speed he wanted. He was the one that brought up the marriage thing most of the time. I maybe said something one time. He also was the one that asked me to move stuff in and made space for me. If he was completely over me then why couldn't he have said hey the other night?

[unknowing]

The other question is that if I did not mean much then why did I go meet his family that lives far away? If I didn't mean anything and he didn't think we would be together why do that?

[unknowing]

I also thought he was honest with me. We talked about everything if it bothered him or me. This was the first thing he did not want to talk about. If he thought I was controlling we would have been able to work on it because obviously I was unaware or it. I would have worked on it because I would want us to both be happy. He had told me that he was happy with me. I guess he thought that him telling me he wanted more alone time and more time with the guys was his way of telling me that he thought I was controlling? He only said 1 or 2 times a month. He was going to have the guy time the Thursday the next week. When we talked about having more alone time and guy time he did not make it seem like it was a big deal or that it was a problem and bothering him. Why not?

[wonderlife]

Can you stop asking the "why" questions and accept the fact that he broke up with you already? You shouldn't come up with a lot of questions that you or us will never know for sure because it will only drive you crazy. You are obviously in the "denial" stage. I asked you before, do you think knowing why will help you win him back or make any difference? I don't want to see you suffer yourself asking questions you never know and try to figure all the details while he's out there and enjoy his life. I'm sure he wouldn't do the same thing you are doing right now. Don't suffer yourself anymore and accept the fact that it ended and he's not the one for you.

Of course during the period that things were good, everything was good. He waited for you. He took you to see his family and he did a lot of nice things. He might even promise you the world. But you know things change, and his feelings change (and that did not mean it's all your fault). It's as simply as that. That's why he's not the same person he used to be and broke up with you. There're lot of guys who promise the girls everything during the sweet period, but when they change their minds - they just dump the girls.

And if you still want to know why things change and why he changed, I can tell you it will only drive you crazy and lead you more pain. If he chose to dump you instead of communicate and work on things with you, that's what he want already. You can't change him for who he is and for what he chose to do. Please stop torturing yourself trying to figure out everything while he ended it already and didn't want the same thing as you anymore.

Why you still want someone who dumped you? Even you shared happy moments together, it's the past already.

You may now think you will never get over this. But believe me - I used to think I will die after I was dumped by my ex, and I'm still here and I'm very happpy, far more happy than those period I used to have him in my life. But that happen only when I accept the fact that it's over, focus only on moving on, and stand for myself.

ACCEPT the break up from him. Cry if you feel want to. Keep yourself busy with activities, talk to best friends, do good things for yourself and start healing from this break up. You are still young I guess. I can tell you that there're still lot of good people and better guys to meet in the future. You deserve better. You have to believe that you deserve better than this one who dumped you. Remember that.

[unknowing]

I know. I am still young... early 20s. I know I will never really understand anything that happened. If telling me he wanted more guy time and alone time was his way of working on the problem that I did not see then he did not do such a good time with it. In a relationship you have to be able to communicate and work together to fix things... it is not always going to be a happy go lucky thing and everything works out perfectly. If someone is not willing to work then it won't work. People always tell me that if he was the right guy then we would not have anything to have to work for and I understand that but people do have arguments and you see how mature someone is by the way they respond. He obviously did not even want to try if you would even call what we had as an argument. You love the person for the good in them and their faults. I loved him for the good and even times when he got angry over little comments... otherwise I would not have been with him. I guess he does not

[wonderlife]

Yes, you're right. This latest comment of you shows that you understand some important points. Relationship that work always require the willingness of two people to make it work and you just can't make someone willing to do the same thing. If he didn't want the same thing, then you know what's the best for you to do. It's very hurt I know, but you'll get through it.

Remember, please accept things for what they actually happened, then you will learn that figuring out every details (in the past) are not necessary and not good for you. That's a good start. Come here and post more if you want support or feel bad. Stand for yourself and be strong. It's not going to be easy and usually take time until you can totally get over it. You will feel up and down and up and down again and again. Anyway, there'll be a day when you will feel nothing much and not hurt about him anymore.

[unknowing]

I am just surprised because he seemed to be the type of person that was willing to make it work. It isn't like we fought all of the time. I remember maybe 1 major argument but it really was not that bad and it was more recent. All the other things were little stupid things that happened if he was drunk. We always talked it out except for this time. This time he did not even want to see me because he was upset. Who gets upset at their girlfriend because she got upset with you for not giving notice about going out and just being sad because she wanted to see you? I find that immature... especially if she has said sorry multiple times for that and tried to find and even asked what she could do to make you happy. I got over his little moments when he got upset with me and said it was fine and not to worry. Instead he told me "I am sorry but you should feel like crap". Not a good thing to do.

[talaniman]

I think you are learning that not all attractions go on to be long lasting relationships, and that there is so much more to learn about the stranger you are attracted to. We are shocked and surprised that over time we find out they have some very unattractive ways about them, or they are just not that good at something's. Sometimes our styles clash, or we just want different things in different ways.

Shock, or your word surprise, makes us confused, and we don't know what to do. We don't quite understand what's happening, or why. That makes it hard to let go, especially if you have never experienced being dumped, or had a high expectation, and deep emotional investment in another person, whose feelings have changed, or they didn't share what was really on their minds.

That's why break ups suck! Whether its YOUR idea, or THEIRS. It's a wacky time, with a lot of hard to deal with feelings going through us. We just have to let time do its work, and struggle through until the shock, and surprise wears off, and we can think of what we are going to do about ourselves being hurt.

That's when healing begins, when you accept what has happened, you have a strategy to get healthy again, and you start working your plan.

Its work, and takes time, and it sucks.

[wonderlife]

When you think about good moments, you feel sad, you cry and you want him back. And when you think about bad moments, you blame him and point out how bad he treated you or what a bad person he is. That's a normal thing that happen in almost everyone's mind after being dumped by their ex. Dumpees have to go through all the common process of shock, sad, try to get ex back, angry, indifference, sad, angry,. back and forth up until they be able to really move on.

Those who can do it fast and finally feel like a winner are those who stand and fight for themselves. Instead of just sit there and whining over the loss of love, they go for NC (no contact), they focus on themselves, they keep themselves busy, they divert energy and mind on some other positive things.

Thinking of him, either in the good way or in the bad way, is normal. But you have to realize when it's too much or turn to obsession, you should do something else such as cleaning your house, talk to friends, or go out with family.

IT'S OVER already. The good thing between you and him is now IN THE PAST. Also, the bad thing between you and him is now IN THE PAST. There's nothing you can do to take back on what he used to do to you or what you used to do to him, as again they were all IN THE PAST. Don't spend too much time trapping in your own repetitive thoughts. In the long run, keep blaming him or blaming yourself, even if it's true in some aspects, are not going to help you.

Focus on present, focus on yourself, realized that it's over and you can't take back what had happened, focus on trying your best and take it day by day to move on.

[unknowing]

Well his friend told me he said never again I guess about dating me. Closure I guess

[queenadaline]

It sounds like you were and still are being a tad clingy. Don't degrade yourself and do yourself a favor - move on. If he was being honest about all the wonderful things he said about you, he'll come back, missing your absence. But he feels better off being free and solo, you won't cross his mind as much as he crosses yours, and that's not fair is it? So for now, my advice is get out there and have some fun of your own. Focus on you, chill with the ladies, it's all about you right now. Cheer up!