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dwidrick · Mar 9, 2011, 08:39 PM

Haha I don't know how good that would be. As you have read, some of my ideas aren't exactly conventional or "by the book"

Maybe a book about the extent of my relationship with her haha. There are definitely some moments worth writing about (and no not those kind of moments). :)

dwidrick · Mar 11, 2011, 11:08 AM

After my recent break/break up with my girlfriend of 2 plus years I have been given a lot of advice both from this board and from my friends.

A question I have is once the obvious period of grief and what not has passed and one finally does move on do you guys find that your newest love makes you grateful that you moved on and didn't look back. Or did that next one ultimately never compare and fell short.

I am referring to this next love as one that is not a "rebound relationship" and one that occurs after getting past the former break up.

Just wondering what everyone's opinion is on this, or even experience in this situation. Thank you in advance for your input. :)

adviceishere · Mar 11, 2011, 11:11 AM

Well if you feel like your comparing them to an old flame then they're not right for you and you should definitely NOT pursue any further with the person, its unfair to both of you, if you think its something special and you don't give the past relationship a second thought then it's a good sign I guess :)

dwidrick · Mar 11, 2011, 11:50 AM

Yes you are right. That makes perfect sense.
I am also curious as to what others have found comes of their first real relationship after breaking up with someone you have been with for a long period. If it doesn't work out obviously it could be considered a rebound relationship, but I am more curious of the ones where you don't compare them to the old flame, but still don't find them right for you.

Thanks for the input :)

adviceishere · Mar 11, 2011, 11:55 AM

If your gut tells you they isn't right then, they isn't right. Even if you have a niggling little voice telling you that it doesn't feel right then listen to it... you will know when a keeper comes along, trust me..

southamerica · Mar 11, 2011, 12:08 PM

It's okay to remember your first love. My first love is still a good friend of mine. Oddly enough, my current boyfriend (a total keeper!) and my first love are really good friends now (they met each other through me... I didn't move on to my ex's friend, haha).

I don't compare my current with my ex. What my past relationship did for me is teach ME how to handle things better. For example I try not to nag so much, accept little quirks, and learn to love those quirks. I also try to understand when I'm being an unreasonable woman (sorry for the stereotype... I bring it up because I'm a poster child for it sometimes) and take a deep breath instead of continuing a silly argument.

So I suppose in that way I do compare relationships, but more as a measure of myself. I don't know if I could have done that right away. I healed for two years before I met my current.

kctiger · Mar 11, 2011, 12:11 PM

There is always a blow to the ego when we break up. We are worried that we'll never attract another woman. When you do, it is almost like weight being lifted off your shoulders. But just because you found another girlfriend doesn't mean that moving on was a success.

In complete digression, the question of whether moving on works out... my answer would be yes. I am glad I went through the heart break, the sorrow, the self loathing and the feelings of loneliness after a break up. It shaped me into who I am now and I couldn't be happier with that result.

If you classify success in moving on by being able to find someone who is better than your last girlfriend, you're selling yourself short. Set out to learn from your break up, change certain things about yourself that you don't like and be a better person from the experience. Set out to become happier and eventually you will find someone who can't compare to your last girlfriend because you have changed so much as well.

In short, you'll find someone who is a better fit for who you are now.

dwidrick · Mar 11, 2011, 12:58 PM

@ adviceishere, southamerica, kctiger

Wonderful insight. I couldn't have thought of better answers myself to this dilemma. I guess in the long run it comes down to the simple fact that we do not know how things will work out after a break-up, but we have to have an active part in moving on from it to make the next time even better both for ourselves and whoever we hope to be with.

kctiger · Mar 11, 2011, 01:05 PM

It is always important to remember that our happiness is our responsibility. Take care my friend!

dwidrick · Mar 11, 2011, 01:11 PM

Thank you

talaniman · Mar 11, 2011, 01:32 PM

Break ups suck, every time I got dumped it sucked. But move on, I did and am very grateful to those who dumped me because, when I did find the one, its been great... for the last 35 years, any way. Never know what will happen tomorrow though, even after all this time.

The trick to getting dumped, move forward, not back, and don't get stuck, stay busy. Its still sucks, but the pain is only temporary.

I asked the wife what would she do if we divorced, and she told me she would buy a beamer, with her money, a new house with my money, and sign up for Match.com, for a new hottie. That sucked.

So mourn the death of the old relationship, heal, and be ready for the next one. Like I said, you never know what will happen tomorrow.

adviceishere · Mar 11, 2011, 02:16 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Break ups suck, every time I got dumped it sucked. But move on, I did and am very grateful to those who dumped me because, when I did find the one, its been great.....................for the last 35 years, any way. never know what will happen tomorrow though, even after all this time.

The trick to getting dumped, move forward, not back, and don't get stuck, stay busy. its still sucks, but the pain is only temporary.

I asked the wife what would she do if we divorced, and she told me she would buy a beamer, with her money, a new house with my money, and sign up for Match.com, for a new hottie. That sucked.

So mourn the death of the old relationship, heal, and be ready for the next one. Like i said, you never know what will happen tomorrow.

LOL your wife would be great at giving advice to people with broken hearts :D

Clarity4 · Mar 11, 2011, 05:24 PM

I second that. You have one smart wife, talaniman.

talaniman · Mar 11, 2011, 09:20 PM

I know :D:) :)

dwidrick · Apr 6, 2011, 10:41 AM

If some of you recall from an earlier post I created I had my girlfriend of 2+ years break/break up with me recently (about 2-3 months ago). She said she wants me in my future, but she is just unhappy with her current job and family issues to focus on us... etc (here is a link for all of it... full version)

I have been doing good since and have been just trying to focus on myself and what not. This is where I come to my dilemma. Recently she started contacting me again realizing that she is starting to miss having me around and being able to see me. So she asked me to visit her at work one day while I was in the area. So I did, which hit each of us pretty hard... she felt a lot of her old feelings as did I. I still love her and do have feelings for her but have accepted the situation that we are in now.

Later that night I went out with my buddies and met a girl that was really in to me and wanted my number , etc. I gave it to her but the problem is she really wants to hang out with me and thinks that I am a rare person that she doesn't want to just walk away wondering "what if." I told her that I am recently out of a relationship and not really mentally ready to move on to something serious or anything in general.

Even after telling her this she still would like to hang out as long as I can handle doing it. So I guess my question is whether this is a good idea or not? I know I still have strong feelings for my ex and getting into anything serious with anyone else would be a mistake especially since we have started talking some again. But this new girl doesn't seem to care as long as I am honest with what is going on. I guess I see no shame in exploring it. Keep in mind this new girl is being very flirtatious and seems almost excessively attracted to me at this point. I have warned her of my mental state but now question if I should follow this any further.

jlduran · Apr 6, 2011, 11:08 AM

It's pretty hard because I left my ex and starting going out with his friend after 4months and I got married with him! Bt now I cannot get my ex out of my head I love him so much that I don't know what I would do if I saw him in front of me so umm I think u should not get seriouse with anybody until u totally know you tried everything with your ex if she wants to. But just do things a little different from before. I wish I should have done that bt I'm married now =(

dwidrick · Apr 6, 2011, 11:21 AM

Thank you that is a good perspective. I guess the question I have then is given that I have told this girl I am not looking for anything serious, would I be a bad person for hanging out with her given that she really wants me to? From how flirtatious this girl is being I feel that inevitably we could end up hooking up if I do. I feel like this would be a bad thing to do if I still want to work things out with my ex... but given that right now I have done all I can with her and am waiting on her now. So I may as well have some fun correct?

amicon · Apr 6, 2011, 11:52 AM

Well,as you're already questioning it,it's not a great idea is it?

Heal first,and that means NC with the ex,not being there when she decides she wants to see you-you're not her puppy!

talaniman · Apr 6, 2011, 12:02 PM

Your ex isn't trying to get back with you, she is keeping you around, and you both go back to a comfort zone with no commitment.

You may have warned her of your mental state, but you are still following her program, that's not all that honest. I see this as a danger zone of repeated disappointment. Watch yourself.

As for the new girl, be a lot more honest with her than you are with the ex, and if you can't enjoy meeting new people then don't be a stick in the mud. I get so tired of folks saying they aren't ready for anything serious, and see a simple meeting as cheating on an ex that dumped you.

I wouldn't make myself available to an ex that dumped me, unless the first words out of her mouth after she said she missed me was lets try this again, and I would still give it a lot of thought. That one way love just ain't for me.

dwidrick · Apr 6, 2011, 12:08 PM

I didn't tell my ex that I was in a bad mental state... I told this new girl that I was.
Having said that I understand where you are coming from and appreciate the response. Also can you see the whole second post? It merged them together and all I can see if my first question.