[clearday1]

Hi. I've been going out with my boyfriend for over a year now. It's not too long, but I love him a lot and feel he is the one for me. He really takes care of me like nobody every did. We talked about marriage and neither of us want to get married. We think it is stupid, just a paper that will not really mean we love each other or not. However, I am worried about one thing. As a woman, I really feel someday in my life I'd like to have a baby with him, though not now, I don't feel ready yet although I should be, 29 years old already! The thing is, he doesn't want to have kids, and it really makes me feel that is a sign that he doesn't love me... I asked him several times and he answered he doesn't have stability at his job now, which I know. I told him, I'm not saying now, but some day in the future. He answered maybe, in a way that I realised I'm pushing him into something he doesn't want. I try to forget about it, and think that time will tell, but it makes me really sad thinking he doesn't think of a future life with me and sharing the bringing up of a child. Do you think this all means he doesn't love me? I don't want to push him, but I think it is important for me to build a family. I keep thinking: should I push him to an answer and then think if I really want to go on a relationship in which maybe both of us think differently? Or should I let time go past? He's told me he's each time better with me and feels like spending more time with me, so maybe time will make him love me more and want a family with me... or maybe that will never happen... Please tell me what you think. Thanks.

[talaniman]

Marriage is more than a piece of paper, it's a contract and commitment. It binds you to certain obligations, and responsibilities. Right now, you have the words, but not the actions. Oh sure you live together(?), as a couple, but you aren't doing what long terms couples do, have a home full of kids. That's the intent of marriage giving your kids a structure to learn, and grow.

He doesn't want that responsibility, because other things are more important than kids to him.

Whether he changes his mind on that, or not is anyone's guess, but I suspect he would be quite angry if his world where rocked by adding to his obligations. Hey some guys are like that, and may never be ready to leave his comfort zone. Its not about you or what you want, its entirely about him, and what he has. Freedom, but no obligations, or responsibilities.

[DoulaLC]

If you feel that someday you are going to want children, and he has said that he doesn't, you are going to need to make a tough decision.

Either you end the relationship so that you will be available to meet someone who feels the same way that you do, or you stay knowing that there is a good chance that you won't be having any children in your future.

Might he change his mind?. sure. Should you stay with him hoping that he will, or that you will be able to persuade him to?. only you can decide if you want to take that gamble.

His not wanting children with you doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It just means he doesn't want children. Some people, men and women both, do not.

Question for you... Do you truly think marriage is stupid or is that more him talking? If someone you loved, and who you felt truly loved you and wanted to build a life with you, asked you to marry them, would you say no, it's just a piece of paper?

[vanheart]

Communication is key here. After a year.

This is a good sign of his sentiments. And yours.

Guys use $ as an excuse, especially when they are back into a corner.
Girls like to pressure.

Is he the guy you want & vis-versa?

You better start communicating & stop fantasizing.

You had a nice year, now take it to the next level.

Get to the bottom of things. If you 2 are right...

[pandead]

I'm 29 and I don't feel ready either. But one thing I learned from my past relationships, you can't change a man if he doesn't want to. A lot of men become fathers because they don't want to lose their partners, or because it's the way "things are supposed to go": long time relationship, eventually marriage and kids.

Your boyfriend might never be ready for kids. It's not a bad thing if you are willing to make this sacrifice for him. I dated a man who didn't want kids and back then, I really did. I thought he'd change with time... 8 years and a marriage later, he still didn't. But what would you prefer, someone who is honest about it, or an absent, frustrated father?

If you don't think he's worth the risk, then you are losing your time.


On a side note, as an answer to the posters above, remember culture plays an important role in your opinion about marriage. In a lot of countries (like mine) marriage isn't common. People just live together, have kids and if they decide to, they get married afterwards. (Heck, we get tax reductions for getting married because the rate is so low!) So it doesn't mean anything to a lot of people (without mentionning the incredible divorce costs and procedures.)

[DoulaLC]

pandead... true, in many countries (where I live as well) more and more couples are choosing not to marry, but that makes the fact of it being seen as more of a commitment even greater.

If marriage didn't mean anything, what would be the point of getting married after living together for awhile, possibly having children, and building a life?

I think you made the point that many people share... the fear, cost, and hassle of getting divorced scares many people. Easier to walk away if things don't work out if you don't throw divorce into the mix as well. I also think that, for some people, marriage is seen as losing some sense of their freedom.

If it truly didn't mean anything, why not go ahead, get that piece of paper, and gain some benefits... at the very least a tax reduction!

From what the OP writes, I get the impression that she doesn't really think marriage is stupid and just a piece of paper. Obviously I could be wrong; it wouldn't be the first time... :)

[Cat1864]

Clearday, I am going to be blunt and it may seem harsh.

Are the two of you having sex? If so, then you need to discuss the possibility of having children with him and find out what he would do if the birth control method you are using fails. No form of contraceptive is 100% short of having reproductive organs removed. Several of our posters became parents while using various forms (in some cases, two forms) of birth control. (My husband had a vasectomy long before I met him. We have two great children. He healed.)

You do not need to be with someone who not only doesn't want children, but wouldn't be there for you and your child should an accident happen (I don't think you would plan an 'accident', but he might if he is that against having children.) You don't want to find out that he would want you to abort rather than have the child when you are at a vulnerable time.

That said, does he have reasons other than not wanting to be a parent for not having children? Do genetic defects run in his family that he doesn't want to take a chance of passing on? Are there things in his past that make him unsure about being a parent?

As has been said, this isn't about how much he loves you or what he thinks of your future together.

[DoulaLC]

Clearday,

Cat makes an excellent point... babies happen even when you aren't planning on it.

If this is a man that you are feeling is not going to make the sort of commitment you want or need, best to reconsider staying with him.

You could try talking with him about it one last time to see if there is any point in continuing, but it sounds like the two of you want very different lives.

[Auntie_Glo]

He probably does love you but is not ready for a commitment with you. As you have only been together for a year, he wants to know that you are the right person to be the mother of his children. You never mentioned how old he was - if he is in his 30s then usually they want to settle down. Perhaps he is not the kind to do this. If you want children then don't hang around waiting and waiting for the time to be right. Ever wonder what he would do if you fell pregnant? Did he agree or encourage you into the conclusion of not marrying? Ever wonder if you had children - would they want their parents married? Honestly - I think he is not ready for commitment and is enjoying his life at the moment. Would you want him to be the father of your children? - he sounds responsible to mention his unstable job. What about the future - are not all jobs unstable to some degree? Will this be an ongoing issue? Will he change his mind? Stand up for yourself and let him see what your needs are, he sounds a very evasive and uncertain person. But love can be blind to our faults. Best of luck in persuading him to see your point of view and your own needs for having your own family. X