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We've been together for 4 years now. He's currently deployed to Kuwait and has been since May 2010, and is due back around April. We are 21 and 20.

Basically, he has always been insecure with himself and with me, and he compensates for this with anger and seclusion. For example, we just had an argument because he called me while I was sleeping and completely convinced himself that I was on the phone with another guy. He didn't talk to me for a few days, leaving himself to only him and his thoughts. He says he became delusional because he was up for 28 hours between working and class and this added to his thoughts. It's hard because in the right mind, he knows I wouldn't do that, but for some reason he just latches onto those thoughts once they're there. He admitted to me a little while ago that he is insecure with himself too, but you'd never know it because he hides it with almost a fake confidence.

I'm convinced it stems from his upbringing. He lived with his mom while his dad lived in a different state (I wish he'd lived with his dad instead, but the courts wouldn't give him custody because he tried to take them from their mom). His mom dated horrible guys, from abusers to drug users to convicts to drunks, and some all of the above. My boyfriend had to witness the abuse and drug deals and his mom throwing away her life into the drug world, all the while raising his two younger sisters with his older sister. (The younger ones had different father). I know he had to have felt completely helpless until he was a little older and was able to stand up for his family and literally threaten these men to make them leave. Not only that but his mother was constantly moving from them house to house.

There was no stability or control in his life until he moved in with his dad and older sister at 17 and we started dating. Even now, his mom is married to another guy (unemployed, jerk) and constantly asks her kids for money. His dad sends money for gifts for the two girls that aren't even his. (Their dad is in prison). My point is that I believe he is so insecure about me (or anyone he is close to) hurting him or leaving him because he had no stability and couldn't trust anyone for the first 17 years of his life. The only authority figure he could have trusted, his dad, he was made to believe was a deadbeat when that wasn't the case at all. On top of the insecurity, he was very controlling/possessive (we broke up for a year and got back together in July), which I think stems from the lack of control he had, and the fact that he really had nothing to hold on to. I feel like the closer he gets to someone, the more he tries to pull back. When we got back together he wasn't as worried, but as we got closer again, he started to get jealous and worry a lot. I know it comes down to him not wanting to lose me and being afraid of getting hurt. Even the way he likes to cuddle indicates his want for security because we argue all the time about who has to be the "big spoon". He'd rather I was holding onto him.

The bottom line is that his insecurities do cause our biggest - really our only problems - in our relationship. Truth his, he does get angry and does turn into a jerk and does have these insecurities which cause him to do things he wouldn't normally do, but he is the most beautiful person inside and out. He would do anything for someone he loves and he deserves to be able to trust them too.

Sorry for the book, but I really appreciate any time and help.

[callym17]

I have a similar situation and well I've been trying to find the answers to he very same problem. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2years and some change.. Throughout our entire relationship he has been so insecure bcoz his dad left when he was 3 and he had no relationship with him. His girlfriend before m had also cheated on him and all his so called friends knew except him... That betrayl had really gotten to him. He was also involved in drugs and he has stopped now. He is terrified of getting hurt and also constantly thinks that I'm cheating. I've also experienced the whole not answering your cellphone dielemma. He thought I was with someone else or busy talking to another guy. Ever since I started university its been ten times worst. I myself have no idea what to do. I love him so much and I really don't want to lose him. But evrthing I do is just making him go insane. Even if I go do my hair or nails.. he automatically thinks its for som1 else! When I do it to luk nice for him! Its really hard.. I know this proberly the answer you were expecting,but trust me. Your not alone and I wish I knew the solution to our problems, its so tough always having to explain yourself and trying not do anything to jeopardise your relationship. But I do agree with that whole point of insecurities having to do with their upbringings and childhood. I wish there was something one could do to ease the pain they put themselves through. Insecurities are social suicide.. anyway I hope you and your boyfriend somehow get through it... its best to just always have faith hey:) take care and goodluck