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My mom is elderly now. There is a lot of unresolved conflict in our relationship and I am afraid how it will affect me when she finally passes away. Then there will be no chance to work anything through. Most of it stems from the fact that she was not very keen on children who had hurt feelings. She was only comfortable with children who were socially comfortable for her to be around.
And that was a bit of a problem because my oldest brother was physically ill and very cruel. So, it left me with nobody to go to for help. He was not sexually abusive, just very tormenting and cruel in whatever way can be imagined. My father was detached and in another universe, so help from him was useless. My father chose to ignore it and my mother chose to blame us for the abuse rather than work with the situation. My brother did things to torture and frighten us. He laughed at us, mocked us if he felt like it. Hit us and hurt us when we were all younger. It was terrible. Hateful or mocking looks. As we aged, it was a constant mix of mental and emotional cruelty with physical abuse. He used imagined slights as his justification. You could tell as he started to ramp up with his awful glare, or heavy sigh and belittling remark. Then it would progress into days of torture until he felt we had been punished enough. Not letting us forget that he was all powerful. Then, a day or two later, he would use some innocent behavior as justification to start the torture again. It might be a refusal to do exactly as he ordered, or he would simply create a reason and start punishing. I remember it got so bad I didn't even have to look at him to know he was there. That heaviness that was always about me ready to hurt me badly. And, yes. I know how sick he was. No need to go into that. We actually understand what he did. But what hurts me so is how unsupportive and cutting my mother was toward the rest of us over it. How vicious she could be if you complained. My mom chose to believe we teased him and asked for it. I can assure you that there was no glory or victory to be had in teasing this person. There was no winning. Only surviving from one day to the next. But we were ordered to get along with him. Abandoned and expected to act like adults or reap the consequences of his wrath. There was no intervention, except for her getting mad at him, which was like swatting an elephant with a feather duster. The more I cried out, the more my mother distained me. I needed her to say to him, "This is my daughter and you are hurting her. I don't want you to hurt her." Even if she had to say that 100 times. What would it have cost her? Really? He would have pouted and eventually stopped or fought with her until he gave up. But because he knew how to play the system, and she didn't want to deal with him it went on for years on end. It's a daily agony. I am awash with feelings of fear and anger and being unsafe, although he has now died. Feeling very sad that she blames me for my own demise. Remembering her yelling at me for making a "big deal" out of things. And as an adult, it cuts just as deeply as it did when I was a child. I am honestly so confused by my mother's actions. And I am very angry she made me responsible for the way he treated me. It doesn't seem right for a mother to do that. I keep thinking that if she were subjected to it for even two weeks like I was, her perspective would be entirely different. And I know she would have taken measures to stop him. But because it wasn't her, it's not real. I wish I had a dollar for every time she got mad and said, "Just ignore it!". And now, there is no broaching the subject with her or she gets mad and ridicules me for bringing it up, throws my complaints back in my face and brings it around to how I have hurt her. She laughs at my sincerity when I try to tell her how I honestly feel and that if I hurt her I am sorry. But she takes anything that deviates from pretending its all okay as an insult. She is too old now to risk getting upset. It's not good for her at this age. This is hard because she probably won't live for many more years and I want to resolve these issues before she dies. Sometimes I do just fine. Other times I am overwhelmed with grief that there seems no way to put the sadness to rest. I know there were other situations which displayed how backwards she was. If something didn't work out too well in my life, she didn't tell me why it didn't impress her or help me understand what the pitfalls were. Are you kidding?? She just disrespected me all the more for not magically "knowing" how to be a success. And my successes were not acknowledged, though I had a number of them. I have talked to counselors about this. And I have gotten through a lot of the issues with my brother. Some people have chided me and told me to be thankful I had a mom to take care of me. They have no idea what I am talking about. I love my mother dearly and appreciate all she has done, which is quite a lot. But I was still punished for deviating from the family script. For making waves with my problems. And believe me. It was severe emotional punishment. She has never celebrated who I really am - which shows how detached she was from the trauma I was going through. It was all so conditional! Please feel free to leave encouragement. I need it because I know she will pass on soon and I want to be prepared. *** Since writing this yesterday I have found information on sibling abuse. All my instincts are correct. We should have been protected. There should have been action to help my brother and to set boundaries on his behavior. There is no crime in crying out the truth, as my mother always punished me for doing. I do feel better. I started at this address Sasian - Sibling Abuse Survivors' Information & Advocacy Network It is the Sibling Abuse Survivor's Information and Advocacy Network! It has great links and info. SI |
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 Originally Posted by Angela_A
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A lot of it has to do with the mothers either being insecure, negative or miserable with their own self and taking it out on their kids. Or they could be passive aggressive or manipulative
0R any combination of these. Then too there are the parents that actually do resent their kids for whatever reasons |
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Originally Posted by N0help4u
When we are kids our parents are like God. I carried that around with me until recently and held my mother accountable for what I didn't get. Now, with the symptoms under control I can look at her more clearly. She does fall into your category... Originally Posted by N0help4u
In other ways my mother is a winner and an unsung hero who demonstrated steadfast love toward her children. If you knew the details you would certainly agree. I would never call her a bad mother. She was simply needy in her own right and it took a toll. We have to remember that parents who are insecure, negative or miserable do not have the tools to be what a child needs. It can be heartbreaking to be that child. It might leave you with a feeling of extreme anger at being short changed, wondering how you will ever be successful in life. But the fact is they simply could not do what we needed. That doesn't ever excuse abuse, but it does help take the "did I deserve it?" out of the equation. All children need good role models and good parenting. So, take heart if your mother was less than what you needed. It isn't your fault. And others who went through it do stand by you. SI |
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I can relate to this big time. My mother tries to destroy my life in any way she can. I was sick for a whole year going to hospitals and doctors and no one knew what was wrong. I was prescribed a medication that caused me to pass out at the wheel. My mother went and told everyone that I was an alcoholic and on drugs when she knows that I don't even drink. She was with me that morning and wouldn't drive me home. Then she sued my finance and I for custody of my daughter. She saw an opportunity where I was not working and very sick and tried to hurt me worse by taking my child. The courts saw through her B.S. and when all was said and done, she looked like an . She was lucky she wasn't charged with perjury and slapped with a defamation of character suit on top of that. She tried to ruin my Finance's career and reputation. She called our church and his company and our friends telling them he was abusive and on drugs. My finance doesn't smoke or drink and never has, he has a degree in Business and a medical degree, so she really is an idiot to think people would believe her. The point is that she tried to ruin my family and caused constant turmoil in my life for not only that year but even before this during my whole life. She was calling us and screaming at us, her neighbors were harassing us and threatening us. It was insane. Why any mother could want to hurt her own child is beyond me. I have a beautiful 12 year old daughter who is prettier and smarter then I ever was at that age and I am happy and proud to be her mother. I think it's jealousy that causes this and its disgusting to me. She has tried to hurt me my whole life telling me my father hated me, I never do anything right, I'm lazy, and her whole life consists of making up lies to turn others against me. Someone tell me how this behavior could possibly be misunderstood and how this comes from love?
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I feel like I wrote several of the post people have written here.
I also was raised by a mother who hated me. Reality didn't hit me until about 4 years ago at which time I was forced to cut all ties with her as she was deterimined to kill me off. I was severely ill---only luck has kept me alive--and she turned into a total monster when I got sick. She turned into a demon because I lost my job due to illness. She was a monster in disguise but she got worse She loved to make up lies about me to get her friends to gang up on me and attack me (while I was seriously ill). I was her most caring and most loyal offspring. Raised her other offsprings since before I was 5. Cooked, cleaned, did laundry and used to get up very early in the morning to fix my siblings' school lunches. We were like twins taking her with me everywhere I went. Always looking out for her no matter what. I told her I wanted her to write letters to her friends to let them know she was making up lies about me. Parents keep secrets from us so they can hate us and abuse us and attack us and to leave us without ammunition to defend ourselves from them. One never knows if they are drug addicts, whores, alcoholics in secret. One never knows if the offspring they hate most is someone born out of wedlock. I have a sister who hates her sweetest daughter because she reminds her of her mother-in-law. She hates her mother-in-law and also the offspring that looks like the mother-in-law. The first time I met my brother's wife, she came in announcing that she hated our family. She now has my niece who has our blood in her. I wonder if she now hates her daughter because she hates our family. I have seen this wife no more than 5 times. She hates our family although she doesn't know any of us. . I just hope that women out there who don't like their husband's family get their tubes tied so they don't make a family member they hate before it is even born. Better yet, if you don't like the husband's family don't let the family's sperm inside your body. Some people are just hateful for no reason at all. Probably just a habit they learned from childhood. We all have issues but some of us don't go around hating people. There is just no excuse for hate. |
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Originally Posted by marie62922
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Janice, honey, it will be the best thing you ever do.
I had to call the cops on my mother because she drove 600 miles to my house and showed up at my door. She didn't like that I didn't talk to her anymore, but I let the authorities handle it. The best part was that they told her that she would be charged with criminal trespassing if she ever bothered me again. |
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Originally Posted by marie62922
I also have had the exact,and I mean the same experience as you,called the most horrible names in the book including prostitute at age 14 when I even hardly knew anything about sex or boys just because I wore a pair of trousers one Saturday morning.did all the work at home while other siblings went out and played with friends and made up lies about me and spread them to our church members and friends such that whenever we went to church lots of grownups would come up to me and tell me if only I could just be a good kid.I have a little sister and my mum treats her like a queen.I have never understood how she felt about me until I was 19 and asked her why she treated me that way.she flatly told me that she has never loved me and never will and I asked her why she felt that way.she said I have not done anything to her but she just hates me.I forgave her and just put it beside me until I had a steady and serious boyfriend at age 21 and moved out to say with him because she told me she couldn't take care of me anymore.then she started going round telling people lies that I had contracted the HIV and I didn't know anything about it.I just had friends and people(some of her friends)see me and say they are sorry for me.I didn't understand what they were talking about till they told me what my mum said about me.I asked her about it and she denied it,then admitted.I always put all the things she said and did to me aside including beating my face with a cooking pan till the next morning I couldn't see anything because my face would be so swollen. Some of her friends saw me a few years ago and told me that they think my mum is jealous of me so I should be careful of her.some friends of hers came to visit and told her I was a beautiful girl(age15)and after they left she slapped me and told me I am not beautiful but look like a monster and am very ugly.I knew that was not true but I didn't react.God knows I have forgiven her for all she did to me but I will probably live with all she did to me.I have cut her out of my life for good but hold no grudges only experiences with her.I hope one day she regrets all she did to me.I am 26 now and 2 years ago she wrote a letter to me telling me to forgive her because she was not a good mother to me.I did and called her only for her to start cursing me on the phone that I am no good and will never make it in life(I didn't do or say anything for her to react that way).she just asked me what my plans were for the future and I told her I was working on it.then the cursing followed.I forgive her but I can never forget. |
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After reading so many of other peoples answer to why mothers hate their children I don't know if Im lucky or if it's the same. Maybe Ive jumped the gun or is it all in my head or everything my Mom believes that I do, shows me she hates me. The thing is my Mom never verbally abused me, or puts me down in specific words. Never has she said she hates me or Im stupid or ugly or no good. What she does Ill say is so hurt ful I wish she would say she hates instead of what she does now. It's a long story but so is everyone's lets just say, one thing she has done to me is about 2 months ago my daughter stayed with me over the weekend because she was going to her home away from home and full didn't want to go now but she had to and Jaclyn already made plans. So my Mom goes on to say over and over if you can't watch her Ill make other plans, can she stay with you because I have to be down there this weekend I can't change my plans, can she stay with you this weekend. Over and over I say there is no problem with staying with me there never has been one and certainly since I sit home most of the time since Im disabled sinceI have no plans and she is always welcomed here. Finally, after so many times she asks me the same thing again and again, now don't think she's only being considerat e of my situation no way because she's in denial about my disability, why don't you go get a job you could do something sitting down, and I don't bring the facts up that I need more surgury or this or that I just take cAREE OF Myself. SO why does that bother me so much her saying this to me, if she cared how I felt then why do I have to tell her 10 times Im not doing anything I can pick her up, that's everyday after school she's takes a bus that drops her about a mile from home, I would pick her up everyday just like I used to get up to take her to school when she was younger, only when she feels that with going to this Dr and rushing to get back and picking her she may not make it back, will she ask me to pick her up, even when I say Mom don't rush back to get her Ill get her, no ill call you or you call me at 3pm and if Im not done then you call, then you will have to get her, when I call she says Im coming now you don't have to get her, Mom don't rush Ill get her, what's the difference Im already out. Besides these discounting of me being an alive capable person will never end I keep thinking they will if I just try harder to be a good son. There are more complex WILL conditions that Ive been outed of and lets say in the last 3 years every weekend during the summer my brothers and Mom and my daughter go to the beach home only one time have I been invited and that's how it goes Im left out of my families life whether its Sunday dinner or plain old Tuesday Im not asked to come along. Then it goes to the ridiculous when Im around for one reason like my other daughters graduation at college she will plow me down in front of everyone with whatever happened to my mothers silver did I give that to you or Linda an x sister inlaw of another of my brothers, my daughter starts to look over at me because she knows I sold it Ive told my Mom I had to sell it, it was either lights and a/c food in the frig when I first became disabled and I was 100% broke, my Mom would call me at my store and say you better get home you can't leave your daughter to do your job and watch the baby, she was about 5 or six and the older was 13 or 14 and it would be 4PM and I still was at work, if she couldn't have them over after school then I needed to be home, I would argue just a little that HJ will watch her, that's not fair for her she has to have a life also, Id say well if I close my bossiness you will know why Id say that after a year or 2 of being told what to do and its not fair to her,HJ I was going crazy, I finally closed my business and ended up at my Moms home with my daughter, the older one had gone away to school but she had a room at my mom too. Then one night out of know where it seamed like take your stuff and get out I don't care where you go. From there I went to where Im living now. My brothers are treated like family my daughters are more drawn to my Mom than me, my Mom pays for everything, vacations, close, cars schools, and she blames me for anything she can think of, like in the beginning of this I was saying about full staying over, well that Sat. night I picked her up at a friends house at 4AM she was coming home by 1AM either calling me or I was to pick her up, at 1AM she calls and says we are all going back to Susans house I make her tell me where and it was like pulling teeth finally from what her friend said or even knew I goggled the area and was waiting for her to call me, now I can't get her to almost 3AM when she answers the phone everyone just fell asleep, well wake it up I getting you now. I was to honest about Jacln when telling her what went on besides she had been calling her checking up and calling me to check up on the where abouts of her granddaughter. From that day going forward Im well your father lets you do anything, he will let her stay out all night. To me working out a plan to get her to do her homework, shell say I told you when she first got here I don't do school work I did that with you kids no more, then break down with then if she doesn't do this then Ill tell her she has to go live with your father, I became the punishment and when my name came up or we would talk about her you would hear you let her stay out all night.
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luvlymazzy, I am so impressed you were able to see things so clearly, and express them even though it must have been very difficult to do so. I am very pleased and proud that you were able to turn out so well, and have the ABILITY TO LOVE no matter how little love you got on your own. You could still have a baby and LOVE THAT CHILD, no matter what.
I often think that the "Cinderella story" really is true, and that is why it is still so popular and heart warming today. The wicked mother (or stepmother) and the evil sisters... all making Cinderella do all the work and giving her rags and crumbs... but she still found her own life and her wonderful Prince Charming, and it just goes to show that our own dreams, whatever they may be, can STILL COME TRUE. Thanks so much for posting, and bravo for the smileys and frowneys you used to illustrate your story. Loved that! Especially the four grumpy ones to illustrate the wicked (step)mother's actions. Fantastic! You even still have a great sense of humor. Keep up the good work! |
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Originally Posted by Angela_A
You really know mothers that act this way? There is no way I would do this to my kids. I love my kids. Michelle |
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"TOXIC PARENTS"
One of the best books I ever read, cover to cover, over and over again, was "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. In fact, I have every single book she ever wrote. Her insights have saved my life many times. I finally came to the conclusion that mental illness runs in my family, be it alcoholism, personality disorders, depression, or whatever. I think the anger, rages, gossip and name-calling really comes from paranoid delusions, insecurities, jealousy, misdirected anger and so forth. There is no reason why one child is picked on, unless that one child might have "more gifts" or more beauty or intelligence, or whatever. Whatever the parent doesn't like or feels threatened by or wishes they had... or sometimes it is just the "pecking order." As one child finally leaves, especially if it's to get away from their tormentors, another woeful child ends up taking their place. You see this in any group, from the family group to the neighborhood or class at school, or the workplace and finally in the world. Some people are so woefully inadequate as individuals and as human beings they literally can't survive if they are not trying to control and attack someone else. You see it here on these forums of AskMeHelpDesk (dot) com! Look at how there is always a consistent group of cruel, unreasonable, "always right" borderline, or psychopathic individuals that gang up on others. When they form a group, look out! That's what tears forums apart, and the same thing happens in a "family" group. I think the notion that "family" is the be-all and end-all of our permanent relationships, and being told that "family is always there for you" simply isn't always the case. Just like having a million dollars doesn't always "make you rich." We think money will solve all our problems, just like we are raised to believe that "family" will provide the love and sense of self that we need, but it unfortunately doesn't always work that way. I am so glad that there is beginning to be more and more information about "toxic" people available. I have learned that at least for now, the best rule is the "stay away" rule and that we can create our own "family" in the friends and spouses we CHOOSE. Then, if we still end up with a very negative, cruel individual in our new family (whether it's husband, wife, daughter, son) the best thing we can do is detach "with love." I think this means to forgive them their trespasses and let them go out of our lives. If they are ever going to change, it will have to come from them, and we can accept it or reject it, but first of all try to know that they suffer from a mental illness (even if it's just called "mean and cruel") and we need to see the truth about their lives and their actions, and don't expect things to change. The first and foremost rule, in my mind, is to learn to take care of myself and learn to love myself, since no one else is going to do it. Once I have learned to give myself what I give away to everyone else, then I will recognize and know how to identify those broken individuals who really mean me harm, and to recognize who really does love me and has the capacity to share. I no longer have to accept mistreatment from ANYONE, and if they do (as mldubose described), I will take steps to ensure my own mental, emotional and physical safety. I will create a "safety net" and find ways to take care of myself. There will still be plenty to go around for everyone else, especially those ones who return caring and sharing in return. One of my favorite websites is gratefulness.org. They have a grief/joy posting website, where I have found many people in the same situations. They also also have a free "Word of the Day" email that is a wonderful reminder of what really does matter in this world, always pointing us to the best of ourselves within. I love getting up in the morning (no matter who has upset me the day before) and reading my little "gratefulness prayer" that stays with me for the rest of the time, and can be re-read any time I need it. I hope these can help everyone else, too. I think the most important thing I have to learn is that when I am attacked or bullied or rejected or chastised (by anyone, not just “Mommie Dearest,” it is not my fault. Be it mother, father, or an outside "damaged" agent. They have their problems and need to work their anger out at somewhere else, preferably a gym. I am no one's punching bag and it is up to me to "teach them that," even if it means just "voting with my feet." The No Contact Rule. Works (almost) every time. Thanks to everyone for sharing these emotional and real experiences; it's not easy at all. There is nothing like finally admitting the truth, even when it hurts, and saying "My mother did not love me. My mother may not have learned how to love, and now was or is not capable of Love, but I AM. I will learn to love myself and loving everyone else will follow. Put myself first for a change and not take others poisonous behavior to heart. Let them stew in their own soup that they made, and I will go cook something delicious for me and my family on my stove. I will plant a beautiful garden and take care of it in my yard. I will tend to my "spiritual garden" and my beautiful garden at home. In her biography, Tina Turner talked about how you had to cut negative things out of your life and things that just "didn't work," whether it was your car, your mother, your son... anything that was always breaking down and draining your energy. That thought always stayed in my mind for years, that "some relationships" WERE in fact just like certain cars, that no matter how many times you tried to fix them, were always breaking down. Maybe we need a "lemon law" for relationships! We have to “Just say No” and cut them out of our life. Just like an abusive husband, we divorce ourselves, remain polite, and give ourselves what they were obviously incapable of giving. We put ourselves first and perhaps later on, down the lines, our spiritual realizations will be able to spill over into abusive relationships, so that at least they can do us no harm and we will be able to react out of compassion instead of pain, anger or fear. We will be able to say “best wishes to you” and move on and go ahead with our own ideas, goals and lives. Peace reigns when we see the reality of how miserable these people are. That realization instantly takes away their power to “take away our joy.” I always try to remember to, no matter what the situation is, ask God to “forgive them they know not what they do. Forgive them for me, since I can not do it myself, and Thank you for all the good things I have in my life right now. Please God, show me the way.” That's my simple little prayer I try to remember to say, no matter what, each time a negative or hurt thought comes into my mind. That's my salve and my balm. I can't change how my mother or family is, but I can change my thoughts which leads to changing the emotional pain. I don't go to church anymore, but when I “put things in God's Hands,” and ASK FOR PEACE OF MIND, it comes “miraculously” out of the beautiful blue sky. Hurt and angry thoughts float by like clouds in the sky, across the horizon and over the trees, and peace of mind shows up like birds on wing. Then I see the flowers and the trees and the light shining down, and realize that my feelings are truly my “state of mind,” and all I have to do is ask God to help me find peace and show me the way. Keep my feet on the path and put it in His Hands. I just have to remember to do this. God will help me learn to “sail my ship” through any type of storm. Best Wishes, Catherine Todd |
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ordinaryguy, thank you so much for your comment. Much appreciated!
I am never sure about posting here due to criticisms and deletions of posts (sometime apparently "at will") and I'm never sure about "acceptable length" of posts, but this issue (and a number of others) are so important that I feel they deserve as detailed a response as possible. I am so relieved to know that what I have been able to contribute has been helpful to some people here. Thanks again! |
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Chain of hearts,when I read your full story,I just broke down and wept like a baby for you ,myself and all of us out there who may have gone through the same or similar experience.but yours was particularly too touching for me.I just can't imagine why some parents prefer to damage their children beyond repairs and leave them hanging with no hope or care about their feelings.it must have been really hard for you and I wonder how you are still going strong.please don't say you're far too broke for a shrink.I am sure you are much more a beautiful person both inside and yet you stood strong to have to go through all those unimaginable and horrible things your mother did to you.I know about low self esteem and not been able to show love and emotions in relationships because the damage my mother put on me has made me feel the same way(and made me have failed relationships with good men) and yet I must confess that your story is 1000% more serious than mine and look what mine did to me.I also never wanted to have kids just in case I was not a good parent to him or her,but I found this wonderful man and we have been going steady for 2 years and he knows my story and situation and completely understands and stands by me in everything.he knows it's hard for me to show emotions of love,trust or anything other than anger,but he is patient with me and I am surprised that his patience and love for me is changing me into a much better person.I used to believe that there was no hope in restoring me mentally or emotionally in any way,but I now believe that with patience,perseverance,hope and hardwork you can do it.I am just tired of living my life full of hatred,pain and anger and deciding to let things go is probably the best decision I have ever taken in my life for myself.(I have no contact with her anymore and will keep it this way till I hear she has passed on)i have other siblings but I was the only one who was treated this way in the family though I was a good kid too.for her to tell me in my face that she has hated me all my life and loved the rest of my siblings for no reason was the hardest blow in my face.then I realised that even if she didn't love me,there is always going to be someone out there who will definitely love you for who you are and not take advantage of you.just keep strong and I know you will pull through.
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catherinetodd,
Thanks for your inspirational post.nothing is too long so far as it gives us the encouragement we all need.I visited gratefulness.org and will definitely join the grief/joy forum because I need all the support,love and encouragement I can get even if it's from other people with same or similar experience because I can't afford a therapist or shrink but I know I have to get on with life some way or another.so why not share experience and encouragement with people I can relate to?reading all these posts has made me feel a lot lighter that I am not the only one who went through all those and I get people who can relate to my experiences too without judging or blaming me and saying I could have been a better kid. |
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https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/childr...tml#post926658
Why mothers hate their children 3.10.08 gorgeouslady: You wrote: "... reading all these posts has made me feel alot lighter that I am not the only one who went through all those and i get people who can relate to my experiences too without judging or blaming me and saying I could have been a better kid." Me, too! I am so glad that my post helped you as much as yours, and everyone else's, has helped me! I wouldn't worry about not being able to afford therapy," I went for years and out of about 8 or 10 different therapists, in the different places I lived, only one was really "helpful" and she cost $100.00 per hour! I was living in Paris and she was English and had a practice at the American Church in Paris, but I could only afford to go one hour per week. I needed eight hours per day! That's why forums such as these are so great and helpful; they are FREE and it's easy to learn pretty quickly which people are "helpful" and which people are not. in fact, the mean ones on discussion forums are good for “practice” in how not to take the bait, since they - along with some mothers - love to do it and don't know how to live any other way. Plus it is all in writing, so there is a written record that one can go back to review to see just what happened, and what led up to it, and who else got attacked and what their response was, and it becomes a pretty clear picture of “who we are” and “what we really want.” We paint our own portraits with our actions and words. We are not painting a portrait of someone else as we say we “hate them” or criticize them or make malicious attempts at control. People like that are so full of self-hatred and rage, they have to find somewhere to “spread it around.” That's what I like also about posting to message boards: it's apparent pretty quickly which people are mean-spirited, condescending, cruel or controlling. They will go after everyone in pretty much the same way (much like certain mothers do to certain of their children) which via this board we see happens a lot more often than anyone really realized. Susan Forward talks about this in her book “Toxic Parents.” That's an eye-opener for sure. Watching what happens to certain people BY certain people here on these boards is a real eye-opener as well. Just like growing up at home! Bullies go after anyone they can, and we all have to learn how to handle it at least until cyberbullying and cyberstalking is better controlled. Those same “evil spirits” must have controlled some of our parents or siblings, and we can see just how “families” and social groups operate: it all ends being pretty much the same. That's why people are constantly at war in families or between countries; it just grows and grows and goes, anywhere these negative individuals spread their angry dark cloud. It's up to us to learn not to be afraid of the lightning and thunder, and wait for the storms to pass. To not let the pirates “sink our ship” and “steal our joy.” That's the treasure they are after, since they can't generate any of their own. But I don't have to let them have mine. No, no, no. They will have to learn to get it from somewhere else. They can't rob everyone of what they don't have. If they can't give it, we can keep our peace and happiness for ourselves. That's what I am finally beginning to believe! I hope this is true; I've heard it my whole life, but only recently seen things with the “pirate” and “just say no” perspective. I think the main thing is that we have to learn that when we are bullied, intimidated or attacked, it is NOT OUR FAULT. That's how bullies operate. Their tactics are to threaten and intimidate, and make you believe that you “brought it on yourself” and you are to blame and somehow it is all your fault. I even read this on the official FBI “cyberbullying” website. (I'll try to find the link and post it as a question later on. It was incredibly informative, and sounded just like what so many of us have gone through, growing up and in our adult lives). Reading how cruel people operate, since they have to write it down here for it to have any effect, show us how we can learn that "being attacked" by others verbally (including our mothers) isn't for something "we did wrong," and that we are somehow “bad.” It's because there are certain individuals who are just plain sadistic, narcissistic and mean. They can be tyrants, kings, bosses, employees, parents, siblings, neighbors, anyone at all. I look at certain people as poisonous spiders or snakes or even crocodiles. But even if it's our own mother, we all have the chance to develop our OWN personalities. There is nothing those mean ones can do to change that. We can BE the person we want to be. We can treat others the way we want to be treated ourselves. We can learn to give to others what we wished was given to us. We can be what we wish they were. And most of all, we can be GOOD TO OURSELVES. It may take practice, and it may take a lot of effort to go ahead and “treat our selves well,” since we had always been told that we “didn't deserve anything,” but the old pecking order is over (and that's all it is, especially clear when you see a mother picking on just one child). That's why it's good to steer clear and adhere to the “no contact rule” just like when you leave an abusive husband. These types rarely change, and we can let them back in a little at a time ONLY if they stay on “good behavior.” Now we can make decisions for our selves. To be as nice to ourselves as we are to others. We don't have to continue beating on ourselves just because our mothers did it to us. Watching certain individuals here on these message boards has really brought this home to me, over and over. We all write our own words, and our words don't lie. The truth about ourselves always comes out, because no one can keep up a facade for long. It's all written down in black and white so it's easy to go back for review. Write down all the mean things your mother (or whoever) said about you, and too you, and write down your response, and then what you wish you had said. When I manage to do this, I find that I really am a pretty nice person, and I am usually very truthful. I rarely “go on the attack” and ONLY in “self-defense,” which isn't a crime except in an abuser's book. That's what I am learning here. When people describe other people, so often they are really "painting a picture of themselves." That's what it seems like to me, and it's clear in the words they use what kind of things they say. That goes for therapists, too; there's a lot of controlling crazy ones out there, and it's hard to see it since it's a one-on-one relationship. Plus, "a therapist would never do that!" is what too many people believe, so if you get a "bad one" you are at their mercy since "you are the one that needs help, not them." One last thought, re-reading your post: you wrote: " One last thought, re-reading your post: you wrote: " Amen! And you know what? They could have been “better mothers,” don't you think! Hah-hah-hah! So keep coming back to the boards. I appreciate being here so much. I might not be able to participate at some point, though, so feel free to contact me at ctodd1000 (at) gmail (dot) com. Thanks so much for writing back! Yours, Catherine Todd P.S. anothersadmom wrote: "we must be careful not to become our own parents as well." Amen! And you know what? They could have been “better mothers,” don't you think! Hah-hah-hah! So keep coming back to the boards. I appreciate being here so much. I might not be able to participate at some point, though, so feel free to contact me at ctodd1000 (at) gmail (dot) com. Thanks so much for writing back! Yours, Catherine Todd P.S. anothersadmom wrote: "write it all out" That's the truth... thanks for that important reminder! I find myself reacting and wanting to do to my own son the same things my parents did to me, when he hurts me and I react in a powerful way. I have to really work hard to be quiet and "no matter what I might have learned by how I was treated, that isn't the way to do it and I am NOT my parents. Be sure to check out all of Dr. Susan Forward's books (on Amazon or elsewhere). I have every single one she wrote along with all the codependent books by Melody Beattie. In times of stress, these books are my " and then try to come back and treat the situation calmly (as much as I can, which sometimes isn't much) and remember that " and "Band-Aids" That, and books by the Dalai Lama on how to handle emotions, and sit quietly and breathe in and out, and “watch them pass like clouds in the sky.” Then I come back here and read and write some more. Thanks so much, another mom, for pointing that out! I do NOT want "tourniquets." I want to break that chain and start something new, based on peace and love. I have to learn about all this from scratch. And now I will come out of all of this "history to repeat itself." And I didn't even need botox! This Q&A has been going on for over a year... just goes to show how many people are affected by these experiences, and how important this issue is for all of us. Thanks to Angela_A for posting it! Where is she? She only posted this one question, with no more posts at all. Hope she is happy and doing well. Would love to hear from her and thank her again. |
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I have to totally agree. My mom and I had quite a few very loud disagreements when I was growing up- I used to tell my Dad when I was little that I thought she stayed up nights just thinking of ways to make me miserable!
But things change as you get older. You begin to realize all the sacrifices your parents made for you- especially Moms- we are always there for our kids. Both my parents always were. And for my kids- whenever we needed them- it didn't matter to them what time it was. When my ex-husband and I split up, it was my parents who gave me a ring with a tiny heart on it- and a card that made me cry- just to let me know that I mattered to someone! It is not always easy- either for the parents, or the kids. When I was growing up she had a way of making me feel stupid- in fact, she used to tell me a lot "don't be so stupid"- and my father could do nothing right- no matter what. He always tried to please her, but she has always been controlling, and a perfectionist- no one can do anything right BUT her. And she always favored my brother over me. If I gave her advice, she listened and then ignored it, but if my brother said the same thing----that was what she did ! And you know what? None of it matters anymore. Because my mother is in a nursing home with Alzheimers. She still knows me and my brother and my daughter- my brother goes every single day- my daughter and I go 3 times a week. And she no longer walks or talks- just sits and smiles at us like she is so happy we are there. She can say yes or no and she sometimes laughs with us while we watch tv- but I would give anything if I could just have her in my house one more time or take her for a haircut- all the things we all complain about because we are too busy. Moms are busy too, you know- but we take the time- to spend with you, to talk with you, do whatever- if you are lucky. No, not all Moms are like that unfortunately- I am just talking from my own experience. I would give anything to listen again to the same stories she has told me numerous times, or I would be smarter and ask about relatives, experiences, anything that I am unable to ask her now. All I am saying is enjoy your Mom now while you can-and appreciate all that does and all that she is for you, because life is all too short and you can lose it all tomorrow and you will regret it.:) First off, I do not have a specific answer as to the sabotage or mean spirited words Angela says came from a mom. But, I can say this: even MOMS are people. And, oddly enough, I think nearly all of the above posters seemed to forget that... I THINK YOU NEED TO WALK A FEW STEPS IN A MOM's SHOES TO UNDERSTAND HER AND SEE HER FOR WHAT SHE'S DOING AND LOVE HER ANYWAY. Let me try to explain. You get pregnant let's say it's joyfully on purpose. You are thrilled, you love the baby even before it's a few cells. Everyone around you is SO HAPPY for you. You enjoy 9 months of this attention from others--special parking spaces included. You feel good taking care of yourself--eating well, taking vitamins, seeing our doctor... because you have the increased importance of taking care of now your baby, too. Then whamo, you give birth (not fun, but we Moms all get through it somehow) and, like I said to my husband when my 1st was born--now we're parents, now what do we do? Your life as you knew it before baby is suddenly changed. You will never again be just YOU. You will be MOM. --For years, in fact, your child won't even know you HAVE another name... And it begins this way: first everyone comes NOT to see MOM but the BABY. I think even in our age of equality of the sexes, MOM is still primary care giver. Mom is always WITH the baby, but suddenly no one notices MOM (like that commercial on TV about the 'invisible Mom feeling') they all come to see and ooh and ahh over the baby. Relatives who once loved MOM now are eager to get cards and letters and complain if there are no pictures of the BABY/young child. (It wouldn't matter if it included recent photo of Mom sky diving, they don't care, they want to see the baby!) For the most part, Moms accept this. They LOVE their babies and probably DO take tons of pictures. They love to just LOOK at their babies, smell their babies, hold their babies. Mom still carefully watches what baby eats, but when MOM is up all night and been pooped on, burped on, cried at for hours she maybe hasn't had a shower in days and eats leftovers from the meal she missed when baby was crying and only Mom could soothe. In toddlerhood it progresses to Mom is ultimate radar detector for baby hazards--she sees knives left on tables, small choke hazards on the floors, poisons in low cupboards. She seeks to protect this offspring that was once inside her, just as her hands once instinctively jumped to her pregnant belly to protect when baby was in there. It probably continues like this for many years until the children are quite grown/independent. Along the way, MOM is still a person. We all have good times/bad times. I suspect the Moms who fail to re-find themselves post-baby or who suffer the only-Moms-know real physical problems of having children: sexual satisfaction changes, adjustments from internal organs being shoved around during pregnancy, cystoceles, rectoceles, uterine prolapses, bladder incontinence, breast changes from nursing, C-section scars, completely body-altering things that oft times women are afraid to speak to doctors about, even husbands about, even other women about. They never give time to taking care of themselves because the children demand at least half their daily waking hours many days. (I call it kids gluing themselves to Mommy's butt) At which point suddenly you are asking a person who has given many years of attention to this little person (effectively subdivided MOM herself as a person among herself and each of her kids) to not be traumatized herself by all this subdivision and invisibleness. Even the best MOMS struggle with this. I dearly LOVE my kids. My own mother I hated until she got Alzheimer's and I became one of her caregivers. I look back now and realize her getting Alzheimer's TAUGHT ME how to be a Mom before I had my kids. My own MOM couldn't have taught me, because she was a mean spirited seemingly hateful Mom. She hated my Dad and told us kids she did. She spent most of my life telling me I should never have kids--that having kids had ruined her life. I found my own path to walk and I chose one directly opposite my Mom's. I would put right with my kids what had once went wrong in my childhood. Yet when she died I took time to write a eulogy because in BEING a Mom myself I had grown to understand MY MOM. Late in life she had a prolapsed uterus repaired. I've had one of my own that I suffered from torturously, embarrassingly, silently until I knew what it was. My own Mom wasn't as well educated as I am, couldn't Google something on the internet to figure it out, didn't have daytime talk shows addressing it. When I had my problems wrapped up inside my head I have yelled at my kids. I've been heck to live with. I've had days when I thought I would just go mad when reality hit me that I couldn't just stop at a quicky-mart for a quicky snack while driving because first I had to stop and unstrap 2 kids from complicated carseats, drag them--sometimes whining--into the store, take one or both to the potty as soon as we get in there, and then get my snack only to have to share it with 2 little moochers who then leave crumbs all over the back seat that I have to clean up. (Ever see a Mom devour an entire chocolate cake in secret? This is WHY!) We spend our lives giving bites to our kids, letting them sit on our laps, jumping every time we hear them cry for real, trying to figure out which way to go first if 2 kids cry from 2 different directions, waking as soon as they wake, not necessarily when the alarm goes off. MOM is a high-stress job. Find out if bomb techs and firefighters don't have bad habits/more prevalence toward mean/sharp behavior with their kids. Put it this way: take your very best friend in the whole wide world. Let's say he moves in with you and gives you one giant kick in the crotch that forever changes what you feel during sex. He never apologizes but you love him and forgive him anyway. Let's say for 6 years he gets all the attention from everybody over you. During that time YOU teach him everything he knows. And you respond to his every need--including wiping his butt and spooning food into his mouth. Then have him suddenly leave you and get a new job with lots of new friends, including new best friends. Then eventually have a time or 2 where he does something better than you can do it. And add a time or 2 where he tells you he hates you (I bet every kid on earth had said this once or twice to Mom) HOW DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD REACT? Unless you're a saint, you might feel some resentment, might feel shortchanged, might feel like a fool for giving him so much of your life, but you still love him deeply. I don't think it's the quality of the person becoming a parent, I think it's your level of understanding/empathizing with the person who is your parent and/or their own ability to adapt to their life situations. I think Angela and all her adult friends need to take a long hard look at their childhoods, NOTICE the sacrifices--big and small--their Moms have made, and go tell their Moms just how truly thankful they are. Or when Mom says, 'so what you're making good grades,' you turn around and say, 'I guess you raised me to be a smart kid, mom.' And then follow it up with noticing something that their MOM has done in life and complimenting it. So much of what Moms do goes totally unnoticed but is carrried silently within a Mom's heart to her death. Her reward is in heaven. Eeven if YOU didn't notice, I bet God did... [/QUOTE] |
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Originally Posted by ksatagaj
Is that why some mom's kill their children? How do you explain Sibyl's mom, Do you know about Genie? Coincidentally the fact that you believe your own opinion, and ideation to be more accurate that someone else's is evidence that you were raised in a nurturing caring home. Abuse causes problems with determining ones own opinion, esteem, and language. Maybe your mom did a better job than your teachers. I congratulate her. God did notice, that is why he states directly and frankly in the Bible, that one of the most horrible punishments is reserved for child abusers. You better call your mom, and apologize for being such a snitty little trouble maker. Bless her heart. |
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Originally Posted by Angela_A
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