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blacksentra · Dec 11, 2010, 08:51 AM

Threads merged, please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread.

So my ex broke up with me back in August. We went on and off until for a few months. During this time neither one of us was involved with others. However, in October during an argument I broke it off because I was getting tired of her not wanting a "true" relationship. I also told her I was going to begin dating other girls, which upset her. In early November she came back around wanting to make things work. But me, infatuated with all the new women I was meeting told her no I didn't think we were right for each other.

Well I've started to miss her again. During my time dating others I realized how much I love her. Last week I told her this and she said she wasn't ready for a relationship. She also said that when I told her I was dating others she began hanging out with guys (although she said they're just friends and she hasn't done anything physical with them). BUT even though during this conversation she said she doesn't want a relationship, she's open to repariring our friendship and seeing where things go from there.

She even asked to go out tomorrow (ice skating, dinner) and treat because my money is tight.

So I have three questions:
1. What do you guys think of her extending an offer for a date? I'm assuming she's more infatuated with the other guys she's seeing (hence, us not being together) but why would she offer to go out and pay? Do u think she still wants "us" to work and this is the first step to us getting back together?
2. I really want her back. But I realize this is probably going to be a SLOW process. How should I conduct myself tomorrow on our date and in future interactions to ensure this happens.
3. Im really bumbed out that she has other male friends now, and I feel like its my fault. She said she didn't consider talking to other guys until I did. Now she's open to other men. And to make matters worse, Im not even interested in the girls I was dating anymore. It just made me realize how much I love her. She said they're just friends and nothing physical has happened. She also said if anything did happen she would give me the decency to tell me. But I'm just so hurt. I know I dated other girls too but that's only because she didn't seem like she wanted me anymore, and I thought it was best I move on. How should I handle myself with this?

joypulv · Dec 11, 2010, 10:29 AM

I'm not a guy if by that you mean men...
She could be paying to keep totally free of obligation, and paying for you because she wants to skate and go to dinner. Don't read into stuff like that. Don't read into anything, tough as that may be (and easy for me to say).
You have no right to be bummed or hurt about much of anything now. You turned her down, remember?
You obviously have a lot of feelings for each other or you wouldn't be suffering through all this. All those other fish in the sea aren't so wonderful for either of you, I guess.
There's a delicate balance between taking it slow and letting your feelings be known. You can't wait for the other person to make ALL the moves.
How about something light and sweet?
Hire 4 guys to sing a little song about of all the fish in the sea, I hope she will swim back to me. Or sing it yourself and then laugh and say, I'm trying. Then tell her that every woman you dated couldn't compare to her. If she wants to know more, say oh no I don't ever say anything bad about a woman. Then tell her what is wonderful about HER.

Oh, and don't give us this money is tight when you are trying to win her back. She wants to pay tomorrow, so buy her flowers. You can never go wrong with flowers with any woman.

talaniman · Dec 11, 2010, 12:23 PM

So I have three questions:
1. What do you guys think of her extending an offer for a date? I'm assuming she's more infatuated with the other guys she's seeing (hence, us not being together) but why would she offer to go out and pay? Do u think she still wants "us" to work and this is the first step to us getting back together?

It's a friendship thing. And a way to keep you close, but not to close. I think she likes being single, and safe. She can still see you when she wants, you are available to her, and she doesn't have to be hampered by any titles, or commitments. She has the best of both worlds, and she can date others too. Actually if your head was on straight, and you had your feelings under better control, or had better coping skills you would see this, and know you had the same freedom to do your thing as she does.

2. I really want her back. But I realize this is probably going to be a SLOW process. How should I conduct myself tomorrow on our date and in future interactions to ensure this happens.

It's a date, her treat, and should have fun and make sure she does too!

3. Im really bummed out that she has other male friends now, and I feel like its my fault. She said she didn't consider talking to other guys until I did. Now she's open to other men. And to make matters worse, Im not even interested in the girls I was dating anymore. It just made me realize how much I love her. She said they're just friends and nothing physical has happened. She also said if anything did happen she would give me the decency to tell me. But I'm just so hurt. I know I dated other girls too but that's only because she didn't seem like she wanted me anymore, and I thought it was best I move on. How should I handle myself with this?

I think you need to realize where your head is and stop obsessing on this great love you think you have. Its your own feelings, be they fear of losing her to another, or insecurity that's makes you jealous and impulsive, that are making you assume and presume and act impulsively, and emotionally.

I have read your other posts, and see that you want what you want, a title that hooks you to her, and all the attention you can get from her. Its fairly obvious that being selfish has made you not pay attention to her and what she has been telling or showing you in the time you were together, or even now ignore what you are faced with because, in the name of love you are oblivious to anything but what you want, and that alone I think has stop you from communicating properly, both in expressing, or listening, and things have been reduced to arguing instead of resolving. She has her own faults in this disconnect that makes you two a bit incompatible also, and frankly maybe being apart and doing your own things without each other would be the wiser course for you both.

Right now, this push pull, passive aggressive encounter has you both growing apart, but unable to let go. The point is you both are wasting your time because you don't know how to talk and listen, and feelings are getting in the way of working together.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nk-533691.html

This thread was closed as even though it has more elaborate details is basically the same as your other two, and by rights should be/probably will be, merged together.

blacksentra · Dec 11, 2010, 01:32 PM

@Talaniman... you referred to my other posts in your answer. The question written back in August was composed by someone else. The two written today are by me and are totally independent of that one. Knowing this information, does your response to this post remain the same?

Assuming it does, have I really been that selfish? I never thought about it like that; but then again she did used to complain about me wanting too much... I'm willing to correct that behavior. What are some things I could do to better our communication and rebuild "close-ness" between us?

@joypulv... yes I did think about the possibility of getting her some flowers as a nice gesture,. but Im kind of hesitant to do so. Do you guys think getting her some flowers for this occasion may be a little "overkill"? I don't want to come of as weak and needy

talaniman · Dec 11, 2010, 06:10 PM

Lets be clear, I wasn't sure of the two being the same girl, and that's why they were not merged. But you can see how confusing that would be given someone posted under YOUR name, and that's against the rules. No I based my post on the two I read today, and the females were both similar But the original descriptions were different.

Having said all that, its been my experience that falling for females that were not all that committed to a full relationship made better friends, and hangout buddies than actual romantic partners. They were fun for a time but when it was off, it was way off, and as a rule, for me at least I kept my emotional distance, and accepted that fun was okay, but romance was not, and we got along great within those boundaries.

Yes I did have to deal with the twinges of jealousy (and disappointments that jealousy brings) when they did have other dates, and relationships, but it was all good because I wasn't so hooked that I made them a focal point, and kept other options, and opportunities to have fun, very much at a forefront. Like oh well, have something else going on to look forward to. I wasn't that stuck, or that hopeful things would work out or held out a lot of hope that it would get more serious than what it was. That's what I based my post on today, those experiences.

As for the selfish reference, its not uncommon in cases where we want what we want, but when we can't have it, the way we want it, we just want it more, despite all the red flags, and warning, we feed that false hope and spend a lot of emotion and brain power, analyzing every word, conniving every chance we can get, and plan, and dwell too much on getting them to give us something they are reluctant to, or unable, or unwilling to give us. We just can't let it go because we don't accept it. It's a real red flag that you find no joy and fun in dating others, even as friends, because you are too stuck on what YOU want.

Of course you can't see that because false hope has you in full pursuit, despite past experience with her, and the present situation. You can't be enjoying this, but are so unwilling to balance your life with other things, that you have become a willing option when she has time at the expense of other areas of your life you could be enjoying. That's not very healthy, or fun, and if you could see what you are doing to yourself you would surely be backing off big time, and pursuing other options that are available, and better for you. But you can't because, your stuck on what you want, and the rest of the world goes by.

You are the best candidate for absolutely NO CONTACT, that I have ever seen in a long time. It would benefit you greatly to see things from a perspective of being fully aware of your own actions, and the consequences of them. And save a lot of hurt feelings in the long run.

blacksentra · Dec 12, 2010, 10:14 PM

Well we went on the date. It was cool, a little awkward at first but we finally warmed up to each other.

I picked her up from campus at around 2. I tried to be a gentleman so I got the car door for her and gave her some flowers. She was appreciative but didn't seem very impressed. We went to a movie instead of skating. The car ride there, as well as our interactions within the theatre were kind of awkward and imbalanced. I felt like I had to carry the conversation to keep it going... after the movie we went to dinner. While there things seemed to flow a little better. She seemed more into the conversation and was easier to talk to. We joked around and teased each other, just like old times. I dropped her off back at campus at around 6. She said she had a good time and thanked me for my company. We then hugged and I saw her off. A couple of hours later I sent her a text saying it was a nice evening and I hope we can rebuild the friendship we once had, to which she responded "yea it was nice".

I kind of have mixed feelings after the date. On one hand, we did really have a good time towards the middle of the date. But I feel like I'm getting a little too excited. I def believe today was a lot more important to me, and she has more of a nonchalant attitude about everything - like whatever happens, happens.

To respond to talaniman... I don't want to play myself. I do think a little bit of no contact would be good to take my edge off and make me less emotional. I do want her back, but at this point I think my emotions contribute to the awkwardness between us and makes me less attractive... This is the last week of class before a 6 week long winter break. I might try to hang out with her a couple more times this week. If I don't see any progress, I'll put the ball in her court and try to do my own thing.

talaniman · Dec 13, 2010, 07:51 AM

You should be doing your thing regardless of any progress or not. Yes maybe your emotions make you expect more than your getting, or have gotten, so I doubt you are really capable of seeing progress objectively, but building a friendship with expectations of things going back to the way things were, is a disaster, because in real life, things never return to the way it was after reality has changed things. So again, yes, you set yourself up for failure.

Another thing, and probably the most important point, NO CONTACT is for healing, not getting an ex back, and as long as you want her back, NC will never work for you. You can't do them both, and you will be devastated if you try, so it calls for a choice, do one thing or the other, try to get her back, or heal, and move on.

I recommend healing, and NC!! Your choice though!

blacksentra · Dec 14, 2010, 11:14 AM

Talaniman... I agree with pretty much everything you're saying. I think no contact is the way to go.

Even though we had a good time last weekend, Ive come to the realization that seeing her and then going cold turkey is very tormenting. Since getting back in contact with her a couple of weeks ago, I've found myself constantly worrying about HER and what SHE'S doing, instead of ME. And I seriously doubt she's spending the same amount of time thinking about me.

I feel like a fool giving this woman so much attention when she walked out - if she wanted to be here, she would right?. So I'm going to try to stay away from her and find my own happiness. Thanks for your advice.

I'm going to keep you updated on what happens.

blacksentra · Dec 14, 2010, 04:21 PM

Hey, when I got home I checked my post and realized that the story that was posted last week has been merged with another story from August of this year. These two stories are independent of each other and shouldn't have been merged.

The above post by me is the most current posting for the most current story, which I need advice for.

talaniman · Dec 14, 2010, 06:05 PM

That's what happens when multiple posting under the same user name occur. By your admission some one else was using your account, and that lead to confusion. While it has been corrected for now, make no mistakes that your credibility is under review, just because the posts are so eerily similar. That why another editor merged them.

blacksentra · Dec 23, 2010, 09:22 AM

Hello again. Just wanted some more advice about my life post-breakup

For anyone who doesn't know my story, basically: my ex broke up with me in August. We went on and off until late November, early December. She ended things by telling me that she had began dating others and that I should do the same.

Well, I haven't heard from her in almost 2 weeks now. It's beginning to become apparent that she's moving on with her life.

However, back in October I befriended another girl at my university. It wasn't too serious at first, but as my breakup with my ex become more imminent, we got more intimate. We hang out about twice weekly and have had sex numerous times. While I'm with her the pain from my breakup goes away, if only temporarily. It's also nice to be able to have sex on a frequent basis again (prior dealing with her, I hadn't had sex since August, which was with my ex).

I have told the new girl that I am still not over my ex and she has been very supportive. I confide in her and she reminds me of why it didn't work out. She also said that she would like to maintain our current “friendship” and possibly start our own relationship in due time. Also, while dealing with the new girl I have come to the realization that she treats me much better and is way more compatible with me than my ex ever was. On paper, she is everything I have ever wanted from a girlfriend.

Now, here is where I need advice. I am nowhere near being over my ex, and I know this. However, I can honestly say that this new girl is almost perfect for me. I just wish I was over my ex and able to give her all the devotion that she deserves. BUT, I know that one day I will be over my ex, and the new girl would make a great girlfriend.

What should I do? This is obviously a “rebound” situation, but the new girl is aware of this. Also, as stated earlier, I like the idea of a relationship with her once I'm over my current situation. It's just that I always hear about how wrong it is to “rebound” to another person once you leave a relationship. How should I handle this?

crazychick56 · Dec 23, 2010, 09:45 AM

"However, I can honestly say that this new girl is almost perfect for me. I just wish I was over my ex and able to give her all the devotion that she deserves. BUT, I know that one day I will be over my ex, and the new girl would make a great gf."

I don't think you need much help. Looks like you have this question pretty under control, in your own words up above may I add, from what I can see. Obviously, especially since you realize it too, nothing is going to heal your last break-up but time. So, and if this girl is as perfect as you claim, she will respect that, which it's sounding like she is. So you shouldn't have much to worry about aside from the fact that you might not know how much time it could take to get over your ex. So, give it time, be thankful for a girl that is copeing with you and helping you get through things, and just live life like you think it's supposed to be lived.

kiera611 · Dec 23, 2010, 09:51 AM

Well,I'm sure u will

blacksentra · Dec 23, 2010, 10:25 AM

@crazychick... so you see nothing wrong with the situation I'm in? You don't consider me to be using the new girl? Just want some clarity.

@Kiera... I don't really understand what you are saying??

talaniman · Dec 23, 2010, 10:46 AM

Explain to me how today's young guys jump from one female to another, have sex, and think they are in love after a few months. I just don't get it!

Doesn't make sense since you think you are not over your ex, but screwing the lights out of a new girl, but know she is perfect?! ***!!

I suspect you would think any willing piece would be perfect for you given you inability to be able to sort out your own feelings and jump to conclusions so fast about your OWN feelings. How should you handle this? Stop assuming its love until the lust has worn off and enjoy friends with benefits until you know more about the person you are screwing. Personally, this is a good example of a young inexperienced guy mistaking lust for love, and can't see the brick wall yet, but trust me, you will, and you will see the little head got the big head in trouble yet again!

When we don't learn from past experiences, especially the mistakes, we repeat them until we do learn!!

blacksentra · Dec 23, 2010, 11:07 AM

Talaniman... I know its not love with the new girl. I am well aware of the fact that I am not yet over my ex, and that I am in no shape ready for another relationship or even able to have strong feelings for someone else.

When I said she was "perfect", I was making a figurative statement; not one that should be taken as strictly literal. What I meant was that in the few months we have been friends, I have seen qualities and values in her that I did not see with my ex (for example, both me and the new girl are "givers", while my ex was more of a "taker"). As a result, while looking at this situation in the most objective manner possible, I have begun to formulate the opinion that the new girl is MORE compatible with me than my ex ever was... However, I would agree that just because she is more compatible, it does not mean that she is right for me; and that I do need to take more time to get over my ex before drawing such conclusions.

Regardless, my reason for posting this question is to ensure that I am doing right by the new girl. I want to make sure I don't take her on an emotional roller coaster ride. And I also want to make sure that, if she is in fact a could partner for me, I give myself the best chance of entering a stable relationship with her once I am over the last one.

talaniman · Dec 23, 2010, 11:23 AM

You would be a great debater, but that's why I have to be blunt with you to know what you really mean when you post. Changes nothing I have written though, and your not the first guy that tries to get over an ex by having someone else under him, and its not strange at all to leave one, and find a better one. The shame would be finding out later the better one was no better than the other one, but whose to know.

You are still headed for a brick wall, and that's all you should be looking for while you are getting over one, and on another. Straight up.

blacksentra · Dec 23, 2010, 12:22 PM

@Talaniman:

Lol I'll take the debater comment as a compliment... however, I remember my ex not being very fond of my debating skills lol

But do you mind elaborating more on the "brick wall" that I will eventually run into? I am being sincere when I say I don't understand what you mean. I would also appreciate any additional guidance on this situation.

crazychick56 · Dec 23, 2010, 03:18 PM

QUOTE by blacksentra;
@crazychick... so you see nothing wrong with the situation I'm in? You don't consider me to be using the new girl? Just want some clarity.

I'm not saying I see anything wrong with the situation. What I am trying to get at is I think you could probably solve your own question if you wanted to, due to what has been said overall from your own words. I mean, you know your not over your ex. Good. And the rest you seem to understand just fine. While it seems sweet that this girl is "making you forget about you ex momentarily" it doesn't seem quite fair to use her though due to the fact you aren't over your ex. But it seems like you understand your problem, and if you can understand it, you can solve it.
I am really sorry if my last thread didn't quite make sense to you. I guess I should have dug a little deeper. :p
Love, Crazychick.

blacksentra · Dec 26, 2010, 02:43 AM

@ Talaniman... do you have anymore input for me? (see above posting)

Also, I have come to realize that when I enter a new response, this post doesn't "bump" up to the top of the relationship forum. Also, when you go through this entire posting, you can't see my most current question (about my rebound situation)... This all started when my threads were merged. I believe this is preventing anyone from seeing my postings and contributing input.

Thank you