[Emily94]

A little background:

My friend and I have been friends for quiet sometime, we have been together through thick and thin. When either of us had a problem we turned to each other and we got through it. When I was kicked out of my grandparents her and her parents took me in and made me feel like family. When I had my first break up and thought my life was over she helped me pick up the pieces and move forward. I love her with all my heart and don't want anything to happen to her.

Now the story:

She's had a hard life, but just lately her mom moved away (over 24 hour drive) and left her behind (it was sort of her choice since she has lived here 18 years and didn't want to leave the only thing she knew). She is now living with a mutual "friend" (now I use this term loosley). This "friend" just lost his girlfriend (she hung herself back in September) and has now resorted to drugs. Since everyone around her is doing drugs she is (cocaine, ecstacy, marijuana). I've been there, I messed up my life pretty bad doing drugs and don't want her to make the same
Mistake. I've tried talking to her about it, but she won't listen and keeps saying it's her life she'll do what she wants. She sleeps with guys she doesn't know, she goes days without eating or sleeping, and pops pills hourly. I want to help her, I don't know how! I invited her over one night and fed her (I told her if she didn't eat I wasn't giving her a smoke), we then went and laid down to watch a movie and she fell asleep. I left her alone and let her sleep. She slept for 23 hours without waking up.

I'm lost and confused and don't know how to help her! I'm scared
For her life and what she is doing.

[Fr_Chuck]

I wish I could say there is a magic way to help her but to be honest, no there is not. She will not listen, she will not change because she does not want to.

She preferred this life over staying with her mom and staying straight ( assuming she was before)
Often they will have to hit total bottom before they want to change, so the best thing you can do is be there for her if she wants help but not be around her doing the drugs, So she has a open door to come to you, but you don't get brought back into that life by being around her too much either.

[aimee_tt]

You can't make her stop unfortunately but you can tell her your door is always open.

You could try to find her new accommodation that she can get away from these people. But other than that there isn't much you can do till she ask for help.

I would suggest you tell her you will always be there for her but while she is on drugs you don't want to be around her as you don't want to get onto them again.

Maybe get her a packet of condoms as a parting gift. So she has less of a chance of getting an STI.

[Emily94]

I've offered my house, my sisters house, as well as
To help pay her rent if she got another house. She doesn't want to move because it is "easy" where she is living, free drugs and rent free.

[Fr_Chuck]

Well I guess "free" is a term, if you are somewhat obligated to be having sex with varoius other people, and owe them for the right to be used.

But that is the problem, people into stealing, drugs and more see the life as "easy" and don't want to have to put effort into getting things

[Jake2008]

What a sad story, and what a waste of a life. It is understandable why you would be concerned. Watching somebody self-destruct is a horribly helpless place to be for you.

One plus in all of this is that she still keeps some contact with you.

You have offered her help, particularly in moving from where she is, but that shouldn't be without some conditions in my opinion. She may need a temporary refuge for whatever reason (overdose, nowhere else to go (if she gets kicked out of where she is), illness, trouble with the law and resulting conditions to that (non association). You may find yourself in a position where, should she need to move from where she is, she will need you. But, the key here is, need vs. want.

If it happens where she is forced to make changes for any of the above reasons, that may be an opportunity for you to offer help and support. For example, let her stay with you, but rehab is a condition, along with a complete physical, and continued counselling. Thinking along those lines, particularly when she has no immediate alternatives, may allow for some headway.

Let her know that if she makes a choice to show up at your doorstep, that will include the choice to get help. It isn't okay to show up for a meal a hot shower, and a clean place to crash for the night, only to return to her own home and carry on the destructive lifestyle she has chosen. It is a fine line between enabling her behaviour by propping her up now and then, and not enabling her behaviour by having some expectations when she does contact you.

By the sounds of things, talking is not enough, and your good intent and sincere concern is obvious, try to establish some boundaries between you. Particularly because you have been involved with drugs yourself. You know the lifestyle, the destructiveness of it, and understand only too well where she is mentally right now. All the good intent, kind words, supportive gestures, talks, and guidance, are not enough.

She is not in this situation because of the friends she ended up with as you suggested. The responsibility for where she is, what she's doing, and who she has become, is only on her shoulders, and no one else's. The circumstances as to how she came to be where she is, and why she chose to accept them, and why she has decided to live her life the way she is, belong only to her.

When you do meet up with her the next time, meet in a neutral place, outside your home. A coffee shop, library. Try to see her beyond her being your friend who you care deeply about, and instead focus on what she is saying. Try not to offer a soft shoulder and a sympathetic ear, but rather try to steer the conversation around what she is going to do about the problems she has- on her own. Be careful that she doesn't give you what she knows you want to hear, but find the sincerity in her words, and meaning in her actions to back up what she is saying.

As hard as it is, you can be there for her, and help her, but only when she has decided to help herself. I am not saying to sever ties. I'm saying keep a clear lifeline with her, and establish that boundary that says, when you start walking the walk, and show me that you are helping yourself, I'll do all I can but until then, I will no longer be drawn into your never ending destruction.

In counselling, when dealing with similar situations, keeping your emotional distance is the only way to be, and stay objective, and to help appropriately. If you cannot get a firm grip on that, you are short changing the person you are trying to help. Sympathy is a dangerous emotion, when dealing with someone who needs far more.

One other thing I thought of, is when you do meet with her the next time, have information to pass on. Just information, nothing else. Phamplets, copies of web pages from research you have done perhaps, and/or phone numbers of emergency numbers to shelters, women's outreach programs, crisis lines, etc. Think of it as planting seeds.

Until she turns the corner from using, to wanting to change, my opinion is the best thing you can do for her, is to let her know you'll always be there, but you will not enable her by bailing her out, knowing she is going to return to the same place.

[Emily94]

She won't talk to me at the moment because I talked to her about it... I told her my story and where it got me, and how I over came
It, I suggested for her to move out and get some help, I told her I loved her but I couldn't be around all this anymore, and that I was tired of
Stressing over whether she was dead or alive, if she was fed, if she had a place to go, and said that I'd be there when she needed it. She doesn't understand the damage all this is doing, physically or mentally, to herself and others who truly care about her.

I don't know, but should I contact her mom, she may be able to get through to her..

[Jake2008]

Emily, I would contact her mother. Many may say it isn't a good idea, but, considering that your friend's mother just may be able to help in some way, it is worth a shot.

You never know. Maybe your friend is too ashamed, or afraid to call her, or maybe is just presuming her mother may not want to be in contact with her. I think that there are more plusses, than minuses. You really have nothing to lose, and possibly something to gain by talking to her mom.

I know I would want to know if it were my daughter or son. Absolutely.

I would only suggest that you tell her enough so that she knows she needs help, but not enough so that she feels overwhelmed and helpless.

Please keep posting as things happen. For both your friend, and you.

[Emily94]

Thank you Jake, I'll talk to her mom tomorrow and tell her a little bit, I think she will be able to do something. I'll definantly keep you updated.

[Jake2008]

Thanks, and good luck.