[djbowens]

My sister, Liz, has recently entered into a new relationship and I believe that it is changing her for the worse, but I don't know what to do about it.
Here's a little background on the situation:
I am 23 and my sister is 31; technically, she's my half-sister (my mother had her in a previous marriage and married my father when Liz was 2). Liz had my niece, Makenzie (14), when she was 17, and my nephew, Keenan (8), when she was 23. When she was about 25-26, Liz started dating a girl named Amy. Amy was the first female my sister had ever been with so the relationship took a little getting used to, but in time Amy became part of the family. She helped raise my sister's children and worked to support the family so that my sister could return to college and get her degree. About two years in to the relationship our mother died. The way Amy acted during this time really upset my sister (Amy would get upset that Liz would spend time with me and our brother instead of hanging out with her; Amy would get really jealous and sometimes act immature, etc.) This behavior put a strain on their relationship and is something that Liz could never forgive Amy for, but they continued dating. A year after our mother passed, Keenan, my nephew was in a car accident. He was with his father and their car was hit by an SUV during a storm. It was a miracle that he survived, although he is now mentally and physically disabled because of a brain injury sustained during the accident. This event seemed to bring Amy and Liz even closer, and in January 2010 Amy proposed to Liz and she accepted.
In August of this year, Amy was out of town and Liz went out to a club with a friend. There she met a girl, M, with whom there was a mutual attraction. They hung out that night, but supposedly nothing happened. The next night, Liz and her friend went out to the same club. Liz ran into M and they ended up leaving together. That night, Liz cheated on Amy with M. Two days later, Liz broke up with Amy using the excuse that she wanted to "find herself," saying that she felt like she didn't know who she was anymore since the last five years of her life were spent with Amy. She did not tell Amy that she cheated on her and M had no idea that Liz had a girlfriend when they met. Liz agreed to be friends with Amy since they had been through so much together and Liz also agreed to let Amy spend time with the children since she basically been a parent to them for the last 5 years. Things seemed to be amicable between them at first; Amy owned the house they lived in and moved out for a few weeks so that Liz and the kids could have some space until Liz found them a new place to live. During this time, Liz started spending more and more time with M, even having her over to Amy's home to meet Liz's children. When they moved into their new home, M helped them move and basically moved in with them. This created many issues in the family. Amy was upset that Liz had moved on so quickly, Makenzie was upset that Liz was spending all of her time with M instead if spending time with her and her brother, and I was upset because I was friends with Amy and Liz started telling me that she didn't want me to hang out with Amy anymore. So to avoid creating an issue, I have since had to hide my friendship with Amy in order to not piss off my sister.
Ever since M and Liz started spending more time together, they have argued and broken up a million times. Every time Liz asks me for advice, I tell her to just let M go and focus on herself and her children. She always agrees, but she never follows my advice. M seems to be very jealous because she and my sister tend to argue whenever Amy's name is brought up. For example, one night my nephew, Keenan, started crying because he missed Amy and M got mad at Liz over this. My sister has not let Amy visit with the kids since they broke up because M would get mad. Liz makes excuses like "I don't want to confuse the kids since we're not together anymore," but deep down I know it's only because she doesn't want to start a fight with her new girlfriend. Also, one day she will tell Amy that she wants to be friends with her, but the next day she tells Amy not to text her or call her because it will cause problems. I feel very bad for Amy because of the way my sister is treating her. Any time M and Liz fight, Liz will run to Amy and say that she wants to be her friend, but whenever things are going well between her and M, she will tell Amy that she doesn't want a friendship with her and that Amy just needs to move on. Amy is actually trying to move on, she's even going to therapy to help get her through this, but my sister took some of Amy's things from her house when she moved out. She also left items at Amy's house that she needs to get back from Amy, but she only wants to do things on her terms and has no respect for Amy and her wishes. I feel like she's holding on to Amy's things as a way for her to have some control over Amy since they're not together anymore.
Although I do feel bad for Amy, I am starting to get fed up with my sister as well. Since she's been seeing M, I have barely seen her. I have spent far less time with my niece and nephew than ever before and I believe it is because M is always at Liz's house. One of the few times I have gone to my sister's new house, M ended up leaving before I arrived because she got upset that I was coming over. I feel like I'm unwelcome in my sister's home and it's only because of M. The only time I hear from Liz anymore is when she needs me to help her out in some way or another. A couple of weekends ago, my dad came to town for a visit (he lives 8 hours away and only visits once every two or three months) and my sister barely made an effort to see him. Even though she has a different father, my dad always treated her like his own and has done more for her than her real father ever has (for example, my dad recently gave my sister over $1,500 to help her pay off some hospital bills - her dad only gave her $150). It really hurt me that she didn't try to spend any time with him because she was busy hanging out with her new girlfriend. And when she did finally make an appearance (she came to lunch with me and my dad right before he left to go home after he had been in town for 5 days), she told me that M had gotten mad at her for coming to lunch. The day after my dad left town, my sister asked me if I thought my dad would pay for her to get an oil change and it really pissed me off because when he came in town he was helping my brother and I fix our cars (changing oil, bought new tires, fixing breaks, etc) and I wanted to tell her that if she had come around while he was here then I'm sure he would have helped her out too, but since she made no effort to see him, I didn't think it was fair for her to ask him to pay for that, but I just shrugged my shoulders and said I'd have to ask. Not to mention, she wouldn't even ask him herself, but she wanted me to ask him. So, needless to say, I don't like the way my sister has been acting since she's been seeing this new girl. Last week they broke up again and when Liz asked me for advice, I told her that they needed to part ways because the supposed reason she broke up with Amy was so that she could "find herself" and honestly her head is shoved so far up M's *** that she's lost track of what she was trying to accomplish in the first place. She also complains that my niece is a brat to M and that the majority of Liz and M's issues stem from my niece. Well my niece has made it very clear that she does not like M, or the way that M treats Liz, and so I reminded my sister that ALL of her and her daughter's problems are rooted in her relationship with M, so which is more important? My sister always agrees with me when I tell her I think that the relationship is unhealthy, but she never does anything about it.
I don't think that my sister is thinking about how this relationship is affecting her children or her relationship with me. She doesn't even talk to her friends anymore and gets upset when she hears that her friends have been talking to her ex, Amy, but I think it's because Liz has basically stopped calling all of her friends ever since she's been with M. I think my sister has been extremely selfish throughout this whole ordeal. I don't agree with the way she is treating Amy, I think that she should let the kids visit Amy as long as they want to, and I think that M is just a rebound that my sister can't seem to let go. I've grown tired of listening to her complain every time that her and M break up and I'm annoyed that if she's not calling me about M then she's only calling because she needs me to help her with something. I love my sister, but I think she's making a huge mistake by continuing to hold on to this relationship. I don't think it's setting a good example for her children and I honestly don't think she's thinking about the best interests of her kids either. I've already tried telling her to break up with M, but that never works. How do I make her see that this girl has done nothing but bring drama into her life? I worry about my niece and my nephew and I feel awful for the way that Liz is treating her ex when she doesn't even know the truth behind why Liz broke up with her. I love my sister, but I'm worried that this girl is dragging her down. She's losing her friends, she's falling behind in her classes, and her kids are acting out. M is 27, is supposedly in college, has no job, no car, and an apartment that she never stays in. I don't see the appeal that my sister does, all I see are the negatives of this relationship. Can someone please help me figure out what to say or how to get my sister to open her eyes and realize what she's doing to her life?

[cdad]

Tell her kids your door is always open and your only a phone call away. And tell your sister to call you when she has found herself. Your tired of the journey and want to engauge in the real world.

[Jake2008]

I feel badly for Amy and the children too. If nothing else, she has been a constant, loving parent to your sisters' children. It is indeed selfish to deny her access to them, especially when they want to spend time with her, but obviously, it is to continue to keep M a secret. It is almost as though your sister is keeping both women on the hook, and doesn't want to totally lose either of them.

I think you are doing the right thing by your sister, and that is, being consistent. You are giving her good advice, and most likely she will come to appreciate that at some point. That point may be sooner rather than later, as it is hard to sustain an abusive, controlling relationship, which sounds like what she is in right now.

What I wouldn't do, is enable her in any way. For example, if she wanted her father to help out with a car repair, she should make her own arranements with him. That is between the two of them. I would also not be so quick to be helping her out all the time. When you do visit with your niece and nephew, why not take them out for the afternoon, or for the day. That way, without saying anything, you are sending a message that you are not comfortable with M.

Your niece in particular, is at an age where she needs all the parenting and parental involvement she can get. I don't understand why M has to be kept a secret, because in doing so, your sister is really robbing her children of her family, and that includes Amy. Your nephew too, should not have to have these wedges in relationships that to him, have lasted most of his life.

I can also see where you don't want to rock the boat, and I admire you for not telling Amy the real truth of their breakup. I do think she will eventually figure it out, if she doesn't already have her suspicions, but, it is not your place to force the truth into the open.

Until your sister is able to put all the cards on the table, and realize that so doing is in the best interests of her children, I can't see where you can do much more than what you already have. You sound so loyal to me, she is lucky you are there for her no matter what. I would think that Amy, after five years with your sister, and the kids, that regardless of how the split happened, that she has moved on sufficiently herself, that the truth would not preclude her from continuing a solid relationship with the children.

I do think that time and patience are on your side. And although it's easy to see why you are so frustrated, you have done, and continue to do what is appropriate under the circumstances.

[djbowens]

Thank you so much for your input, Jake. I appreciate the kind words. However, after I read your post and re-read mine, I realize I didn't make it clear that Amy does know about M. She does not know the truth about Liz's cheating, but she does know that they're together and that they've been together basically since Amy and Liz broke up. I'm sure she suspects that Liz cheated, but I would never tell her that. I just feel bad for Amy in general. I know I can't force my sister to love her, but Amy did a lot for her and those kids and I don't understand how it's so easy for Liz to forget that and at least let the kids visit her. I know that they want to and I just wish my sister could see how selfish she's being.

[dontknownuthin]

I have a sister with whom I'm very close as well, and who drives me nuts at times. At times I've tried to give her advice because her choices, particularly in intimate relationships, have not been choices I would make and have at times been utter disasters. She has resented my "interference". We still have some issues but one thing that has worked is that I try to be her friend instead of her sister in these instances and talk to her as I would a close friend. INstead of telling her what to do or not to do, I try to see her point of view andf ask her how she feels about things.

For example, "you've had some really tough years - how are you feeling about everything with losing mom, and your son's accident and all the upheaval in your love life? Are your needs being met?" If she sees you as trying to understand her life instead of trying to run it or change it, she might become able to listen to you more over time, and may even come to some of your conclusions on her own just talking through things with someone she can trust to listen.

I think you have to bite your tongue for quite a while but a door will open at some point where you can confront a little piece at a time with her. It might just be, "what do you think I could do so that your girlfriend would not be so uncomfortable with me coming over...I don't want you to be stuck in the middle".