[JD594]

So here it goes: My girlfriend of a year and a half recently told me that she needs time to think. Basically, both of us are finishing up our senior year and there's a lot of tough decisions to make: where to work? should I do grad school? She said she needs to be alone because being with me limits her options, and if she were with me, she would want to plan around me. Also, she said this: "I've had a feeling for a while that our relationship was going to end." She said she doesn't know where this thought came from, and she wish she could git of rid of it. In the end, she said she needs to take time to think about things. She doesn't want a break; she wants to be alone and not in a relationship.

Now I know this all sounds bad, but I do know this: she still loves me. She said that I've been the best part of her life, and also that I've been more than anything she could've asked for. She said that I've made her so happy. She really does care about me, and everything she said was genuine. We were both very supportive to each other, and we both broke down crying together. We both love each other very much. Though she doesn't want to be in a relationship, she said she can't see her life without me. She said after some time goes by, maybe she'll realize she made a mistake and ask for me back. I said I'd take her back, but I'm not going to live my life waiting for her.

At first, I asked her to take me back, but the next day I told her that I supported her decision and that I thought taking time apart was the best idea (even though I didn't think that at the time.) It's been a week since I've started "no contact". I've been working on things I want to change, and I feel like I'll soon become a better person. I was wondering how long I should remain in no contact. Some people have said a couple of weeks, while others have said a month or two.

So that's the dilemma, and if you've read up to this far, I would like to thank you for taking the time to listen to me. I'm looking for anything to get her back, so if you have any advice, comments, or anything please post them.

[DoulaLC]

If you think things may come back around with her at a later time, leave it for her to contact you. She has said she doesn't want to be in a relationship, so give her that time and space. It sounds like she has given it some thought and moved on already.

You may love each other and have supported each other, but there are times where a relationship serves its purpose for that time in your life and then people move on.

There is no way to know what may happen in a month, in six months, in a year. Either one of you, or both of you, may have met other people and started new relationships. She may contact you later at some point.

What you do know is that you can't make someone feel what they don't feel. Either she wants to be in a relationship right now or she doesn't... and she has already made that clear.

[DoulaLC]

watch out for the people that tell you that nc is forever. they dont know what they are talking about. nc is for the weak that need time to heal. i say, work overtime to find a new date, and make your ex jealous quick. you don't have time to waste.

He shouldn't play games. And what about the poor girl he "works overtime" to start dating just to make his ex jealous?

There is nothing wrong with needing time to heal after a break-up. It is a healthy decision that can allow someone to be able to move onto a mature relationship later. What is wrong is using other people for your own selfishness to get back at someone and jumping into another relationship for the wrong reasons.

[talaniman]

Stay NC until you have rebuilt a life that makes you happy, without her in it. With friends, and activities that you enjoy as you get your own career together.

[Larken85]

Maybe this is not what you want to hear but I am going to give this my best shot. After reading your post I have came to this conclusion. She (at the moment) has chose to exclude you from her future and has instead focused totally on her career. I couldn't blame her for that and it sounds like you are very supportive too. My only concern about this is, you are going to make this very hard on her. By endulging her when she is weak for you (going over there for the night) you are hurting her mental state. It is hard on people to go back and forth like that and it is just not good for anyone involved. More over it sounds to me like she is ready to call it quits and she is really really afraid to hurt your feelings as she does not hate you unlike in a lot of other break ups. Being friends is not the worlds best idea at first after the break up, it is just too hard to do with a fresh wound. After time a friendship could become a possible thing but at the moment I suggest not doing that. Leave things on a friendly base and come back to that after you are both healed.

On a personal note, I think that she is being a little selfish but I do completely understand how she feels. It really sucks to know you will be held back from a life long goal if you stay the way you are. But on the other hand I know what it is like to give up one's dream for another and if I had the chance to do it over, I doubt I would change much about my personal choices.

Really it comes down to her. If she will give up her dreams for you or not. If you are willing to do whatever it takes to help her in her quest or not. If she is willing to let you or not. We cannot win people, we cannot make people see things that they just can't, and we cannot make someone feel something that is just not realistic. I think she is looking for you to stand tall and give her the space she needs. But do not let her grow weak either.

My ultimate advice here is... If you truly love her, you need to assist her in her ventures any way possible. Even if that means fading out of the picture completely. It sucks for you, but she deserves to get everything that she has worked so hard to get. Do your best to not stand in her way. If you do stand in the way, it will drive her away faster and she probably will never come back after that pressure.

Take time to heal before you move on if a break up is the outcome. Things will work out for you, one way or another. I am sorry this is happening, but over time people grow apart and their dreams change. Take care.

[joypulv]

What is happening with each of your career/school decisions? Can you sit down and actually plot the options of where you want to go and whether there is any way to do it together? Some grad students manage it, others can't, others are able to maintain long distance relationships.
As you try out some scenarios you may get a better feel for which is more important to you - staying together or the next step in your own lives.
I realize that she is the one who wants to break off, so this is just a nuts and bolts idea to suggest to her during all her confusion.

[talaniman]

First of all guy, copying, and pasting, and reposting the same question again is not honest, nor productive, and updating your original post saves us all some confusion. If its different answers you seek, then you have to present different facts, but your threads were merged being exactly the same, and the post was edited. Offer some feedback, thoughts, or expressions bring more than just duplicating the same post

As to your dilemma, No way can you be a good supportive friend, when the wounds are so fresh, and your main goal is to convince her to go back to the way things were. You are a lousy friend under those circumstances, and the best thing you can do is bow out gracefully, and keep your dignity, and self respect, because NO DOUBT whatsoever your attempts will poison your friendship, and push her away, and you both will be miserable, and resentful of each other.

It sucks to break up, but you have to see that staying close to her now with false hope, while she is adamant not to have a romantic connection to you, leads you down a very humiliating path, and stops you from getting over the shock of the break up, and stops your healing while she slowly weans herself off your influence. She is alone, and needs a friend, but not you because she will never miss you because you are still there, and available, and that my friend is what trips us all up.

We waste a lot of time and energy, not to mention dignity, prolonging the agony, instead of dealing with our hurt egos, and the disappointment that hurt and rejections bring. You have made having her more important than taking care of yourself, and your business, and that's not healthy, nor fair, and you better put YOU first, and respect her wishes by disappearing from her life, and letting your emotional dust settle so you can think and make decisions with facts and not just hurt, desperate feelings.

Otherwise she has you on her own terms, and the hell with what you want. And that having her cake and eating it to. So how is that fair to you? Its NOT, and you have to have a lot of time to adjust to being demoted from official couple to friends, and that won't happen while you are still in contact with her, whether she initiates it or not. Its you that suffers while she heals, gets over you, and finds other interest to take up her time.

That's why you disappear when you get dumped to avoid the humiliation of false hope, and begging and you get to control your own terms of your healing.

[JD594]

An update for the original question that wasn't shown after it was merged: After a week of "no contact" she texted me and we ended up going to go grab some coffee. We talked for a while and we joked about things, and she said she could see me changing for the better. So we kept talking and texting for the next few days, and she said she wanted me to come over one night, and I did. The next day she told me she was really confused about things, and we talked for a long time. Basically, she said she needed more time apart and needed to think more about things. I told her I would give her time and space and that I would be there to support her.

talaniman: I'm new to the help desk, so I wasn't sure about the right way to get more feedback.

Thanks everyone for your feedback. Thanks Larken85 and talaniman for posting. There was a lot of good information and advice that will help me move forward. I'm going to try to do my best and be completely out of her life for now, until she contacts me. I'm going to take time to heal and take time to work on myself.

I really want to be there for her in the future, but only after both of us are healed up from this breakup. I'm still hurting, and her telling me we need more time apart reopened some wounds. I really need some hope that she's not completely out of my life in the future. Does anyone have any good experiences after a breakup? Things you've learned that may help me out. Stories about reconnecting with an ex or finding someone else.

[talaniman]

Once you have healed, and rebuilt a life that you enjoy without her, not only will you be able to see better options and opportunities for fun, happiness, and even romance, and personal growth, but you will be free to pursue it.

Most people after a proper healing, are no longer hung up on the past, and are to busy having a great life, they don't even consider looking back. Just from my own experience, I became extremely grateful for the exes dumping me, because eventually I met my now wife of more than 30 years, and am totally happy with just the memories of the past, the reality of the present, and the promise of an even better future.

So shall you, with a proper healing. You will be a different person soon enough, now let go and get busy. If she calls, be unavailable and busy. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but familiarity breeds contempt.

[JD594]

Thanks talaniman. It feels good to hear happy stories of people together. It's good to hear from someone who can look back and be happy with everything. You have such a good outlook on life, and I know that I'll be able to get there soon. So talaniman, I want to keep writing and updating people on my situation, so should I just keep answering this question or should I do something else. And are there ways to get more feedback and answers from others? You've been a big help, so from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.

And to anyone else: Do you have any good experiences after a breakup? Things you've learned that may help me out. Stories about reconnecting with an ex or finding someone else. I would really appreciate it.

[talaniman]

The more input from you, and questions the more feedback you get here, and you can browse the forum and answer questions, and learn from what others have said. I think an awful lot of your questions will be answered that way. Also if you go to some of the stories by other you can get a lot of insight into your own situation. Have you read the stickies? Great read.

[JD594]

For an update, I feel a little better. It's been 3 weeks so far since the initial breakup. It's been 2 days since I've started "no contact", again. I feel like my mind is getting clearer, or at least back to the point before the first "no contact" week ended. I can see the relationship we had from a different perspective, and not clouded by love. It wasn't clear then, but I can see that I unknowingly pressured her into thinking about us for the long haul, when she wasn't ready for it. And quite frankly, I don't think I was ready for it. I was pretty naïve. I think this happened because I didn't communicate with her about everything, and we weren't on the same page.

I want her to know so bad that I realize these things now, and I realize I know what she needs. I know she needs time and space right now, so I'll give it to her. Maybe in a month when my mind is clear, when the emotional dust settles, I can talk to her again. Not talk to her about the breakup or the past, but talk about fun things. I'll play it by ear. Maybe by that time, I will have moved on to a different place... who knows.

[JD594]

Right now, even though it is probably bad for me, I still have a little glimmer of hope for us. But before you shoot me down, let me explain... The relationship I had wasn't broken up because either of us did anything bad. We had many good foundations for a good relationship. We both worked to make each other happy, we both were trustworthy and honest people, and we had good communication (for the most part). She can see me changing for the better, and I will continue to do so. I can see myself and I know I need to change. It's funny how someone can learn so much about themselves in times of pain, if they really try and do so. Now, I'm going to work on myself, I'm going to become the man she once loved and even better. When I get there, maybe she'll see it, maybe not. But I know if she doesn't, someone else see me for who I am, and I know I can move on. Hopefully I can see a positive change in her, as well. I WILL give her time and space to think about everything. I now understand what she's going through.

The one thing I tell myself that helps me progress through the day is that I know God has a plan. This breakup has been and will continue to be a big learning lesson, and when I find the right person, whoever that may be, I will be able to become a better man than I once was. I will be able to give my heart once more.

[JD594]

So yesterday, I deactivated my Facebook account. I wanted to not be distracted by anything and I wanted to move forward and make progress on getting myself to where I want to be. This morning, I was getting ready for classes. I always turn my computer and listen to music and check the weather on my igoogle account. I noticed she was still one of my contacts on igoogle, and she happened to be on at the same time (she uses it way more than I do). Anyway, it made me think about her a lot, but I didn't have this huge urge to talk to her. Or IM her. I just went along my morning routine. After about 10 minutes. I saw she had IM'ed me. It said:

Her: You deactivated your Facebook account. Not like you don't have a right to... I just noticed is all. I'll leave you alone. Sorry for
messaging you.
Me: It's OK. I'm just taking time to really think about myself.
Her: That's smart. I'll let you go. Bye
Me: later.

I wasn't going to reply at first. But I didn't want her to think I was ignoring her messages. I am not going to be the one who reaches out, but if she does, I believe she still deserves a reply from me. Am I doing the right thing?

[talaniman]

Absolutely, as part of moving on is being polite, short, and unavailable as you cut all your ties, and attachments to her, so old memories, and feelings can fade, and make room for new ones. It's a long tedious process and will take patience on your part, but so far, so good.

[DoulaLC]

Sounds like you are on the right track JD... :) As talaniman said, keep it short and polite when/if you feel the desire to respond.
Break-ups are hard, they take time to get over, but they can serve a useful purpose when you use the experience to reflect and learn from it... as you are seeing for yourself.

Not only do you learn about other people, you learn about yourself and how you might react or behave differently in any future relationship.

[JD594]

HELP!! I hope someone reads this and replies soon.

So my ex just texted me. Here is our conversation:

Her: Would you be willing to meet up with me tomorrow to talk? I understand if you don't want to. No pressure.
Me: I'm really busy tomorrow.
Her: I don't want to take up your only free time. I have some things I want to say, and I don't want to distract you if you're busy. If you free up at all tomorrow night, and you want to talk, please let me know.
Me: I'll call if I'm free.

I feel like I owe her this talk. She met up with me when I needed to say something to her, so I think she deserves the same. I feel strong though. And no matter what she says, I'll stand tall. I'm not hoping for anything, and preparing for the worst... Which, when I think about it, cannot be too bad... What is she going to do? Break up with me again? I'm already progressing myself, and I like where I'm going, whether it is with her or without her.

So does anyone have any input about this? Why would she want to meet up? What does she have to say? What does it mean? Am I doing the right thing? What should I do?

[talaniman]

Sorry guy, I can't answer any of your questions because I don't know her. I only know what you have written, what you have been dealing with, and her reaction to you going NC and starting, just starting to get over your shock, and dealing with reality.

I feel like I owe her this talk. She met up with me when I needed to say something to her, so I think she deserves the same. I feel strong though. And no matter what she says, I'll stand tall. I'm not hoping for anything, and preparing for the worst... Which, when I think about it, cannot be too bad... What is she going to do? Break up with me again? I'm already progressing myself, and I like where I'm going, whether it is with her or without her.

Funny once you start pulling away, and deal with your own dignity, now she wants to TALK?? If you were clear headed, and healed you would have asked her TALK ABOUT WHAT?

So here we are a few weeks after this break up, and she wants to talk, honestly, I would be curious. But seriously, NAW, I wouldn't talk to her. WHY?? What would it matter? It may satisfy your curiosity, but all she wants is to see why your not begging her to come back, or she can't keep you in her life as her emotional tampon. I mean how dare you cut all contact, and she can't see what your doing through the social network page. SHE IS CURIOUS, AND GUILTY. And alone would be my guess, and just seeing her will draw you back, and settle for being friends, until she can get another interest in her life.

But I don't know that for sure, but have seen it happen many times before to me, and others. If you have browsed a few stories, so have you. So don't be fooled at all, and there are far worse things than getting dumped, friend zone is far worse. Being distracted from your mission to heal, is far, far worse, even though you feel strong now. Which is a LIE!! Re read today's posts that YOU wrote.

Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

Talaniman Rule- When you break up, have the courtesy to revoke their relationship privileges.

Talaniman Rules- when you get dumped, don't go back to get dumped again

Talaniman Rule- When they need space, give it to them, and disappear from their lives. This allows you to heal.

Talaniman Rule- Never allow an ex to make rules for what you do.

Talaniman Rule- If one person isn't available, there are millions that are. Don't get stuck on one who is BUSY with other things.

Talaniman Rule - Don't miss other opportunities and options because your stuck on someone who is not as stuck on you, that’s just plain crazy.

Talaniman Rule- Be honest with yourself, and be honest with others.

Talaniman Rule- Don't play games with your heart, and don't let somebody else play games with it either.

Talaniman Rule- Don't get sucked in the confusion of being friends, at the expense of your healing

Talaniman Rule-If you can't handle the consequences, don't do the action.

Don't get excited, think first, you screwed yourself by answering her text, and not getting to the point by asking a simple question. Now the curiosity, and false hope and lying to yourself will lead you back down a slippery slope.

She doesn't want a break; she wants to be alone and not in a relationship.

But she wants a friend, and NC has her feeling alone, and rejected. With you as a friend, she will have what she wants. But this is your decision, your choice. Just be honest with yourself, because just me, I would have deleted her text from the get go, because I couldn't handle what ever she had to text about. It would have made no difference, but its your choice to make.

[friend4u178]

Comments on this post
ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.

Read what Tal says and then read it again , because this is exactly what she's thinking.

Amazing how powerful NC is , and how they feel they have lost their hold on you when you stop grovelling at their feet.

She wanted a break , give it to her.

You don't owe her anything but feel you do just so you can hold onto that small glimmer of hope that you trick yourself into thinking you don't have.

[JD594]

So another update. I did give her my time. I told her I'd call her when I was free, and we met up and sat in my car and talked. She basically said she was confused, she missed me, and she was miserable. Then she said that something her dad had told her really made her think. Everyone around her said she would be okay with time, that she needs to think about the future, that it was the right thing, etc. Her dad asked her if she was happy. She said no. Her dad asked if I made her happy. She said yes. Her dad asked her if she would be happy if she was with me. She said yes. Then he told her to think about what she said. He said she's really young, and the future was hers, and that she needs to do what makes her happy. We talked for quite a while. We talked about us. We talked about what happened, both with mindful and attentive minds. We talked about what we're looking for in a relationship. We truly communicated with each other, which was the problem we both noticed about us. We both have learned a lot during our time apart, and we both learned where each one were at fault.

So in the end, she said she wants to get back together and give us another shot. We talked and laughed and hugged and kissed. We decided to be more mindful of each other, and we decided to keep working on our relationship. Everything looks good, so far. Everything feels right.

So to everyone out there reading, I don't want to give any false hopes. Every relationship is different, every relationship has a different dynamic. I just wanted to thank everyone who replied, everyone who read what I was going through, and everyone on this website. There was so much good information that really helped me grow and that helped pick me up when I was down. Thanks.

God has a plan for everything. This breakup was one big lesson to learn so I can become the best I can be.