[sunset91289]

I'm in college and I met a guy at an outdoor concert. We had a good time together and he wanted to hook up after the concert but I wasn't comfortable with that. About a week later I invited him to watch a movie together and we ended up hooking up then. This was right before leaving for summer. We managed to talk a little bit over the summer but nothing much.
Then when school started we met up a couple times. The first time it was with my friends and we just got to know each other. The next time we went to see a movie and hooked up afterwards. Not wanting to stop kissing him, I let it go further than I had really wanted it to. Although I don't regret how far I went, this complicated the matter. We ended up going to see another movie together. During the movie I reached for his hand and we held hands for a while and then he put his arm around me. He walked me home and I invited him in. I planned to tell him I wanted to take things slow. He actually was the one to say he realized I wanted something more than just physical and was willing to wait until I was ready to have sex. I agreed but was surprised by what he said and thus didn't say anything more. We ended up making out on the couch and things once again went further than planned.
I cooked dinner one night and invited him over. This was meant to be something casual but turned out much more formal. Once again I planned on telling him my feelings and that I really did want to slow things down but that didn't happen. He assumed I just wanted a hookup and I didn't stop him. The next day I was going to a movie with some friends and invited him along thinking this was a good way to get to know him better while around others. I wanted him to hold my hand during the movie--it is dark!-- but he didn't. Afterwards, we split up from my friends and went for a walk along the beach. We ended up laying by the water and just talking. He would kiss me and hold my hand just while we talked. Then on the walk back to his place, he reached for my hand and then put his arm around me. I expected him to invite me up but instead he asked whether I was going to head back to my place. I said yes and he kissed me good night in front of his dorm.
So far our relationship has only been a weekend thing and mainly a hookup. I would like it to be more than that as I actually like him. How do I know whether he feels the same way and how do I change the hookup status to a relationship? I feel like I'm the one doing all the work and inviting him to everything. How do I change this?
We're a year apart and don't have any classes together. He lives in a dorm and eats in the dining halls while I'm off campus and cook for myself. Seeing each other during the week isn't that easy but I feel like as long as it's only the weekend, this won't go very far.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. Please help me fix this very messed up relationship. I don't want just a hookup.

[Homegirl 50]

Stop having sex with him.
Don't have him up to your place as you seem to have no control. Stay away from places where you can make out.
Get to know him and he you.

[kctiger]

Had to spread the rep Homegirl.

You gave it up pretty easy, you continue to give it up pretty easily and from his perspective, there is no need to change anything so long as he gets what he wants. Cut the water supply off and see how long he lasts... in other words, drop the sex, get to know each other on a more personal level, and see how that develops.

[Jake2008]

You have to control yourself, and you indicate that you can't. Time and time again, although you said you didn't want to, or things went farther than you wanted them to, you still put out. Why do you lack self control sexually.

That should be the first thing you put on hold if you want to develop a relationship based on more than the odd romp in the sack.

That being said, I presume that he has indicated, from what you said, that he is the type of guy who would respect a hold on sex, to see what kind of relationship would/could develop first.

Anybody can have sex and talk themselves into reasons they did it. Not everyone can, or has the maturity, to realize that a relationship is much more work. If you are serious about putting the brakes on sex with this guy, what stops you from doing so. Is it the relationship with him that may turn out to be unsuitable? You don't want to lose what you have, or take a risk on something more and then losing it all?

If you decide to stick with the sex, and the odd movie, you can expect that it won't last.

If you decide to forego the sex, and replace it with getting to know him in a non-sexual way, there is also a risk that you will lose him. For two reasons. He may not think you are relationship material, because of the way you started the relationship with being so willing to have sex. (I know it is a double standard, but it is what it is). So, you may have a lot more work cut out for you to show him that you are far more than the sum of your body parts.

And, the second reason is, you may not be compatible with him. Which, had you not had the sex part first, you would have not put out in the first place, and you would be feeling happy that you hadn't, instead of the place you are in now, which is going backwards.

I don't buy that you cannot control yourself. If people who are sexually attracted to each other in the manner that you imply that you are, and cannot stop themselves from having sex, we would see people having sex everywhere- on the picnic tables, in the lineups at the grocery store, at bus stops, etc. You do have control, you just choose to use a lack of it, as an excuse.

I know I sound harsh, but really think about your own behaviour here, and have a good long look at what a relationship is. What a healthy relationship is, and how a relationship develops. Starting with communicating, which is the foundation, getting to know a person, who they are. Honesty, morals, ethics; is he an honourable person, socially responsible, good to his family and loyal to his friends. So many factors to consider and, none of which if your relationship is based only on sex.

Send him an email if you have to, and tell him that you'd simply like to drop the sex, and get to know him if he is willing. Tell him you'd like to just date, go places, talk, and enjoy eachothers company.

The only person who can control the direction of this possible relationship- is you.

[Shadowburn]

Unfortunately, it's not reversible. Once you've dealt your best card - sex - so easily, you are demoted to booty call and won't be promoted to a girlfriend.

Please value yourself more and first develop a relationship, and only then give out physical privileges of it.

Good luck.