[giving_lover]

I am 21 years old and my wife is 23. She was a virgin before we got married and does not masturbate. She doesn't like it when I touch her clitoris when we are making love or when I touch her at all down there. She is grossed out by the idea of me giving her oral, but we are both at a dead end with her reaching orgasm. She says it feels good but there is no building of anything at all for her.. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? I read all these threads and everyone says to stimulate her clitoris but she feels like a toy that I'm playing with when I do that.

[Fr_Chuck]

Make it fun, enjoy it, and don't rush it.

[excon]

Hello g:

She needs more help than simply switching around the things you touch. She's NOT into sex. There's something MISSING that more or different sex play won't replace. It's not NORMAL to never have masturbated. She needs therapy. You BOTH do.

excon

[Enigma1999]

Hello Giving,

She doesn't like oral? Really?

How about taking the tip of your penis and rubbing it on her clitoris? Have you tried that? Or, how about introducing toys up in the mix? Using a vibrator on her clitoris?

There are a lot of women that need to have their clitoris stimulated in order to reach orgasm.

So if she is uncomfortable with you using your tongue, or even fingers for that matter, then try another approach.

Also, I do believe that you two should be more open about your relationships. Maybe she needs more reassurance from you, or to be romanced.

Have you asked her why she doesn't like it when you do certain things to her, or why she doesn't like to masturbate?

[Cat1864]

Did she grow up with any religious or cultural prohibitions on masturbating?

How long have you been married?

This may seem like a strange question, but did you marry for love or was it arranged?

She needs to find a way to get her mind and body aroused. Erotic (not explicit) viewing and reading material might help. Is she okay with touching your body or you touching the rest of her body?

A very true saying you will see a lot in these threads is: Make love to her mind and the body will follow. Foreplay begins long before you ever get close to the bedroom. It starts with caresses, kisses, and glances. It builds up. Touch every place except where she expects you to. Massage can be a wonderful way to relieve one type of tension and build another.

Intimacy is journey of the senses. It isn't a race to a finish line.

[YeloDasy]

SEX THERAPY!! It can be fun!

[Synnen]

How about this: Take advice from Monty Python, and don't just rush for the clitoris!

Of COURSE she doesn't want you touching her clitoris. You haven't built up to it. I don't care WHAT you say (or what she says)--if there's not enough tension BEFORE you touch naughty bits, touching naughty bits just isn't going to be that fun. It's not tuning a radio or switching channels, for pete's sake.

And I agree--she NEEDS to learn to masturbate. If SHE can't get her off, then there's no way YOU can get her off. That's one thing that romance novels have ALL wrong. She needs to know her own buttons so that she can show them to you.

[jmjoseph]

we are both at a dead end with her reaching orgasm. .

No you're not. She needs to open her mind, and you need to read "The Sensuous Man", or other books like it.

I agree with counseling. Find out why she is against masturbation, touching and oral sex.

The first time she does let you give her oral, and she reaches orgasm, she'll be a new sexual creature.

You have some good answers, from some smart people, but it's all about her opening up.

The largest sexual organ is the brain. If there's something in hers that's telling her that something is "gross" or "taboo" she'll never get there.

Get that book. I read my older brother's copy when I was 15, and again at 18, and have never regreted it.

Be sensual, not mechanical.

I'm not blaming you, I'm just trying to help a brother out.

Good luck and I hope you crack the code.

[smoothy]

Really, take the advice given above... she basically closed all the windows, pulled the drapes and without so much fanfare closed her mind to MOST things that the average woman would consider pleasurable.

However as Synnen pointed out... timing is everything... and if you go straight for the fun button, I can see hesitance there... now if she completely and utterly closes down the entire carnival except for the slide and won't open it up no matter how long you play on the slide... then she mighht have a serious mental block brought on by any number of life events and or personal misconceptions.

If that is the case counseling won't hurt.

However time window is important because she was a virgin, and some things take longer to warm up to than others... don't expect he to jump from total celibacy to anything goes overnight. Its going to take time... and you have to understand certain things she might never warm up to.

Part of this will depend on your skills as a salesman, at the same time having some empathy and understanding... and trust me. Patience is something you will need in abundence.

Unless she learned how to get herself off, that would be like going on a treasure hunt in a warehouse... BLINDFOLDED, wearing boxing gloves.

[Handyman2007]

It seems to me that somewhere along the way of this lady growing up, someone has taught her that sex is nasty and bad. She needs to speak to a Gynecologist and a counselor. Couples counseling is also in order. When those walls are torn down, someone is in for the ride of their life!!

[beachloverjohn]

Being a virgin at 23 is not going to make this any easier for you. You yourself may not be that experienced in the art of lovemaking. This is by no means a put down but you do need some outside help. Sex therapy is a good option, as someone suggested, but another way to get her "educated' might be to get a few porn movies. Get her to watch these with you, and she will see for herself that all kinds of foreplay can be very enjoyable as long as you keep an open mind. And that is what you need to do here, to open up her mind to enjoying how her own body feels, to show her that touching yourselves can be very sensual, not dirty, and it is another form of cunnunicating your love for each other.

[Cat1864]

Being a virgin at 23 is not going to make this any easier for you. You yourself may not be that experienced in the art of lovemaking. This is by no means a put down but you do need some outside help. Sex therapy is a good option, as someone suggested, but another way to get her "educated' might be to get a few porn movies. Get her to watch these with you, and she will see for herself that all kinds of foreplay can be very enjoyable as long as you keep an open mind. And that is what you need to do here, to open up her mind to enjoying how her own body feels, to show her that touching yourselves can be very sensual, not dirty, and it is another form of cunnunicating your love for each other.

I don't think 'porn' is a good way to go. That's why I suggested 'erotic' not 'explicit' movies. 'Porn' is not geared toward making sex seem less dirty more sensual.

IF you go the 'porn' route look for titles aimed more at women instead men.