[josh.casement]

My girlfriend and I put a deposit on an apartment in the beginning of summer, after we both graduated college. She was really eager to get a place, and did a lot of the apt searching and we found one. So then my girlfriend and I have had a rocky month or so. I was negative all the time and she distanced herself with her work friends. She had a work party to go to, and I called her at midnight saying goodnight and found out she was still there. We were both going away to separate locations for a few days, we set up a plan to see each other. I come over and the next day and her house was torn apart by the after party she had until four am. I got mad and expressed that I didn't feel comfortable with her partying with people I don't know, and I left.

She went to away and we texted trying to figure things out (stupid I know). A few days later she said she wanted space, and I nagged her for answers, which I didn't get. We continued to text, and she kept saying she didn't know how she felt. Another few days went by and she went away again to spend time with her mom at their vacation house. We had plans to meet up on Sunday to talk, and when that day came I called and asked if we were still meeting and she gave me a story about how there was traffic and we wouldn't be able to meet. I pushed it and drove an hour north to talk, and things seemed fine after.

She said she was at a transition period in her life after her summer camp job ended and with a new job starting. She wanted to take it slow and start over and "date" me.

The next day she calls me and says she doesn't know what she wants in her life, and that she wants to date me but have the option of seeing other people, and that we shouldn't talk about it if we hook up with people.

Through texts she has said the following:

I don't know what I want and I have to figure it out. I don't expect you to wait around for me so if that means losing you then I lose you. I need to be sure were meant to be.

She then proceeds to make plans with me for dinner a few nights later.

She then says:

If you can't handle being with me like this I understand. I do love you and it kills me to do this. All I want is independence and freedom. No labels or commitments, which is asking a lot. I can't say that ill still feel like this in a week or a month but its how I feel right now. It kills me that I'm hurting you but it isn't right to be with you when I'm not positive.

She took our Facebook relationship status away, and told me she wasn't taking our "real" relationship away, she just didn't want to have to answer people about it.

After all that we have plans on dinner...

What do I do.

We've been together for 2.5 years, spending pretty much all our time with each other, splitting time staying at both of our parents houses.

We got in a rut, and when we were hanging out we were just not interested in each other or mad whenever we were at our parents houses, but when we were doing things like going to weddings and going out with friends it was happiness.

She wouldn't listen to me and I would be verbally abusive which I know isn't right at all. I have a major problem with anger management, and am very uptight about a lot of things. She suggested me to see a specialist about my anger which I have agreed to.

She says she wants to work out our problems, but doesn't know if we can...

She hasn't really partied like that before without me there, a couple of times since our "break".

She says she wants to date and "start over" and take it slow and see each other a few times a week. She says she wants it to be exciting and fun, which I can see cause we were in a rut before.

[TheThinker]

Hey I'm sorry to hear this, I'm in a pretty similar situation right now and it's painful. It's hard to see someone step out of a relationship and behave like that, especially when they're stringing you along with the "I still love you" and "This is only temporary, I just need to figure things out". It hurts and puts you in both a mentally and emotionally unstable place.

I think it's best to step back and take a deep breath. It looks like she is curious what else is out there but doesn't want to lose the security of your relationship. The "dating" thing is as close as she can get to both, and that's what she went for. It's hard to cut loose from someone you've seen for a few years, and this is her way of slowly letting go.

Don't let her string you along - stop dating. This is valuable time you could be using to assess yourself and build the rest of your life. It sounds like you have a few issues that you could work on as well - which you've started doing. This will help facilitate your personal growth. Taking these steps will not only help you gain control of your own situation, but show her your working to become a better person. Plus - if things eventually don't work out you'll already be on your way to recovery.

[BMI]

Well, I guess this may apply to the both of you above. Rarely, if ever, do these things mean anything other than your partner is becoming interested in other things, people, places, etc.

I am going to assume you are young (only for the fact that these partying situations and the like take place at a generally young age. Young being defined here as 19- to maybe 25, not exact) I've heard and experienced such stories, it seems to be a polite way to tell you that other people and other interests are developing, very hard for the other person to now take a back seat or observe out of the ordinary behaviour.

I think she is confused as to what it is she is looking for (well who isn't really, up to a certain age and level of relationship/commitment) but is definetely curious as to what else is out there. Hence the lying, the more frequent partying, etc. The offer to see you is not so confusing really, she does not hate you nor wishes to be rid of you completely. She just wants a lot, a lot of patience, a lot of letting her do what she please, a lot of everything without objection.

Stay and I think she'll have you obeying her for fear of losing her. That means letting her get away with whatever, stuff you'd probably never have accepted at an earlier stage.

Leave or at least leave her to her own devices, and either you will heal, beg her back, or she may well come back to you. Either way, it sounds as if you will be familiar with all the ups and downs of relationships before long.

Best of luck

[vanheart]

Why move in with someone if:

"all I want is independence and freedom, no labels or commitments"

That's all you need to know. There you go...
Honest at least. Hurt like hell? Yes, but:

If you love(ed) her, then give her that gift.
The best one you will ever give her.

Don't wait for a thank you.

Grab some of that freedom yourself after. Without her.

This is a sign of more of the same from her.

Read the stickies here.

"She says she wants to date and "start over" and take it slow and see eachother a few times a week."

That's up to YOUR discretion, NOT hers. Sounds like a slow burn to me. Beware.

I say things have changed for her, not you.

Either get on the same plan or part.

Screw it, I would just go NC.

[heartonsleeve]

My ex first suggested we 'date' again (for me the spark didn't seem to have disappeared... I later found out there was a whole other reason behind his logic). I wasn't really happy with this, so he then suggested a 'break'.
This of course ended after a month with him ending it entirely.
The dating thing is unfortunately a half hearted attempt at ending things, when they are probably seeing what else is out there, or have already found someone else but are testing the waters with them too.
I'm sorry but it doesn't look good :(

[talaniman]

Time to leave her alone to do her thing, and you do yours. Its confusing to follow someone else's program when they don't want to follow yours, but that only means you need a new program that doesn't include her.

[josh.casement]

UPDATE:

So after talking to my mother about the situation, she reinforced the fact that my girlfriend is walking all over me and has all the control in the relationship. We had plans for a "date" last night, but at 2pm I asked her for a time and she wouldn't give it to me. I got home from work at 6, no call no text nothing, and I made other plans with my friends. She then got all mad at me, saying "that would have been nice to know" I ignored her the rest of the night and I get a barrage of texts this morning saying I was wrong, I'm sorry, I love you, I miss you, blah blah blah.

This view from this roller coaster suuuuuucks

[BMI]

Your view sucks? Try being at the bottom of said rollercoaster with a mechanical issue:)

[CarrotTalker]

UPDATE:

So after talking to my mother about the situation, she reinforced the fact that my gf is walking all over me and has all the control in the relationship. We had plans for a "date" last night, but at 2pm i asked her for a time and she wouldnt give it to me. I got home from work at 6, no call no txt nothing, and I made other plans with my friends. She then got all mad at me, saying "that would have been nice to know" I ignored her teh rest of the night and I get a barrage of texts this morning saying I was wrong, im sorry, i love you, i miss you, blah blah blah.

This view from this rollercoaster suuuuuucks

At least now your in an upper position on the roller coaster and you have a little more control. Time to use it to your advantage and tell her its over. Be sure to remind her, this is what she wanted.

She will hem and haw, make up all sorts of nonsense trying to spin the blame back on you, but we all know the truth, she is the one playing games and wants to "have her cake and eat it to"