[Maxter55]

First off I would like to say that I am so grateful that I have found this forum. It's by far the best one out there.

Here's my problem and I'm losing a lot of sleep over it.

My girlfriend and I have been going out for almost a year now. We had our differences and I am very old fashioned and she is (or was) a party girl. She respects my feeling and one thing I love is that she is VERY honest. From the beginning she hasn't told me one lie. Our mottos on that are the same, if were going to lie/cheat, why be in the relationship.

Ok, we work at the same office and that's where we met. I'm 25 and she's 27. She is a virgin but is known by the people of her past as a party girl. Now I work with attorneys that monitor our computers regularly. I went in to pull something up and we were having trouble finding a note or conversation so we started looking at our computer recording software which only our attorney has access to. Anyway, without him knowing I'm her boyfriend, he laughed and said, "oh I wonder who her bf is. Looks like she's being asked for things from others". I nearly DIED! Thoughts are running through my head now! Long story short, I asked him to view our office notes and found what he was looking at. Its someone I "know of". He was interested in her when we started dating. He is actually looking for any girl. He is a successful doctor and I don't know what he asked her since we can't see his typing but this is what she send back to him via messenger back"no, that's a little inappropriate. If my boyfriend finds out he will flip" then she texts "k" and ends the conversation. Now, here's my problems. He calls her as he pleases as she claims he is a nice guy and they are just friends. I totally trust her but he is in the market looking, and was interested in her. They went out on one date and I don't know if they kissed or not but am I jealous or insecure for being very pissed off and wanting to confront her about it and ask to know what he said and maybe calling the guy with her permission nicely and asking please don't communicate with her anymore?

Also, here is the big problem. We both hate invasion of privacy. It's a sign that there's no trust. How can I confront her if I'm not even suppose to know what happened? Should I b honest with her and tell her how I got the info? Even if I do, is it wrong of me? I really need help and I'm losing sleep over this. What I don't get is if she's so in love with me and everything going great(we met parents and come and go regularly) is your perverted friend worth ruining the relationship over? Why doesn't she stop talking to him on her own? Am I not priority? Why should other guys of her intimate or dating past still be in contact with her? Especially this one that throws out inappropriate comments? Someone please help me. I thank you in advance for all your support.

[Oddboots]

Get over it - you have invaded her privacy. You're the one breaking trust.

She's dealing with him, be mature and back off and keep your insecurity and imagination under control.

[Maxter55]

Thanks for the response. That's what I figured I just needed someone to tell me but I don't see how I invaded her privacy per say. Is it wrong to confront her about it knowing the source and how the information was obtained? Also, I quoted exactly what she wrote. He toted her 5 times before that. He is living alone and decorating his house and keeps asking her for advice. What am I suppose to think?

[nadia.baseer.durrani]

Tell her what you think. If "not invading privacy" in a relationship is a rule then so is letting your spouse know what you are thinking. You tend to get a little jealous when you deeply love someone. Tell her in a way that she can understand this fact. If you don't talk about it then eventually it'l change your attitude to some extent. And tehn it'l be BAD. Trust your relation and go for it.

[Alfersz]

tell her what you think. if "not invading privacy" in a relationship is a rule then so is letting your spouse know what you are thinking. you tend to get a little jealous when you deeply love someone. tell her in a way that she can understand this fact. if you don't talk about it then eventually it'l change your attitude to some extent. and tehn it'l be BAD. trust your relation and go for it.

You... im agree with this one...
In a relationship,we need to be open,honest and sharing right?
So why don't you two sit down and just talk about it..
Tell her about your feelings and tell you could'nt sleep bcause of this...
But don't say you don't trust her,cause 100% getting worse...
Just tell how uncomfortable you are with this situation and find a solution together... more easy right?
Maybe its hard to talk but at least you must try,and choose your every sentences carefully.

[talaniman]

Some guy is flirting with your girl and work, and your flipping out, but you also know what she told him,

"no, that's a little inappropriate. If my boyfriend finds out he will flip" then she text "k" and ends the conversation.

First of all you may be over reacting, jealousy and insecurity will do that to the best of us. Second, its not an invasion of privacy, you were just there as a part of your job that her boss invaded her privacy and maybe she needs to know that there is no privacy at work. But his remark,

"oh I wonder who her bf is. Looks like she's being asked for things from others". I nearly DIED! Thoughts are running through my head now!

Got you flipping especially with your ideas of what this guy is about around any female. Easy to get carried away by your own fear. Get beyond this fellow, as it was bound to happen that she get attention from others and probably has more times that she can count. The real issue is, is your trust so fragile that you completely lose it over a surprising situation? I sure hope not. I think you cope with your own feelings before you throw them at her, because if you come off as suspicious, and insecure, you cast doubt on what is supposed to be unconditional trust.

I don't believe in confrontation with so little facts, and would just see this for what it is a flirtatious guy hitting on a female. Nothing more. I would accuse her of nothing, simply because of being secure and trusting her, but I would tell her that the boss can monitor her computer, and you were there when he was looking for something, and came across her doing her job, as well as others, in your office. That's not snooping, or eavesdropping by you, nor is it needy, and insecure (unless you make it that way), but this is an example of things you face, and have to deal with when you are in a workplace relationship, that basically you keep secret. A lot of things go on, harmless flirting, chasing someone you find attractive and desirable (YOU did), and a host of personal interaction, at work.

Don't make a casual happening a big deal, and don't get carried away you forget that you trust her to not only handle herself well, but do the right thing by the relationship. She did it her way, NOT YOURS, and that's okay. So calm down first. Then talk.

[Shadowburn]

She is virgin at 27? Did I misread it?

There no privacy ever at work, all employees should be aware of this (I'm sure it's in your employee's handbook). Any emails, IM's, anything sent/received at the computer that belongs to employer, can be accessed by the system administrator at any time for any reason.

So this successful dr is flirting with your girl, but looks like she is rebuffing him. Their dialogue maybe went like this:

Dr <whatever he is asking>
Your gf: No, that won't be appropriate.
Dr <Ok, I won't ask you then>
Your gf: K

So maybe she is just being friendly toward him, because obviously she reminded him she has a boyfriend and that her boundaries should be respected. I wouldn't be reading too much into it.

But if I were you, I'd let her know that system administrator was working on some computer issues and was reading her IM.

[Ther4peuticH3at]

This whole invasion of privacy issue is garbage. If you're honest and up front with your partner, why the heck would you care if he/she went through your stuff. If you have nothing to hide, then there's no such thing as privacy between a couple.

I get having personal space and a life of your own but that's something different all together.

That being said, you need to stop going through her stuff. Stop being insecure and trust her. If you can't trust her, then end it.

[positiveparent]

Right now you haven't invaded her privacy you just happened to be there and discovered that her IM or whatever it was was all being recorded by the firm you work for.

What's happened since and your fears are of your own making, you read something and let your imagination run riot, bad move. Get facts before you get fantasising.

You obviously have some trust issues and if you don't talk them through with your g/f and hopefully face them and deal with them together then that little green eyed monster is going to cause havoc in the relationship in time, so deal with it now, lay it to rest and start telling yourself you have nothing to worry about.

You must however talk this over together, that way she knows you're insecure, ( and you are ) that in turn gives her the choice of stopping actions that feed your insecurities or not. IF she cares and you too do your own bit to stop yourself feeling jealous over little or nothing, between you both you'll overcome it and life will be just peachy, don't do this or just think it'll go away and your relationship will be headed towards the relationship dumpster.

You have though got to get this sorted and the sooner the better.

Also she's a Virgin you say well that speaks volumes obviously she's not a Party Girl and she can be trusted, get a grip, don't make a mountain out of a molehill, and deal with any issues either of you have as soon as they appear, nip them in the bud, and you'll find you have a great relationship, by not talking this through you'll end up having a breakdown in communications.

Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you, remember that and it will serve you well in your relationship..

First though talk to her tell her your worries.

p.s. she is allowed male friends, as are you allowed female friends, it's a relationship not an ownership, please always remember that, and you'll do OK.

[I wish]

Bottom line, if you trust her, then let her deal with her own issues. If it's not this guy, it could be some other guy.

As for you, if you cannot find it in yourself to let her handle her affairs, then you have much bigger problems than this other guy. It's going to be a long term problem, not a one time thing. Therefore, confronting the guy won't make much of a difference. Do you really have to stand up to every guy that is going to approach her? That's no fun for anyone. Just adds to the all around tension.

What you should really do is focus on building a stronger relationship with her. Instead of worry about other guys, worry about how you treat her.

If you have a strong relationship, things will fall into place.

[ITstudent2006]

Maybe this is just me who caught this or maybe I can relate to this sentence in some weird way. When she said No, that's a little innapropriate. That is a good thing. She tells the guy NO. The sentence after that is what caught my attention.

To me her responding to whatever he said with that means she thought about it then thought about you possibly finding out. Thenthought about what you would do. (flip).
\Maybe its just me thinking to hard into this but I find that lone response to be sketchy.

Again this is just my thought! As far as the invasion of privacy thing goes here's the thing. IF and I capitilize because its important, but IF you came across the information just like you told us then hey it's her misfortune. But if you're lying and you went digging then that's issues you have that you need to take care of. If it was by mistake then tell her and just let her know how it makes you feel.

Rick

[ITstudent2006]

I Wish: I just have to comment on your post because it bugs me. Clearly this guy wants something from the g/f. Whether it's sexual or a date or whatever. He is still moving in on a taken female.

Now, maybe this is my Alpha male coming out but I will never stand by and let another guy make advances toward my girl. I trust my wife more then anything and I wouldn't confront that guy for her sake but out of the simple fact that she's taken and he doesn't have the common courtesy to leave her alone.

I can see if it was friends but from a guy who was interested before and clearly wants something now, (made apparent by the No, it's a little innapropriate comment) I would intervene with him, not her. I trust her enough to handle her own but what jerks my chain is the gall this guy has.

Rick

[talaniman]

All that drama over a phone call at work? Frankly that's not enough to piqué my interest, let alone lose sleep over.

[ITstudent2006]

Clearly it wasn't a normal phone call though. I am not telling the OP to go gung ho with his g/f. It just makes me mad the gall that some people have that's all.

Rick

[ineedpeace]

Hi Dude!

I am not a relationship expert but one thing I know s be the part of the solution and the problem itself. I would suggest that you need to trust her and should give her some breathing space!

Offcourse, you can ask her about that guy but then it would make you ugly. So try to just wait and see and if possible then give her more attention and care and make sure she doesn't even have to think about that person. Love her and make her feel special when you are with her.

Hope I told you what you have already thought about! Best of luck!