[Fixer12]

My girlfriend and I have been been together for over a year now. We have had to do a long distance (cross country) relationship for the past 6 months. It has been hard, and I can see we are growing apart. I will be leaving to go visit her later this week, for a week. I am starting to realize that I do not want a long distance relationship anymore, and that we fight all the time. I do not know what I should do. I am getting more nervous about the trip as the time comes closer because I know she is still fully in love with me, but I do not know if I feel the same way anymore. I care about her, and I know if I were to break up with her, it would make her life even more harder then it already is.

Any suggestions on what I should do would be great. Thank you

[Fr_Chuck]

OK, you got me on this one, I was reading and when you said you did not want a long distance, I just knew you were going to just move to where she was at. Oh well fooled me

You don't go, you break up and be honest with her.

[JoeCanada76]

So you just want to give up on it? Do you have interests else where?

Maybe if you spent more quality time together there would be less fighting.

Maybe somebody has to make a move so it is not long distance anymore.

Unless you think your completely done... Then do what Fr.Chuck said to do.

[ZoeMarie]

I'm with Jesushelper. I'm willing to bet that a lot of the fighting stems from not having quality time together. That can be very frustrating. If it were me I would be honest and tell her that the long distance thing is too hard. See what she thinks. I wouldn't throw it all away just yet... Not until you've expressed your concerns with her and it's determined that you don't want to work things out. Long distance isn't easy, I know, but are there plans of living in the same city in the future?

[talaniman]

Relationships are about honesty, and communicating. Long distance relationship are very hard, and most people have big problems when they do have a plan for being together later.

You don't seem to have a plan, or goal for the future, and it's a very new relationship any way.

Despite all your worries, a break up, while it may hurt, she will get over you, and find her own happiness.

Just be honest and tell her the truth, you want no part of a long distance relationship.

[Fixer12]

Threads merged

I have been with my current girlfriend for over a year and half now, about 8 months of it in a Long Distance Relationship. I am 22 years old and she is about to turn 21 next month. We have been having a hard time with the distance and it has been causing my a lot of stress.

We seem to fight almost everyday and it is stressing me out to the point where I almost feel like I am having health problems, and I can tell with her it is causing her to get into a depression.

She has been wanting us to go see each other more and more and I personally do not have any money or time with school starting. She wants to lay down all the airfair and travel money if she could see me for just a day or two. I personally do not feel that this is a good solution because she has to pay for everything on her own in life, and I really think she needs to put her money to something else. I see what she is trying to do as romantic, but not logical.

I feel horrible because she is trying so hard to make things better and I am honestly starting to feel numb from all the fighting. I don't seem to care when we talk or if we honestly see each other in the future, and she can see that and it is hurting her. I am deathly afraid of breaking up with her because I know how it goes and it hurts. This girl has had a horrible life, and she tells me I am the only good thing in it. How can I hurt her? I have honestly never been so scared of anything in my life, it makes me cry hurting her.

I don't know what I can do, if I should help fix it, or end it? I care about her a lot, but we never seem to see eye to eye, and it causes me so much stress.

Please help, I feel I have no one else to turn to on this subject. Thank you

[silverlining]

A relationship is supposed to make your life better not worse.. and there doesn't seem to be much good in this one from your post..

Yes it's going to hurt her if you end it but don't you think you're hurting her more now? Let her find someone else who will make her happy

[Fixer12]

I am worried about how she is going to react. I know she will be the kind that will be calling me over and over again, leaving me a bunch of voicemails crying, and sad texts, or emails. I am so scared of doing this to her.

I know this sounds like I am a big chicken, but I care about her a lot, and don't want to hurt her

[mystific]

I think it is admirable that you are taking her feelings and emotions into account at such a critical time.

However, the old saying, 'cruel to be kind' rings true here. It's the worst kind of feeling knowing the relationship is coming to an end and even ten times worse knowing its being dragged out because of the emotional upheaval. The last thing I believe you'd want is for it to come to the stage where you just don't care any more and start saying and/or doing things that are hurtful and mean because you can't be bothered any more.

Call it a day and get it over with. Don't drag it out any longer than necessary, voicemails can be deleted as can sad texts and emails. Hate mail is harder to overlook.

[silverlining]

Yess I get that you don't want to hurt her but the longer you leave it the worse you're going to hurt her...

If you don't see a future for you and her then you got to be an adult and end it

[Just Looking]

I’ve told this story several times on here, but it probably never applied as much as it does to your post. I was involved in a long distance relationship for 18 months when I was in grad school. It started when I was 22. We lived 1800 miles apart. I was very busy working full-time and going to school to get my MBA. We didn’t fight a lot, but he did feel insecure and would get what he called “black moods”. I did feel a lot of stress, trying to maintain the relationship while working and going to school, and trying to keep him happy. I was crazy about him, but I also knew it wasn't going to work in the long run. It was difficult to break it off but I also knew it was necessary. I had never felt so deeply for anyone, but then I was only 22 when we met. I didn’t know at that time what all was out there.

We always communicated very well, and we talked and talked about this until he completely understood why I was breaking up. He knew deep down that it was the right thing for me. I questioned myself over the next year, but I always came back to realizing I had made the right decision. Fortunately, I was wise enough not to play games with him. He still doesn’t know I ever had second thoughts. We did make some mistakes. It was before I found this site and learned about the concept of No Contact. We remained good friends for 3 years until he finally told me that he couldn’t talk to me anymore. He was still hurting and still wanted to marry me, but he knew it would never happen. I feel terrible now, realizing the pain he’d been in for 3 years.

You can’t continue this because it’s easier and you don’t want to hurt her. You aren’t happy. You are making yourself sick. She’s unhappy and becoming depressed. You need to live your life for yourself. You’re young. You really don’t even know who or what is out there for you yet. This is the time in your life to explore.

It will be hard for her, but it will be better in the long run. She’ll find a way to cope, and she will even learn some things about herself along the way. She’s young and has a lot ahead of her. My ex always told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, too. I know though that we weren’t meant to marry, and I was giving him his freedom to find someone who was better suited to him.

Stick to your logic. Be gentle, but firm, with her. Caring about her isn’t enough to give up what you want in life. You’ll just resent her, and the longer this continues the more hurt she will be. Take your life back, get healthy, work hard in school, and build the life you want. She’ll do the same when she’s ready.

[Fixer12]

I understand what you are saying and agree with you.

I am just so worried about doing it, I can't seem to bring myself to it. I want to almost wait it out and see if it gets better, or even wait for a better time, or when to even do it. I honestly don't think I have been so scared of something like this before ever. Thank you everyone for your posts so far

[Just Looking]

I had the impression when I read your post that you know you will break up eventually. Am I mistaken about that? Is the long distance the only issue?

Are you only afraid of her being upset, or are you afraid she will hurt herself?

[Fixer12]

I am afraid of her doing both. I also just want to be happy, and I feel like since we are fighting all the time and kind of controlling one another with the distance, it's making my life harder

[talaniman]

You have been knowing how you felt for a long time so how dare you string this female along, under the guise of caring when this whole thing is about what a big coward you are.

Sorry guy, but you should have handled your business a long time ago. No more excuses, get it done, NOW!!

[mystific]

Didn't you post yesterday that you wanted to leave her but were scared to do so?

[Homegirl 50]

You are lying to this girl, stringing her along because you don't have the guts to leave. You are not doing her any favors.
Do want you need to do and be done with it.
She may come out of this better than you think.

[Fixer12]

So I finally broke up with her, it was probably the hardest thing I have ever done. I feel horrible. I don't know what to do guys. Ive never broke up with anyone, and I care about her a lot, I just know it wouldn't of worked. Please help!

[Homegirl 50]

Do not contact her and if she contacts you don't respond. This will help both of you to heal.
It will get easier with time.

[Shadowburn]

You did the right thing for the both of you. You know it won't work, so what's the point of dragging it on and on. You should've ended it long time ago - look at your own posts back from June, and it's September now and nothing has changed.

Please do not contact her any longer - out of caring or compassion, or trying to be there for her - in situations like that, the most caring thing is to remove yourself irrevocably out of someone's life. She need to grieve, and heal and move on.

Don't doubt and second guess yourself. Not every relationship meant to last life time. In due time, you'll meet someone who will be right for you.

Good luck and stay strong.