[jls2327]

Hello, I'm new here and I don't have anyone to turn to with my worries. I've been going out with this guy for 4 years. He's been wonderful to me and being a sweet guy, until his sudden passion for religion.
He now wants to become a preacher and is now working on a degree on it. Now, this isn't a horrible thing itself, but I've told him before that I'm not a religious person and never will be. It's now a constant battle with him trying to force me into the religious scene, even though I'm uncomfortable with it and the people it usually attracts.
He no longer listens to my advice, probably because I'm not religious and a "heathen" (actually called me that). I can't stand to have sex with him anymore because he told me that that is a basis for a good relationship and expects it everyday even when I'm tired and if I don't, he becomes (sorry for the word) pissy. I'm thinking about breaking off the engagement with him, but I don't know if I'm wrong about the whole ideal. I just really do not want to be a preacher's wife. :(

[Alty]

This is a very serious issue because this will only cause problems later on if you marry.

Religion is a big thing. Usually when a couple marries, if they have different beliefs they either decide to pick one, or worship separately. The issue with you is that your fiancé wants to be a preacher and wants you to be a part of his religion.

Leaving religion aside for a minute, I also think that, from what you wrote, he's a control freak. He expects you to have sex with him every day? Never heard of a religion that promotes premarital sex, especially for a preacher. Must be a new rule. ;)

Also, calling you a "heathen", not okay. Aren't you supposed to be the woman he loves?

If you don't want to be a preachers wife then your choice is pretty clear. It's time to walk away.

If you think the relationship is worth saving then you both have some issues to resolve. Best to resolve them before you say I do to make sure you really do.

[Jake2008]

This isn't about religion, it's about control.

Your thoughts, your ideas, your suggestions, the whole ball of wax. He is making up rules to go along with the control, such as the sex, even when you don't want to.

If you think it's bad now, just wait until he has accomplished his goal.

I would imagine that he has an idea of what your new role should be, and that is essentially changing who you are.

Your fiancé is obviously not the man you thought he was, and is turning into a different person with new expectations of his world, his life, and you.

My suggestion is to run, don't walk to the nearest exit, and thank your lucky stars that you saw this side of him before you married him.

[jls2327]

Wow, I didn't expect responses this quickly! Thank you! :D

I didn't realize it was a control issue. As for the premarital sex thing, he just recently wanted to become a preacher. I'm happy that he wants to do something spiritual, but it's just not for me. Our relationship must've been doomed from the beginning since I'm going into a science field while he goes into a religious field heh. I'm glad I'm not crazy for thinking it now, the only problem is timing. We're at the same college and it will be uncomfortable being at the same school when I finally work up the nerve... :(

[Jake2008]

Conformity will be a lot of pressure on you as well. Along with his becoming a preacher, he will conform to certain beliefs, and he sounds like he would expect you to as well.

No doubt there are those that would consider changing too, but as you said, it is not for you.

Take your time and you will know when the time is right.

It's hard, regardless. I don't mean to minimize that for you. Please post again and let us know how you're doing.

Take good care of you.

[jls2327]

Thank you Jake2008 and you too Altenweg. I don't have any one to talk to about this and have been dreading it for a while. All my friends are either single or have happy relationships and won't give good advice on the matter.
The funny thing is that he was originally going to break it off with me due to my temperament (I got angry with him often, it was mostly due to his stubbornness and being pushy). But we tried to work on it since then. Obviously, we still are having those same problems
I've done some research on control freaks, since you guys mentioned it, and he fits all the symptoms (except not violent physically or mentally abusive, thank goodness). I just feel so dumb not realizing it earlier in our relationship...

[QLP]

It is usually hardest to view things objectively when you are closest to them. Lots of us on here try and give advice but that doesn't mean we don't also ask for it when we need it too. Don't beat yourself up for missing what looks obvious to you now. Be glad you can see what is going on and make a decision based on your new insight.

If you take little else from this relationship you will have garnered valuable knowledge for the future.

I know it won't be easy but you need to do what feels right for you, now that you can see you have been trying to do what is right for him, whilst he has been controlling the relationship rather than contributing to it on equal terms.

I wish you well.

[Cat1864]

.
The funny thing is that he was originally going to break it off with me due to my temperament (I got angry with him often, it was mostly due to his stubborness and being pushy). But we tried to work on it since then. Obviously, we still are having those same problems
I've done some research on control freaks, since you guys mentioned it, and he fits all the symptoms (except not violent physically or mentally abusive, thank goodness). I just feel so dumb not realizing it earlier in our relationship...

I think a part of you did realize earlier in the relationship, but he turned it around to it being your issue not his. He was going to break it off because your attitude? I would bet that a lot of the working on it was you accepting him being pushy and stubborn and changing your temperament to fit what he felt was appropriate.

By the way, calling you names and trying to force you to change to his 'religious ways' is being mentally abusive especially if he is totally dismissing your wants and needs.

You have different paths in life. I think you will both be happier when you are on the ones that are right for yourselves.

If you don't feel comfortable talking to your friends about the problems, remember that we are here. Just keep the questions and such about this relationship in this thread so we can give you the best advice we can. :)

[Just Dahlia]

Thank you Jake2008 and you too Altenweg. I don't have any one to talk to about this and have been dreading it for a while. All my friends are either single or have happy relationships and won't give good advice on the matter.
The funny thing is that he was originally going to break it off with me due to my temperament (I got angry with him often, it was mostly due to his stubborness and being pushy). But we tried to work on it since then. Obviously, we still are having those same problems
I've done some research on control freaks, since you guys mentioned it, and he fits all the symptoms (except not violent physically or mentally abusive, thank goodness). I just feel so dumb not realizing it earlier in our relationship...

This doesn't sound like religion at all. It is control and Mental abuse. Getting pissy because you don't want to have sex every day? Calling you names? Trying to force you into a religion you don't want?

Please get away, it will only get worse and then you might be stuck.
You are good to ask questions. There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with you, just him.

Stand your ground and just break it off.

Please let us know what happens.:)

[Wondergirl]

he just recently wanted to become a preacher

I am a preacher's kid. If being part of a preacher's family is anything like it used to be when I was still living at home, I will tell you to think about this very carefully. The more conservative and strict a church body is, the more the preacher's wife will be held under a magnifying glass. It got to the point where parishioners would drive by our house, slow down, and peer from their cars to look through our front windows or at the laundry hanging on lines in the back yard. (The parishioners themselves told us they did this... ) There were wonderful parts of being a preacher's kid, but it will sometimes be like you live in a fish bowl.

[jls2327]

Well I talked to him tonight, we butted heads again. Him thinking that there's nothing wrong. We are separated for now. If he happens to find the perfect church girl during this time, well that will be OK with me. :) If that happens, I'm thinking about moving away from my current location. It sucks since I actually like the school I'm at, but it's not worth the tension there.
It really hurts right now, because he kept saying how all our fights left him numb. This may be the last time I date anyone.

He came around just after I got out of another emotionless relationship and thought he was my knight in shining armor. He was for a long time, but now, I feel like a used tissue. After looking at my track record, I feel like I'll always find guys that will end up not caring about me anymore and only see me as a object in the house. I spent so many night in tears being so upset and angry. I'm tired of this. I'm done with all of it.

Thank you everyone, I'll keep you posted if anything else happens.

[Wondergirl]

After looking at my track record, I feel like I'll always find guys that will end up not caring about me anymore and only see me as a object in the house.

Feel good about who you are first, so you won't get snowed by any guy. Plus, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.

[BlackVY]

I know this is not a direct answer to the question, but if he is studying to become a preacher, and has become very religious, how is he having pre-marital sex with you and still trying to be all pure and holy? Furthermore, I don't think it says anywhere in the Bible that a person must have sex everyday in order to be in a good relationship, unless he is not trying to be a Christian.

Either way, I think its best you end this relationship, as pushing religion onto someone is not right, and he is doing this. Furthermore, the duties of a preacher's wife are no easy task, and if religion is not for you, I don't see you being able to do it.

Personally speaking, religious differences for me was a huge deal breaker, and when I found my wife, who was a Christian, I believed it was just meant to be.

If he has to force you into believing what he believes, and you have to fight to keep your own beliefs, that's not right. He should realize this and think this is not the relationship God wants for him either.

Anyway, best of luck here, and I hope all goes well when you break the news to him. If possible, don't leave the town or school you are at. Yes I know it might cause some tension for a while with both of you being there, but I don't think you should start a new life because a relationship didn't work, but that's just my opinion. Take care

[jls2327]

The thing is, there really isn't anything keeping me here. I was planning on leaving when I was graduating community college, but I met him and stuck around. It has only been one year at this college and I've made some friends, but they all live in that city, ~3 hours away from where I live. It's still a thought and may still hold out until the end.

He wasn't this bad until recently (then again, I may have had rose-colored glasses on this entire time) and he honestly believes that there is nothing wrong and that I'm reflecting it onto him. I'm just deeply hurt right now and confused. I don't know which end is up. :( It's even worse because now I don't have anyone to go to and cry on...

[Cat1864]

I'm just deeply hurt right now and confused. I don't know which end is up. :( It's even worse because now I don't have anyone to go to and cry on...

It may not mean much, but you have a support system here. If you need to rant, we understand.

As Wondergirl said, you need to feel good about yourself before you can find a healthy relationship.

Do you have any interests or hobbies that help you feel better about yourself? They can be great for keeping your mind and body busy while you heal and then to help you find people with the same interests you have.

[Just Dahlia]

Rant here, Cry here, get better here:D We really do care:)

[talaniman]

Glad you separated from this fellow and hope you make a choice to make it permanent and start doing your own thing, NOT HIS, as a single person, learning to be happy just being you.

Trust me, you will love finding yourself, and just being YOU!

[Semmy12]

Well I think if you really love him, accept him as the way he is. Else, try to convince him. And if you can't afford to compensate with your comfort, dump him.