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Showme_urmove · May 19, 2010, 06:27 PM

I don't know why he will come over when your not home, but when you want him to come over to have dinner all of a sudden he doesn't want to come.. If they are just friends I don't think he should have a problem meeting the husband which is you. But I don't know why he doesn't want to know you, but he just wants to come over while your at work.
Just be on guard cause something is happening in your own front door.

i can be wrong but this is the red flags i see:
1. he lives right across from where you live, but your wife doesn't even bother mentioning him if they are only friends.
2. you told her that you saw both of them in the park but she denies it. Why? Why would she deny that if nothing is going on.
3. she spends all her free time with him while your not around, lots of time spending it on his apartment, but she doesn't even bother letting you know about it.
4. you want to have dinner with him so you can get to know him better, but for some reason your wife said he might not want to come, but he doesn't have a problem coming over while your gone.

I don't know man, but something is not right. I can be wrong, but if they are just friends and only friends why would she hide things from you, and why wouldn't she want you to meet with him?

Just my thoughts!

Kitkat22 · May 19, 2010, 06:36 PM

I don't think I would want my husband visiting another woman if I weren't present. However people are different and if she tells you there is nothing to it except friendship then you need to tell her you don't feel comfortable with her actions. I would go with my feelings on this one.

Has she ever given you any indication she would want someone else? Has she ever been unfaithful? Invite the guy over yourself and then you'll be able to see for yourself if you need to worry. Body language can tell you a whole lot. Good Luck

clickaus · May 19, 2010, 06:42 PM

Hi I didn't actually see them in the park.. I was curious when I couldn't reach her on the phone so I logged into her GPS and tracked her in the vicinity of her apartment, then walking up the street, past the shopping mall where she would usually go then to the park where there are kids playing. When I called her at that moment she just said she was walking on the street to get some fresh air [it was quite cold, almost raining that day], I know GPS are not always so accurate but it shows quite clearly the park. Later on my way home again after several attempts to call her I saw them walking towards the apartment complex. I don't know for sure how many times she catches up with him and after this I am not sure whether she would say. I am upset that she would either not say or make up a story on the understanding that she knows I would be upset. I even made out that I had a vivid dream that I saw her coming out of the complex of his apartment, walking passed the shopping mall and sitting in the park and when I heard the kids playing as I did on the phone I woke up.. no reaction, I asked if she was at that park, no. I am puzzled.

Mommy102808 · May 19, 2010, 06:43 PM

Sounds like you have something to worry about. It wouldn't bother me if a male friend came over to meet my husband if he could come over while my husband was at work. If he is just her friend and they were together in the park or shopping together it wouldn't be a big deal considering they were close enough to be room mates. The problem comes in when she would lie to you about it. I would not have a male friend over while my husband was at work that is not an honest wife. Only an opinion.

Kitkat22 · May 19, 2010, 06:44 PM

Originally Posted by Mommy102808

Sounds like you have something to worry about. It wouldn't bother me if a male friend came over to meet my husband if he could come over while my husband was at work. If he is just her friend and they were together in the park or shopping together it wouldn't be a big deal considering they were close enough to be room mates. The problem comes in when she would lie to you about it. I would not have a male friend over while my husband was at work that is not an honest wife. Only an opinion.

I agree totally.. why would she lie?

clickaus · May 19, 2010, 06:47 PM

Hi KitKat thanks for your reply. She has never given any indication she would want someone else, never been unfaithful, to my knowledge. But she is quite open and friendly and happy to chat to people who want to chat with her.

Kitkat22 · May 19, 2010, 06:55 PM

Originally Posted by clickaus

Hi KitKat thanks for your reply. She has never given any indication she would want someone else, never been unfaithful, to my knowledge. But she is quite open and friendly and happy to chat to people who want to chat with her.

Maybe it's an innocent relationship... lots of women have male friends without having a sexual relationship. She sounds like a nice lady. Give her the benefit of the doubt until you know for sure. What may seem inappropriate to me, may just be a friendship on her part and his.

I would have a talk with him, very calmly and tell him how you feel. Who knows what will happen. Invite him to dinner. If your wife has been true to you.. then you have nothing to worry about. I will add this ,tell him you would rather not have him in your home when you're not there.

clickaus · May 19, 2010, 06:55 PM

I try to talk to her about this and to try to understand why she would make up story, but I can't just say she has lied because the GPS told me different to her story so I am stuck with having to swallow her story about not being in the park or being at his apartment. But I still can see the GPS tracking in my head. I know I shouldn't do that but I need to know.

Kitkat22 · May 19, 2010, 07:00 PM

Originally Posted by clickaus

I try to talk to her about this and to try to understand why she would make up story, but I can't just say she has lied because the GPS told me different to her story so I am stuck with having to swallow her story about not being in the park or being at his apartment. But I still can see the GPS tracking in my head. I know I shouldn't do that but I need to know.

Sit her down and tell her how you feel and tell her you are having these feelings because of her and this guy. Ask her point blank what her feelings are for him. To have peace of mind and trust restored tell her how you know she isn't telling you the truth.

You have to be honest with her in order to find out if she is being honest with you. I see this as the only way to put this to rest. Do it.

Jake2008 · May 19, 2010, 07:03 PM

I'm wondering if you didn't nip this one in the bud.

She has not managed her answers to direct questions very well, and she may not have even asked the friend over for dinner, SHE may have felt too uncomfortable.

Perhaps there was something there between them when they lived together. Maybe just friendship, a brother/sister sort of thing.

Maybe they both had deeper feelings for each other, and remained friends.

What makes me suspicious is that she is very poorly covering up something, that if it were totally innocent, should have taken all of 30 seconds.

I think you should go to his place, and ask him directly to come over for dinner on Friday, and when he does, just tell him you are confused about the amount of time he spends in your home when you are not there. He would hopefully connect the dot that you likely don't like her going to his place either.

Just be straight about it. I'd just ask him, while she is sitting there, if you have anything to worry about, or do either of them have anything to say that you should know?

I would say that if that doesn't put the kybosh on whatever is going on, then you need to have some serious talking with her, preferably with a counsellor involved.

Kitkat22 · May 19, 2010, 07:06 PM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I'm wondering if you didn't nip this one in the bud.

She has not managed her answers to direct questions very well, and she may not have even asked the friend over for dinner, SHE may have felt too uncomfortable.

Perhaps there was something there between them when they lived together. Maybe just friendship, a brother/sister sort of thing.

Maybe they both had deeper feelings for eachother, and remained friends.

What makes me suspicious is that she is very poorly covering up something, that if it were totally innocent, should have taken all of 30 seconds.

I think you should go to his place, and ask him directly to come over for dinner on Friday, and when he does, just tell him you are confused about the amount of time he spends in your home when you are not there. He would hopefully connect the dot that you likely don't like her going to his place either.

Just be straight about it. I'd just ask him, while she is sitting there, if you have anything to worry about, or do either of them have anything to say that you should know?

I would say that if that doesn't put the kybosh on whatever is going on, then you need to have some serious talking with her, preferably with a counsellor involved.

Jake has given you great advice and more eloquently than I ever could I might add. Take her advice.

Mommy102808 · May 19, 2010, 07:25 PM

Your wife's male friend should be fine coming over to meet and have dinner with her husband. I don't think it should be uncomfortable for any of you unless there was something going on behind closed doors. She may just be friends with this man and nothing more but I could be honest with my husband and tell him I went out with a guy friend. I would only lie if I had something to hide.

talaniman · May 19, 2010, 07:50 PM

You don't have a lot of options but you better stop the snooping, and get the truth! You have worked hard to make a compelling case to us, so now you better come clean, tell her what you have done, and also confront her dishonesty.

It might rip things apart, more than likely, but you don't have a healthy marriage, just because you spy on her, justified or not, because she is lying, innocently, or not.

At this point, none of that matters a bit. What does is, putting your cards on the table, and get the truth out. This song and dance has to end. And maybe the marriage too, but any resolution has to start with complete honesty between you.

Kitkat22 · May 19, 2010, 08:20 PM

Don't put it off any longer.. if she is cheating it's better to know now... if she's not then get on with your marriage.

Tell her everything you're feeling and as Tal said ; put your cards on the table.

clickaus · May 19, 2010, 09:08 PM

I would ask him over but I only know the complex he lives in not the number. When she was living there and was seeing her she never once invited me to see where she lived. When I asked her at the time what number are you she said hmm 48 I think. Just to clarify. I don't believe he has been visiting our apartment whilst I am not there. And I cannot be sure exactly how many times she does 'bump' into him.
On one previous occasion she mentioned that she was meeting Kevin for coffee as he was free. As she said, she usually just 'bumps' into him at the shopping mall. How did he communicate this. She uses the iPhone I gave her all the time but I have never seen his number on the phone. She has her old phone which she doesn't use and doesn't carry with her now but it is all in Chinese and I cannot read if anyone has called through this phone. I am unsure how they communicate. The more I ask her about the things that worry me the more I feel I am spoiling the relationship... but I have to know why she makes up these stories... If I hadn't tracked her on the GPS I would be non the wiser of course... but...

Wondergirl · May 19, 2010, 09:25 PM

Originally Posted by clickaus

but I have to know why she makes up these stories...

What stories? It sounds like you are obsessing over something that isn't happening and pushing her into the corner so that she's forced to say what she thinks you want to hear.

You check her phone? Does she know this? If my husband checked mine, he would be gone so fast. We don't open each other's mail, check each other's phone lists or messages, don't listen in on each other's calls, and we each have friends of the opposite sex. It's called trust.

BlackVY · May 19, 2010, 09:30 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

What stories? It sounds like you are obsessing over something that isn't happening and pushing her into the corner so that she's forced to say what she thinks you want to hear.

You check her phone? Does she know this? If my husband checked mine, he would be gone so fast. We don't open each other's mail, check each other's phone lists or messages, don't listen in on each other's calls, and we each have friends of the opposite sex. It's called trust.

For many, personal insecurity causes mistrust...

Kitkat22 · May 19, 2010, 09:59 PM

Originally Posted by BlackVY

For many, personal insecurity causes mistrust...

I agree with BlackVy.. You may just be feeling insecure. Don't read more into this than there is. You will drive her away.

Cat1864 · May 20, 2010, 05:32 AM

How is counseling going? How is the paperwork for her getting permission to get a job going?

You need to stop with the GPS tracking. It isn't healthy for you mentally or emotionally. The ability to 'see' where she (or rather her phone) is at any given time is allowing you to spy on any personal life your wife has. Just because she doesn't answer her phone when you think she should doesn't mean she is having an affair. The phone isn't a leash, is it?

Is she missing China? Is she missing friends and relatives? Is she wanting more than to be a stay-at-home mother and wife? Could a walk in cold, almost raining, air help clear her head of doubts and memories? Is Kevin someone she can talk to about those feelings and will understand who, what, and where she is talking about?

How many other residents of that building are her acquaintances than just Kevin?

As for Kevin and the diner invitation, why not have a small get-together of friends and invite him to that? Less seemingly confrontational than inviting just him over to diner. If she has told him anything about your 'suspicions', then he could very well be worried about meeting you and dealing with an angry husband (whether the husband has any reason to be angry or not.)

Jake2008 · May 20, 2010, 06:56 AM

I agree with many aspects of what Kat is saying.

That is why resolving this one way or the other is so important.

Suspicions lead to behviour to uncover the truth- i.e. the GPS Whether there IS any truth, is yet to be seen.

However, as your wife, she is doing things that aren't exactly forthright. It is very frustraiting to ask somebody something that you know the answer to, and the event itself is denied by her. Sort of leaving you thinking you're losing your mind.

At some point you are going to have to let it go. You can only hit your head on a brick wall for so long. What I recommend is therapy to get to the truth (whatever it is), and work past it, depending upon what is revealed, if anything. That way, the two of you can agree to let it go until your next session, and not drive each other crazy.

It is easy to say just get over it, or forget about it, or let it go. But when you are married and your gut is telling you something isn't quite adding up, you are due an explanation, and she is obligated to be truthful to you. When the impasse happens and you do not believe what she tells you, it is time to have some mediation to sort things out.

Best of luck.