[thadevilsadvocate]

I have been dating her for about 2 1/5 months. I am 27 and she is 25. Things started great... we hit it off really welI... Well am a sexual person and she is as well... and things went went well in that area as well as the majority of everything else. She would surprise me with outfits and "want" me and"need" me and just do little things for me... However in the last couple weeks she hasn't done any of this... both in the sexual part of the relationship, as well as not cleaning her Apt, or just plain not wanting to do anything but sleep and lay around. We had an argument about how she doesn't really do anything anymore as far as surprising me in the sexual area of the relationship or even just the emotional part... basically I kept doing whatever I could to make things fun and interesting... well she said s didn't realize how important the little things were that she did for me... well she said she saw that she was no longer doing anything what so ever... she doesn't really do anything... About a week ago, She went to the store after work and bought an outfit and put it in a gift bag with a card. And lingerie in it... then as she gave it to me... she told me that I wouldn't get it until another night... in my mind I'm like... what the heck? This is a frequent situation because she is always tired or not in the mood... today she teased me all morning and she was going to be going out with friends and getting dressed up... I had to work but she asked if I could drive her. She was all dolled up and said she wants to "take care of me tonight"... instead we get home she undresses and passes out. Basically I am not sure if this is a woman thing... and I'm not sure how to deal with this... keep in mind that its not as though I'm demanding it or that I require it daily... but this is just throwing me off considering especially how early we are in the relationship...

Am I getting screwed here? Is this a sign?

How do I handle this ?

Thanks in advance


... she claims the relationship thing is new to her and that she isn't good at this... but from what it seems... it just appears as though the effort isn't worth it to her... its as though she wants to be treated like a princess but not have to hold up her end of the deal... I am trying to be patient and understanding... but this is throwing me off.

[talaniman]

Maybe the lust has worn off, and there is nothing left. Certainly not some honest communications. Nor developing a bond where communications can happen.

After only 10 weeks, it could be too much, to fast, and now you are crashing and burning.

Do you live together, or apart? What do you do to meet her needs? What are her needs?

[Gemini54]

I sort of feel like you've already 'been there done that' in this relationship, and you've hardly started.

Seems like there has been an intensive focus on sex, outfits and now you want her to 'surprise you sexually and emotionally'... what the heck does that mean?

She may well be a princess but you sound like a prince, and as if you want everything done for you. Why does the relationship have to be a 'deal' where you get the rewards?

Maybe she's just tired and wants to be normal for a change - there is a lot to be said for just talking and getting to know each other as people. It's called communication and it doesn't involve getting your clothes off.

[Lucky098]

Treat her like a princess and don't expect anything back.

Once you stop demanding, you'll soon get what you want.

Her being spontaneious and sexy is a Privilege.. not something to be expected every time. Not every night is going to be Porn Star sex... You need to take the good with the bad and allow her to grow with you. A relationship based on sex is a relationship destine to fail.

Sounds like you need to grow up ;)

[hheath541]

OK, so, you've been together for only a few weeks. I assume, based on what you said, that you started having sex immediately after starting the relationship, if not before. For 2 months, it was constant sex.

Did you ever talk? Do you have idea what's going on in her life right now? Maybe she's menstrual. Maybe a family member died. Maybe she's been having a hard time at work. Maybe she broke a heel two weeks ago and still hasn't gotten over it. Maybe her ceiling fell in and she now has a permanent skylight. Maybe she got attacked by a rabid troop of clowns.

I'm guessing you have NO idea what's going on with her, beyond not wanting to have sex with you. If you're THIS focused on sex THIS early in the relationship, then there's NO way you've taken the time and effort to form a real emotional connection.

Girls are very emotional. By that, I do NOT mean having mood swings, or even having intense emotions. What I mean, is that things like sex depend on their emotions. If she's unhappy or worried or preoccupied or stressed, she's NOT going to be in the mood. It may have nothing to do with you, or may have everything to with you.

Back off. Stop expecting her to have sex with you or spend money on sexy outfits just to please you. It doesn't MATTER what she did for the first two months. What MATTERS is what's going on right now. Sit down. TALK to her. Let HER talk, while YOU listen. Don't mention sex or try to convince her to have sex with you. When, and if, she wants to have sex with you, she'll let you know.

[thadevilsadvocate]

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to respond, but unfortunately, even though I was able to read your responses about a week ago, I wasn't in a location that I could respond. I may have made the mistake of not divulging more information in regards to the relationship prior to asking the question. First let me say that I appreciate all of your responses.

Perhaps what I should have explained is that the frustration goes far beyond this, but it was this that finally got he pot steaming. Basically, she got in to this "phase" I guess you could call it, where she wasn't wanting to do anything. Literally, she didn't want to do anything. She would complain and get stressed about how here apartment was disgusting, and it was, but then not want to clean it. Everyday, she would say she wanted to clean it, but then wake up, lay in bed, do nothing for 5 hours before heading to work, and this would repeat day after day. However, this was the case in all areas of her life. This attitude began to swell over in to how she treated me. She wasn't wanting to show any kind of effort in being any kind of a girlfriend, and would almost intentionally pick fights with me. She would get angry for no reason, and yell and then 10 minutes later call me or come to me and tell me she was sorry and she didn't mean it. It was almost as if every time I either talked to her or saw her, there was a 50/50 chance that I was going to get yelled at or that she was going to be pissed off. She would invite me over, then ask me to do things for her, and then she would lay there in bed or on the couch and watch TV or read, rather than having any kind of conversation with me, and then not even thank me for dinner. It was almost as though she expected it to be done for her... and that bled in to her wanting everything done for her. She would say that she knew she was being weird, but didn't know why and that she was just in a funk.

So, the only thing consistent in the relationship at this point was our sex life. She is the kind of girl that feins off it, and so she consistently wants it. However, it got to the point where she was almost using it in order to get me to do things for her. She would ask me to do anything and everything for her and then tell me "well i gave you sex so can't you do this for me?". She would make it in to a chore, rather than an expression of intmate feelings... and then when she started the teasing and never following through... well it really threw up red flags for me. If everything else in the relationship hasn't gone out of whack, and if she wasn't telling me that I should do things because "she" "gave" me sex... then this wouldn't have been such a big issue in my mind. Someone asked what I have done for her, and the answer is pretty much everything except for lick the toilet bowl clean. I make everyday a new surprise and try to always keep things exciting and interesting. It was almost to the point where there was nothing more I could do... it was becoming one sided. So with that in mind, I could appreciate to hear your thoughts, seriously, and if you still feel the same, then I am perfectly fine with that... but hopefully you'll see my original post was not me being irrational or selfish by any means. Thanks!

[hheath541]

It sounds like she's suffering from moderate to severe depression. Either something in her life triggered it, or it's a chemical imbalance. Either way, it's clearly effecting all aspects of her life negatively. Maybe she should start thinking about going on antidepressants.

You haven't even been together for 3 months, so suggesting she see a therapist to get antidepressants probably wouldn't go over well. Do you know any of her friends well enough to have them talk to her?

As for your relationship, it all depends on you at this point. She's not going to be motivated to do much of anything until the depression is addressed, which includes breaking up with you. Depression is a sneaky condition, in that it often causes the sufferer to lash out at others until they fight back, often with the intent of getting them to reject the sufferer, so that they can feel worse about themselves. The rejection fuels the sadness and apathy and feeling of worthlessness, which leads to more lashing out and more rejection. It's a vicious cycle.

Do you think you're willing and able to deal with a girlfriend with a depressive disorder? It's very possible that this is part of a cycle she goes through every few months, and you just weren't around for the last about.

[Homegirl 50]

You guys were about a toe into a relationship and you're having sex and living together. Do you talk or know anything about each other?

Sounds like she may be depressed and because you two don't really know each other, she may not talk to you about it.
Is this your place or hers? If it's hers maybe you should move out and then you two can maybe start over or just step back.
This was all really fast.

[Cat1864]

i make everyday a new surprise and try to always keep things exciting and interesting. It was almost to the point where there was nothing more I could do...it was becoming one sided.

I agree that she may have some problems with depression. All of this happening as fast as it has leaves me wondering if she has a history of getting involved quickly and then falling apart. Do you know anything about her past relationships?

However, I also think that you are trying too hard. You need to back off some and let the relationship find some even ground. Trying to make every day a new surprise' leads to unrealistic expectations in a relationship. I think on some level you are beginning to learn that lesson when you say 'It was almost to the point where there was nothing more I could do.'

I am almost going to bet that you haven't seen much of your friends since you started dating her. Make plans with people you have been ignoring. Take some off time for at least one night have some laughs with other people. Take care of yourself.

[talaniman]

Her depression, or whatever it is, has nothing to do with your dignity, and self respect.

[Lucky098]

People who crave sex and live their relationship through the sex part of it aren't very happy people.

She sounds depressed.. Depressed to the point of needing to go see a doctor about her condition.

Dealing with people who are depressed is very hard and sometimes you just want to give up and walk away. But seriously, you're all she has right now. Be there for her.. Console her.. Help her get help.. Don't get pissed because you can't get laid anymore.

Grow up dude.. This girl is screaming for help and you're worried about the fact that she doesn't put out as much as before... Geez...

[thadevilsadvocate]

OK, I can do without the "sounds like you need to grow up" statements. I am appreciative of all the other advice, input, and criticism, however, I feel as though this has nothing to do with me needing to grow up. I think I have shown that by, 1.) bringing this discussion to the this site to share with all of the members and to get the input and feedback from the members, 2.) I could have left as soon as all of this started, but instead I decided that I wanted to try to make every effort to attempt to understand what is going on in her head and hopefully find a solution, 3.) This clearly isn't about the sex, and anyone who takes the time to read the two posts I have already posted, could understand that, when it reached a point in which sex was the only consistent thing in the relationship, almost instantaneously and for no clear reason, this threw up red flags... and then when that began to fade as well and started to become something that she "gave" to me, and she began to use almost as a bargaining tool, rather than it being a passion that we both shared and used to express emotions towards one another, then this threw up even more red flags.

So to assume that I need to grow up, and that I'm concerned simply with the sex as an act of lust, rather than an expression of passion and feeling, seems quite shallow considering the circumstances. As I feel I have demonstrated, I am interested in trying to understand the situation at hand, rather than turn and run from it, or stand an point fingers. Depression is an idea that had crossed my mind, however, I am not a doctor, and therefore was not going to jump to any conclusions. I do not feel comfortable bringing that up to her, at least not this early on. I feel that is only respectful. It is something that she brought up in conversation a couple of times, in which she said that other people had mentioned to her that they thought she may be depressed, but she shunned the idea immediately.

As for living arrangements, we live separately.

[Cat1864]

As I feel I have demonstrated, I am interested in trying to understand the situation at hand, rather than turn and run from it, or stand an point fingers. Depression is an idea that had crossed my mind, however, I am not a doctor, and therefore was not going to jump to any conclusions. I do not feel comfortable bringing that up to her, at least not this early on. I feel that is only respectful. It is something that she brought up in conversation a couple of times, in which she said that other people had mentioned to her that they thought she may be depressed, but she shunned the idea immediately.

As for living arrangements, we live separately.

As long as you continue to not feel comfortable bringing up depression and think that it is being respectful to ignore the problem there won't be a later to bring it up in. It stopped being too soon when she started bringing it up.

She probably does seem to shun the idea. It can be sign of depression that the person brings it up, but 'acts' like that help is the last thing he/she needs. At the same time she may be mentally begging you to agree and encourage her to see a professional. She is probably afraid of being seen as weak or crazy. Let her know that getting help makes her stronger and there is nothing crazy about being depressed. It usually is a very treatable chemical imbalance.

Right now, you are sitting in a burning house hoping the fire goes out on its own. Someone needs to call the fire department before the house is completely engulfed and there isn't anything including the relationship left to save.

[talaniman]

Sometimes we get so very confused when our ideas of love and sex is different than another's.

We assume that when someone says I love you, they mean what you think it means, by your own standards, values and perspective.

The same with sex, as just because for you it is an expression of love and caring, for her it might just be something to do, to further her own ends.

The bottom line is it takes a very long time to understand the language and meaning of another person, and they learn you at the same time.

I guess that's why we humans have so many relationship adventures, because after making attachments with each other, its so hard to realize we may not click together so well, and what to do is confusing, and conflicting.

Two or three months of dating, in my opinion is not that long to know some one that well as to know their deeper thoughts on things, especially when the physical comes so early, fast, and furious. That's what I feel is going on now with you as the lust and newness is waning and your starting to see beyond each others bodies, and into the mind.

Happens all the time, when those intense feelings of first attractions get us caught up, and carried away.

Sort of waking up in a strange bed, with a strange person, after a drunken night of partying, you shake your head and say what happened??

[thadevilsadvocate]

Cat I appreciate your input and I now have a better understanding of the damge that could be cause by me avoiding addressing the situation. I will need to consider how I would like to approach the situation, but it is something I will be doing some serious thinking about over the next few days.


Tal, I do agree with the possibility that sex to her is just a means to an end, and that is something worth putting up for discussion with her. Much like the "physical touch" language, in "The Five Love Languages", whereas even though in the beginning she said and showed that she was a sexual person, perhaps that was a thin outer lining.