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Larken85 · Apr 19, 2010, 04:23 AM

Threads merged

Just wondering and fearing. There is a possibility that my relationship may end soon here. This is going to (and pretty much already is by just the possibility of it) rip me to pieces. I am so scared of it and if it happens I don't know if I can even endure it. I am not going to give the reasons behind the possibility (as they were in all of the other posts) and the other is a little embarrassing. My question is this, how long is it going to take for me to heal? I love her more than life itself and honestly I feel like I will be nothing without her. I feel like I am standing on this edge looking over a cliff, every moment I lean just a little more forward. When I look down I can invision myself plunging to the ground and being crushed by it so much so that no one could put the pieces back together. There is a chance the wind will not blow me off the ledge but there is a chance it will. I am super scared of this. But if it does happen, how long will I suffer?

amicon · Apr 19, 2010, 04:50 AM

Sometimes we just have to walk away even though its heartbreaking.

If that's what you're planning on doing,you have to stay focused and should go no contact and stick to it.

There is great advice in the stickies and you have us, your cyber supportgroup.
We're not all in the same timezone so mostly somebody will be online to offer help and guidance.

As for your question,I can't tell you how long it will take.

We are all different and it just takes the time it takes.

Personally ,but that's me,it has taken me between two and six months.

Working actively on healing is a must,as,in my opinion,is no contact-a detox and eventually a fresh start and a new life.

Larken85 · Apr 19, 2010, 07:02 AM

amicon, you're right. I am not planning on walking away but if the worst happens I am going to. I can't stand the relationship to take another bad turn. This is just the last try you know, if what I am fear does happen, there is nothing left for me to do but leave. I hate it, but I also know that I have to do it if that were to happen.

I know it'll kill me but I just don't even know how to survive without her. I won't hold on to the relationship if it should happen. (ok I got to explane I guess.) She is thinking that she is going to lose her apartment and if she does she is going to move back to her home state, Florida. I just told her that I am not moving down there, even if she goes I can't bring myself to do that type of thing again. I told her that I am not willing to move from my home state again.

That maybe I would later in life but I couldn't even promise her that my mind will change at all. I told her that she has to think about the fact that I may never be willing to move there and that if that is something that is a deal breaker she has a choice to make. I am not being stubborn, I love her, but if we were to move there and she left me, I would have nothing, I would have no one and no where to go. I just can't take that risk.

She has yet to tell me what she thinks about all that, but the point is the same. There is a 50/50 chance that this might happen, and if it does, I know I won't last with a long distance relationship with her because at the moment we have been far too volitile. Add distance to that and its just not going to work. Besides I need touch, I need time. These are things that would always be lacking. And there is no way in heck I am marrying a person that doesn't even live in the same state as me.

Am I being too bullheaded about moving? She told me she would never ask me to leave my family again, though she would want me to come with her. I just can't leave this state, I love it so much and I have no clue whether I would even like Florida, let alone love it.

I guess that is where this thread was going to lead... I can see her point too though. Her kids dad is down there and the trips to meet half-way are super expensive not to mention a huge pain in the rear. Plus their dad would get to see them more and vise versa. And lastly all of her foster family lives there, and I know she would want to live there again. The reason she moved her in the first place was just a stupid one at that, but she wants to stay and stay with me too. But with no where to go, she doesn't have much of a choice. This is why it would have been better for me to have had my own place...

Guess we wrote our own death warrents for this relationship. This relationship has become for too much of a challenge to add distance to the mix. I love her but I can't be frustrated 24/7 and certainly not in an unfamiliar place at that.

God this just sucks so bad. I stop giving her cash and she can't foot the rent. Now she is going to have to leave state. I can't win.

My biggest worry though, is that I am going to die a long, painful, lonely death filled with years and years of pure misory...

JoeCanada76 · Apr 19, 2010, 07:22 AM

You can not win because you keep defeating yourself.

It is all in your out look and your only out look depends on somebody that does not even care for you.

Stop paying the rent, it is up to her to start taking care of herself and you need to take care of yourself as well.

She needs to stop relying on your own paycheck, when she is quite capable of making her own money but does not want to because she thinks she will get less cash out of the government.

Your making your life miserable all on your own for excepting this behavior and staying in an arrangement relationship that is going no where.

STOP being so dependent on somebody else for your happiness. Maybe your just addicted to sadness, because that is all your focused on and that is all your going to get until you change your attitude.

slapshot_oi · Apr 19, 2010, 07:22 AM

Originally Posted by Larken85

amicon, you're right. I am not planning on walking away but if the worst happens I am going to. . .

What might that be? Cheating?

I speak for myself, but when I'm the one to cut ties, it's a little easier on my ego and I can recover faster, but not much faster. The real benefit of being the dumper is that I'll have proof that I am strong enough to act when things go south; it's better for my ego in the long-run. I've found that my average time-line to heal is nine months no matter how long the relationship lasted. Obviously, I can't tell you yours, but it's the best answer I could give.

Anyway, with all this negative energy you have about the relationship, you can bet she feels the same way. Trying to save this one will be an uphill battle. The right thing to do would be to walk away like amicon said.

talaniman · Apr 19, 2010, 07:29 AM

Just because the chapter in your life seems to be ending, doesn't mean another is not coming.

I don't see you as losing. Just making the necessary adjustments for yourself. Never be afraid to do that.

jmjoseph · Apr 19, 2010, 03:33 PM

If there were a "matters-of-the-heart" doctor, that could write a prescription for your happiness, that doctor would probably let it work out that she leaves, and you go on to find love elsewhere.

I'm sorry, but this is not getting you anywhere fast.

Love should not be as hard as this.

As far as the "mourning" period, that varies from person to person. But I can tell you that life does go on.

Who knows what you will be doing one, three, five years down the road? You can be, and do whatever you wish to be, and do. If you want to be miserable, then that is a shame, and a terrible waste of time. But if you want to be happy, and stay happy, then go find it.

Not many people are so lucky to keep the first love in their lives. Yes, it does happen, but more times than not, we revisit love time and time again before we find the one we eventually marry.

My Daddy taught me a long time ago, "If it don't fit, don't force it."

Good luck to you.

Homegirl 50 · Apr 19, 2010, 03:43 PM

Dude you are being way too dramatic.
I think this is the best thing for you, this is the answer to your dilemma and I think you know this.
This lady is going where it will be easy. You are showing some brawn and she knows her cash cow may be drying up. She is looking out for herself.
You will soon be free to heal and move on with your life and the longer she is gone the more you are going to realize how trapped you were.
I see good times and happiness for you

friend4u178 · Apr 19, 2010, 04:41 PM

Originally Posted by Larken85

God this just sucks so bad. I stop giving her cash and she can't foot the rent. now she is going to have to leave state. I can't win.

So you can't afford to keep her and she's just going to scoot off , doesn't the relationship mean enough to her to get off her Butt and get a Job , certainly doesn't sound like it? Sorry for being cynical but I think this is her attempt to blackmail you into giving her money for the rent again , I could be wrong but don't fall for it.

Originally Posted by Larken85

My biggest worry though, is that I am going to die a long, painful, lonely death filled with years and years of pure misory...

You'll be fine , it'll hurt for a while but I honestly believe it's worth this hurt so you can get your life on track and then down the line you'll meet someone you can have a functional Relationship with.

And don't forget we'll all be here to help you through it Larken.

Lucky098 · Apr 19, 2010, 05:58 PM

You have every right to fear moving into a different state with someone. If the relationship is shaking on rocks in the first place, things need to be fixed before a long-term commitment is going to be made.

Why is her only option to move back to Fl. Do you not matter? Why can't the two of you figure something out? If she loved you, she wouldn't dangle that in front of you as a threat. There are other apts in your area I'm sure... why does she need to move if she loses this one?

Everything just seems so wrong when you talk about this relationship. You love this girl. I can see it in how you write.. but she's also got you by the balls tight.

If you're paying her bills, how is she losing the apt? Did you not just recently decide not to pay her rent? Sorry, but you don't lose your home after one pmt not being made.

This relationship is way to confusing. She's trapping you. She's smothering you and now she's threatening you.

I think the ball should be in your court, not hers. Its her decision to move back home... but you should be a deciding factor in that, not an apt. How shallow is that?

Maybe she needs to leave. She needs to go latch onto someone else and let you be free. Stop suffocating yourself!

hungtoronto · Apr 19, 2010, 06:17 PM

What she's saying is you can't afford me and if you want this relationship to work, you better have enough money to support me and my kids and I don't care how you do it.

You can keep giving her money but you know darn well that this relationship is not sustainable long term unless you won't the lottery or something.

I suggest next time taking thing slower and know what you get yourself into. If you listen to Jlo. True Love is not suppose to cost a thing.

Love Don't Cost A Thing Lyrics

Think you got to keep me iced
You don't
Think Im going to spend your cash
I won't
Even if you were broke
My love don't cost a thing
Think I want to drive your benz
I don't
Think I want to floss I got my own
Even if you were broke
My love don't cost a thing

When you rolled up in the escalade
Saw that truck you gave to the valet
Knew that it was game when you looked at me
Pulling up your sleeve so I could see the rolley bling
Saw you later in the corner booth
Raising up a toast so I would notice you
But your hearts a mess
Think you out of know
Doesn't matter if you're balling out of control

2 - all that matters is
That you treat me right
Give me all the things I need
That money can't buy yeah

Repeat 1

When I took a chance
Thought you'd understand
Baby credit cards aren't romance
So you're tryna buy what's already yours
What I need from is not available in stores
Seen a side of you that I really feel
Doing way too much, never keep it real
If it doesn't change, got to hit the road
Now Im leaving, wheres my keys?
Ive got to go

Larken85 · Apr 19, 2010, 07:53 PM

I have to say I really hate Jlow, sorry lol. Reason we're losing the apartment is because I used all of my money on me and she used all of her money to transsport her kids to see their dad over spring break. It means that we are one full month late on the rent and we are waiting for my money and her money to come back in. We have figured out that we can make it, even though we are going to be strapped for cash for the next two months... I know I know...

JoeCanada76 · Apr 19, 2010, 08:35 PM

You keep blaming yourself for this... Yep your to blame because you are the one that continues to be suckered.

talaniman · Apr 19, 2010, 08:45 PM

You mean after all that gloom and doom talk, and everyone actually being happy for you, you still are waiting to get some money to help her out? Unbelievable! This will happen again dude, for sure. She will keep you broke.

Lucky098 · Apr 19, 2010, 09:59 PM

So when did you actually stop helping her out financially?

After everything is said and done, whether you both get the pmt in on time or not... She is still threatening to leave you completely by moving back to FL if she loses the apt.

In other words, she's not going to try and make it work if everything falls apart.

Why do you want to be with someone like that?

Seriously, you deserve the pain if you're going to be this blind!

Larken85 · Apr 19, 2010, 10:45 PM

Wow hold on, she isn't threatening to leave me completely, she won't have much of a choice. Of course I would get another place and then she'd just move in before I'd let her just go back to FL. She doesn't want to go back to FL and she needs my help to stay. She doesn't make enough money to do it on her own and I am willing to provide her with what she needs. I stopped giving her money a few weeks ago, but now am regretting it because it was a very bad time to do so. So I am going to help her keep her place for the next two months and then it is up to her. Two months out of my life isn't that much to help someone I love even if she is the main cause of stress in my life.

She isn't just saying it to get money out of me either, she honestly needs the help here and I am going to help her as I feel a slightly to blame for her current position. She is going to pay me back when she can get ahold of her dad and tap into her annuity. (her foster dad that is in really bad shape with cancer). Another reason that going back to Florida isn't the worst thing in the world to her.

And she wants to try and work it out if she does move down and I don't right away, she wants to try the long distance relationship if we have nothing else we can do (of course I wouldn't be sending her a dime on a normal basis.) But that's where I draw the line, if she moves down there its over because I do not want a long distance relationship. And I am not willing to move down to FL at this junction in my life. That's all there is to it and she is going to be crap out of luck if she does move down there because I will leave her and I told her that clear as day.

She is trying her off to figure out a way to pay all the bills and rent and I am helping but there is only so much I can do for her. She is demanding that I do not pay my mother rent though and that is ticking me off as my mother already wants me out and I'm sure I shouldn't push her buttons. She suggested that I stay with a friend of mine but I said why not let me move in?

Gave me the same old Jack story and all that. I donno if I can say let me move in or get no more of my money and that includes rent this month. I know I should say that and if I were a real man I would, but christ its so hard to put her in that position for me. I just hate making her make chioices she isn't ready to make... So frustrating. But I did have to defend her a bit, she isn't as heartless as I have made her seem to be. She is greedy and spoiled rotten, but she is not an evil using sadistic person. She just needs to grow up a bit.

She didn't like when I told her she needed to grow up but I'm hoping she took it to heart. Anyway, that's what it is and I'm not arguing with anyone, I just wanted to make sure that every knows she isn't just doing this for her own sick pleasure. She honestly feels like everything that has happened has had to happen. Though I disagree with her on that, I have to be willing to accept her for who she is if this is ever to work.

JoeCanada76 · Apr 19, 2010, 10:51 PM

One excuse after another. It will never be a good time to grow some balls.

SHE NEEDS TO HELP HERSELF.

She will never help herself and no she is not trying. Lots of changes then from a couple of days.

Sorry but whatever it is as others have said is toxic and your blind and you can not see that your enabling and prolonging everything.

Your choice, good luck.

Lucky098 · Apr 19, 2010, 11:07 PM

I thought she didn't have a job?

I thought you couldn't afford her life style?

I thought she was still connected with her ex due to a dog?

I thought you were going to cut her off from your money?

Seems like she got everything she wanted. You broke. She threatened to you with leaving to FL and look, your peeling off the benjamins claiming that you want to help her.

You're either with her or your not. You're either her sugar daddy, or your not. Stop shifting from one side to the other. Its confusing.

She said she was going to move back to FL if she lost the apt. That doesn't sound to me like she is wanting to work things out with you, or find an apt within her budget.

Stop making excuses for the both of you.

Larken85 · Apr 19, 2010, 11:26 PM

You're right lucky. I should just shut up and deal with this the best way I know how. Going back and forth like this is just abusing this advice forum. I will figure it out and deal with it the best way I know how. Thanks for all of your advice everyone.

Lucky098 · Apr 20, 2010, 12:03 AM

I don't mean to sound rude or be disrespectful in any way, but if your as confusing with her like you are on here, then you're definitely sending a lot of mixed signals.

You pulled back all your money from her, she can't financially support herself, she says she's going to move back to fl, now you're going to help her out?? Who just won that battle? Her!

Its not a case of making it work on your own, you need to be in a relationship where she respects you just as much as you respect her. Its unbalanced right now. You can't let her go, so you gave in and are giving out your money again. Why not look for a new apt that she can afford. If she needs help every once in awhile, that's fine. Just don't pay her bills month after month. She may not be abusing you on purpose, but she is definitely taking great advantage of your hospitality and trust.

Maybe you need to go back and read all your posts. Not the comments people left with their opinion or advise, but what you wrote. Maybe read it a couple times. Maybe you'll realize that she's not the best match for you. Maybe you'll realize you need to approach things differently. Maybe you won't realize anything.

Life is nothing but hard knocks, but only if you let it. You can save just about any relationship... it all comes down to tactic, and if the other person is willing. If she wants to leave you to move to fl once the apt is gone, then I truly am sorry. She didn't deserve you in the first place. It just doesn't sound like she wants to make this work. The lease drops and she's gone? Aren't you a bit concerned that she's even thinking like that?? I know I would be devistated knowing the only thing keeping someone I love and care for deeply around is an apt lease.

And once again, sorry if I come off as being a jerk.