[amicon]

You need to forgive yourself for your past 'bad behaviour',plate throwing etc.

And any relationship where any kind of substance abuse or frequent overindulging in the same,plays a big part,is a big NO NO.

Listen to your head which is telling you that you should leave.

You forgive yourself,get on with your therapy and heal.

By the way,I like the way you are helping others out by posting your advice on theis threads-well done!

[racquel58]

I trivialize my issues in therapy, not because I don't want to change. But because I feel they are stupid. I feel I am insecure about myself, and its stupid. Body image issues are dumb. *I* SHOULD know what to do. And I don't. And I'm stupid. The way he has behaved are normal and MY FAULT and so in therapy I am more likely to say that *I* need to change so that HE can be OK and HIS behaviour will change.

There are people that go to therapy with REAL issues. Mine are just trivial garbage that I SHOULD know how to deal with (particularly body image issues).

I did say I went to therapy to stop my abusive ways. I blamed ME! I took responsibility. I knew *I* had to change.

Its hard to explain. I'm trying not to write too much but I can't seem to articulate what I feel about the situation and why I stay.

[racquel58]

That's the thing, I can't seem to forgive myself! The therapist can say it's a 'reaction' to being controlled which is quite normal. Yet, I come off as the abuser. I don't want to be the abuser. And me being the abuser trivializes the way he treated me. Therefore I am more forgiving of him and angry with myself.

[amicon]

This time,you start your therapy by allowing yourself to be honest about your true feelings-never mind him.

Therapy is about working on understanding whe we are and hopefully healing-its not about changing in order to get people's approval.

[racquel58]

I guess I feel a bit rich forgiving myself for the things that I have done (throwing plates, breaking up)... but yet not forgiving his behaviour...

anyway, I can't wait to go to therapy again. It's a months waiting list though =o(

In therapy I did say my true feelings, even when I felt I sounded like an absolute idiot. Just not to the extent I felt it. I think this time I will just pour it out... hopefully I can

[dynocompe]

You sound like the greatest girlfriend alive and there is no way that guy deserves you!!

[amicon]

I suggest you stop measuring yourself against other people and their actions/reactions.

It's not about them,it's about you.

Once you find selflove and selfrespect,none of those people will matter.

[racquel58]

I can't wait for my therapist session. I used to just think 'you're so young and silly, it'll work itself out' I was 17-20 then. I have wasted 6 years now. Same cycle (no matter how stupid it all sounds to others- i.e. body image stuff) its still important because it's affecting me big time. Even if it's stupid. I pay them $200 an hour, their job is to not judge, listen and help.

I have been thinking about the physically abusive relationship. And thinking maybe I am abusive and pushed him to act that way? Maybe I'm just mad. Either way I'll explain this is therapy and work it out. If I am an abuser. I want to stop.

That relationship started really fast. Oh puppy love! So great! We soon became isolated from friends (bad, I know) and I always blamed me for it. Don't know why. I know it was MY fault that I isolated myself. BUt I thought maybe I isolated him too! He would tell me I was the best thing that ever happened. I saved him. He was suicidal before me. Couldn't live without me. I really loved that, but felt scared at the same time. We would spend heaps of time at his friends at first. I didn't love it but accepted it. And they would make comments like about my ex like 'do you remember what you did with Sally that night! ' everone would laugh and not tell me the 'joke'. I guess they were quite derogotory to girls (we were only 17/18 though). My ex seemed different though, was a virgin, hated strippers and wouldn't go in. He stopped going out with his friends, saying he didn't like it. He used to just go quiet and go missing and they would spend all night looking for him.

When we would go out, the mood would just change. We would be all lovey dovey then he would often find a particular waitress/ bar maid/ customer/ girl at party, and keep making eye contact with her. Miss what I was saying when I was talking. I know, guys look at girls. That's fine. But it was CONSTANTLY looking back, get nervous in front of them, follow them around the room, leave me at the party on my own while he followed the girl (I know, he doesn't have to be attached to my hip all the time though!) I used to go to his house and sit alone while he played his compueter games. I made the most of that and played on another compueter to make it a couples thing. But if I would go over to join him he would have chats open and just close them quickly, look back and make sure I wasn't looking to open them again. It only made me suspiscious when he would close them. We would talk/ see each other every day about a year into the relationship. Then suddenly I couldn't get hold of him for a few days at a time. I know, I shouldn't be worried etc. But it was like we were do close, then nothing. Phone would ring out. I just tried to back off and not stress.

He got obsessed with this gas station. At first I thought nothing of it. But it was a gas station and we would detour to get to his house from mine so we could drive past it. He would drive past and keep looking at it. Like he was looking for something (not the price though, that was straight ahead and obvious). EVERY day we would go past at least once or twice. He would talk about it often. I went in one day with him, though he tried to make me stay in the car, and he completely ignored what I was saying while we were in line at the counter. Could not take his eyes off the girl there, and just acted different... maybe I was jusyt crazy!

We used to fight about it a lot. I just felt I didn't exist in public with him. I tried to shrug it off but would get jealous. Which I kept trying to fix at counselling. The fights would escalate and he would get angrier. First kicking a hole in a door, then punching them all down (he only had a few doors left in his house), then throwing things around, pushing me around, throwing things at me, yelling in my face, restraining me on the bed, telling me I was crazy/ insane, driving recklessly, threatening to kill himself and me, locking me in rooms while he was ranting and raving. I finally left and got many suicide notes, was stalked, he tried to commit suicide, said it was my fault. His family agreed. Tried to get me into therapy WITH him. I wouldn't do it. He promised to change. I still wouldn't go back. Then he would say he is going on a long driv hopefully to die and punch windows through and say its all my fault etc.

I can't help thinking maybe I was emotionally abusive and pushed him to be this way through stressing about the way he was around other girls. Maybe all guys are like that and I needed to get over it. Maybe I imagined it (though my friends did actually point it out a few times to me).

[amicon]

Abusers erode your selfesteem.
They twist the truth and have you believe you're the bad guy.

Emotional blackmail,such as threatening suicide,is but another form of abuse.

I think your therapy will be worth every penny you pay them.

[talaniman]

That's the first thing abusers do is break you down, and have you believe that its you who deserve bad treatment, as they must have total control. You did well to break that control.

Healing is so hard, but your on a good path, and I admire your instinct, and the way you follow them to heal yourself.

I have also watched you on other posts you have made here, and one thing that's apparent is you love yourself enough to share that love unselfishly, and are far from stupid by any means.

You just made a mistake at a weak time in your life, (as we all do ) and gave that unselfish love to the wrong person.

So forgive yourself, just because you deserve it. >cyber hug<

[racquel58]

Thanks for your words, they are very true. And is so needed that cyber hug!

I thought things were getting better.
I haven’t been spending AS MUCH time with him. He got angry said I was pulling away. I explained I was really stressed with my life transitions, moving and lack of job and upcoming interviews and he didn't accept it. Said I should be telling him more about my issues in life. I said I didn’t want to. Usually I do but he says I am ‘using’ him for support.

I said its too much pressure right now for me. The relationship is dragging me down too much.

He said ‘fine, now I can get on with my life and stop putting things off for you.’ He said he stays away from jobs involving music (because I used to get insecure as he had told me he may meet someone else with his passion and decide to leave me. This was 3 years ago now).

I never told him or insinuated that he can't take those jobs and follow his dream career! I just expressed how those words hurt me.

I feel guilty again. He says that’s not his intention but he does make those sacrifices for me, even though I never asked for them and I encourage those career moves.

He also wrote me this AMAZING song. He is so talented. It could be released and be really famous. Talking about how a piece of him left when I left him the first time (2 years ago). Its really heart-wrenching and it really sounds sincere and would have taken so much time.

But I feel, if he did love me that much then wouldn’t he have stopped his controlling ways. In the past year he has been better. But things that he has said like the fact he DID think negatively of me in the past but accepting of me now. Feels like a backhanded insult.

-Making me feel guilty for going back on my word and
saying he is too scared to ask me things because I always say no (I know I don't!)


Accusing me of having low libido when I wouldn’t sleep with him for this long. Saying if I loved him I wouldn’t reject him and its not fair on him. Now he says I am taking it the wrong was as he was ‘asking out of concern for me’

They all feel like controlling behaviours, yet I can't tell if I am just being overly sensitive to abusive behaviour NOW! I know that past behaviour was. But I don't know about more recently.

Is it possible for someone to write such a beautiful sincere song and yet still carry on being abusive? Its such a grand gesture that I feel I owe him another chance. I am so torn again! What if no one ever loves me that much again. Then at the same time I think 'why should a song change everything'. Especially when (I think) his later behaviours (some listed above) are also controlling.

having an amazing song written about them/ for them is every girls dream. I feel like a cow for thinking that its some sort of manipulation... like part of the cycle of abuse.

I'm sorry my explanations ae so long I just don't want to miscontrue things. I understand if people don't read them!


I edited it 3 times to try cut it down! Lol! Sorry! On a positive note- I finally got a new job =o)

[amicon]

Congrats on your job,great news!

Writing beautiful songs doesn't turn anyone into a loving,caring sympathetic person.

He is still the manipulative, controlling emotional abuser he has always been.

Stop it with the guilt trip.
Stop it with the hoping he will change.

Look forward to your new job,your therapy and a new life.

Here's another <cyber>!

[talaniman]

Congrats Raquel, on the new job, and I suspect you have been more independent lately. That's a plus if I am right.

[Romefalls19]

Congrats! See there is always a bright light at the end of a dark tunnel

[racquel58]

Thank you for the congrats! And the cyber hug! =oD I'm a fan of those!

Yep Taliniman I have been more independent and I think that's part of the reason that he has stressed out and 'turned the tables' with the song.

Amicon, that is what my gut tells me! I still feel if I go back then things may be fine for a while and they will go back to being abusive. Myself esteem was getting better, now after this I can feel it going down again and my heart feels heavy. Its playing at my heart strings again. Someone that loves you wouldn't try to evoke those feelings in you I guess! I wouldn't!

and you know what? He was the same when I first met him. Could turn on the charm. Talk the sensitive talk, do the sensitive, concerned walk and yet he still managed to hurt me. He was VERY caring with others and very insensitive with me at times.

He is very aware of abusive behaviours and can point them out in other people. Yet acts so oblivious with his own abusive behaviour and always has excuses.

Even telling me about all his 'sacrifices' (which I later found were actually because he didn't have the qualifications/ avility to survive on the money), is him blackmailing me again. And I'm allowing him too.

Damn, what is wrong with me! Why can't I just let go. Realise what I have. And just go get my own life that I want and deserve. Enough is enough

[talaniman]

Don't beat yourself up (to bad any way) as I think as we all learn, and grow, we start finding better ways to handle the reality we face called life. Its not that easy to grow, and build, and its quite challenging to pick our path, especially after what seems so long that we have been floating along, going with the flow.

Your on a good building path, so just keep going, and see where it leads, and keep the head up, so you can see down the road, and make some adjustments. Just look at what you have been through, my gosh, that was no accident you got through it, you did that, for you, so you know you have what it takes to get through anything!!

The key of life for me, enjoy the journey!

[amicon]

You can and you will.

Once you get your confidence back 100%,you'll look back on this and wonder what on earth possessed you.


Have you checked out various personality disorders online?

I can't stick a label on this guy-but I am of the opinion that there is something seriously wrong with him.

[jmjoseph]

Glad to hear that things are looking up for you.

As far as the boyfriend, think of him in the past tense and move forward.

He is a user. They write movies about guys like him.

God bless.

[racquel58]

I guess when you're actually in it, and have a conscience like me, then you can't see the wrong he is doing anymore.

Particularly with the last stuff I wrote about him saying he put his life on hold for me, I can't tell if it's controlling or not anymore. I thought it was. But I saw my Psych and she said it wasn't. And "well, at least he is trying to change. Maybe you should look at that." and now. I'm back to being confused. I thought seeing a Psych again would help everything! She is the one who pointed out how controlling he was before.

[racquel58]

It's weird. Because I went for abusive men, she told me I should stop going for what's 'comfortable', because people mistake comfort for love when used to abuse.

Yet, I feel uncomfortable around him and can't sleep with him. It makes me feel sick. Yet, I feel I should because of the wrongs I have done (plate throwing etc.) But can't bring myself to do so. I feel like I should let go of the hurt and anger because I'm not perfect and I need to forgive his imperfections. And somehow forget about past hurts (I can forgive, but not forget- and not want to trust again).

Yet, I do feel comfortable with him. I try make more friends and hand out with old friends more, but there is one of my best friends that keeps telling my new friends (as a joke) about the stupid things I did when drunk- plate throwing, lashing out etc. And its annoying! I don't want people to get that view of me straight away! Im not that person, Just stupid things I have done. I've asked her to stop but she thinks its funny and I should 'lighten up'. She's given me a nickname after it therefore explains the reason to EVERYONE.

Its like I can't escape the guilt. And with Psychs saying he is 'trying to change' and that I'm ignoring it, it makes it harder.

Even if he HAS changed, I don't know how to get over the trust obstacle! People get over cheating all the time! Why can't I get over it and a few mean words!