[Wildcat21]

People Want What They Can't Have!

Always.

If you ever want her back act indifferent

[Skell]

And why would you want to act to get someone back? It shouldn't be an act!

Geoff post was brilliant. Listen to him. He knows.

It will set you back and you are holding onto false hope still. That's what we do. I did it, geoff did it, everyone we see come here does it. You are no different. We just have to beat it out of you like we have the others. You will see soon enough and pretty soon you'll be beating it out of newbies that come here with the same false hope you have!

[JDOP]

I thought about this for a very very long time, and I talked about it with many people and I still am mixed up about the whole thing. I haven't replied so far. I know I am holding on to false hope. I still have feelings for her I guess. By false hope I mean the tiny possibility that all the things I heard are are in fact all gossip.
The thing that strikes me though, is that all the things wildcat etc. predicted here become reality. For example no contact as a mean to make her miss(?) (contact) you. Is the human psyche really that predictable?

[rol]

Right now you are in control jdop, doesn't that feel good?

<<Is the human psyche really that predictable?>>

Human psyche , maybe...
But girls definitely! ;-)
So don't reply! Wait for her to contact again.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Right now you are in control jdop, doesnt that feel good??

<<Is the human psyche really that predictable?>>

human psyche , maybe ...
but girls definitely!! ;-)
so dont reply! wait for her to contact again.

Take it from Rol, she knows how the female brain works because she is one. She is also a very wise lady from some of the advice she gave me in the past...

[JDOP]

human psyche , maybe ...
but girls definitely!! ;-)

You're not really flattering yourself are you :)

It doesn't feel like I'm in charge though, and it certainly doesn't feel good.

[rol]

Ha ha I'm not really , am I;-)
Well I wouldn't call myself a typical girl now , but I do know how I was and girls are in the 20s!!

[JDOP]

Hi. Some people know my story. It is a story about a heartbreaking break-up, combined with lying, deceit, false hope etc. If you are interested you can read my previous posts. It has been 3 months since the break-up. The first weeks (month) I was a complete wreck, suffering from anxiety attacks, weight loss etc. The months following I slowly recovered and I can say that my life is "back on track". I took up old hobbies (guitar), I gave up drinking, I go out to new exciting places with new people, I work out... Even more, since she is gone, I can say that my life has become more interesting and more busy.
However, I still think about her all the time. I miss her more than words can describe. I miss her when I wake up, and when I go to sleep. I dream about her, about us. I dream haviong sex with her, I dream about talking to her like we used to, I dream about fighting with her. " weeks ago I received an email from her, saying that she wanted to clarify things (about her involvement with a former ex). I try to pretend I am a really tough guy so I didn't respond. I pretend like I don't care. I pretend like the past 2 years didn't happen. I pretend like I go on with my life, that I'm better of without her.
The truth is, that I'm not a tough guy at all. I am realistic enough to understand that things will never be like they used to between us because I would blame her for what she did to me. But if she was on my doorstep tomorrow, asking to make things right, there wouldn't be any doubt in my mind.
I am 3 months down the line now. And I thought the pain would have faded a lot by now. That I would have lost interest in it. I haven't at all. Is this normal? What can I do to make it go away. What can I do to make me want it to go away?

[Wildcat21]

Some times it takes a year.

This is like when someone dies - it's grieving process. 2 years is a long time to be together.

Do you date other women - that's key.

Or do you plan to contact her?

One question though - did she lie or cheat?? It sound like both. Yu can never get back together with either of those.

[momincali]

I have found that part of the reason the pain stays is because we often welcome it. We allow thoughts to remain in our mind, keeping them fresh. We can say we don't want to think about these things, but we do even if it hurts because it allows us a glimpse of what used to be. The brain in conjunction with the heart can be a powerful thing. We have to decide. We have to choose to move on and really mean it. If we're just going through the motions (i.e. no contact) but our heart is still in it, then it's going to drag. When and if we decide that we will get past this and learn to accept it, not forget it, then we will take no prisoners and do what is necessary to take us to that next step.

It's normal for us to think about that person from time to time, but not at every waking moment. That only tells us that we're not engaging our mind in other useful things, like life.

[Wildcat21]

Mom - great answer once again. So ture.

[Copperhead6]

Dude I had to respond to this because I feel like I could relate to you at one point. You think about them all the time and even though you guys are broke up and its been awhile, time is standing still for you like you are still with that person and those dreams haunt you and you wake up with the saddness that they are gone and they aren't coming back. I went through the same stuff and I know how torturous it can be. It was a viscious cycle that I thought would never end until it does. And you can honestly try as hard as you want to think about other things but your mind is going to keep wondering back to her until your body says it is time to let go. Here's how my process worked, and it would probably work for you: You are doing things now to make yourself a better person, and people are going to start wanting to be around you because you are a cool person. And at first your going to think, man I wish she could see me now, and see all these changes I've made and how all these people think I'm great. And that will set you back a bit because you want to show her that you are good enough for her. Hopefully you can wait this out though and realize you know what, I'm just great without her and these new people I'm hangin with are pretty cool. If she decides to check on me down the road then good for her, and if she doesn't its her loss. Sooner or later another girl is going to catch your attention and viola that ex is a distant memory and you'll laugh at how upset you got over this whole thing! Hope this helps!

[Copperhead6]

Oh and one more important thing, that nobody ever, and I mean ever talks about on here. And some of the women might not appreciate this because I don't think that this applies to them so much. But the one thing that you can't do when your suffering like you are is masturbate. For one, it probably makes you think about the ex and 2. If your getting loving at home, your not going to have any desire to go out and meet any women. Pen it up for a few days and your body will start thinking, man, I need some loving, and going out and meeting new women will become a natural physical priority. Once again the ex goes viola. If you don't believe me, try it!

[wap]

There are loads of people that can sympathise with you here. I am 7 months down the line. 3 months down the line is still early days, you are doing well. There is not really anything you can do to speed up the process of getting over someone. Yes, you can keep busy etc, but you will have dreams, thoughts, bad days and good days. It is like phase of different things that have happened to me grief, panic, dreams, regret... you name it, I have felt it. I feel particularly bad at the moment, these past few days. I have never loved anyone apart from this guy as much as I have, I miss him so much it hurts me inside. We just have to try and stay strong, I ask myself the same things as you, how long am I going to feel like this? What does the future hold? It is best to take one day at a time, but plan treats for yourself, have fun.

[Geoffersonairplane]

JDOP, There is nothing wrong with you.. Trust Me!! You are handing this situation very well indeed. You are doing all the right things, keeping busy, e.t.c. In fact, there is nothing I can see from what you write that you are doing wrong. I am 5 months down the line and I still have my days like wap no matter what I do. Wildcat is right, it can sometimes take a year.. My sister took a whole year to get over one of her ex's and she did everything right. I think it sometimes depends on what kind of person you are and it does not mean there is anything wrong with you, it may just be driven by what type of person you are and how you deal with grief. You should not be concerned by time, and feel that there is a target of how long it should take before you are over it. I never looked at all this when I began my journey of moving on by saying "right, in 6 months I will be over this" because it does not work that way. I expect you have not said this to yourself too...

You cannot switch your heart and mind off, you were obviously in love with the woman, and again Wildcat speaks wise words.. It is like someone has died, it is just like that because you still go through a process of letting go of a person. What can sometimes make it worse is that the person you are letting go of is still out there, and this gives you false hope and drags the process on and on.. I can tell you hand on heart, I know exactly what you are going through, exactly and it is torture, it makes me feel like I never want to love anyone ever again because I am scared of this pain. You can't shut yourself away from people though and in time, no matter how long it takes, 6 months, 12 months or whatever, you will let go, you will move on and you will find love again or it will find you.

Forget time, and just let the process flow through you..

[ForeverZero]

Right now, as much as it makes sense to let go, you can't. Right now you're still thinking of no contact is something you don't want to do, because in your heart, you still feel you can make things right, and all that she's doing is hurting you right now. Your mind knows it won't ever be the same, but you can't convince your heart of that. You need to stop focusing on how she's hurting you, and focus on how you're hurting her. Time and silence are your weapons, and they work pretty well. They're not there to bring her back, they're there to make you feel better for the time being. Once you lock yourself in the mindset that you're still capable of hurting her, you'll feel a lot better. Eventually you'll make the natural transition from attacking to defending, and that's when it stops consuming you.

Personally, I surrounded myself with women that need a lot of help with their current situations. Ones with bad breakups to get over or can't figure out how to get men. Then you get to dispense all the wisdom you learned from this, and if you're lucky you'll get some action. Or a neat gift on your birthday.

[Geoffersonairplane]

One thing I had trouble with for at least a couple of months was blaming myself. I punished myself by saying it must have been something about me, maybe I was not good enough, it was all me and not her, how could it be? She was perfect in my blurred eyes. I only realised after time that sometimes, people make choices for themselves and her choice was mainly about her and her desire to experience a single life or a desire to meet and date other people. That does not mean she is to blame either but it does mean that I was falsely blaming myself for something that was mainly out of my control. Where I am going with this is that quite often the dumpee blames themselves and sometimes it is not their fault that the relationship failed.

The only time you should really blame yourself is if you hurt the other person by cheating or you were abusive in any way. That is when you are to blame..

[talaniman]

That you came here to vent and not broken The no contact or done something dumb is a testament to your progress. You are on the right path.

[JDOP]

[QUOTE=Wildcat21]
Do you date other women - that's key.
Or do you plan to contact her?

I don't date other women, not that I don't want to, but I'm not up to "hitting" on other women yet.
I have been thinking about responding to her email. As it feels like I am rejecting a hand held out. I was thinking about replying that I hope she's happy and then she doesn't need to clarify things. However, an answer like that suggests that I don't blame her for what she did, and I do.

One question though - did she lie or cheat????? It sound like both. Yu can never get back together with either of those

She didn't cheat on me technically -as far as I know. She had contact with this guy behind my back; she denied it when I asked if she had feelings for someone else.

One thing I had trouble with for at least a couple of months was blaming myself

I don't blame myself at all. Myself esteem might be a little dented because she chose another guy over me. But deep inside I know I'm a better man. I look better, I'm smarter, I'm more fun etc... Basically, I blame her.

And at first your going to think, man I wish she could see me now, and see all these changes I've made and how all these people think I'm great.

That's exactly how I feel. I know I'm a better man now. Maybe too good for her. I guess I want her to see me, not only for the satisfaction (this is what you could have) but I guess there's also a little bit of hope involved. (this is what you can have).

hurts because it allows us a glimpse of what used

Taht's true. Sometimes I thinking about it on purpose. I don't know why. It doesn't make me feel good but like you said, it like to remember the good times and sometimes it feels like those times never ended.

3 months down the line is still early days

It doesn't feel like that. And some people seem to find it strange that I am still not over it.

Thank you all for your support and advice. I really get a lot of help from it

[chuff]

That you came here to vent and not broken The no contact or done something dumb is a testament to your progress. You are on the right path.

I couldn't agree more with Tal. Come and vent everyday if you have too.

I've found this helps me at times, when your emotional one of the problems is you have many thoughts that conflict with one another. Write everything out on paper. It helps as a vehicle to get some of it out and also categorize some of those emotions. Sometimes when you get emotional you start throwing in things that aren't even related to the current situation. Putting it all down on paper in front of you can really help elevate some of those emotional feelings.