Check out some similar questions!

stuckinthemiddle11 · Dec 6, 2009, 04:04 PM

Hi,
Im me and my girlfriend are both 21 years old in third year university. We have been dating about a year and a half. I love her so much she means everything to me and I know she feels the same about me. My problem is this: her parents control her so much! She has to call them constantly and let them know where she is and what she is doing. She isn't allowed to be at my house if my parents aren't home, she is barely ever aloud to go out with friends and do things with them. They have strong family values which is nice but it comes to the point when they go to far. Her mom will say things like nope come home early today you have been out "late" all week. And she was out "late" all week studying. Anyway you get the idea, she can't do anything without their permission and she hates confrontation so she never sticks up to them. She is not good at making decisions on her own because she is so use to her parents deciding everything for her. I can tell it gets her down, and I try to encourage her. The problem is that her parents are paying for her school and everything so she always needs their help financially which pretty much is a guaranteed leash for them. I don't know what to do, I love her so much. But I don't know how long this is going to continue. I can just see us getting married one day and nothing is going to be different she will always have to check in blah blah blah. I want to be with her long term, how do I make this work? Is there anything I can do? Or will this always be the same?:(

Fr_Chuck · Dec 6, 2009, 04:10 PM

So you get to see her and or talk to her every day, you get to go on dates and can be at each others home if the parents are there??

So what is the real problem, you can't do more or what you want at this time.

So she and you are living at home and have to obey the house rules.

I would say you either deal with it, or you don't really love her enough to stick with it for a while.

sabrewolfe · Dec 6, 2009, 04:10 PM

There is really nothing you can do until she is ready to talk to them about it. She is old enough to be an adult and make her own decisions. Until she is ready to do that, her parents will be directing her life and setting her boundries. And as long as she is dependent on them, she will need to follow their rules.

sandalwood7 · Dec 6, 2009, 09:46 PM

I don't know if this is the case, but in my experience, some families with certain cultures or religious beliefs will always treat their daughter like this and this will never change.
It can be very hard for someone like your GF to stand up to her parents when she depends on them so much. At least she doesn't hide you from them... If you love her you must be patient with her and let her find her own feet and financial independence. This will take time. Sometimes it is just easier to play along with parents like this rather than making a scene/confrontation. Play the pacifist and whatever you do don't force you GF into standing up to them. This is something that she must choose to do (I am sure that she will realise this if she herself finds the constant pressure constrictive). PATIENCE!

Gemini54 · Dec 6, 2009, 11:02 PM

I don't think you should be thinking ahead to marriage at this stage. You're only 21 and there is plenty of time to make those sorts of decisions. You've only been together 18 months and no one can know what the future might hold.

There is nothing you can do about her parents. They are hers and sure, you can encourage her to be independent, but in the end it's her that has to deal with them.

The lesson about love is that sometimes there are things that we can't change about the person we love or their circumstances. It's a package deal - her and the parents - you either accept it as it is, or you decide it's too much and you move on.

JoeCanada76 · Dec 6, 2009, 11:14 PM

She needs to be the one to stand up to them. She is an adult and maybe she is used to having them control her all her life. It is a security thing. I went through the same thing but the person I went it through was a lot older then this. It was brutal but eventually we both ended up standing up to people. Severed some ties, but eventually after some years things started changing and family started accepting that their little girl is all grown up.

It can be hellish, but at the same time right at this time the parents are paying for school, question is how long is she in school for?

Just remember to have a careful balance no ultimatums no matter how frustrating things might get.

Some people take longer to grow up then others, you will get blamed for a lot of changes in her if she starts to stand up for herself, but you need to know that will probably happen.

It is a long process and if this is truly the one you will both get through it all with time and patience and support from each other.

I wish · Dec 7, 2009, 07:37 AM

If she still lives at home, she has to live by their rules.

You can't force her or her parents to change. It's out of your control. The only thing you can change is YOUR ATTITUDE towards the situation.

Find it in yourself to accept and respect the situation that you are in. Play the cards that you are dealt.

ChildOfGod_1 · Dec 7, 2009, 07:41 AM

Are you from a very conservative country like India? Looks like her parents feel very insecure and protective about their daughter, and they might not trust all her friends. The best way is to for you to get on good terms with her parents, so that you can gain their trust, so next time, she can spend some more time with you "Legally"...

This might not happen overnight... But eventually this will place a very good foundation when you open up the topic of marriage with her parents.