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Sierra13 · Nov 14, 2009, 08:41 AM

Me and my boyfriend had a fight list night and I do not know what to think now. We went out, had some drink, I had a bit too much. I began the fight (I'm talking about verbal fight only!) because I didn't like how he named me in his phonebook. It was my name and the word gobbler next to it. I'm not native english speaker so I'm not sure what meaning he has put into the word. He claims that it is a character from a book. Anyway, I didn't like it and we started fighting over it. A bit of background. We r in a long distance relationship. We got back together this time for 3 days before he had to fly to his work. We met up in a city foreign to both of us so we stayed in a hotel. When we got back to hotel I said I want a separate room. Obiously he didn't want me to leave but he saw that I was determined. So he got me a separate room but before I left he asked me if I realize that if I'm leaving now then it is over. I don't remember what exactly I said to that, I left. Took all the gifts he got for me (some of them were really expensive) and left. The next morning he checked out and left for another city for his work without seeing me. I felt so bad letting him go like that because we are not going to see each other for 3 weeks now! I felt guilty (tell me if I'm wrong) so I called him. He said he was busy and that he will speak to me later. He sounded pissed off. He seldom gets pissed off. In fact it was the first time I saw him pissed. I said OK. Then I found out that the room was booked only for 12 hours and I have to check out 5 hours before my flight! I want to talk to him about it and I called. I called him 3 times he didn't pick up. Then I sent him text saying that it is unforivable that he nearly leaved me without a room booked for my whole stay in the city, and that he should not worry as I won't bother him with my calls. He got so angry that he texted me asking how the hell I have the audacity to make comments like that after my behaviour last night, etc. I ignored the sms. He texted again saying that I have truly pissed him off and if I had idea what happened last night. I was so offended that he ignored my calls that I wrote him that I tried to call but he ignored.. that I'm not going to run after him and apologise that he did wrong by booking the room like that, etc. it has been few hours since I've sent the sms and he is not replying. Please tell me if he really meant it that it will be over if I go to a separate room? Isn't it silly to end relationship over that? Or is he just angry and needs time to calm down? Have I called him too early without giving him time? Personally, I think that he is just very angry and he said that because of his emotions but I need other opinions. Do you think that he will get back to me after he calms down? Isn't he behaving ridiculously? He was very offended that I got a separate room because he has been wanting to see me and got his plans changed for that. He does anything I want for me but for some reason I'm always unpleased with him. Do you think that I overreacted and what should I do now? Please give some advises

shazamataz · Nov 14, 2009, 09:33 AM

Let me get this right...

You started the argument
You stormed out and took ALL the gifts he gave you
He told you that if you left it would be over
You refuse to apologise to him?

Personally, I think you were lucky that he booked you a room at all, if my partner did that to me he would be booking his own room.

You have some major sucking up to do if you want him back.

amicon · Nov 14, 2009, 09:43 AM

Yes I agree-he was very decent to book a room at all.
If you can't handle your drink-dont drink.

Mistique · Nov 14, 2009, 10:24 AM

If you don't understand the character he used (the Word Gobbler) then ask him why he likes or dislikes the character and why he would use it next to your name. Does he have other characters by other contacts names (probably)? I think your being over sensitive and I also think he takes his books a little seriously... is this a J.R. Tolkien book? A gobbler in the dictionary means eating a mouthful and eating a lot (of words)... it also means male turkey? SO, it probably means NOTHING at all and your reading too much into it! Why start such a petty fight over this?

I know that long distance relationships are very difficult and if you don't see him that much but still want to remain a girlfriend in this relationship then you should enjoy your time with him. There are two people in a relationship and in a mutual relationship both partners need to give equally (100/100). Your in a foreign place! Go out and see the town, have a few drinks (but don't get drunk), go back to the hotel and enjoy the contact you miss so much... making the best of it. If you have an issue talk about it and if he tells you what it is and why then let it go - effective communication. You wanted a separate room? Why? Over a character beside your name? Relax no big deal... he probably really likes that book.

I don't blame him for saying it is over because if every time he see's you and you have insecurity issues and take it out on him - he isn't having much fun and neither are you. Also, he came down with some really nice gifts to give you? He doesn't see you much but he showers you when he does see you... spend time with you and you caused a fight? :confused: I am sorry... but you blew things WAY out of proportion. He seldom gets pissed off because he is more then likely a very understanding person... but everyone has limits! He needs space to reevaluate the relationship now... if you call and call... he could become very annoyed.

What comments did you make for him to respond that way in the text the day after on your check out? Did you say something after the fight as well? If you did this could have solidified the deal. Instead of you ignoring it... say "I am sorry; I was wrong and I love you - please forgive me", you didn't acknowledge that you where wrong so yes his response was accurate "don't you remember what happened last night?"... then ignoring you. You missed opportunity to apologize... but with time hopefully he will come around... his feelings are hurt too. He is doing what people usually do and again, if you want to be a girlfriend in this relationship that means your going to be the one to have to apologize and let it go (own up to your contribution).

It isn't just over the separate room. This is about the relationship... it's about you having too much to drink, getting upset over the phone book and the gobbler (blowing things right off the wall and way out of context (emotional/sensitive/fortune telling response/self centered behavior)) and him not really knowing what is going on. You probably brought up other issues, starting a fight after he showered you with gifts, came a long way to see/spend time with you and just wanted a wonderful night with his long distance girlfriend (which he probably anticipated for a while). He was attacked, accused for something he did not intentionally do and you completely dismissed his reasoning (not listening)... then to make it worse you go and get a separate room which he reserved to spend time with you... looking forward to a nice night.

You have a lot of making up to do. He isn't ridiculous... your drinking and behavior is the reason for his response. "I am always un-pleased with him"... that to me says you also show it by way of body language and verbal communication. In other words, my assessment of "bringing up other issues" probably happened. If he doesn't make you happy then leave; don't make him unhappy in the process - then everyone is unhappy.

If you can't handle a long distance relationship (as it is difficult on both partners... straining on the relationship) then leave it and move on. Also, try to have reasonable expectations of other people; people are not like you, or me, or that other guy down the street... we all have different principals and thus... you can't expect someone to live up to your expectations... the only person who can do that is you!

What are your thoughts now? Do you still want to be in this relationship? Now is a good time for you to reevaluate the relationship as well! Try to step out of your shoes and be in his... I try to do that with everyone... I can be bull headed or stubborn too... sometimes we all have to stop, think and apologize... sometimes we have to do that even though the other person was wrong, to make peace and live a life more fulfilling.

Your not a horrible person and everyone makes mistakes because we are human. You respond by emotional feelings not by thought of reason - which we all can do :). This can lead to fortune telling responses (like assuming) and even if someone gives you reason (you already made up your mind and your conclusions), you dismiss it... just relax a bit and let things take its natural course. I know how you feel because I am also a person of principals and high standards... but what I have learned is for me to live up to them on my own (my own personal mission statement and a separate mission statement) and cut everyone slack (someone might even have high expectations of you - only live up to your own expectations). I have learned not to have expectations of anyone but myself... once you do this you won't be disappointed or displeased. Try to step out of your shoes and into others... try to be objective and show compassion be a friend... relationship involves two people and both peoples values are equally valuable. If you don't want to be in this relationship then leave it and find your Mr. Right because if he isn't making you happy... he isn't Mr. Right.

Sierra13 · Nov 15, 2009, 04:19 AM

Mistique,

Your reply sounds like the reply he would give me. I even have feeling that it was him who wrote it. But this is ridiculous of course. Regarding the word gobbler. He nicknamed me like that in his Yahoo mail account before and when I saw it I told him that I don't like it. Why would he then do it again but in his phone book? He knows I didn't like it, but yet he did it again. That is why I got so angry. It is like he has done it deliberately. I asked him for his phone to make sure that I saw what I think I had seen and he refused. He said it doesn't say gobbler, and he is not going to give me to check it. He said that he will do it after we get to hotel. What is the difference? I know what I saw and I saw it clearly. Why would he deny it and lie to me? Why in the first place would he name me like that again in his phonebook after I told him that I don't like it? Personally, I think that anyone would be offended by that. Yes, I overreacted when I asked for a separate room, but I called him later and made the first move. He doesn't seem to be ready or willing at all to make peace with me. I still tried to call him even though I was offended but he doesn't want to talk. What can I do? Stalk him? No, thank you. Besides I still am angry with him for his behavior, for the word gobbler, for him ignoring my calls. I find it hard to swallow it. I'm tired of feeling so bad in this relationship. Previously, I have been seeing a guy for 3 years and I was very much hurt in the relationship. I think that is why I have troubles making this relationship work at least for some time. Yes, I'm insecure and I admit that. Sometimes I think that it would just be easier to stop seeing him so that I don't get hurt in future. He is not Mr. Right for me for a number of reasons (that I have no control over), although I would want him to be. But he can't. I've feelings for him, but sometimes he is so intolerable, he just pushes my buttons and does it very well.
What am I thinking now? If I want this relationship to work? Yes, I do. But I want my peace back too! Long distance relationship is not easy. Sometimes I find it hard to concentrate on my education and it is very important for me that I study hard. I get so emotional with him I don't know how to control it. In the end I get very tired and worn out. I try to get into his shoes and I often do. There are many things that I just turn my blind eye on. Well, I want that from him too. So, I got angry, I got into separate room. I was just very pissed and emotional and have not done anything terrible. Why is he behaving like I'm the only guilty one here. I just want to block this out and spend quiet 3 weeks at home before I go to work and see him. I don't think that I will be doing anything about this situation now. After all, it wasn't me who said that it is over. If he really wants to be with me, I think that he will try to see his faults too.

Sierra13 · Nov 15, 2009, 04:26 AM

I do miss him and love him but I have troubles saying that to him. And when he offends me it just cuts right to me that I get into a shutdown mode.

Mistique · Nov 15, 2009, 11:10 AM

I am so sorry :( - I am not him... I promise you that hehe! I am just trying to be objective - I don't have the whole story either. I do agree with you that the word gobbler sounds kind of offensive and you said you talked to him about it before! Did he remove it the first time? Do you know if he does that to anyone else? He didn't want to give you the phone until after because he probably expected your response... so why he did it again I have no idea... I know my hubby wouldn't want to provoke me ;). No one is in the winning position. He did it AGAIN and you became angry (a bit to the extreme). He DID contribute if he KNEW this bothered you and it sounds like he never really gave you an explanation as to who, what, when and most impotently why. Seriously, why the Word Gobbler? I looked up on the dictionary and its someone who shovels and eats food (or words) or it's a male turkey and male turkeys don't shut up (I use to live on a farm)... so even if it was just a gobbler... it's rude. What book? I want to know what character so I can try to make some sort of association... see... actually... looking it from your prospective I found something else. He put it beside your name and now you associate this icon with you; even though maybe he didn't intend to actually think that you would draw an association out of it?

I am sorry that you keep feeling hurt in this relationship and for the reasons you said, it sounds like your ready to move on though you have a hard time accepting it (you know he isn't Mr. Right). Why waste anymore time with someone that you seriously can't stand his flaws? As it goes for your last relationship... 3 years is a long time and equally the healing time required to deal with before you move into another relationship. I think we all met the jerk and then tried to move on... finding that our previous relationship experience really effects the current one. You never really did deal with the emotions/feelings of the 3 year relationship and now can't stand this guy. Maybe some solitude for you isn't a bad idea! Take a break! Like I said "this time you have now is also your opportunity to reevaluate the relationship and your feelings". We don't want this to effect your education or other aspects of your life!

I think I was correct about the expectations. You sound very high principled and carry some major standards of yourself and sometimes other people (why do some people lack this common sense you ask?)... sound familiar! I don't think you and I are worlds apart... I kind of went through something similar and sometimes you need to learn tough love. I am not taking his side at all... I think that you both need to talk but maybe after some time has passed. Take this time for yourself in the interim and evaluate what your personal mission statement is and if your future has him in it! Make your decisions based on how you think you would both progress proactively and find effective ways to discuss things (try not to respond with emotions). Emotions are ego... we generally respond with ego and it can be difficult to change your thoughts but try to remain neutral and listen to what he is saying responding with logic and not emotion. Trust me it took me a long time to stop replying with emotion because I am also a very sensitive person. For example, the slightest remark someone said would be analyzed and taken in as a deposit! We all have emotional banks and so you need to discern if this was a joke or where they saying something else... don't read into things too much. Eventually you become angry and hurt because you drew up a conclusion (assuming) that this person... you get tired, worn out and feeling really bad. Sometimes when people don't deal with their emotions and feelings properly - including dealing with issues from the past - it can be difficult to express them later. If someone makes you feel horrible then you shouldn't be with them... no matter how much you want things to work out.

Sierra13 · Nov 16, 2009, 03:46 AM

Yes, he did remove the word gobbler first time. I am trying to think why he did that again. One guess that comes to my mind is that maybe he wanted to know if I ever go through his phone when he is not around. Maybe he thought that if I do, I would get pissed and raise the subject. But I don't. I am past such things as going through boyfriend's phone, etc! Maybe this guess is ridiculous, I don't know. I'm just so confused. We never discussed who the gobbler hero is because it all happened when we were apart (I mean in different countries but still in a relationship). We we got back together we just never raised the subject. If we ever talk again, I am going to find out what does he mean by gobbler! If you say that male turkeys never shuts up then maybe he meant that because usually when I get angry at him, I keep on talking about what has fueled my anger. Wow, this is an insult then! I am totally insulted again. Does he has respect for me then if that is what he means? A girlfriend who does not shut up?.
I know the relationship is not going to last for long, because hopefully things will work for me and I will go to another country and study there. But before leaving I would want to spend time with him cause I care about him and I have feelings for him. And I think that he has feelings for me too, because he does almost anything I ask him to do. He is there for me when I need it and I appreciate it very much I'm just not good at expressing it.
Yes, I am a high principled person and sometimes I can get intolerable because of that. And I'm very proud and find it difficult to bring myself to apologizing sometimes. Maybe I am scared that it won't be appreciated? I don't know.
Mistique, you even use his terminology. He once gave a presentation on mission and vision statements :)
I am so thankful for your thorough responses and sometimes wish that I had the same control as you have, but I am just so emotional and impatient and make it worse for both of us.
I think I will give it some time and just keep my thoughts away from what has happened. Deep inside I think that we will work it out.

Sierra13 · Nov 16, 2009, 05:37 AM

Can you please tell me about this hero from Tolkien's book? And what book is that?

Mistique · Nov 16, 2009, 10:09 AM

He does care for you because he puts so much effort into the relationship. If he didn't care for you then he wouldn't shower you with gifts, reserve the hotel room, do things you ask him to and maintain the relationship long distance (as I am sure it is difficult for him). Does he love you? Sure maybe... the definition of love is loving someone 100%, giving it your 100%, forgiving, looking past someone's flaws, helping them succeed, compromising, be willing to loose, loving without conditions, compassionately, honestly, truthfully and unconditionally. You should be the one to determine if he loves you and if you love him. What I do know is he cares a great deal for you!

As it goes for the Gobbler... I just looked it up and this is the link:
gobbler - definition of gobbler by the Online Dictionary from Datasegment.com
I don't think this is what he intended so don't get even more upset.

J.R. Tolkin has A LOT of books and a lot of hero's... from the Hobbit to Lord of the Rings... etc. I tried to do a search on the "Word Gobbler" but can't find anything! It could be a book, it could be a game or it could just be an icon he can download from his computer... I have no way to tell! If it bothers you that much then next time you two get together ask... but don't get :mad:... try to stay :cool: and :p (keep it funny - sometimes other people can give us the biggest perspectives of ourselves... like my husband... he can point out my flaws and I can try to work on them - for me and for him!). Don't draw out your own conclusions (dangerous assumptions - don't assume you know what is going on and what the other person is thinking... if you really want to know you HAVE to ask but be WILLING and ACCEPTING or eventually that person will shut you out and not respond to any of your inquires) or putting together information to make a story that makes sense (fortune telling).

As it goes for controlling your emotions... yes, everything takes time but sometimes these "reactions" are destructive in your relationships (personal, intimate or work-related) and no one wants to be on their tippy toes... afraid of being scolded or told exactly what they don't want to hear (unsolicited advice or opinions) for something they did or said or for something they never intended. You sound educated and very smart but sometimes the exterior is just a mask... you really need to personally develop yourself to find "true" raw happiness. If you don't then everything inside will stir up... tick... tock... tick... tock! Try to do some personal reading aside from all your academic reading as it could also very well assist you in communication with your future career. People want people that are level headed and can respond accordingly and appropriately to people, places, things and situations... especially if there is a conflict pressure and conflict resolution is of priority. You can do this for you? You will be a much happier person... forgiving and relaxed (emotionally detached (unless it's called for)). Respond logically... talk slower and think before you talk... actually I learned to "shut up" and just listen... do it for about two weeks and you'll see what I mean. Sometimes just listening is better... don't draw conclusions yet... just let time sort it out. Half the things you stress about is unnecessary (this is why your energy level is low). You have to seek a balance.

7 Habbits of Effective People
https://www.stephencovey.com/7habits/7habits.php

Try this book... I have all of them. It talks about the psychological issues and physical responses. It talks about common sense and learning to think differently (rewire your brain). I have other people who read these books and it is really amazing how quick you can relate, understand and change your approach. Here is a couple of quotes:

"Taking initiative does not mean being pushy, obnoxious, or aggressive. It does mean recognizing our responsibility to make things happen."

"As you work to develop a paradigm that empowers you to see through the lens of importance rather then urgency, you will increase your ability to organize and execute every week of your life around your deepest priories, to walk your talk. You will not be dependent on any other person or thing for the effective management of your life."

"Empathetic listening takes time, but it doesn't take anywhere near as much time as it takes to back up and correct misunderstandings when you're already miles down the road, to redo, to live with unexpressed and unsolved problems, to deal with the results of not giving people psychological air."

This isn't just about your relationship with him (impatient) but your relationships all around you... especially you! Building a basic understanding of yourself first! Once you understand yourself and can be patient/compassionate with yourself then you will have more to offer in relationships around you.

Here is a fun but accurate personality test based on Jung - Myers-Briggs theory: Personality test based on Jung - Myers-Briggs typology

Do I really sound like him? Weird! :eek: Nope, I am a 27 year old female, married and have two children (Girl (almost 3 years old) and Boy (9 months old))! What do you think? What are you going to do?

Sierra13 · Nov 19, 2009, 07:47 AM

Sorry for not posting here for quite a while. I have made up with my boyfriend. I am so glad now. I called him the other day after I had spoken to my work colleague that also works with him. She told me that he came back upset and tired. I felt so bad so I called him. He was less angry then. It turned out that I do not remember half of the story that happened that night! I don't know if he told me the truth, but according to him I was the one to say that is over and I do not care. That is not how I remember it, but anyway after some talk we said sorry to each other and now we are back together. This fight has changed something in me I think I just started appreciating him more. I do not want to make him feel bad anymore and only want to show him my affection and care once we meet again which is in 2. 5 weeks. And I definitely do not want to get so emotional every again. I think that he is still feeling a bit awkward or smth, but so am I. This is probably because we are apart now.
Mistique, my thanks to you for your involvement, support and compassion. You are a great and kind person and I wish that things always works well for you... well at least most of the times :)! Thank you!

PS You did sound like him, but that is only a compliment, because he is a smart and intelligent person and these are one of the many qualities that I value in him!

Mistique · Nov 19, 2009, 12:12 PM

Awww, gees (blushing) thank you for the compliment :)!

I am glad things worked out for the both of you... time always is on your side (for love that is - patience (and now you know that it does pay off)). I could only imagine how hard it is to have a long distance relationship. Sometimes we get that wake up call; and some don't see it and some do. For those that do - they will learn to appreciate people, places and things.

Try to keep it positive, fun, free loving and pure exotic pleasure when you are together! And all the best to you too.