[crazychick56]

I haven't asked on here in a while but up until now I have been doing fine and I don't kow where to turn to. Me and this guy got out of a reallll serious relationship about two or two and a half months ago, but he's the one who ended things with me and he is still saying later on he won't mind dating again and he still loves me and blah blah and to top it off he still flirts with me and everything and I ask him what the eff is going on but all he EVER replies is he likes being single and flirting with all the girls without getting in trouble.

So its been a while now, but along comes a new guy and he is pretty cool. We become best friends and eventually he likes me, and eventually I like him back. So at this point in time I basivally still love my ex but like him. I felt like I was in hell. I can't date either one of them though they both say they both still like me or love me. One lives too far away and the other doesn't want to date at the moment. I can't like anyone but them because my mind won't let me. So many people have told me my ex is just playing with me like a toy and telling me this stuff so he can keep me around for when he is ready to come back to me when he wants to, but I still can't get over him. We were too serious and my heart still aches over him, but this new guy is amazing too, but he is starting to lose his feelings for me and somehow it hurts.

I guess the question I'm asking is, to all you adults who were in this situation when you were my age or around it, how long does this hell chamber go on for and how can I make it stop? I know letting go of my ex would help, but trust me I have tried and it is NOT happening, I somehow cant, its nearly impossible. My mind feels like I'm in a prison chamber. I try to lock the bad thoughts and feelings up but they eventually escape and I'm never continuously happy. Help? :confused:

[SympatheticEar]

I love how you have framed your question and let me tell you I am 33 and have been in your place once. I think that a lot of our stories are similar at the bottom, I will explain how we escape the pain in a minute.

Well, it sounds to me like that saying, "stuck between a rock and a hard place". You feel like you have no options and no where to go, and don't know what to do. Trust me, you're not alone in feeling this way- that your mind is "a prison chamber".

First of all, you may hate to hear this, but you really are "too young" to feel this way, to have such a burden weighing on you. It is also unfair because, neither of these guys appear to be sharing this burden with you.

Now, you say that one of these guys is too far away, and the other doesn't want to date at the moment, and is possibly "playing with you like a toy", so it appears to me that you really have no viable choice, no tangible guy to hold onto *anyway*- and therefore you need to move on from your feelings, which you seem to know already.

You can begin by making sure to spend more time socializing, especially where they may be new boys you can slowly- SLOWLY is the key- build relationships with. You can force yourself to stop thinking of either of them if your heart gets in the way. This may sound a bit cold but it is actually not.

I know it hurts now, but once you start doing this, you'll see how it begins to hurt less and less and less... *That* is the key. I can tell you are a strong person at such a young age already, and I sense that you will be able to do this.

This isn't to say that it isn't going to hurt for a while, it will. You are going to feel connected for a bit to both these guys because they meant a lot to you and you had certain expectations and hopes for the both of you. But as times goes on, you will feel those attachments lessen.

Now I can tell you are a very sensitive person, but I really feel that if you keep with it, and really work hard on focusing, think of it like meditation) on getting them out of your head, you will be surprised that you have achieved some freedom from this pain. Life is hard on sensitive people, so we have to fight our feelings sometimes, as odd as that sounds.

Good luck!

[crazychick56]

I don't understand how you can tell so much about me from that little (well not so little but you get my picture) paragraph

I'm such a sensitive person and things that have happened to me in the past has changed me into the person I am now(thats a good thing) and I'm twie as strong with life than I was a year ago and your right I have to fight these feelings but its really hard (though I will try) how long does it usually take before this kind of thing starts dying down and it gets easier to let go? If it has been since late July early August since the relationships and everything

[SympatheticEar]

Well it's hard to be specific, there's no set time period- but it mostly depends on what is going on in your life. How happy you are, how busy you are, your moods, how many other boys are around you, how many times this has happened before.

If for example you are socializing a lot, and having fun with your friends and meeting new people, the time of grief should start dying down faster. Likewise, if you are very busy with things, and remain productive, then the pain will diminish faster. If this is the first time you have experienced such a loss, then it will surely stay with you longer, and as it happens in the future- as you get older- the time will be increasingly shorter, every time you lose someone that close to you.

Now if it is about July or August that you broke up, then it is still pretty early.. those people will always be a part of you, but the feeling of a special connection and disappointment should die down shortly, if you make sure to focus on your schoolwork, being with your positive friends, just being a teenager :)

Don't forget to congratulate yourself for being so strong!

[SilviaPhd]

To be honest with you I don't know the exact aswer to your problem but I've being through it lots of times.. when you see something leading towards hell you end it. So end it.. you won't be able to overcome it if you pay that much attention to it. Try sth completely new, let go of thngs if they cause you psychological harm. You don't deserve it. A guy should be important to you only if he makes attempts to keep you constantly happy.. if you are his everything, if he treats you like you're his only one. Are you those guys' only one? And how could you be if they are not your only ones' in turn.. think about it for a sec. first decide.. and none is able to decide for you than your own self.. and then move on.. for me, you shouldn't move on with any of those guys.. find something new that makes you real happy

[crazychick56]

SympatheticEar... thank you so much for being understanding, I haven't gotten that a lot. Everybody I tell yeah sure is sympathetic, but their answers never help me, only confuse me. I just want to thank you. And it has happened to me once before which is why I'm not as beat up about it. And I'm involved with Friday night football games at school with my drill team and we have competition coming up and I'm a straight A student only because almost every day after school I stay for help and I am in my theater arts play which keeps me most occupied of all so I'm pretty busy, but at nights when I have time for free thinking or on weekends when I'm NOT hanging out with friends (which is rarely), then that's when everything occurs to me. But I guess your right, il give it time

And silviaphd, what do you mean by I dhouldnt move on from them but find something new that makes me happy?

[ohsohappy]

and silviaphd, what do you mean by i dhouldnt move on from them but find something new that makes me happy?

She meant that you shouldn't pursue a relationship with either of them, you should find soemthing else to make you happy instead.

[SympatheticEar]

No problem, I kind of know where you're coming from because I have the same trouble being understood by people. It's cause most people don't really listen ;)

I am really glad to hear you do well at school, stay active and have friends. Just don't forget- try incorporating some new attention/boys into your life to *replace* that problem boy, instead of ignoring the memory altogether (it will take the pain longer to disappear that way). Also, if you do that, you may get set in a pattern of being hurt and feeling powerless to men, and as you get older, it may remain be a negative pattern for you.

So the key is, try to work *through* it, and it does help to make positive new memories to replace the old painful ones :)

[crazychick56]

That's what I have ben working towards(: and now that you tell me they probably don't listen it makes sense now lol

And thanks ohsohappy, I didn't understand it lol(:

[SympatheticEar]

Well listening and LISTENING are two different things! :)

Take care and good luck!

[crazychick56]

Lol I guess I'll see you around

And thank you again for everything

[SilviaPhd]

She meant that you shouldn't persue a relationship with either of them, you should find soemthing else to make you happy instead.

Thanks :)

[crazychick56]

You all are wonderful(: