[Lost in it all]

Help me. Please.
Am I a horrible father? Am I merely just impatient?

Firstly, I am a 25 year old father of two.
My first born is now 2 and half years old - everything I could imagine to give me purpose in life.
My second born is now 4 months old, and a boy - who I think I'm the worst father to.

Myself and my wife are on the verge of divorce, our fights have gotten out of control and to be honest, I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of the fighting and pretending that we can be something we can't be anymore...

Our son is so difficult, I don't know where to begin to explain but at the same time that I am writing this, I wonder if I should even bother. Perhaps I am just at that point where I have finally lost my mind. None the less, here is my problem.

He isn't collic, he is healthy and strong.
He goes ape when he has to wait for his formula for longer than 3 minutes, every time, regardless of the fact that he might have just drank 20minutes ago. He goes ape whenever he is anywhere but in someone's arms or on their lap. He goes ape if we put him in a car seat, under his toy gym or anywhere for longer than 5 minutes.
It's literally like the only time he is comfortable is when he is in someone's arms. His "tantrums" are so bad that its hard to feed him. Because he can't wait, he goes ape and screams to the extent that he actually chokes himself or vomits - not always but it's a problem trying to give him a bottle when he's so busy crying and "having tantrum".

The doctors say he's fine and healthy. My wife agrees that boys are just difficult compared to girls. Hell even I agree.

But I can't stand his crying anymore. Every single night, every single day - he's got to be in someone's arms to be happy. The only other time he's not crying or "uncomfortable" is when he's drinking or bathing...
My wife and I are fighting constantly because she says and I quote: "Everyone with a baby boy will tell you that a boy is difficult. You need to be more patient."

Well I'm on calming medication and its not helping. And personally I don't think I need to change at all. Are me and my wife fighting about this because she's right, Im to impatient? Or are am I right in feeling that the way he acts and tantrums when he's not in someone's arms is wrong?

[tickle]

Sounds to me as if the baby has been given too much attention, way too much, almost as your wife is compensating with this one. Baby boys are normally much more well behaved than girls, at least in my own opinion.

Your wife needs a wake up call on her handling of the youngest and you have to get a grip and put down your foot.

You may want to take this issue up (the four month old) with a pediatrician, although I don't know what could be accomplished at such a young age, but usually the doctor will have some insight into the problem and maybe a solution. Tantrums like that are just not healthy for anyone.

If he is like this at 4 months, just think of how he will be when he is starting to walk !

Ms tickle

[spiritcharms]

I'm wondering whether you should see a nutritionlist,someone in the dietry field for your 4 month old son,you never know it could be his formula milk that cold be causing this behaviour. In no way am I saying I'm correct, just a suggestion as I know how important getting the right foods and formula milk can affect a behaviour and also not agree with baby. It sounds as though maybe he's not getting enough, so feeling hungrier hence why he can't wait more than 3 minutes for his bottle.

Your son sounds as though he needs comfort anf security, maybe the stress between you and your wife maybe playing a part of it too. Babies get very unsettled and pick up on things very quickly.

[Hopeless Mom]

Do you give the baby a pacifier? Usually a baby will calm itself when it has a pacifier in its mouth. If he won't take one, there are things you can do to encourage him... you can wet it, suck it yourself for a couple of seconds, (provided you know you're free of any communicaple diseases,) change the pacifier for one of a different shape, (some babies prefer one shape over another), even dip it in something sweet for half a second to get him started.

Some babies need more sucking than others. It's just in their nature. Sucking will enable him to soothe himself.

If that doesn't work, find out whether he may have an intolerance to his formula or his milk. A milk intolerance or other alergies can even be passed through to the baby from mother's milk so check his diet to make sure he is not reacting to something and that his food conveys the right nutritional value.

Crying is how babies express themselves. You're not a bad father if your baby cries, and your wife is not a bad mother. Just because the baby cries doensn't mean he's hungry. He could be wet or too hot, check out the additional considerations that could be setting him off, and try keeping a room temprature water bottle around to stick in his mouth until you are ready to feed him.

The other thing is, play with him without picking him up. Make sure he understands that you will not pick him up. Instead of holding him, try leaving him in his little seat and making funny faces or playing a noisey toy that attracts his attention. Distraction is an artform you'll need to develop with a fussy child.

There is no real truth to whether a male or female baby is fussier. All babies are different. The greatest liklihood, however, is if you got an easy baby the last time, the next will be a handful. You'll need to stop blaming each other and look for solutions for your child.

[jillrenee15]

Please try to work together on this. Don't give up on your marriage or your children. I don't think you will forgive yourself if you do. He is 4 mo. He doesn't understand. You have been given some very good advice. My first thought is GET A SITTER!! Go out for the night. See a movie, do something fun. Go away for the weekend. ANYTHING! Remember why you got married to begin with.

[suzieb]

Your baby is not having tantrums; he is too young! He is merely expressing his discomfort and possibly picking up on your irritation too. He will sense that things are not OK with you and your wife so please try to both stay calm around him. Babies go through stages of separation from their caregiver; right now he is totally dependent on your wife for everything he needs. As he gets a little older he will gradually learn that there is an interesting world around him and that it doesn't end when his mummy moves away from him. Give him a small, safe cuddly toy to hold onto and this will help. Urgh! I wouldn't suggest anyone sucking a pacifier before giving it to a baby. Just moisten it with boiled water.

Incidentally, no you arent' the world's worst father. My ex husband is, he never even sees his child since our divorce.

[s_cianci]

Not to say that you're a bad father, but the constant bickering with your wife is impacting him and setting a bad example for him that he picks up on, even at his young age. Try to tone things down and be a little more patient with your wife and she with you. There's a poem titled "Children Learn what they Live", by Dorothy Law Nolte. You may be familiar with it. In general, it's all about parents leading by example. The best thing you and your wife can do for your son is to put aside your own individual whims and hangups and concentrate on raising your kids in a loving and nurturing home. Seek counseling if you have to. But also, don't be so intimidated by your son's tantrums. Part of it is testing on his part, even as young as he is. By you and your wife not responding right away all the time, he'll eventually get the message and learn more appropriate and effective ways of communicating.

[jenniepepsi]

I agree that an infant this young cannot throw fits or have tantrums. He is just too young. But I DO believe that the stress between you and your soon to be ex wife is causing stress in him. Yes, boys can be more laid back than girls, but boys also react more emotionally to stress. My daughter just gets snippy when she is stressed (5 years) however my 2 year old nephew gets SO SO SO amazingly sad and upset when he is stressed.

I would suggest you try your hardest to keep the discussions about the upcoming divorce away from the baby (and his older brother as well) as much as you can. And try not to over compensate, as this can cause spoiling as he gets older.

[seashell99]

My daughter cried NON stop for the first year of her life. She didn't sleep through the night until she was 2 1/2 and that was only when I shut her door, shut my door, put earplugs in and turned on the radio.
I breastfed her until she was 4 months old with what I call the suck, spit, cry thing. This went on ALL day long and most of the night. She only slept in 20 minute blocks. Caused great hardship on our marriage.
At 4 months, I discovered that she was allergic to my milk and put on a lactose free formula. This helped a lot, but not completely.
Today, she is 11 and the joy of my life! When she went to preschool at 3, people there just wouldn't believe what a time I had with her. Only my family knew what I went through.
Babysitter for a break---absolutely
Spoiled ---- never, just uncomfortable
Patience --- you will learn A lot more, or go nuts

Good luck to you and hang in there. This is really not something you should divorce over, it will only affect your kids more than you will ever know. You and your wife need some time ALONE without either child, even if it is for an hour or so (That is alll I could get anyone else to watch my daughter, they just couldn't take it!)

--shell