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jaerochelle · Apr 19, 2009, 10:09 PM

My boyfriend and I been together a little over two years now, we have a nine month old son together. The pregnancy was not planned at all, but we love him deeply. What's bothering me is that he don't want to talk about the future, its like he has no plan. Im going back to school in the fall to finish up for my degree. He don't want to go back to school, he don't respond when I ask about us getting a place of our own in the future, and talking marriage is out of the question. We don't go anywhere, if we go out to eat, I bring it up... he don't want to do anything, but play basketball, play/watch games with his best friend (who's married with two kids). I just don't know, I love him, he says he loves me, but Im tryna get things done so that when my son won't have to see me struggle in the long run, I feel that I'm giving 120% to make this relationship work and he's not. Is it time for me to move on? Or should I keep trying?

nikosmom · Apr 19, 2009, 10:22 PM

The fact that you have to ask if it's time to move on tells you it is.

All relationships have upswings and downturns but this relationship doesn't seem to be going anywhere despite the fact that a child is involved. It's sad that the birth of your son wasn't a catalyst for him to get his act together.

As you stated, you have to get things on track so that you and your son can have a better life; with or without your boyfriend.

I'd suggest talking to him but you said he doesn't want to talk about your future. Which to me- means you don't have one.

jaerochelle · Apr 19, 2009, 10:46 PM

Thanks for your answer, it's a reality chec, I needed that, I been acting like I don't see it, but I'm not in denial anymore

nikosmom · Apr 20, 2009, 05:36 AM

Sometimes that's the sucky (for lack of a better word) part of being in a relationship that's taken a turn for the worse: we don't see it. We have blinders on because we still love the person.

We focus on what the relationship used to be instead of what it is today.

I think you're taking a step in the right direction by finishing your degree and doing better so that your son can get more out of life.

Some people don't always grow up once they become parents and it seems like he's one of those.

Don't let him hold you back. Good luck!

I wish · Apr 20, 2009, 06:10 AM

If he doesn't want to put the effort that you want to make you happy, it means that he doesn't really care about you. If you love soemone, you would do things to make the other person happy. He's obviously being inconsiderate.

Nikosmom is right: "The fact that you have to ask if it's time to move on tells you it is."

You should find a man who will actually care about your feelings and your best interests.

jaerochelle · May 9, 2009, 09:00 PM

Threads merged

I've made up my mind and I'm going to leave him. Just thinking about waking up tomorrow and not having him here terrifies me in a way. Oh my god!! I love this man, I think if he would have cheated and just did me wrong it would be a little easier to let go! How could you be with someone for two and a half years and have a baby with this person and just let it go?? I deserve someone who wants to share their dreams, goals, plans in life with me... he use to be that person, he's not anymore... havent been for a long time! How do I say good-bye?? How do I let go of someone that I love with all my heart and soul??

kitten420 · May 9, 2009, 09:07 PM

Well why don't you want to be with him anymore did he in fact cheat on you

jaerochelle · May 9, 2009, 10:15 PM

No he didn't cheat, our situation is complicated. He shows no emotion towards me anymore, he don't discuss his future plans with me... I don't even know if I'm apart of his future, we don't talk, when I try to talk he ignore me... he's like an ice box, when I say I'm leaving he'll say you know I love you and I wonna be with you but that's that, when I cry myself to sleep at night he gets up and leave... its like I'm in love by myself... I feel like he don't want me... I just feel like I deserve betta... he rather spend time with his best friend, who is married with two kids... and I'm always the bad person

Alty · May 9, 2009, 10:21 PM

It's hard but it sounds like you're done and it's time to move on.

Of course you'll miss him, part of you still hopes that he'll change, and it's the person that you fell in love with that you fear missing, but he's no longer that person.

When you've been in a relationship for a long time it's hard to move on. You grow used to having that person around, the thought that they won't be is scary.

You have a child together, so it's going to be hard, but it's better that you move on now, get on with your life. Why stay if there's no future.

Good luck.

Nestorian · May 9, 2009, 10:40 PM

Lets say love is a firm genuine, deep affection and loyalty that is built upon a profoundly passionate faithful belief in the binding of two people's lives. Forever they will be attached in one form or another. Personally I would argue that there is also a point to which one may need to learn to let go of a love, simply because only if you truly love some one/ thing will you find the strength to let them go of your own free will. I think that is important, because it lets people know that we don't have to be together just because we "have to", but we stay together because we want to. Also some times, the one's we want to stay with, don't want to stay with us, and so we have to accept that so we can move on. There maybe "soul mates", but it's not clear as to whether we develop, and grow into such, or if it's predetermined for us. Maybe finding our soul mate has more to do with finding ourselves, and in doing so can finally attract our soul mates. Very mysterious is the world that we pretend to know.

Letting go is hard, but it is up to you to take responsibility for your feelings. Love is like Cocaine, even Freud, a founding father of one of the major schools of psychology, describes the two as one and the same in a letter to his wife. So, after you two separate you will most likely become depressed, and it will not be easy. Do not be put off by that though as, "You yourself, as much as any one in the entire universe deserve your love and affection."-Buddha You will travel a path of self discovery, and upon that path will reconnect with that which is within you. Learn to forgive yourself, love yourself, know yourself, and be yourself. "you have to go through hell before you get to heaven."- Steve miller band, jet air liner.

May peace be with you.

Gemini54 · May 10, 2009, 01:27 AM

Love is about reciprocity, caring, compassion, kindness and connection (to name a few things). From what you've said in your post, these elements seem to be lacking in your relationship - and you don't know why because he won't communicate with you.

Living with someone like this is akin to having the lifeblood sucked out of you. I can understand why you want to leave.

Just do it. Let him know you're going, take your things and go. Leave a long letter for him to read explaining why you've gone and where you've gone.

If he won't communicate with you and is excluding you from his life then you have no choice but to start a new life on your own.

talaniman · May 10, 2009, 07:15 AM

He is the father of your child so no matter what he does, he will still be apart of your life, no matter what you do.

Having said that, to bad if he can't keep up with the pace you set for yourself, as your trying to do what's right for you, and your child.

Do what you have to, and let him do the same, whether you continue this relationship or not.

Survivor07 · May 10, 2009, 07:44 AM

I agree with all the above advice. Not much more needs said.

It's the doing part that's next.

You are not the same woman you were when you met. You're a mother now and you've grown and he has not.

You don't have to stay miserable. People make their own happiness. Being in a relationship and being lonely is much worse than just being alone.

Maybe your leaving will be a wake up call to him, maybe not. Don't have any expectations with him. Just focus on your and your child's future.

none12345 · May 10, 2009, 07:51 AM

He has to wake up and take some responsibility. He needs to take care of the child too, if he doesn't work or anything and just sits around the house all the time and hang out with friends (not that its bad) but all the time, then it will only end up you taking care of him as well and it would be better if you left and find someone who is actually hve some responsibillities.