[captainpecan]

This is a really rough situation I have found myself in. It would take a book to truly explain the details. I have been with my girlfriend for about 8 years, on and off. I am with her now for the third time, and we have been back together for about a year. She will not say she loves me, she barely will hug me, we never kiss, and if It's a good year, we may have sex once in a year. She is completely against oral sex, giving and receiving, which happens to be my most favorite activity. We rarely even sleep together, most of the time I sleep on the couch, because she gets mad at me for trying to hold her at night, or touching her. I feel like I am stuck with the ice queen.

The rough part is that every time we have split up, it has been because I end up feeling so much in need of feeling wanted, and begin wanting wanting sex so much, someone else catches my interest and I leave her. Unfortunately, every time I keep getting with all the wrong woman. The last one emptied my bank accounts and was sleeping with not only a good friend of mine, she was hooking up with random guys she didn't even know online for sex. Not to mention, I later found out from the many guys I tracked down, every one was unprotected sex. After I finally left her, and had my many different tests to make sure I was not carrying any diseases from this woman, I ended up getting back with my ex again.

She has always been there for me no matter how much I get destroyed from bad relationships, but to be honest, she is a bad relationship also. My problem is this, I am 33 years old now, and still have not had children. I am tired of making bad decisions, and want to be with someone who will love me and wishes to raise a family. Problem is, it has been over a year since I have had sex, and I am about to leave my girlfriend again just so I can get laid. But of course, this would once again be following the same path that keeps landing me the wrong kind of woman.

What do I do? Sometimes I look at her and I am totally in love but I cannot show it. Other times I just see an immense ice queen that constantly looks through my cellphone reading any messages and checking the call logs to make sure I am not cheating on her. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? I am not allowed to go out and have a beer. I quit smoking for her 3 months ago, because she really wanted me to, but now she says It had nothing to do with her, so she even took that respect away from me. She is extremely critical of everything I do, and sometimes it feels like she is looking very hard to find something to complain about. I have tried to get both her alone into counseling, and both of us together, but she refuses to go. She says I need counseling, but she is just fine. I suspect from her actions, that there may be possibility of her being raped as a child or something, but she has never admitted anything of the sort. I don't know what to do. When do you know enough is enough, and when to call it quits? I am wasting the prime of my life, does anyone have any advice?

[captainpecan]

By the way, I do not wish to make it appear that I am perfect, and she does everything wrong. This is far from the truth, and I am quite sure I start many arguments simply because I get pissy for one reason or another. Usually it is because I feel not wanted, and at least when we are fighting, I get some attention. Sounds really bad, but it's true. So I am by far not perfect myself. I am just getting tired of getting this thing wrong. Any help would be appreciated, as I now have my eye on someone else once again. I have not spoken to her, or even made a move. But the simple fact that I am interested in someone else again is making me wonder what the hell I am doing. Our lease is up next month, and I am running out of time to make some tough decisions.

[simoneaugie]

She is always there for you? Is she ever there for you? It sounds like she likes control. You, on the other hand allow yourself to be both controlled and used. No, you would not be shallow to leave her, that would be sane.

Don''t jump into a relationship right away. So, you've gone a year without sex, what's another few months? Counseling, yes. Use it to work on you. Meet women in places other than bars, etc. Join a hiking group, a photography class or a cooking class.

What mistakes have you made in the past with women who treated you badly? How did you meet them? How well did you get to know them before having sex? What signs did you ignore before? What did their friends say? What type of work did they do? Were your backgrounds similar?

Remember, a pretty face or a hot body may attract you visually but, listen to your heart, not your little head.

[artlady]

When do you know enough is enough, and when to call it quits? I am wasting the prime of my life, does anyone have any advice?

When a relationship has become a chore that you face everyday with dread,its time to throw in the towel.

When one partner refuses to be in the relationship 100% its time.

When there is no hope left that things can improve,its time.

When you are always looking for someone else out of the corner of your eye and always question your partners love and commitment,its time.

If there is no possibility for change then I would say you need to rethink your relationship.

Either you accept the way things are , as she has made it clear,she is not going to change or move on.

I would tell her that if she is not willing to go to therapy and work on the issues in the relationship,you are leaving.If that does not motivate her to rethink counseling,then I think you have your answer.

[Janmarie]

Basically, she is robbing you from one of the most precious gifts life has to offer in a loving relationship. Sex is a huge part and your needs are not being taken care of by your partner and in successful relationships it is all about giving and receiving. Her hang ups about sex is not your fault and it isn't something you need to fix. You cannot change people. You just need to finally tell yourself this relationship is not working for you and if you stay in it you will cheat on her. It is better to be honest with yourself and her now. Without sex in a relationship it is only a friendship maybe that is what it was meant to be between you.

[Dare81]

I don't even think you can call what you have going on as a relationship.You don't hug,kiss, sleep together, there is no trust or communication.This relationship has been dead for a long time/.Move on sort your issues.

[talaniman]

Leave, and don't comeback! Leave the other females alone too, until you figure yourself out and become a better judge of character.

Don't let the little head lead you, because that's your whole problem. Your quest for physical love, has led you down some wrong paths.

Let the big head lead you for a while.

[captainpecan]

Thanks for all your support. Unfortunately I already know what you are all telling me. And you are exactly correct. It does help to get some outside views to make sure I'm not as warped brained as she seems to make me feel I am. Unfortunately I feel I have another break up to go through. I agree also, I need counseling myself. I can see in myself, a very low self esteem that is allowing all this to happen to begin with. I tried something last night, that I had not thought through enough obviously. I told her that I was hurting inside because I did not feel loved, and that I am so starved for sex that I was afraid I would end up cheating on her if she did not change, unless I left her. She got all pissy, then said it was okay to have sex. She then just laid there cold and lifeless. I did not continue at all, got dressed, and went back upstairs. I have never felt anything like that before. It was the biggest turn off I have ever had. It was then that I realized, her giving sex to appease me is not solving a problem at all, it would make it even worse. Because now I can't just sit there not getting sex and wishing I was, I am sitting here not getting sex, and knowing damn good and well I am not wanted. That is a totally different feeling, and I have never been so turned off by anyone in my entire life.

[JoeCanada76]

This time make this break up permanent and move on for good.

[itried]

Sounds like she has some past sexual abuse issues. My ex was the same way so I completely understand where it is that you're coming from. I stayed with her because I didn't see myself as the type of guy to leave someone because of the issues related to that type of experience. Once she started to get help and get medicated she still left me even though I patiently waited for her and suffered along with her (though not in the same way).

In the end, this is her problem to deal with. If and when she ever decides to move on from it and get help with dealing with whatever issues she has, don't be too sure that she'll want to be with you when she's "fixed".

My advice: Get out of this relationship and don't let someone else's problems bring you down.

[SkinsAddict]

Honestly, Sex is important. Your options made simple:

1. Really hardcore talk to her about the ice queen sitch
2. Go for a random hookup and end straight back where you start
3. Actually take some time to figure out what you want in life and get back into dating/relationships when you feel your ready.

Hope you make the right choice.

[liz28]

This so called relationship has run it course because it is broken and it takes 2 to fit it but yourself doesn't sounds like she wants to. It likes being stuck in a loveles marriage where the two people are staying together because their familiar with one another and don't want to start over. I couldn't be in this kind of situation and would just leave no matter what.

It best for the two of you to go your separate ways and find someone that can make each of you happy.