[swirlgirl]

I would like some opinions on this: My mother, out of state from me, whom is now in a nursing home... my brother... pays my cousin... $650.00 to HELP, take care of my mom... when my mom lived at home I could understand... my cousin's mobile home payment is $650.00 and since she then lived at my mom's house to help take care of her... they (my brother and my cousin) agreed on the $650.00... I could understand as she did do a lot for my mom... but now that my mom is in a nursing home... my cousin is still living at my mom's house... (why I don't really know) and my brother is still paying my cousin, while my mom is in the nursing home and does not need the help she needed before... My cousin nor my brother bother to call me on the phone nor e-mail me regarding any of this or news on my mom.

I would like some feedback on the above... but added to that is this... my aunt whom is elderly and SHOULD be in nursing home, relies on a neighbor and myself to do her shopping, and help her out at home... which lately she has been paying me for deep cleaning at $8.00 an hr... when I work that and more... and I only get an hr. of pay.

She has a son whom has never offered to help me financially for helping out his mom... before it was my niece type of duty... she was getting around on her own, she paid me for gas ($5.00) if we did not drive her car... and she got me a fast food lunch, we visited and she did her own shopping etc. while I did mine... now it is she gives me a list, I go sometimes in her car... no gas money if I take mine... no money to pay for a fast food lunch... and if I get something wrong by way of her list... she expects me to take it back!

I am almost 56, I have an adult mentally disabled son, I have no steady job and am in debt up to my eyeballs... my aunt is poor granted... but after 6 years it is getting old not getting paid for my labor, time and effort... her son recently has been paying a private physical therapist over $800 for a few visits to help my aunt!! Why can't he pay me?. he knows my cousin on the other side of the family, gets paid for helping my mom... please feedback would be great... I am building up resentment fast... thanks swirlgirl

[George_1950]

One thing to consider: probably all states have a law for guardianship of the person, or guardianship of property (or both, combined). You should consider this for your mother, and your aunt. It would give you control of the money, and re-introduce fairness into the equation. It may also 'undo' past relationships, such as powers of attorney and joint bank accounts, so that family business can be handled fairly.

[dontknownuthin]

OK. First you are in a tough situation being far from your mother so make it your business to be involved and informed. Call the nursing home to ask how she's doing, ask if she gets many visitors - find out if any particular people are particularly helpful to her.

Talk to your brother and let him know that you want to be more included in decisions about her care and finances and see if he would be open to that. Just ask him what your cousin is doing for her and why he is continuing to maintain your mother's home. He may just not know how to tell the cousin that the gig is up, and Mom's home needs to be sold to provide for her nursing care. Perhaps he needs you to offer to do the dirty work. It's hard to tell someone, "hey, your cut off and you have to move - we're selling the house", but truly, it sounds like that's at the point you are at now.

Talk also to your brother about the possibility of your mother divesting of her financial assets now - giving them to you and your brother in a legal manner now, or over the next few years. There is a huge benefit to doing this in many states. That is, when she's out of money for her nursing care, typically medicaid starts paying for it 100%. If she has money, that money has to be spent first. Talk to an accountant about how this works (in the state she lives in - your local laws will not apply in another state). And if moving would improve your circumstances and enable you to help your mother, go for it.

As for your neighbor, I am sure you are doing these things to be helpful and I can see how when someone becomes dependent, it becomes a responsibility instead of a neighborly gesture. If it's too much, talk to the neighbor's family - whomever is responsible for their care. You could let them know, "I really love caring for Agnes but you know, things are tough for me with my son and all and I'm finding I need to cut back on anything that doesn't produce an income because of our financial circumstances. I was wondering if you would be interested in hiring me as her personal aid? I could clean for her and take her to the doctor and store, and check in on her - we could have an established arrangement and a set schedule. I would need $12 an hour (or whatever you think is fair - I just made that up)." I would so love to just do it for free, but I have to get a job, and I thought before I do, since it will leave her in a lurch given her dependence on me while I haven't been working, I'd mention the idea. Of course, if it won't work I will do what I can for her, but I will have a lot less time and you'll need to line up some more help". Then see what happens.

The two situations are separate and you can't put them together in your head - they aren't related at all.

Best wishes to you!