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horriblemom · Jan 29, 2009, 10:47 AM

I left my control freak/gambling ex a few years ago, and he took both of my teens to his attorney and had them sign papers saying they wanted to live with him. He got custody because of their ages, and he hit me for child support (after I worked 2-4 jobs at a time to support us all those years he gambled etc). Keep in mind I was the one who went to all the events and took them everywhere and my world revolved around them.

My son has not spoken to me, except to curse me, in 2 1/2 years. Obviously, he will not visit me and even though I have every right to him, my ex told my son he did not have to visit me unless he wanted to. After all, what could I do about it? My son is bigger than me.

I had taken my daughter with me (my son asked to stay) when I left, but as soon as she went to visit her dad, she changed her mind. I was taking my daughter to counseling because she has gain in excess of 70 lbs since the divorce and is just miserable with life. She told the counselor she wanted to make the decision whether to visit me or not (I was forcing her) so he said I should give her a choice. After giving her a choice, she began standing me up on my planned vacations, holidays, anytime I had plans. Per my counselor's advise, when she refused to come over at Thanksgiving, I did not go get her the next weekend for visition. Boy was she mad, and she has not been back since (over 3 months).

Now she says she does not want a relationship with ANY of my new family (I remarried last year). She says she will only come over if I go somewhere with her and leave everyone else out. She says she had a family of 4 and does not want another family. If I'm not willing to be in that family of 4, then she doesn't want me. I am miserable without my children, but I'm also very disappointed with their actions. I thought taught them better than this.

Does anyone have any advice? Has this happened to others? EEEKKK!!

GirlWSlingshot · Jan 30, 2009, 12:15 PM

How old are the kids?

Elfbwillow · Jan 30, 2009, 01:13 PM

I was going to ask the same question - how old are they as depeding on their ages depends on what you can do.

I have no expertise in this so please understand that what Im saying is just my ideas

Firstly I would suggest speaking with the courts or lawyer who you dealt with in custody hearing (perhaps they may not be right people? Though Ive never been through it so I unfortunately am not in the know) - have you joint custody or does he have sole custody? If its joint then you are legally allowed access automatically I think? Therefore the courts would have to make your husband let you see the children. The problem with them not wishing to see you could be helped through meeting with them, without your ex, in the company of a councillor or family expert? Somewhere neutral or even of their choosing.
If he has sole custody you are still from what I understand allowed access which has to be arranged between yourselves and the courts?
Either way he can not stop you seeing them.
If they are younger - the above I would imagine would be easier, if they are older teens though below 18 it may be harder and perhaps try along lines of offering them supervised meetings with someone - if the offer comes from you they may accept? If older than 18 I don't think there is much unfortunately you can do as they are adults in their own right.

They are just my ideas. As I said above, I have no expertise either legal or experience so please if you think anything I said is good (you may not) then check it out first - don't take it as red that I am right.

I hope everything sorts itself out for you

godiscool · Jan 30, 2009, 05:35 PM

For your last question, Yes other people has definitely had this problom before.
Now. All you need to do is go to your ex's house, pick up your kids, and spend some quality time with them.

horriblemom · Jan 31, 2009, 07:57 AM

My son is 17 and my daughter is 15. My ex-husband got full custody only because he got the kids to say they wanted to live with him. He is rarely home and lets them do as they please. They each have a TV with full dishnetwork, and each have a computer with unlimited internet access (which I am SOOOO against).

Legally I have visitation every other weekend and on Thursdays, but when I go to pick them up, my son screams and cusses at me and threatens to rip me apart. He stands behind a locked door and does this and then he runs and hides in the house (with the door locked). I called the local police over one day trying to get my son to go with me, and they say they cannot get involved.

My counselor says the judge here favors men, and I can try to take him to court, but he doesn't think the judge will do anything about it because the judge feels teens should stay with the parent they chose and doesn't consider a huge weight gain or letting the kids run wild as "abusive".

I have gone to my son's work and when he sees me, he runs and gets in his truck and locks the doors. My ex runs if anyone comes to his door too. He always sent me to the door and hid in the bedroom behind a locked door. I think my son is just mimicking dad's behavior. I have sent cards, emails, left voice mails etc telling my son I miss him and love him, and he responds with mean and hateful comments.

talaniman · Jan 31, 2009, 03:33 PM

Stop putting yourself through this hell. You leave them alone that's what you do.

Sorry, but reality is what it is, and hopefully they will miss you, but for now, doesn't look like it.

horriblemom · Feb 10, 2009, 07:09 AM

I know I should just leave them alone, but I feel like I'm giving up on them and leaving them to a miserable life there. My daughter has gained 70 lbs and my son treats women disrespectfully and I keep feeling it is my responsibility to do something to help them. I just can't though. I asked my daughter to come over again this week and she says she will not be part of my family. Says she wants a happy family of 4 and she lays out all the rules (meaning I have to come back there although I'm re-married). I can see he is working on them... at least it seems that way.

Thanks for all of the advice.

NCDad · Feb 20, 2009, 08:11 PM

Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I have experienced something similar in my life. You can read my posts and get all the details. I know exactly what you are going through. I know the pain that cuts so deep it feels like it is literally ripping you apart. I know the sleepless nights and the endless days wondering what is happening to you, how it could be happening, and why it is happening. I know, I have lived it. This is what I did and am doing. Obviously you have done all you can do, believe me there is only so much you can do. There comes a time when you just have to let go. For your own sanity and health, you have to let go. You have to realize that you have done all you can do and accept that in spite of your best efforts things are the way they are. This is not to say that you give up, no not at all. But you have to give yourself a break from all of the drama and heartache and you have to do what is best for you. You back off, let things settle down. You let the kids know you love them and that you are still there for them if they need you, but you stop pursuing them. You do what is necessary to get yourself together and regain your strength. You have to let yourself heal. You are no good to them if you are needy and they will not respect you if you are needy. I know it is hard almost impossible to think they would treat you this way, but realize they are in a toxic environment and their opinions are very skewed. They are also still kids and they simply don't have the capacity to understand what is really going on. They are just trying to survive and they are doing what they have to do in their minds to survive. Concentrate on yourself and the relationships with your new family. Pamper yourself in some way, this will help the healing to begin. Understand that this situation is temporary. They will not always be children, one day they will be able to see through adult eyes and when their eyes are opened you want them to be able to look back and see that you were there for them and you did care and you didn't give up. Continue to send them notes or e-mails, call occasionally if you can. But keep a just a little distance, don't apply any pressure. Once a month extend an invitation to them to go eat or something. They may refuse but they will know that you invited them and you are still there and still care. Don't give up, just give them a little space. Try that and see how that works. It has worked for me. I am much happier and since I let go my kids have shown more interest in me... I wish you well.

horriblemom · Feb 23, 2009, 10:00 AM

NCdad: Thanks! It is good to know I'm not the only one who has this problem. I am finally coming to the reality that they are never coming back as children, and I'm starting to accept it. Thanks so much for your comments. I sure hope your children come back to you too! Good luck and may God bless you.