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rosieposie71 · Jan 12, 2009, 03:01 AM

Please help I am at my wits end!
My 18 year old son is not coming home for days, he is out drinking but he is not going to work too. About once a month he rings in sick on a Monday morning and I am scared that he is going to get the sack soon, I am just worried as he has a good job and at his age he won't get another chance like this one.
He went out on Saturday at 1pm and he is still not home (its Monday at 10am) I rang him a few times yesterday and he kept saying I will be home soon, I am on my way etc.. I last spoke to him at 11.30 yesterday and said to him that he should come home as he has got work in the morning he then told me he had booked a day off (which is a lie) he then put the phone down on me. I sent him a text stating if he doesn't come home now and go to work in the morning I will pack his bags as I am fed up of this. He is still not home and I have had to take a holiday off work today as I never got no sleep and I just feel like crying all the time as there is nothing I can do and I am just so fed up of this nearly every weekend. The places were he drinks is so rough and there is a lot of drugs around that area and he seems besotted with a girl in the pub who just messes him around!
About a year ago he went of the rails and was horrible to everyone in the house, stole his little brothers money out of the money boxes, said he was going to kick his dads head in and hated everyone so I chucked him out and he lived with his nan for a couple of months. He then apologised and came home but he is slowly slipping back again.
I am afraid to pack his bags as he will lose his job and might start sleeping in his no-good mates houses and go down the drugs road.
I have got two other sons aged 6 and 11 and I don't want them to see me upset all the time. My husband says don't chuck him out just don't do anything for him, washing, ironing, dinners etc and if he loses his job then you can tell him to go.
Can anyone help as I feel as though I will be on anti-depressants soon!!

vexation · Jan 12, 2009, 03:32 AM

Hello
There are a lot of mothers out there with teenaged children going through similar events and it is very hard because there seems to be no right or wrong .I feel at this time you must not do or say anything that will push our boy away but at the same time be firm. Talk to him from your heart and try to show him and tell him that you want only what is good for him . It is tuff but you have to down play what he is going and what your husband is saying is right - show him that you care but also show him that if he wants to make his bed then he will lay in it
Talk with him and set up some rules and go from there Good Luck

Fr_Chuck · Jan 12, 2009, 05:13 AM

He is already sleeping at the no good mates houses, He is merely abusing his rights at your house.

Time to set some hard rules and make it your way or the high way.
You will not make him lose any job, this is his choice.

dontknownuthin · Jan 12, 2009, 11:07 AM

This is the behavior of an alcoholic and addict and he may not be capable of doing what you want simply because you are crying and upset and angry. Tough love is all you can offer. He needs to be out of your house. Pack up his belongings as you threatened - you will have no power over him if you back down on that threat - it has to be real. Change the locks. Tell him to call you when he's ready to go to rehab and that you will give him a ride and be there for him.

I had an alcoholic/addicted relative. I told him as long as he's actively abusing substances, I will have nothing to do with him. I also told him I would be his biggest cheerleader if he was on the path to sobriety - I would help him get into treatment, take him there and help him rebuild his life once he completed a program, as long as he stayed actively involved in it. He came around in his own time - a very long time.

It wasn't a one-time fix though. At other times, family members had him arrested and all sorts of things - we had him committed for 72 hours as a danger to himself as he was hallucinating from drugs, with the plan that once he sobered up, he might be willing to go to treatment. He was furious, but he went to treatment and he's leading a good life now.

shamika · Jan 19, 2009, 06:59 PM

I'm going to start by saying, stop blameing his mate because he's only going to get defensive (even if you don't like her). Okay sometimes you have to stoop just a little to see eye to eye. One day when it's just you and him ask him what's up? Why are you letting your so call friends affect our relationship? Let him know (in a kind understanding voice) what you've gone through to make sure he makes it in life, Let him know that you lose sleep worrying about him.And let him know that you are nolonger going to step in and rescue him, that you love him but if this continues you will have to love him from a distance, KEEP IT SHORT AND SWEET, when you walk away he'll be thinking about it. Always use a different approach when things aren't working out.