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20082008 · Jan 4, 2009, 03:51 PM

My ex and I had a huge fight during which I told him that we're over. He did not try to stop me, rather reacted defensively by shouting for me to Go Away. At that point I tried to calm him down and told him that I only said what I said in a fit of rage and that I still wanted us to be together. I truly did not want to break up at that point even though we did have our share of arguments and problems. We were also planning to get married. He kept screaming for me to go away and said we couldn't be together. Said that I myself had said that I was miserable in the relationship. This was a guy who adored me. I couldn't believe that he would act this way and actually let me leave even if he was in a fit of rage. I ended up leaving.

Two days later he starts sending me messages saying that I shattered his dreams and that he now wants to be by himself. I replied saying that this is better and that we would now be able to find ourselves and be calmer. After that, he starts sending me messages that he loves me and that he adores me and that all that was said was done in a fit of rage. I reply telling him we cannot be together. Truth is I felt so betrayed with his behaviour on that night of our break up, that I didn't want to be with him. That night had been icing on the cake for me as our relationship wasn't perfect. We had plenty of fights and I felt that we lacked communication on certain levels.

Anyway, there follows 4 months of Jekyl and Hyde text messaging terrorism during which I nearly went crazy. In our last conversation, I had told him that we will never be together again as a couple and that I did not love him the way that I wanted to. Told him his behaviour was childish and that he had no pride. I said many harsh words just to get him to stop. After that, I changed my number for my peace of mind.

Fast forward 3 months, I had calmed down and was able to see things differently. I decided to give him a call. Told him I wanted to talk later that day and asked if I can call him later. He said no, I will call you. He never did. And this was a man who professed that he loved me to no end. I thought he would be thrilled to hear from me. During the 'stalking' phase, he would tell me that if I ever changed my mind, whether it was months or years from now, he would be there. Why do you think he did not call back?

expat2009 · Jan 4, 2009, 04:30 PM

It's simple really. He moved on. You broke his heart and now he also sees things more clearly. When you broke up with him his feelings were all over the place, you left an empty void inside him that he desperately needed to fill. After those harsh words you probably made more damage than you can ever imagine. Slowly, he started to fill that void with himself and became more like the man he used to be. He probably now realizes he is better off without you anyway. You see, you are remembering all those good times, he mostly remembers all that pain you caused him.

In this site you will find MANY guys that are in the exact position he was in those few weeks/months after you broke up with him. Believe me, we know what he went through, and it's VERY tough. He gave you time, but you decided you wanted him back when it's probably too late. I'm sorry. If he wants to talk, he will call you. If not, then let him be as you are only causing both of you more pain.

20082008 · Jan 4, 2009, 04:46 PM

I totally understand this, however, what upsets me is that I truly did love him but was not in a position to tell him post break-up because he just wouldn't let me be. I actually ended up saying the opposite so that he would just leave me alone. As I said in my first post, I wasn't planning on breaking up with him but what happened that night created bitterness on my part. If only he had let me be for a while then we may still have been together and worked out our problems.

The mistake most guys (and girls) make is pursuing contact immediately after a break-up. This causes more damage to an already fragile relationship. If they would just let the other party be and let them initiate contact when/if they feel ready, then many relationships would be saved.

expat2009 · Jan 4, 2009, 05:06 PM

Originally Posted by 20082008

I totally understand this, however, what upsets me is that I truly did love him but was not in a position to tell him post break-up because he just wouldn't let me be. I actually ended up saying the opposite so that he would just leave me alone. As I said in my first post, I wasn't planning on breaking up with him but what happened that night created bitterness on my part. If only he had let me be for a while then we may still have been together and worked out our problems.

The mistake most guys (and girls) make is pursuing contact immediately after a break-up. This causes more damage to an already fragile relationship. If they would just let the other party be and let them initiate contact when/if they feel ready, then many relationships would be saved.

Well, I've been pretty good in that respect. I have not contacted her except for once --to let her now I'd give her the space she wants-- then we exchanged short n simple holiday texts. It's been 4 weeks now, and it's soooo hard not calling her. Maybe if your ex had found this site sooner, things would be different for you guys.

If you need help though, this is the right place. All I can say to you is do the same you asked from him. Let him be, leave him alone, if he wants you back he will contact you maybe. Don't wait for it though as the pain can last a long time and he may never contact you. Live your life as you have done the past few months and you will get better eventually. Realize that if it's meant to be it will be.

oldenoughtoknow · Jan 4, 2009, 05:17 PM

So you dumped him, slagged him off didn't speak to him for 3 months, changed your number and you expect him to come running back? Wow. I wish the best for him and hope he's moved on and hope you learn from it too.

ThatGuy2 · Jan 4, 2009, 05:39 PM

You live and learn from the decisions you make. He did not ask for his dreams to be shattered and his heart to be trampled, you put him through that. Don't play games with his heart thinking he should stop you from breaking up or he should come crawling back to you after you threw him out like yesterdays garbage, it's an unbelievably fragile thing. If he still loves you enough to give you a chance, something you never gave him, you will hear from him. Otherwise, concentrate on yourself and move on.(you'll hear this a lot on this forum probably because it's the best for you)

billy jet · Jan 5, 2009, 09:38 AM

I agree totally with expat . I was in the same situation as 20082008's ex except I found this site and got better,its been 4 months since she dumped me, I've had no contact. Time has allowed me to stop the hurting and regain myself confidence . I keep busy, go to the gym see family and friends and I sleep comfortably. I have moved on and I think 2008's ex has too, so 2008 leave him alone and you will also feel better in time.

20082008 · Jan 5, 2009, 02:36 PM

I have no intention of contacting him again and honestly do not feel he will contact me either as it's been a while. Things turn out a certain way for a reason.

I realize he got hurt but so did I. He hurt me more than he realized during those 4 months. If I wasn't hurt and angry, I could have had him hanging on for a very, very long time telling him things like I need space... etc. but I was clear and told him we were over and for him not to have any hope of us being together in the future. I hurt myself more in the process.

Guys... for those of you that have girls telling you they need space... what they are really telling you is I don't want to be with you anymore but I still like the fact that you're pining over me. Never fall into that trap.

expat2009 · Jan 5, 2009, 03:21 PM

What sort of thing would you recommend to guys that are stuck in that way? It would be very helpful too many of us!

20082008 · Jan 5, 2009, 03:57 PM

If a girl breaks up with you for no particular reason i.e. not something you did to upset her, then, the truth of the matter is she is just 'not that into you'. This may be hard to accept, however that is the cold truth.

If you want them back, the best thing to do is say that perhaps she is right in deciding to break up. Then cut off all contact unless she initiates. When/if that happens, do not seem overly enthusiastic that she called but at the same time do not sound angry. Be neutral and cut the conversation short. She will start to wonder...

Basically, you need to let her miss you. If she knows that you are constantly there, she will not have a chance to. You need to show that you can live without her. However, there is a catch here. Even if she does return, there is a chance that she will break up again. So maybe you need to reconsider if you really want somebody in your life that is 'just not that into you'.

expat2009 · Jan 5, 2009, 05:13 PM

Good advice, thanks a lot. I've cut contact with her and do not initiate contact in anyway (apart from a simple Happy New Year text--which she replied much in the same way, and a reply to her happy xmas text) Since then, I am going strictly NC. Not even touching Facebook. It's not to get her back, it's for me because there is a 95% chance she is not interested in having me back. So there's no sense in hanging aroun waiting and hurting. I'm worth a lot I believe, and a chick that doesn't see it, is not worthy. IF she wanted me back, she'd need to REALLY want me back, and be willing to work on the issues that led to our "break". If she doesn't, then so be it.

Thanks

20082008 · Jan 12, 2009, 06:58 AM

Hi again. I can't seem to get my ex out of my mind even though I was the one to end it.

As I mentioned in my 1st post I had gotten in touch with him 3 months after we had our last conversation saying we need to talk. Said he'd call me but never did.

Anyway, the thing is I cannot get him out of my mind. In one way or another, he's occupied my mind since we broke up which was 11 months ago. In the beginning it was a mixture of anger, frustration, pain. Then, with him doing the begging, pleading thing, I felt that he was trying to manipulate me and felt total lack of respect on his end. Also, with everything that had happened, I just wanted to move on and heal and this constant contact wasn't helping me to. It hurt too much even though I never told him.

What hurt the most was every time I told him it was over, he would try and place the blame on me, that I was bailing out etc. Then, he would start with the undying love messages which I ignored thinking he would stop but wouldn't so I would have to tell him again that there is no hope and then came the blaming messages again. This cycle went on for 4 months. It made me sick to my stomach.

During this whole time, I never blamed him for anything even though there were many things I felt he had done wrong. Even when he told me on his own initiative that it was all his fault, I reassured him that it wasn't, and that we were just not compatible.

Anyhow, now that the dust has settled, I still cannot get him out of my mind. It now pains me that I didn't tell him that I loved him and that his behaviour after the break up had hurt me (not just bothered me as that would mean that I didn't care about him). Right now it feels that I will never get him out of my mind. Perhaps it's because I do not feel that I have closure or because I should not have let my pride get in the way since he truly loved me. Perhaps it's because I was at a point in my life where I was ready to settle down. We were engaged. It's been 11 months already. Will this ever end? What do I do?

talaniman · Jan 12, 2009, 07:54 AM

You have said it yourself that you keep opening a wound that can't heal because you have stayed in contact with him.

Not only must you not contact him, but don't let him contact you. Then time will heal. That's should be easy, as you didn't communicate well before, and basically nothing has changed.

Be honest with yourself as your waiting for him to show he wants you back. You don't want to move on, or you would.

20082008 · Jan 12, 2009, 08:23 AM

It's been 4 months since I made that phone call. No contact since then from either side.
I had never initiated contact with him prior to that. It was all his doing. It just seems that the pain will never go away.

Romefalls19 · Jan 12, 2009, 08:38 AM

The pain will go away, find more productive things to do than think about him. Time will heal all, but it's the hardest to take because it takes so long

ka1 · Feb 12, 2009, 07:25 PM

Yes, 20082008 it would seem that indeed he has moved on. If he really loved you then, he could be just avoiding you because he does not want to be hurt again, or subconsciously he feels like you deserve the pain you feel. I would bet you both have been true at some point to him. I started an anonymous blog in which I talked about how I do in fact want my ex to feel the pain I feel. Not that I wish her harm, I don't. But I'm not rooting for her "happiness" without me either.

I do find it interesting that there was a reversal in behavior. He said things at the breakup the really damaged you, and then you did the same thing to him. All I can say is that this may be, emphasis on maybe, a perfect example of relationships that end and didn't have too. How? Because so many people have not learned conflict resolution skills. So they say things in anger and in ways to either hurt or win the argument. The argument you described sounds like that to me.

I think he loved you, and that he did not know how to deal with the break-up, and so you had the 4 months of him chasing. If I did not have friends calling me constantly, I may do a lot of what he is. I'm also am lucky (oddly enough considering there is a real possibiliy that distance played a part in the emotional distance between us. If anyone wants to know what I mean by that tell me) that she is not in the same city as me. If he was just really stalker crazy, then he would not have stopped, and would have called you by now. The pain he felt though may have just killed the love bond at the root.

One thing others on this board try to relate to people like me, is that the reason so many break-ups don't get back together is that destroying the love bond connection to your ex is the only way to survive the break-up. And once its gone, its gone short of a lot of therapy and determination. Even though my other posts don't show it, I do know that, and always have. It's the reason I tried very hard at he beginning of this "separation" to not have it come to this. Because I know that in order for me to survive, I have to just not contact, but emotionally kill it, so to speak, and there is no turning back from that. And since I'm in my life my "gut" and head have seldom been wrong when each agrees with the other, I know my ex will be in your shoes at some point ,and it won't matter. ***now for those that are thinking right now that I'm just fooling myself again, all I can say is if I'm wrong I'll never know anyway, so, well there it is.***

ka1 · Feb 12, 2009, 07:42 PM

Originally Posted by 20082008

If a girl breaks up with you for no particular reason i.e. not something you did to upset her, then, the truth of the matter is she is just 'not that into you'. This may be hard to accept, however that is the cold truth.

If you want them back, the best thing to do is say that perhaps she is right in deciding to break up. Then cut off all contact unless she initiates. When/if that happens, do not seem overly enthusiastic that she called but at the same time do not sound angry. Be neutral and cut the conversation short. She will start to wonder....

Basically, you need to let her miss you. If she knows that you are constantly there, she will not have a chance to. You need to show that you can live without her. However, there is a catch here. Even if she does return, there is a chance that she will break up again. So maybe you need to reconsider if you really want somebody in your life that is 'just not that into you'.

I'm puzzled by this post. If that is true, why are you wanting him back?:confused: Look, I think, as a woman, you should always be careful about decisions you make based on how you "feel" Emotions will lead you to the wrong path more often then not. Think longer term. This is the point I tried to make about people married 25+ yrs. If either one of them made decision just based on the immediate emotional need, then they probably would not be married.

You mentioned how you just needed the space and the break and he would not give it to you. Someone else said that what is missed is the toll that takes on the dumpee. I don't think its something you may have understood at the time. In my own case, I think that my ex knows and does not care. My friends say that, assuming its not another guy, she does not realize because she's just concerned with what she wants. Either way, if you really did not want to break up with him at the time, then I think you should have sucked it up and threw this space garbage out the window. What happens the next time you need space? I again go back to the married couple, because I assume everyone here would love to have someone to be with and love till the day they die. You don't think there will be times you want to get away from your love in a 30yr time frame? I can GUARANTEE you will feel that way if you're married and have kids. Ask any parent. Or better yet just volunteer out of the blue to babysit for a couple with the kids, and look at their faces when you suggest it. It will prove my point sharply.

My point is simple. If you wanted to be with, or better yet in the future if you have a new man and you love him, space (assuming its not an excuse for something else, like a new love interest) is not an option. It is a poor excuse. You figure out what you need to with him, period. If you're dating or have not been together that long, then that may be different thing.

20082008 · Feb 13, 2009, 02:01 AM

I think you misinterpreted the above post. This does not apply to my situation. I posted that for people on this site that are given the line 'I want space'. That's not how things happened in my case. I did not ask for space. I agree with you that if two people want to be together they can work out their problems together and not have to have a break or what not. Space is just an excuse. I did not ask for that and would never do that. You saw from my post how things came about. The ultimate fight and everything that happened after that. I was clear to him that we would never ever be together again. I did not want him contacting me as it hurt too much. Emotions were high during that period. I could not think clearly. I was not calm but I did not let him know that. I didn't want him to know how hurt I felt for some twisted reason.