[SSgt USAF]

So, I guess I will start with a little background.

Currently I have full custody of my 5 year old son from a previous marriage. In that case, the mother didn't really want to have anything to do with him and she was on a lot of drugs and just wanted to party. I have full custody of him with supervised visitation at my discretion. Me and the mother are on decent terms so anytime she asks to see him I give her the court allowed 4 hours with her mother.

Now, here is where my problems start. After my divorce I began dating a girl. She seemed like a decent girl at the time but I found out about 6 months into the relationship she had issues with lying and other bad personal quirks that I did not like. So when she found out I was going to leave her, she intentionally got pregnant. She thought that since I married my first wife after she got pregnant that I would marry her. Sorry... but no.

So now she is EXTREMELY bitter. She uses my daughter to punish me. If I do not obey to her every whim, than I am not allowed to see her. So anyway, my daughter is 9 months old now and the mom lets me see her on a VERY limited basis. If the mom is feeling good than I get to see her. If the mom is in a bad mood, than I am met with a barrage of curse words involving sexual intercourse... with myself. So anyway, I have had enough. I went to see her today and she informed me that I am not to call my daughter by her birth name anymore because she changed it and if I do she will end my visit (which she did when I called her by her birth name out of instinct). The mother also refuses to even tell me what the name is! I am on the birth certificate as the father. I have given her a little bit of money since her birth but not much because I know the mother will not spend it on her. I offer to buy food and other items to help with the child but she refuses and just insists that I should have sexual intercourse with myself.

I have kept my calm for 9 d@*n months now and I have had enough. Can she really change her name like that? Also when I was leaving she told my daughter to say goodbye to the "soon to be stranger" as she is now threatening to move. Also, she said she changed her name so that when they move I will not be able to find them. She also made some claim about putting an "ad" in the newspaper looking for me and after 30 days it is considered abandonment if I didn't read the article and respond?

Lastly, there is nothing on paper from the court yet as I am having trouble getting enough money to afford a lawyer. Can anyone please give me some guidance? I am about to start selling stuff in order to afford a lawyer because I am really scared I am going to lose my daughter.

P.S. Sorry for the long post.

[SSgt USAF]

BTW, I am in Florida. Sorry!

[stevetcg]

Well, first, she cannot change the name like that and is lying to you. It takes both parents to allow that.

Second, go to court and get a custody and visitation agreement in place. That protects your rights to see your daughter on schedule and if she interferes with that she gets to answer to the court or risk losing her child altogether. That will also prevent her from moving.

You don't *need* a lawyer to get a support order in place. That is your first and most important step. Protect YOUR rights.

As for the ad, she is lying. She is required to make a good faith effort to contact you. She can be prosecuted for perjury if she doesn't and any judgments filed under the false pretense of good faith contact can be reversed. Putting an ad in the paper is only valid if she legitimately does not know how to contact you. If you are trying to get in contact with her the ad thing doesn't apply.

Don't let her play her silly stupid games. Go to court TODAY and file an tell them the games she is playing and try to get an emergency order in place.

And if worse comes to worse, find her in one of her good moods, go see your daughter and leave with her. She cannot legally stop you and if she physically tries it is assault. Call the police.

Please note: I am not a lawyer nor a legal expert but I read a lot of these posts by lawyers and experts. I am also a father of a baby girl and I would do anything for her.

[stevetcg]

Additionally, the ad in the paper only matters if she is trying to file some sort of legal judgement such as visitation or step parent adoption. Just having you branded "abandoning" your daughter means nothing.

And additionally, abandonment is a legal term that essentially involves you leaving a child to fend for herself, i.e. dropped her off at a bus stop. You are trying to support your child so the mother is just trying to rile you up.

Don't stress it. Go to court, get the order and ensure it is enforced. If she refuses to let you see her for one of your court ordered visitations, tell the court. Every time. Let her be a B if it makes her happy. You still have legal rights and the court does not give one fig about her issues.

[SSgt USAF]

The crappy thing is, because me and this girl were never married, she has more rights than me. A few months back when me and her were on OK terms, should would let my daughter spend the night at my house while she was working (she is a bartender). So for three days in a row I had my daughter and I called up the girl and told her that I would not be able to watch her on the 4th day because I had to work. She told me that she would NOT pick her up and I better make provisions for her overnight. We argued for a bit, but when it came down to it she never showed to pick her up that night. So I kept her again and the next day she started texting and calling me at 8am asking where our daughter was. I told her that I was just going to keep her for another day like she had said and I would give her back the next day. About 3 hours later the police showed up at my house and took her from me.

In the state of Florida if a couple has a child and the couple is never married than the mother has sole rights over the child until the case goes to court. She deems how much I can see her and has the right to call the police and have her taken from me if she wants.

On a side note, she also had the officer take everything that I had for my daughter; crib, play sets, food, bottles and diapers, and give it to the mother. I had no choice.

I made an appointment with an attorney for today at 1300. When I am done there I will post my findings in the hope that it might help someone in the future. Also, as the case progresses I will keep my thread up-to-date.

[stevetcg]

That doesn't sound right. If you are on the birth certificate you are the legal father. Who told you she has sole rights over the child?

Tell your lawyer about EVERYTHING that happened. I am no expert but it sounds a lot to me like the officer violated your rights as well as your ex.

[SSgt USAF]

I thought it was some serious BS to but when the officer was at my door telling me I had to relinquish my daughter... I had no choice. My 5 year old was at school during the time but I can't go to jail. I am all he has.

Either way, I am going to tell the lawyer everything and will post up what he says but I don't think that the cop would lie to me and if he did than IDK what to say. The cop was really nice to me and understanding. He even told me he hated to do it since his son was going through the same ordeal, but Fl has some F'ed up laws and I had no choice. What I do know, if the girl does plan to leave the state with my daughter, as soon as I file for paternity she cannot legally leave. After that she has to petition to leave the state and I would NEVER allow it.

The only thing I am worried about is seeing my daughter without having to deal with the mother. What a happy day that will be. I know I will have to pay back child support which will hurt me a lot but it will be worth it. Money was one of the biggest things that was holding me back before. I couldn't afford to get a lawyer and pay child support. Now I can, but that initial backed child support will hurt me tremendously as I do not have that kind of funds on hand and my ex-wife does not pay child support for my 5 year old, nor has she ever paid.

[stevetcg]

I would get the money from your ex to support your 5 year old. Your child is owed that money. But that is just me.

I don't believe that the officer would lie to you. But he is only human. You might have been obligated to give up your daughter, but him taking your possessions is clearly not right.

[SSgt USAF]

The mother of my 5 year old is a druggy party girl. It was one of those situations where we were both young and dumb. High school sweethearts, she got knocked up and we loved each other so we got married. Now she claims I held her back from all the things she really wanted to do (sleeping around and doing drugs and partying 24/7) so she is making up for lost time. When we went to court she didn't even show up. For the second hearing she was in jail and for the third she showed up just to acknowledge what the judge had to say. She has given me 80 dollars out of the 2 years she has been required to pay. She gave me that money right after the court hearing and since than has used her money for other personal expenditures. I have talked to her about this numerous times. I told her that if she didn't want to pay the full amount to just open a savings and throw half the monthly alloted amount (a full month is $356) of about 200 into a savings for our son. It is a waste of breathe for me and I do not want her to go to jail because that is stupid. As much as I would want child support form my first wife, it will not happen.

As for my possessions being taken from me, the mother told the cop the items were hers and she needed them back to care for the baby. This was a total lie because I bought my daughter a bunch of honey oak furniture for her before birth. The stuff I had was portable. It was just about her being in control again. That is what ALL of this is about. If she is not in control than I will be punished by not seeing my little girl. Nothing like a woman scorned I tell you!!

[stevetcg]

Stop talking to her about it and start talking to the court that issued the support order. Why don't you want her to go to jail for it? Her wanting to be a party girl doesn't mean that she can just not support her children. Usuaully this advice is being handed to deadbeat dads, but deadbeat moms exist too and I have equally as little compassion for them. But again, its up to you.

As for your current situation... let the court deal with her and your lawyer deal with the crib, support and all that. Yeah - it's probably going to cost you quite a bit, but I know if it was me, I would be getting a second or seventh job for my kids.

Have patience and a bit of faith in the system. Even here in Florida, you are still her father and have rights. She can be scored all she wants. The court still has to follow the law.

[SSgt USAF]

I don't want her to go to jail because I feel that it isn't necessary and I... just don't feel that going to jail is the right answer. Yes, she should be paying but my son has a great life with me and her money is not missed at all. I have 2 jobs right now and being a single dad only affords me having 2 jobs.

Her missing his entire life is enough punishment even if she does not realize it at this time. I do not care about the money but it is unfair to my son... and that is the only reason I have talked to her about it. If my ex paid CS all I would do is put it in a savings account for him and let him use it for whatever he wants when he is of age. New car, nice down-payment on a house, a college degree... whatever. But like I said, her not being involved is just her loss. Money is of no importance to me.

[stevetcg]

Well, the argument can be made that it's your son's money regardless of whether YOU need it or not, but again, that's up to you. I'd make her pay just out of principal. And would put it in a bank account for his college because she owes him... not you. As a father it is your responsibility to look out for your child and that support is his right.

And because things are going well right now does not mean they always will. What if you lose one of your jobs? Or both? What if she shows up one day and tries to get custody/visitation? What if someday you meet Ms Right (for real) and get married and she wants to adopt your son? Think big picture, Sergeant.

But we digress. This is a different discussion altogether. I am patiently waiting to hear what your lawyer has to say. :)

[SSgt USAF]

I know what you mean. I just know she won't pay. I hope that one day she wants to be his mother. I guess I'm an optimist. I have a college fund for my son already and as much as I would like my ex to pay, she would go to jail before she would pay. Trust me, sometimes it just isn't worth it. I know that the money is for him and I wish she would pay but it just won't happen. As for meeting Mrs Right... does such thing exist? Lol. I appreciate your responses steve. I will let you know shortly how things go.

[cdad]

Are you still in the military ? If so are you going through them to get this resolved ? You might be able to get a lawyer that way and also fight for custody through military court. When a person is active in the military they take an active interest in matters like these. Im posting a link for you to check out and see if it applies to you.

http://www.abanet.org/family/militar...yLawIssues.pdf

[SSgt USAF]

So, some answers for people if they ever go through the same ordeal...

Issue one, name change. Since me and this girl were not married and the child was out of wedlock, in the state of FL the father has NO rights what-so-ever. Pretty crappy ehh? Well anyway, the provision she used to change my daughters name was incorrect. By placing an ad in the newspaper requesting my acknowledgment is only for mothers that have NO contact with the father and do not have any known address or phone number or ANY way of contacting the father. Thus the ad in the paper is drafted to attempt to notify the father and get any issues resolved. What she used it for was to be a little spiteful female dog. I talked to my attorney and she could have changed it, but it will be reversed as she used the provision for a purpose other than what it was originally designed for.

Second issue, leaving the state. As soon as the paperwork is filed for paternity she is not allowed to leave the state. After the court order is in place, FL law states that the primary care resident can not relocate further than 50 miles without consent from the other parent or a court order.

Third issue, visitation. Starting October 1 2008 FL has changed the way that custody is obtained and visitation is performed. They now call custody "time sharing" and are attempting to adopt more of a shared parental role instead of the original 2 weekends a month and 4 normal days. I am very happy with that because I personally think that 8 days a month with my daughter is total horse crap. With the work that I do and the hours and flexibility of my schedule he recommended that at a minimum we should succeed at a 60/40 time share role with my role being 40% of the time; however, we will be shooting for 50/50 and the odds are fairly good for me.

Thus the reign of this power hungry psycho BIA is over. She should be served by late this week or early next. I just wish I could be there when she receives them to see the look on her face. Especially when she finds out that what she did with my daughters name will be reversed. Serves her right for being a spiteful biter person. Well anyway, if anyone runs into this situation in the future, I hope this information helps you! I have covered quite a few legal topics with just my case! Lol.

[stevetcg]

Quick follow-up question that we never covered: is your name on the birth certificate as father?

[SSgt USAF]

Yes

[stevetcg]

Huh - doesn't seem right that you have no rights as you are the legal father. Did your lawyer tell you that?

[SSgt USAF]

I have no rights because me and the girl were not married and there hasn't been a court order. Yes it is crappy and yes my lawyer told me that. I tell you. Some laws in the country are totally out in left field.

[stevetcg]

Ok - I see where there law says that. Until paternity is established then you are not the legal father.

Did you sign an acknowledgment of paternity at the hospital? I do not know if Florida has them or not. I had to sign one when my daughter was born in MA.