[NightRyder]

Ok I'll try to make this brief, but it's all pretty raw for me right now so I may excessively go into detail... I apologize ahead of time.

I met my g/f in Colorado in December 2005 while out there for a year long project (I'm in construction management). She was 18 and I was 23 at the time. We hit it off really well and fell for each other very quickly... she decided to move back to Atlanta with me and move in with me all in one motion (around 5 months into the relationship). Things were going great until 2008 apparently... she had a lot going on emotionally... she's still in college and it was a lot for her to handle with her part time job... her dog since childhood passed away and that was really hard on her... I bought a house for us to move into and start our life together. It was a little excessive so I had to take on an extra job a couple nights a week to help pay for everything, but I wanted to provide everything I could for her. This, combined with my work travel and her school/work schedule, led to us not spending a whole lot of time together for the past 6 months or so... and Ill admit things got very 'routine' and it felt like we were in a bit of a rut sexually and emotionally... sometimes life just takes over I guess.

So I had major jaw surgery on December 11th and she was taking care of me... 1 week later she comes in and says that her best friend's mother bought her a plane ticket so she could go visit her friend in Colorado over Christmas. I was a little put out that she would leave me so soon after such a big surgery and over Christmas to boot, but I was happy she would get to see her friend so I dealt with it. Long story short, I uncovered the truth of the matter... her ex-boyfriend (first love, bla bla bla) actually bought her the ticket. When I confronted her with that she said that she was going out there to do 'soul searaching'. I asked her flat out if it was to see if there was anything between her and her ex because she felt like our 'spark' was waning/gone lately and she told me no, that she missed Colorado and wasn't sure she wanted to be in Atlanta anymore.

So here's where the drama begins... her best friend happens to be her ex's sister and absolutely hates him with a passion and knows how bad of a person he is and how badly he treated her in the past. Let me paint you a picture of the guy... he dumped her 8 times over their 2-3 years that they dated in high school... he got her pregnant twice and wasn't around to help through the abortions... he raped her... he cheated on her with 6 different girls (that she knows of... one of whom was her best friend at the time)... and he was emotionally abusive to her in every way possible... but she always went back to him for some ungodly reason that I still cannot figure out.

So here's what happened so far... I dropped her off at the airport Tuesday (Christmas eve) and apparently her ex picked her up from the airport and they talked for 2 hours on the drive to her best friend's Christmas dinner at her house. They then were in communication all night... both her best friend and her best friend's husband have tried talking to her about all of this and have been on my side the entire time because they know how good I've been to her and how bad her ex is. They basically have been filling me in on details of what she's doing because she's completely lying to me about every move she makes and what she's doing. She swore to me that she was still with me and would respect our relationship when she left, but then I find out that she went to his apartment around 6pm last night and ended up staying up late playing a poker game with he and his friends and then stayed over. I couldn't ever get in touch with her last night, called again this morning and her phone was off and when she finally called me she gave me the lame excuse of 'i fell asleep watching a movie on the couch... sorry' and denied her phone was off. Now she's lied to me so many times already that I don't know what to believe anymore... Apparently she got into a fight with her best friend over all this crap that she's doing to me and left her house with all her stuff and is staying at her ex's house for the rest of the weekend until she flies back Monday. Oh how the lies keep building... she hasn't told me ANYTHING so far...

Another caveat is that her parents live here in GA now and absolutely hate her ex as well. I have a good relationship with both her parents and have filled her mom in on the situation... she basically said she would cut her daughter off if she tried to move back to Colorado to be with this kid.

So essentially she's choosing this abusive ex that has screwed her over numerous times in the past over the stable and (or so I thought) loving relationship that she had here. She's apparently been harboring feelings for him ever since she moved her with me so I'm kind of glad all this came out before I proposed to the girl... yes it was getting to that point in my mind. She's going to lose me, her best friend, and her parents all in one fell swoop... and somehow she's justified that to herself...

So what are all your thoughts on this? I'm still very numb from being blindsided by this happening in the middle of what I thought was a healthy and loving relationship... I know that her ex is very manipulative and has some sort of hold over her psychologically, but never did I think it would cause her to do this...

What would you do in my situation? What do you think of what she's done... etc?

[cbsf]

Your g/f sounds a bit like my ex, except she's not as good at lying. Your feelings are raw and hurting, but I think now may be a good time to make a clean break. The fact that she's accepted the ticket from her ex and has made the choice to spend time with him doesn't respect your relationship. Some people are drawn to abusive relationships; I suppose that she still has feelings for him and may think she can change him. It sounds like she needs more than 'soul searching' -- she needs some psychological help. Whatever her reasoning, this is time for you to act and consider your own needs.

Someone posted a nice little quiz in another thread -- go through it and ask yourself if you would do the things she is doing, and vice-versa.

[expat2009]

Look mate I'm sort of a noob in this board but that doesn't mean I'm unexperienced in life. I can tell you one thing first off, you don't deserve this... why did she put you on the backburner when this guy treated her like crap time and time again?? You do not deserve this and she does not either as she sounds like a nice but very damaged and vulnerable girl. The difference here is that you can eventually move and she has showed you she hasn't and doesn't want to... why should you wait for her while she is still interested in a guy that is destroying her life? Not to mention, she LIED to you, several times!! Why should you take this crap?? Respect yourself mate, you deserve better than that!

In the end, you cannot do much to save her from herself only she can, and only she can realise this... and you know what... even if she did realise this, she has a lot of damage and that is a recipe for disaster and coul be potentially damaging for your wellbeing. You can wish her well and maybe advice her to seek professional help, but that's it.

You probably already know this deep inside you, but it's hard to accept... believe me, I know!

Its time to think about yourself for the moment.. you want to heal? Or you want to keep hurting? It's up to you now.

Be strong!

Best wishes mate... keep us posted

Only you can decide what to do, but you asked what we would do in your case. We can only give you the best advice we can as we do not have the feelings and history you have with her.

[talaniman]

One thing you never do is bring her parents into your relationship. Now I don't know, how you know what she is doing in another state, unless you have talked to her best friend. That's not what she is saying so you don't know, but its suspicious any way you cut it.

She has lied in the past,and there are to many red flags to ignore the fact, you are left in the dark.

Me I would have to know what was going on, and be ready to disappear from her life, as this has to many questions, and no answers, or trust.

The biggest red flag though, unless I read this wrong, is her continued association with someone who raped her? Not normal, and something is wrong with that picture. Her actions are not trustworthy, she has to go.

[NightRyder]

One thing you never do is bring her parents into your relationship. Now I don't know, how you know what she is doing in another state, unless you have talked to her best friend. Thats not what she is saying so you don't know, but its suspicious any way you cut it.

She has lied in the past,and there are to many red flags to ignore the fact, you are left in the dark.

Me I would have to know what was going on, and be ready to disappear from her life, as this has to many questions, and no answers, or trust.

The biggest red flag though, unless I read this wrong, is her continued association with someone who raped her? Not normal, and something is wrong with that picture. Her actions are not trustworthy, she has to go.

At the time I had nobody else to turn to and wanted to do whatever I could to realize what she was doing... and knowing her parents' feelings about this kid I figured I needed every ally I could get... and thus far they've supported me, but I have a feeling its more about getting their daughter back here and absolutely nothing to do with 'my' well-being.

And yes, both her best friend and her best friend's husband have been keeping me up to date on exactly what she's been doing the entire time she's been out there because they also know the kind of guy her ex is and how she is around him... it's like she's hypnotized or something and acts completely different than she normally does... I agree with some of you that she may need psychological help and I really feel for her...

An update to this post is that I, after a 6 hour conversation with a close friend last night have come to realize everything you guys have said already... she helped me see through the haze and pile of reactive crap that I was letting myself life in 'in the hopes that she MIGHT come back and POSSIBLY let me have the chance to have her back'... now that's completely horsecrap and nobody deserves that... least of all me... I've done nothing but care and provide for her for almost 3 years now...

One thing I couldn't figure out is why she's still bothering to lie to me... why not just say 'it's over' so she can do whatever she wants while she's still out there without any guilt at all (as though she's not already). Our guess is that she wants to be able to come back and get all of her stuff and then break it off... either way this relationship is over...

Thus, I've decided to take my respect back and take the power back in this situation. I've got a group of (formerly mutual) friends that are coming over today and tomorrow to help me pack up ALL of her stuff and we're going to go drop it all off at her parent's house (45 minutes away). I will also not be picking her up from the airport... I assume her mother will and will rip her a new one for this whole situation on the drive home. My goal here is 2-fold... on one hand it will put me back in control of the situation and allow for a clean break so that I won't have to sit there and watch her pack all of her stuff up and take a bunch of crap that was 'ours' but that I'd rather she not have... frankly she owes me so many months of bills that she can just deal with whatever I decide to give her and I'll wipe her debt clean for the rest of the knicknacks. One the other hand I also want her to learn from this. She's the type who has always gotten what she's wanted and always had someone there to pick up after her messes for her... I'm not planning on letting her know I know anything so that she'll get on that plane Monday. When she steps off that plane she's going to be blindsided by what happens next, but hopefully it'll be the jolt she needs to realize that she cannot treat people the way she has treated me and think its fine and get away with it.

Thoughts? Opinions? Legal ramifications? You may agree with me or think I'm a complete idiot for this, but I'm actually excited... she obviously has a lot to work on and doesn't deserve the kind of life I was offering her. I can do a lot better than that and I'm starting to realize it.

Thanks for any input.

[talaniman]

Sounds like a plan, and we will see if you can stick to it, and make it work, or not.

[grindin]

Yes!! All you can do is let her learn from HER mistake.

[J_Nannen]

As tough as it is to swallow, it's a bit fishy. You can take two roads: Be suspicious, or let it go.

I tend to let it go, and give the person the benefit of the doubt. However, if it does genuinely sound like something is going on between them, or could be, I'd bring it up with her.

[NightRyder]

Well as an update I've finished packing up all of her stuff. I did so as respectfully as if I was packing my own things and even labeled boxes so she can find things easier. Maybe I'm being too nice, but whatever... that's just who I am and at the end of the day I still care about her.

My worry now is legal implication. We have no lease of any sorts, but her mom pays a set amount of 'rent' for her each month. My plan is to take all of her things to her mom's place today or tomorrow before she gets back from Colorado and then have her mom pick her up from the airport. She actually only paid me $400 of the $500 she is supposed to give me for 'rent' each month (with a promise to pay the rest when she gets back) so I'm not really worrired about the 30th and 31st parts of the rent. I am however worried about her ability to file a civil suit or anything along those lines. Am I doing anything that she will have the ability to take legal action against me for? Kicking her out without proper notice, etc?

I feel like I'm actually helping her... b/c I know she's going to break it off with me when she gets back and I know she hates confrontation so she would hate having to walk through this house and pack up all her things as much as I hated doing it yesterday. In her moment of anger at seeing that I took back the control and in her realization that I actually knew she was lying to my face about everything the entire time she may become rash and I really have no idea how she will react.

Thoughts?

[cbsf]

I'm not a lawyer, but it doesn't seem like she'd have much legal argument to sue you if you are returning all of her belongings. You're not her landlord and don't have a lease as you say so you are not bond to any contract, other than that of the heart.

You may be helping her, but what's more important now is that you help yourself. You've taken the first step so however she may react be steadfast in knowing you've made the right choice.

[sully123]

I would say forget her, as hard as it is. This girl has way too many issues, a lot of red flags. You sound like a nice person, who has yourself together, don't go back, because if you do, your making a big mistake. If you pick her up at the airport, another big mistake. Your just setting yourself up for more hurt. Sorry, but she doesn't care about you! I would also stop all contact with her parents, they shouldn't be involved right now with you. IT just keeps you tied to her, she isn't worth it. There are plenty of nice girls out there.

[Ash123]

I doubt it'll work out with him.
I also doubt it will work out with you given what happened.

If you are smart, you'll start healing - and when she is single again and confused again you'll be safely in the arms of someone who won't run to Colorado on a whim. Really.

[hjpan]

Let her take more beatings in the face, kicks to the stomach, forced sexual acts from the ex. She knows what's wrong with her and him... yet she refuses to comply with the real world.

Better off with someone else.

As for the rent, have the last pay from them and cut all ties.
Sounds like another "young adult" who doesn't use their brain wisely.