[bassistguy]

Hello all. Just needing some friendly advice. I have been in a relationship for nearly 3 years now, and we have been living together for almost 2 years. However, she recently has been needing some time to "think" about things, as she seemed she was sure about "our" future, but is now not so sure. A little background would help here.

- I am almost 33 years old.

- I am in a band, which I probably prioritize a little too much. I have a good job, make good money, however, I work overnights during the week (Monday morning at midnight to 10 am... Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, same hours), so, I leave around 11:30 at night, get home around 10:30 the following morning, and sleep until 6pm that night.

- Like I said, I make good money, however, I am TERRIBLE at saving. And to make things worse, I buy so many things related to being a musician... I buy things to build up on my "home" recording studio, etc.

- I also have ADD. For most of our relationship, I have been taking Adderall, as well as an antidepressant. Well, unfortunately, this took a HUGE toll on our sex life, as my sex drive plumetted. I couldn't keep erections, and I just plain didn't want to have sex (I'm making reference to this because I found these medications were the cause).

- I am a HUGE procrastinator!

So, here is the problem. We have talked about getting married numerous times, having kids, etc. I have never been too sure about "when" I wanted to get married, but she has made it clear to me that she doesn't want to wait forever (understandable). I did assure her that I do want to get married (being truthful). However, she doesn't think I am serious about it, and worries since I do not save my money, and I have debt that I have been neglecting, and my bank account goes negative way too much... I know, not great future qualities for a stable family

An issue that has been lingering in the relationship for most of the time is the sex issue. In the beginning, the sex was great. However, as I stated above, when I started taking medication for my ADD, my sex drive gradually started getting worse, with errections begin harder to get and maintain (which frustrated her as well), then it turned to literally NEVER wanting to have sex. Well, this was a big problem for her. She assumed that I didn't find her attractive, etc. I always assured her that was not the issue. Everything else was fine... we always were affectionate, hung out, great conversation, etc. My problem is, I have been WAY too stubborn and pigheaded to see how much of a problem the issue it has been! She has said things to me about it, but stupid me didn't react accordingly. I blamed the medicine, and also blamed it on the fact that my dad had passed away in April 2007 and I was "depressed" (that is understandable, but a stupid excuse.. you'll see why as you continue), and I didn't do crap about it on my end. It has been over a year since we have had sex, and it's because of me! I didn't realize how much this has been hurting her until we tried to have sex recently (I hadn't even "touched" her in that way for over a year). Well, I had to use my fingers, because I couldn't get an erection. After she had an orgasm, she started crying her eyes out! I felt like the biggest piece of for ignoring her needs, and only thinking of myself.

Well, a few days after that, we were arguing about it. And STUPID, STUPID me decides to say that I don't even know if I want to get married, or if I want kids! OH how I WISH I could take that back :(!! She warned me that she's not sure how much more she can take. Well, this argument seemed to trigger a total change in her attitude towards me.

Everything pretty much STOPPED on her end... the "I love you's", the kissing, the hanging out on weekend nights... it all STOPPED. She hardly ever use to go out, but now, she is going out every weekend. Her going out includes going out with her friends, and my sisters (only a few times with my sisters)... and here's the crappy part... guys that she has never hung out with before. They are all guys that are related to her job (they work for vendors that she talks to through work). Her work is getting trained on a bunch of new stuff, and these guys are helpng them train. I don't care about that... except for ONE guy that she has apparently been talking to through email, and work phone (work and non-work related) since she started working there (before she met me). For the past couple of weekends, she has been hanging out with him and his friends over at his place until like 7am in the morning! Once or twice, she has gone over there (with just him) while I was at band practice, but comes home to sleep (work night). She assures me that there is nothing going on other than them being friends, (I have "confirmed" that she has known him for as long as she says, and I was assured that she wouldn't cheat me... through a trustworthy source). But she says that she is not sure about things anymore, and needs time to think about things. She says that she has always known about "our" future, and that she is sure she wants to marry me, however, now she says that "you never know what will happen, I can't know if we will ever break up or not". That completely makes sense, and is the obvious truth, but she has NEVER said anything like that to me before this. She made a comment today about how this guy pretty much fathers his nephew, and has a good job, etc (like she was saying these things because she wishes I would be like that.. responsible, and grown up, etc). She just seems more interested in him over me. She says that she feels comfortable around him, talking to him, that she can just talk and not have to worry since he's not family.

The weird thing is, we have been getting along good still, actually better than ever (no arguments, just disagreements that are quickly resolved). The "I love you's" aren't as frequent, but they are there sometimes. We hugged today for the first time in 2 weeks. She called me a pet name last night, and today that she hasn't called me in 2 weeks. But, there is still some distance felt. Her contact with my sisters has stayed the same. She doesn't seem to be doing anything to distance herself with me or my family.. except for the affectionate-type talk between us.

As for the medication, I stopped taking it over a week ago, and my sex drive is BACK! I have been looking in to going to college to make my career path more secure (so I can work days as well). She knows again that I DO want kids, and that I DO want to put a ring on her finger, and I am making a HUGE effort to be responsible with my expenses (negative bank account, looking in to options to pay off all my debt, etc). She knows that I absolutely adore her. I have been basically using this as an eye opener for myself, that I need to grow up, quick. Basically, everything that she has ever had an issue with as far as my lack of responsibility, I am FINALLY doing something about it, and she knows it (I have said I will improve in the past, but never followed through with it), but I can't help but think it might be too late.

I guess my question is... does anyone think that I am too late? Do you think I have things to worry about? I am making these changes for myself, however, with her in mind. I absolutely love and adore her, and I obviously don't want to lose her, otherwise I wouldn't have typed out this obnoxiously long description :). This has all been an eye-opener for me, but I do sooooo much wish I would have started earlier to be more considerate towards her, and more responsible. Any suggestions on what I should and should do so that I don't completely screw things up? Should I just assume that she is cheating on me and end it? Please help :(.

[bassistguy]

I have to add this, as this just happened. She smokes when she gets to work, and always calls me at that time. Well, she called me, like usual. When I got off the phone with her (I was in the middle of typing my original post/question), I sent her a text message. It's just something goofy or whatever I randomly say to her... "I love thee". Well, she responded (not right away, but that's normal, as she gets settled in for work)... with a goofy, and what I would expect... "Thee lova thou". Basically, it's as if there are no problems. My past experiences of "I need time to think about things" were the significant other becoming so distant, that NOTHING would be normal. This time it's different. I'm so damn confused.

[High Max]

You need to be direct on this situation and let her know what you plan on doing to correct these problems, that you are serious and have said some things wrong, and want to give things an honest chance.

However, meeting new men and staying out with them all night and coming home at early hours is not acceptable. Ask her how she'd feel if you stayed over at another woman's house overnight, I bet her tone would change.

It almost seems like there is a correlation between her wanting to rethink things, and her going out more and hanging out with other guys and being with them more than you. This is sadly a tell tale sign that a breakup is coming. I only see your only option in being direct and confronting her that sleeping at random men's houses isn't appropriate in a committed relationship, and that you are willing to fix things.

[bassistguy]

You need to be direct on this situation and let her know what you plan on doing to correct these problems, that you are serious and have said some things wrong, and want to give things an honest chance. .

I did let her know everything. I let her know what I realize I am doing wrong, and goals I have placed for myself. She is very well aware.

Also, she doesn't sleep over there. She comes home around 7am, and then sleeps until 1 or 2 in the afternoon.

Me and her are still hanging out, more or less. We hardly ever went on "dates" to begin with (which probably should have been different). Just yesterday, we did most of our Christmas shopping for my nieces and nephews, and some of her family. And, we plan on finishing that up this week sometime.

[High Max]

That's good. There's nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, even though I do think that they can cause trouble sometimes, but often times it's just more worth it to be secure and let them see and hang out with who they want, it looks better on your part.

I do think that it is a little strange. There is one good way though if you want to make sure that nothing weird is going on. Ask to meet her new friends, like a casual thing. If she says no, major red flag. If she doesn't mind, you are probably OK.

[bassistguy]

That's good. Theres nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, even though I do think that they can cause trouble sometimes, but often times it's just more worth it to be secure and let them see and hang out with who they want, it looks better on your part.

I do think that it is a little strange. There is one good way though if you want to make sure that nothing weird is going on. Ask to meet her new friends, like a casual thing. If she says no, major red flag. If she doesn't mind, you are probably ok.

Hey, sorry it has taken me so long to get back. We have talked about things a little more, and it is inevitable that we won't be lasting much longer. I basically would probably end it now, myself, except that we bought Christmas gifts together for her family and mine, and since I like her family, it just seems respectable to at least show up to the get-togethers that are planned for Christmas Eve and Christmas day. So, who knows. I could go in to more detail, but that would be another book I'd write (like above). Thank you for your feedback. It is very much appreciated. Happy Holidays!