[szeretlek]

I am new here, but very alone and desperate for any input or opinion, I can not seem to be able to see clearly now... so for anyone who would listen and try to help, here it is:

I am a divorced mother of a very bright and intelligent almost 17 years old boy, who is great in school, have a great student job and looking forward to his college years next year. He lives with me part time. I am in a 9 year relationship with a man who has a 13 year old girl, full time. For the last 4 years we lived separately, because our parenting styles are very different, so are our believes and expectations about kids... our life as a blended family was very unhappy for everybody and verbally abusive towards my son. I defended my son and stood by his side every time, however, in the meantime our love for each other was dying... this is when the decision was made to have our own places, raise our own kids and happily date each other.

This was working so far, but about 4 months ago, an other decision was made: to get a nice place together. This decision is based on the facts that everybody is older and wiser now, it makes huge financial sense, it is good for the business we run together... and we do love each other and would like to live together.

His daughter is OK with the idea. I have to add here without trying to say anything bad just the facts: she is a follower, with very little personality, almost without any spoken wish or opinion... poor girl lives her life blindly obeying her dads strict rules... what is the main reason for us not being able to raise our kids together: I believe in raising my kid with love, support, common sense and freedom of choice.

My son was not trilled with the idea of moving in together, but I think he agreed just for me. However, I think he was still debating that idea from time to time, and last night he said that he is not able to do it, that he can not go back where we were 4 years ago. His plan is to live full time with his father, and come to visit me sometime.

Needless to say, this is devastating for me. My chest feels too tight to even breathe now.

At this point it is not possible to go back: the new house is purchased, our old places are on the market... Talking to my partner would not bring any result, and his opinion would be as always: my son should listen and obey the rules like every kid, and be happy with what he is told.

I talked with my son for a long time last night and idea sort of came up: that when ever possible, like 2 times a week, he and I will meet and have a nice walk or a dinner and we can talk and have some nice time together... also, once a month we can have a weekend together, drive somewhere, maybe sleep over... I am not sure if this plan sounds bad or good or not so bad..

After all, my son is very independent, he will be OK living at his father, he is in his last high school year, he just might even go to residence when in college... on the other hand, is he too young? Am I letting him go too soon? In a year or two I know he will be living his own life... but now it feels that I am pushing him away too soon. The idea of not being able to kiss him at night or wake him up for a new day devastates me...

Am I being selfish for wanting to move forward in my life?
Is it possible to still guide him and raise him from the distance?
Rationally thinking: for the part time he lives with me now, and with our busy lifes, there is sadly very little time for spending together. Maybe living separately and having to make that time together will be a good thing? Or will our busy lifes get into our way and we will also emotionally move away from each other?

Was anyone else in this situation? What happened? I can not stop crying all night. I need happy endings.

Thanks for listening...

[danielnoahsmommy]

Sounds like you regret your decision. Perhaps it is time for some family counsiling.

[hannah_nicole]

I don't have children but hey - I am one! I hope my advice is relevant. I think this is a good step to be taking, maybe a little to early but I think things will work out. Your son will be happy and cared for with his father yes? And you yourself will be happy. You and your son seem very close - at almost 17 and still wants to see his mum often! Be proud of this. Most teens shun their parents. Try not to worry too much letting go isn't losing him - Just watching him continue his life journey.

[szeretlek]

Thanks hannah_nicole for your kind words, they do mean a lot to me.

You did pointed out that he is going to be OK... and as every child has to grow up, the same way every parent has to let it go... and this is just the way it is happening to me. All I have to do is make sure that both of us is getting the best of it.

[SweetDee]

This is complicated because somehow we MAKE our lives that way. Decision making is easy when you listen to your conscience and your heart.

You need to always do what is right for your OWN child, in my opinion. He is only 17 and you don't WANT to hurry him up and push him out the door so you can start your life, now do you? My nephew is still living w/ his mom and he's 21... he's in university and he has a very good relationship w/ his family, especially because he is so grateful for their support.

I'm not saying that you can't have your own life here, but if it doesn't consist of sharing it w/ your child, having your own blood come first, you need to consider if you're being maneuvered in that direction or if you're the one choosing your man over your child.

Why would you risk having your son move out to your ex husbands home? The chances that your lives will become so busy, being that he lives apart from you, are HUGE not to mention the fact that your ex will be the one raising your boy at this tender age. You may find less and less time for each other, especially in lieu of the fact that your son is 17, which is not an age where children easily WANT to hang out w/ their parents anymore, as it is.

Your son cannot be thinking, "my mom loves me so much that she has my back above all else", I mean he sees you NOT choosing him... How do you NOT choose your son? He's just a kid, why wouldn't he be feeling that way?

I'm terribly sorry that I am coming across as I am judging you. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you if you had to come to this site and bear your soul and plead for help.

I have a child too, she's 16 and I cannot even IMAGINE choosing my husband, whom I adore and have been married to for over a decade... over choosing my daughter (might I mention that we have a very loving and caring relationship, but my child depends on me, he's a GROWN man!). She trusts that I put her best interests above all else and that I have her back. She'd be a case in a half if she thought for one second that I value something even a tad more than I value her.

I remember being a teen... remember how hard it was? Imagine how difficult it is when you come from a broken home? Do you come from one? If so, don't you remember how hard it was for you? If you didn't come from one... can YOU imagine how hard it must be?

He must be so sad. I can hear how sad you sound. Does it really feel like you're making a good decision right now?

I bet it feels like it's a "lose/lose" situation no matter which direction you choose... but this is the thing... the thing is that you may very well be losing out if you choose to put your son first. Heaven knows that it will feel bad and for that I am sorry for you, BUT you have to know that your son did not ask to be born. You made the choice to bring him into this world. You have the obligation to choose your son FIRST over and above your OWN needs. This IS your responsibility... no matter that he's an older child. He is still a child.

I'm sorry that I am being so blunt. You did ask... and I just am being honest. I hope my words didn't hurt your feelings. <3

[SweetDee]

I apologize for being so harsh... I just reread my last post. EWWWWWWWWW, but I was struke by your story and I thought I'd just tell it like I felt it.

Maybe your son isn't sensitive at all. Maybe he'd be better off at his bio-dads... but honestly, deep down he'll always know that mom chose her boyfriend before himself.

That's what motivated my last post.

That just makes me feel sad for your son. :(

[southerngalps]

I agree with hannah_nicole on this being a good step. It SEEMS that your son is OK with your decision. Him leaving was happening soon anyway. I feel that he knows how much you love him and how this is upsetting you, so he is understanding of your love to this man and just that simple fact that he is not his dad and the methods are different. And yes, the time apart will make the time together much more pleasurable.

[hannah_nicole]

I disagree with SweetDee saying he will think his mum chose her boyfriend over him. He seems mature enough to realise this is a decision she is making for herself, and not one against him (which its not) PLUS for 4 years she chose him when he needed her most and was younger. He is maturing into his own person now, and it sounds as though they have a very open honest relationship and they can understand each others decisions.

[hannah_nicole]

One question though - why didn't you consult your son before you made this decision, and put your house on the market and soforth? (it sounds as though you didnt)

[szeretlek]

When my partner and I were just playing with the idea of getting a house together, before anything I made clear that I do not want our past to be repeated, and that everybody, including my son, has to be happy in the new situation. He agreed saying that everybody learned from the past... and the fact that we are still together is because we work hard on solving our problems. He is very happy about the move.

Also, I talked to my son about the idea of getting a house together. Have to say here that my son is not just a child to me, he is also my best friend. Because all my family is overseas, for most of his life it was only two of us who can count on each other without any doubt... that just might be the reason he is so mature. I always involved him in my decisions or at least made sure to ask what he thinks or feels... (what is very frustrating for my partner).

As I said my son was not trilled with the idea of getting a house together, but he did not said no eather. I was assuring him that this will not be the repeat of the past... that he is not 10 or 12 anymore... that we all changed since... I guess I was trying too hard. However he seemed OK, he asked to see the new house when it was chosen, he picked his room... made a paper model of how he will furnish it... said how cool it is that the ski hill is just around the corner... I think as the moving time is coming closer, he just changed his mind.

I read the post from SweetDee many times. She is right, and she brings up a very valid point on choosing a child who needs you, above a grown man. If it counts into my defense, I would like to say that if I knew this will play out like this, I will NEVER put us into this situation. In my heart I am choosing my son... I just feel that I do not have a choice anymore, it is simply past the point of return in the game... If I could I would keep my son forever, and I believe all of us would...

Two days past since... and my son and I had some more talks. He will have his room in the new house, and he will be more than welcome to be there, but he will also have the free choice of staying or going to his father. He even said that maybe it will not be that bad and that he just need a freedom to go if he feels he needs to. I know this does not mean he will stay for the proper part time... and my heart tightens when I think of that... but it is a good start I guess!. and if the situation is to start turning like our past was, I would not want my son there.

I know that any of this is not justifying any turnaround. It is hard to paint a proper picture of our lives in couple of posts... however, writing it all down and knowing that there are woulderfull people out there who care to take the time and say their input is very shooting for the soul... thank you.

[450donn]

Perhaps you should dump this guy and move on with your life. Family first. You stated several problems, different parenting styles, animosity between him and your son. Which is more important to you? Your son or this guy who is not interested in keeping you a lifetime. Move on, sorry!

[SweetDee]

Best friends and children do not go hand in hand. I'm sorry to hear that you didn't have other friends that you could call "best friend", but to be friends w/ your child is already waving a red flag.

Your son didn't want to burst your bubble by saying anything negative about you getting the new house... it seems. He's a very thoughtful young man. He seems to have been able to put your needs above his own. You're right he IS quite mature. I feel he didn't so much as "change his mind" when it became closer to the moving time... so much as he realize that this move was his reality and he never had the voice to say he was truly opposed to the idea originally...

You say "I would like to say that if I knew this will play out like this, I will NEVER put us into this situation", (those were your EXACT WORDS). All of a sudden you became almost difficult to understand, (whereas you wrote your post otherwise quiet understandably)... Now that you know you can't say that you do not... (and your excuse is that you were in the dark... WOW (I guess it will just have to suffice).

Be real at least w/ yourself... and think back. There are ALWAYS signs... At the very LEAST have a talk with him and tell him what you were thinking and feeling during the time that you asked him to come join your family (... that he's now a guest in). Tell him your thoughts... He is old enough to understand your feeling about being past the point of no return. Please just make him PRIMARY in this experience. I know that you want to...

"For every action there is a reaction"...

You sound like you genuinely care for your son. I have no doubt. I'm sure it will be fine in the end. Just keep your priorities straight. "Blood before water"... in my opinion.

I don't see how everyone can't get their needs taken care of in your decision. The issue is that a child, even an older one can feel like they were not put first. I just don't feel that putting anyone before our own blood ever has an exuse... Keeping the lines of communication open, at this point... and making sure your son understands that even a mom can make mistakes and is imperfect sometimes, (lol... ), no matter how well intended you are is paramount to his understanding that he did somehow (somewhere) come first in your heart... You know what I mean? I truly hope so...