[nocturnal666]

I don’t know what I should do, I feel like I have tried everything, long story short and I know its seen over and over again on these websites but I need some advice for my issue…my fiancée rejects my affection and isn’t interested in sex with me and seems to prefer doing it himself in front of the computer to porn pretty much everyday, he has always done that and I knew he did and it didn’t bother me because we were still having sex and I know diy is personal time, quick and easy relief and I do it. But when its choosing that over me when I'm in the next room wanting him so bad and trust me he knows it, it really is making me feel inadequate.
I know after a while the mundane sets in and sex becomes less frequent and I just came to accept the whole once a week thing which is how often it got cut to for the past 7months, even though I am still so hot for my fiancée and would love it everyday like we use to. Just to add its been over a month since we last had sex and I have tried to initiate it many times with the result of being pushed away. I tried not initiating it as well and still nothing now I am becoming afraid of even trying cause the rejection kind of hurts.
I have tried to talk to him so many times in so many different ways, I've told him how I feel and he gets angry and doesn’t want to hear my crap or just does the whole silent treatment. Ive asked him to watch porn with me because I watch it and would love to watch it with him, he’s not interested and also not interested in bringing toys or anything into the bedroom. I will walk around in skimpy skirts and try to look good for him, and its like he doesn’t even notice anymore.
He says he's still attracted to me and loves more than I will ever believe and still feels the same about me but it doesn’t seem that way, the passion is nil, there are no compliments anymore and I am constantly pushed away. The rejection and lack of affection and passion is making me feel no good.
Anyway any advice? As I said I've tried talking to him and it doesn’t work, I've tried spicing things up, not interested. And also no he is not cheating on me, I know that for sure.

[Ash123]

Here's what's happening:

Your fiance is doing what we see on here a lot. He has not really thought through life's realities and is not prepared. He has done what feels good without any thought towards the future and life's realities.

1. porn makes him feel good.
2. proposing to a hot girl makes him feel good
3. watching porn with you feels good

Not to oversimplify, but now nothing is new and he's not mature enough to realize life is about respect and the electricity of a first date is different after time goes by. He is not prepared for the reality of things and he is making a (not too subtle statement). He is NOT respecting you.

I hate to say it, but if he feels like you are locked in for life now that you have a ring on your finger, it's hard on his immature libido.

If you do not like something, just say it: Honey, porn is hot, but if you are not going to turn it off and get some real , I'm not going to just sit here.

Go out with the girls. Make him work to keep track of you. Don't play games and hide and be weird, but don't kill your social life. You are not married and nor should you be! He is NOT ready. Neither of you are... it will only get WORSE if you are not sexually happy before any nuptuals.

Let me know what you plan to do and a little more about you and him (how old are you? What do you both do for a living?)

[Choux]

I'm not sure why you call him your fiancé. He doesn't want to have sex with you!

Time to move on, girl. That's my opinion. Don't you want a husband who cares for you??

[nocturnal666]

Thanks for you post Ash123, its true what you have said.
And we are still young he is 27 and I'm 22 but I am however very mature for my age. We both do work fulltime, me for the government and him a shop manager, and I know he gets tired and stressed but even after a few days off and he is relaxed, rested and in a good mood there is still nothing.
I really don't know what to do, I have mentioned having a break to think about what it is he wants from me and our our relationship and he got angry and doesn't want to, he says he knows what he wants and its me. When I say I'm going out or to a friends house he gets all angry that I don't want to be at home with him, yet when I'm there acts like he doesn't want me around? Frustrating... he is on the immature side and also a tad controlling, we have been fighting a bit lately as well because I'm not a push over sort of girl and if I don't like the way he speaks or treats me I voice it and he hates me speaking back, this results in a fight... ive said time and time again communication is the key but his communication skills suck and he has real trouble talking about things, he speaks about how he feels more than he use so I know I have helped a little but its still not close to where we should be at.
And thanks Choux for your reply also, but to comment I call him my fiancée because I do love him and want to be with him =( I believe he does really care I can see that most of time, its just physically he doesn't seem interested. I could leave him and easierly get another man, not being to modest but I am an all right catch, model body, intelligent and sexy, but the thing is I don't want anyone else nor can imagine it, I just want the man I fell in love back =(

[Ash123]

Well, what's changed since you met?

1. was it really hot at start?
2. did it cool down when you moved in together? Before?
3. I do not like that you do not speak up. We had a woman on here before who's husband of 15+ years checked out physically and emotionally - and other issues after a life of a good healthy sex life. She was at wits end and despite two kids was ready to leave. I told her that there was hope because they had evidenced such a good history and though he appeared cold and depressed, she broke through by making it clear that enough was enough! She started going out with friends, spoke her mind, and made it clear exactly was not working for her. You do not have such a history so I cannot point to that yet.
4. anyway, it's time to step up. He is not a diabetic with ED, he is a guy who is exercising CONTROL ISSUES by Fuc--- a computer. And not approving of your need to be needed and to find social interaction is NOT marriage material. BUT if you think he is, you need to step up and let him realize that you are a fair and nice person, but also one that does not just obey commands with no reason given and live without sex because he does not think its necessary.
5. what is his relationship with his parents? Is there a hole there? Was growing up a pleasant experience? Curious what all the control is about?
6. please realize that you are not trapped and that is a positive thing. You do have options and need to get started.
7. I do not think couples counseling would be his cup of tea, but at this rate it's not ruled out.
8. I'm curious? Why would you want to marry someone you cannot easily communicate with? I have to ask: what was your relationship with your parents... just curious. Sorry to psychoanaylze but trying to sort this out.

[simoneaugie]

Little boy, hand on his joystick not on his "mom."

DO NOT MARRY HIM !

And never, ever do his laundry, unless he happily returns the favor.

[nocturnal666]

Again Thanks Ash123 =)

Ok well...

1.Yeah it was really hot at the start
2.and yes also it cooled down when we moved in together
3.I do speak up and that's why we fight because I speak back and his words push him. I don't know if it's that he really is angry at me or just takes it out on me when really he is angry at himself because he can't justify his actions when I question them.
4.I just agree with everything you have said there…I just don't know how to make him see where I am coming from when I try to talk to him about it. Its not like I attack him and scream and yell, I'm mature and speak to calmly and collected, but it results in him yelling at me.
5.he has a good relationship with his parents, they provided a good childhood to him, however he had/ still has self control issues as in his emotions, rage, temper, irritation and hate are the main ones…he says he can't control it and has always been like that, but since we have been together his parents have said he has done a complete turnaround and its nothing as bad as it was, but I can see now he still has a long way to go. So I have put the control issue down to he can't control himself so he obtains it and feels better by controlling others?
6.I know even though I feel trapped I'm not…and I really do need to have a back up plan on what to do and where to go if this doesn't improve because I can't marry someone that won't treat me how I deserve no matter how much I love him…It just hurts because he use to treat me so good and never once did I even have a thought he would hurt me or treat me anything less that good.
7. Not a chance he would
8.I use to be able to talk to him about anything with open ears, even though his responses were at a minimum because he just doesn't have good communication skills, and as I always say, communication skills isn't something all people are born with its something you learn, and I keep hoping that he will learn from me, because I have been teaching him how to communicate, in ways he didn't even realise, I know it has worked cause it has improved in baby steps but all of sudden it just taken a huge step back and its given me a clear indication that we have a problem.
And my relationship with my parents, I don't a relationship with them, father in jail, never seen him before and mother is a drug addict, I've been out on my own since 13.

[Ash123]

#8 BINGO!

I get questioned why I delve into developmental psychology on here but... I think that is a big clue. He has control issues. His parents have indulged his personality leanings for better or for worse. You have abandonment issues. And no paradigm for what a good relationship is. I think it is VERY admirable that you love him and are committed but you are not appearing as a princess that he must nurture or lose.

I would kiss him on the forehead and say you are going to move out for a while and take stock of things. You cannot marry like this and you cannot change him. He is NOT a project. He is a mate. If you all are to be, let it be when you are both ready to meet half way. And be sure he is the right guy for you. A lot of times women who have not been close with a parent let things go way to far before they let they get depressed and reach out. If your heart and mind tell you something is not right, well it just may not be.

Your fiancé is having a relationship with a computer. That does not work. His parents have nurtured him and cajoled him and now you are - but that is not your role.

A lot of relationships cool when they move in - but this is a bit far.

Thoughts?

[Bonnie46]

Dear Nocturnal666,
I would proceed with caution. If your fiancée will NOT have sex with you - PLEASE TRUST ME, this problem will NOT go away or rectify itself after you are legally wed. My Mom said something to me a few years ago that really stuck in my head: "people are on their BEST behaviour when they first hook-up. Their behaviour will most likely get worse, NOT better with time.: really think about it. It's true. I would recommend that you really wait and think about why you want to get married so young.

I have an ex-boyfriend who sounds JUST LIKE your fiancee. Turns out, my ex was (is) addicted to porn. That was (is) the ONLY way he could (can) get off. He didn't want the intimacy or want to sleep with me.

Why don't you research a bit about sex addiction online, and see if any of the symptoms sound familiar?

I would be careful before you marry him. You don't want the hassle, expense, anger and fighting involved with a divorce.

He may not even care if you give him an ultimatum: i.e. "Either we have sex together OR I leave you." hang in there and be careful. My ex WAS sleeping around with other people.

[Bonnie46]

Dear Nocturnal666,
I am so sorry to hear that you have been taking care of yourself at such a young age, and that your Mother is a drug addict. You're not alone, but that doesn't make any of life's situations any easier - I'm sure. I wish I could waive a magic wand and make this perfect and happy for you. Sigh. Life just isn't fair sometimes.

I think that it's fantastic that you've been able to help someone grow and learn to communicate. It takes a lot of patience.

Please please please, just take some time and really think about living with someone who may have anxiety or anger issues. I think you are strong and brave, but you really won't be able to change him completely. I agree with Ash123, he's wired the way he his - to just be him, even if that means he has aggression issues, rage issues, or that he's not perfect.

You may indeed have abandonment issues, which may be the reason why you are interested in looking to get married so young. (wait until you're at LEAST 30 yrs. Old). Really. I promise. You'll still feel like you're 22 inside, but you'll have more knowledge about yourself and the world around you, to truly appreciate and take care of yourself better.

Do you think he's controlling? Again, I agree with Ash123, he's not a project or a task you can fix. This is a human being that is potentially going to be your LIFE partner. How will this person behave or react (or protect and nuture you) during the really really ty bad times you experience in life? i.e.) if you gave birth to a baby with downs syndrome, or if you developed cancer tomorrow - would he sit there and listen to you vent and cry? Would he hold you close and cradle you in his arms, for a full hour - silently, while you wept? Would he just quietly stay by your side, and let you fall apart to pieces, while he rubbed your back and promised you that he would do anything to help make the situation better for you.

Please just be patient and think long and hard about the type of person that you would be willing to lay your life down and die for. Please don't settle.

[Bonnie46]

Dear Nocturnal666,

I'm re-reading your posts again, and it just doesn't sit well with me that he gets sucky and angry when you go out and then gives you the silent treatment when you ARE at home trying to spend time with him. How does this benefit you and your life? What good qualities is he offering you? Does he make you feel safe and trusted and loved? I think it would be ill-advised to just 'hope' that this all works out and that you can fix it.

His Mother and Father HAVE to love him unconditionally. He is their son, whether they like it or not. YOU have a CHOICE. You can stay and be miserable at the hand of a "controlling-type" who is aggressive and angry, or you can choose to explore other options and not settle down with him.

Why did you type: "6.I know even though I feel trapped im not"

What makes you feel trapped?

I have no doubt that you loved the guy you first met, who was fun and paid attention to you and you had great sex with. Unfortunately, that was only a temporary disguise to seduce you and pull you in.

He is extremely insecure and KNOWS he's got rage/control/anger issues if he refuses to go to visit a marriage counsellor. B-E-W-A-R-E RED FLAG!!