[notsogood]

Hi everyone,
Ok, I blew it. I contacted my ex after a 3 week period of no contact. I feel like crap and I am beating myself up. I had a lot of support from all of you, and I appreciate it. But, I do make mistakes. She didn't have time for me and said she said she didn't have time to contact anyone because she has been so busy. Well, I want to kick myself.
I want your guys opinon, have I totally blew a chance to get back with her or can I start up the no contact again and continue working on myself.
It confuses me because she is so happy to hear from me, yet when I don't contact her, she does not contact me.
Thanks for your unconditional support...

[Chery]

Hello dear, I know this is hard, but you've got to stop punishing yourself. You did nothing wrong, buy you've got to realize that this one is over. Your girlfriend wants to stay friends, that's all. She has not the guts to tell you she does not want a relationship with you. You were clingy at first, and this might have driven her away, but I doubt it. I think she just does not know at this point exactly what she wants and cannot be honest enough to tell you that the relationship she had with you was something very flattering, but it's not really what she wants. Besides, she probably has a lot of pressure from her former friends and also her family.

So.. now please do yourself a favor and find someone who knows for sure what type of relationship she wants and can openly be honest about it.

Gather your pride, put it where it belongs, and start over with someone who will be more secure in a relationship and can make you happy. Also important is, go out and meet new people and don't stay home pining away for someone who you'll never be able to trust fully or be comfortable with again. The pain of this will eventually go away.

Good luck and please keep us posted.

Love should not cause sadness and pain like this.

[notsogood]

Thank you Cherry,
I appreciate your unconditional support. So, what do I do now. Remain friends by calling or e-mailing or just completely stop all contact?
I agree she is very confused. She was married to a man for 25 years and just up and walked out. With no explanation at all to him and got with me.Just like she broke up with me, no explination at all.
She immediately got into another relationship with another woman. I suppose they are still together today. But, I am sure this woman is frusturated with all her stuff.

[s_cianci]

Start up the no contact again and continue working on yourself. I can't guarantee any specific outcome but right now you need to do for yourself and stop chasing someone who's unattainable.

[Chery]

I think you know what you will wind up doing as you have assessed this lady already. She will continue her undefined relationships and 'run' away when things get too hot for her to handle. Don't let her drive you nuts. Just give what you can without stress and slowly ween yourself away from her. She will stay confused until she notices that she needs assistance in figuring out her life.

I don't think you should be the one to help her find herself, as it's too close a situation. She will continue in her life the way she has. If you can handle just 'friendship' with her, then stay in contact. But, you won't be able to change her.


Whichever choice you make, be sure that it's the right one for YOU.

Good luck, and again, keep us posted.

[valinors_sorrow]

I hear you about the "no contact" thing being a challenge.

Sometimes it works to think of a difficult breakup as like an addiction (holy schmoly, do I know about those). Take it one day at a time. Each day you get through without contacting her makes it easier not to contact her. Fill the void with other things, LOTS of other things, just not another woman, not just yet, okay? Find ways to be good to yourself, little ways.

If you get tempted to call her, call someone else (like a friend who might understand) and rat yourself out - that tends to take the urge away.

With time, you might eventually see how you just haven't had your feet under you for some time now and that when you do find your feet again, it will be a great thing. And you won't be so inclined to give yourself away like that again too.

Time will make this all appear very differently. I hope that helps.

[tirednhurt86]

Heyy

I'm going through a difficult situation as well. My boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago, and I have decided to be the bigger person and accept that it is over- it is painful, hard, and I cry almost everyday. But I will admit it gets easier everyday. I was with him for 2 years and we planned marriage and I was close with his family and everything. For 2 years we never spent even a day without seeing or talking to each other. I cut him off finally after a drawn out break, then break up and now I decided I cannot be his friend so I am going cold turkey. It is hard, but you can do this! I recommend reading books on breakups from places like borders or barnes and noble. It has helped me. Try reading venus and mars starting over. It is very good and helps heal. Nothing will make you feel better for a long time. Trust me I'm still hurting. But know that you will get through this and you will be stronger. Let go. Its hard but letting go gives you a second chance to find someone who wants to be with you as well. You have to keep telling yourself that it is over and that she does not want to be with you- its harsh, but sometimes we need harsh reality. I drove my boyfriend away because I was too clingy. I beat myself up every day but then I realized that if he loved me like I deserve, then he would want to be with me as much as I want to be with him. Sometimes we have to accept that life does not go our way and that the person we loved with all our heart is just not "the one" allow yourself time to grieve, and then when you are ready after taking time for yourself you can date again. Do what is right for YOU. I believe that you can do it because I am doing it and I thought I would die without my boyfriend. I also personally would advise against being friends. It is too difficult to look at the person you once were intimate with and loved and to just be friends. Hope all goes well for you.

[Skell]

It is so hard to not contact them. I haven't contacted my girlfriend of 7 years who broke up with me for nealry 2 months now. And everyday I still think about her but I find it is a little less each day. Then I might think about her all day and get a little upset when something reminds me of us but I just call a friend and talk to them or go out and do something else. I go for a run or lift weights and then the urge to call seems to go.
Unfortunately no matter how much we want to move on and forget the person or feel better there just sint a switch in the back of heads that we can flick to off and stop loving them. But I have found ways of making it easier. Don't let people tell you about her or what she is doing. I still find that painful. It is weird but I find that not knowing where or what she is doing is easier than know what's she is doing. You analyse things too much when you hear what they said or what they are doing.
I hope you can keep up the no contact this time. Good luck!

[fredg]

Hi, notsogood,
You have some good answers.
Just like to add that any good relationship requires trust, caring, love, respect, compromise, and wanting the other to be happy. Many times, it means going out of one's way, in providing what the other needs.
This relationship with your ex doesn't sound like it meets many of these requirements!
A person usually is not going to change any attitudes, until or unless, they themselves see they need changing. By that I mean, you probably can't change any of your ex's attitudes by yourself.
I would move on, break off all communications, not anwering phone calls, emails, etc, and find some new friends. Best of luck.

[notsogood]

Thank you so much for all your support. I guess there os no rule book to follow on ex's and break-ups. My ex and I talked last night. She said she was taking some space from me because she didn't want to give me the wrong message. I suppose that she wanted me back. Anyway, we had a great talk ( as usual ) and laughed a lot. We both agreed that we share a "strong bond" with each other and didn't really know what that meant.
She is currently dating someone who is unavailable a lot. I guess that works for her. I don't want a part time relationship. I suppose she does.
But, what I am wondering is: Can I continue my friendship with her and just "let go" of the results? At least I know she is in my life. I know we would be there for each other in a pinch. I know I can call her if I really needed someone to talk to and visa versa.
I would love your input on this. Am I nuts?

[talaniman]

There is nothing wrong with you, you like the rest of us are only human. Everyone who has read this post understands what your going through and have been there themselves. The no contact rule is to give you time to heal and grieve and get over a dead relationship.A good time to get to know and work on you. As has been said many of us must make a clean break from our ex's to heal our broken heart and rediscover ourselves so we can move on. Seldom can we be friends as this only keeps that spark alive and has you wanting more. For those that can change gears and be friends with the ex's, more power to you , for the rest of us no contact until your completely healed. Good luck :cool:

[Chery]

There is nothing wrong with you, you like the rest of us are only human. Everyone who has read this post understands what your going thru and have been there themselves. The no contact rule is to give you time to heal and grieve and get over a dead relationship.A good time to get to know and work on you. As has been said many of us must make a clean break from our ex's to heal our broken heart and rediscover ourselves so we can move on. Seldom can we be friends as this only keeps that spark alive and has you wanting more. For those that can change gears and be friends with the ex's, more power to you , for the rest of us no contact until your completely healed. Good luck :cool:

This great insight as well as the 'requirements' of trust, caring, compromise and more... are all things we have to think about when going through rejection. REJECTION is what is so painful to most of us (we all hate it). So much so, that we neglect to look at what each of these painful episodes can teach us. Once the healing process is kicked in, we realize where we fell short, where the other person fell short, and then keep these things in mind so as not to make the same mistakes again.

Good luck dear and I hope this learning process is not too long. Keep us posted.

[fredg]

HI,
No, you're not "nuts". I've done the same thing, many years ago. My high school sweetheart (I was 18), and I had dreams of being married one day. She wanted to be "friends". Later, after we both went our separate ways to different colleges, I kept on writing to her, and she to me. That summer, we both said we loved each other. Things were going "my way"!
After going back to college, got a letter saying she "was in love". Funny thing, thought she was in love with me! Wrong. She found someone else.
Being "just friends" with her is something you will have to determine for yourself. If you find you can't, then it's better to save yourself some sorrow, later heartache, much worse, and try to move on.
Personally, after getting that letter, I decided that I couldn't be just her "friend" anymore... loved her too much for that. But, that's just me.
Best of luck.