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tyspy · Apr 20, 2006, 03:29 AM

Now what Im going to write I have cut short to save your eyes hurting apoligies if its still long... I have just turned 20 and basically I am in love for the first time and to be honest this is my first real relationship both physically and mentally, when I was 18 I did something I regret massively I lost my virginity to my best mates ex girlfriend who he still loved, it happened in my car I'm totally ashamed of what I did and only now that I'm in love do I totally understand how my friend would feel if I told him what I did, to this day I have never told my friend! But more my problem lies with my girlfriend now this will sound totally hipercritical (spelling?) of me but she lost her virginity to a guy she thought liked her who she had known for a while, 1 night at a house party when she was drunk she slept with him! He consequently only wanted to take her virginity and 2 days later slept with her cousin and never spoke to her again! Why even with my past mistake can't I let it be and forget that she lost her virginity to someone else? It makes me angry when I think what he did to her, she just wants to forget it and she has but I cant... I see her cousin and it brings back memories of him even thought I know my girlfriend had no control or idea he would do that to her, We have to drive past the house where it happened most days and it brings back my thoughts of him touching her and I think she is thinking about it every time we pass the house! I know it's a mixture of jealousy that he was her first and she will never forget him and anger for what he did! Im just so stupid that I can't put the past behind me and let it be...

fredg · Apr 20, 2006, 04:05 AM

Hi,
Thank you for posting a question here, and Welcome to the site.
You are 20 yrs old, I am 64! Been there, done that... was divorced after my 1st 7 yrs of marriage, now re-married for 29 yrs. To a wonderful woman.
We don't want to completely "close the door" on the past, but we have to let go of anything that bothers us. It's over, it's done, and it's finished.
At your age, you will probably have other girlfriends, after this one! I know you probably don't want to hear that, but it's true.
Your girlfriend is probably a very wonderful girl, and you not forgetting about what happened in the past is only going to affect your relationship with her.
When most people get drunk, they do things they would not usually do; or at least many of us have. You need to wake up and smell the roses, before it ends. Work on your relationship with your girlfriend, respect her, love her, and care for her. Forget about what happened. You can do it, if you try. I wish you the best.

tyspy · Apr 20, 2006, 06:10 AM

Many Thanks for your reply, in a way I feel sorry for her because she is worth more than a 1 night fling and especially when it was her first time, I don't believe she regrets it happening totally but wishes it had been different. I did the same which I think will help me forget about it because I would hate her to judge me or think about my past. OK she didn't believe this guy would do that to her and that he actually cared for her and the alcahol gave her that bit of confidence she needed to sleep with him, as you say we have all been there!

talaniman · Apr 20, 2006, 07:38 AM

We all have done things in the past that we may not be proud of and the best way to move past it is to ask God to forgive you and then forgive yourself. I hope you both learned from your mistakes and don't repeat them.:cool:

tyspy · Apr 20, 2006, 08:20 AM

We have both learnt and I certainly have and will never make that mistake again in my life

Fr_Chuck · Apr 20, 2006, 02:44 PM

It is good that you both feel free to talk about your past, but it is just that, your past. You have first no right to interfere in her past and need to accept her and lover her for who she is now. Men too often ruin everything by wanting to "fix" stuff that just needs to be forgotten or at least left alone.

I have had to put a tomb stone over two wives but again have a wonderful wife that I love very much. As you get older, assuming this love is not forever. The "past" gets more and more and complicated and complicated.
I lived a sort of past as a youth ( that drug and sex culture) first names or nick names was all you knew if you even cared to ask that of the other person. So loving someone is accepting them for who they are now, period

CroCivic91 · Apr 20, 2006, 04:31 PM

Originally Posted by tyspy

it brings back my thoughts of him touching her and I think she is thinking about it everytime we pass the house! I know its a mixture of jealousy that he was her first and she will never forget him and anger for what he did!

Similar thing has happened to me... the thought of my girlfriend doing anything sexual with other guys in her past (before she even knew me) made me feel real bad and jealous and made me feel stuff I really shouldn't have felt. Even now when I think about it - I don't feel right.

What really helped me was telling her how I feel and what troubles me and asking her to tell me flat out what she did with other guys... I told her it truly bothers me and that I know it's not normal that it bothers me and that I feel it would help me if she just told me. She found it really weird that it bothers me, but she understood that by telling me - she can only help me. So she told me, and I felt bad for a few more days, but I don't think about it any more, and it doesn't trouble me.

As with anything else in a relationship - I think the conversation is the key. Tell her how you feel... ask her to help you... talk about it... get it over with.

tyspy · Apr 27, 2006, 04:50 AM

Thanks for the comments I will try very hard to forget it and I am beginning to, I will most certainly talk to her about it and try and move this out of my mind forever.

Many thanks

Ty

Chery · Apr 28, 2006, 12:31 PM

Originally Posted by tyspy

Thanks for the comments I will try very hard to forget it and I am beginning to, I will most certainly talk to her about it and try and move this out of my mind forever.

many thanks

Ty

OK, now from a woman's point of view. If she talked about it once, then that's what you should accept. You've a past, she has a past, and we all have a past. Constantly bringing it up and talking about it is only going to open the wound again and it will then never be forgotten and the guilt rises again. This, is something no relationship needs.

Once a woman tells you something so intimate, she trusts you. But, I don't think that any woman wants to be constantly reminded - and neither do men (of their mistakes and/or bad experiences). So, forget it and go on with your lives as if you two are the only ones that count and get to know each other anew. Hope that you are careful enough to check your jealousy meter - being jealous of the past can create big problems for the future. And, believe me, some part of what you are feeling is a pang of jealousy - so please curb it if at all possible.

Lots of luck and best wishes.

fredg · Apr 29, 2006, 05:25 AM

HI,
Tried to give Chery an "approval", but got the pop-up window.
You say "get this out of MY mind forever".
I agree with Chery. She has already told you about it. Getting it out of Your mind? You will have to do that yourself; she can't do it for you.
Talking with her about it again, is only going to cause her pain. Do you want that, just for your own sake?
Don't talk about with her anymore, she has already told you. If you have a need to talk about it further, find someone else, such as a Priest, Minister, Counselor, etc, but leave her out of it. This is Your issue, not hers.
Best of luck, and hang in there... it will get better.

aqua@home · Apr 29, 2006, 08:40 AM

Ty,

I don't know really where to start here. You have been given some great advice thus far. I would like to add a few things from a victims standpoint. If she has dealt with it and she has moved on you are hurting her (and yourself) by continuing to hang on to it. She doesn't need you to fix it (you can't) she just needs your support for if she needs to deal with this at all in the future. I think you understand that there is nothing you could have done. Forgiveness is a wonderful thing. In no way does it mean to forget, but it allows you to let go of the hurt and the anger and whatever else you feel and be free of it. Then you can really heal. I don't think it's bad for you to feel like this but you do have to heal. Realize there is nothing you could have done, you cannot change the past and it wasn't her fault. I think if you accept these things you will be able to move on. Just a little side note. My husband doesn't bring up anything about my past and when I do, even if he's uncomfortable, he just listens. He offers me a shoulder if I need one. I know he isn't judging and I think that helped us both to work through things in the past. I wish you and your girlfriend the best and I hope you get something out of this. Take care.

tyspy · May 2, 2006, 02:30 AM

Again thanks everyone for your words of wisdom, I am taking in and listening to everything you all have to say. I am trying hard now to let the past go and concentrate on our future together its difficult and there have been times this past week where I have passed the house where it happened and I have taken a deep breathe and tried not think about it! For some strange reason every time I pass the house with my girlfriend with me I think she's thinking about it although I know deep down she isn't!
My theory is that the day I pass this house and I feel no anger or pain will be the moment I have put it to bed!
As Fredg pointed out I am not going to lie I am jealous that this guy so casually took her virginity without a care he took from her what can only be taken once in a lifetime, this makes me angry and upset with him but I know it takes two to tango and has she said no it wouldn't have happened! Furthermore if she kept bringing up what I did I would be really upset and hurt that she couldn't let me past go (now doesn't that sound Hypocritical!) but she doesn’t know who I slept with before her and she isn't interested she believes as do most past is the past and I must start wakening up to this fact myself.

Chery · May 23, 2006, 02:25 PM

Typsy, you're finally getting there. If you find yourself slipping, just come back to this thread and re-read it all. You'll do fine.

It's hard, but we all have to look ahead in order to keep going. The past does sometimes creep up on us all, but it's how we handle it which makes us better.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

letmetellu · May 23, 2006, 09:20 PM

Is this girl worthy of being the mother to your children. If you can not answer that question yes then let her go and find you a virgin that you will not have to have those bad feelings about. If she is worthy and you love her let this pass and have a good life with her. Oh by the way are you worthy to be the father of her children??

LivingSouL · Apr 4, 2007, 10:22 PM

I have a similar problem too with my current girlfriend. I have some issues regarding with her past, and knowing all her past and the places it happened, and one of the guys is my school mate now at the university, seeing and passing all those reminds me of her past, and it makes me feel really bad and jealous.

She already told me she wished it never happened, that she was just curious... But it still really made me feel bad... and last night, she told me the other guy called and made some conversations with her... I really felt bad because I was forgetting it and suddenly reminded...

But now, I will try to change my thoughts about it, reading all this made me feel really good... THANKS A lot... I might as well make a song out of this.. :)