[carolinefrances]

I met this guy about three months ago. He's 24 and I'm 22. He approached me while I was at a bar. I didn't really like him that much at first but once we started talking we had loads in common and got on better than I felt I had ever gotten on with anyone before. Even the most obscure references we made, we both understood straight away. We talked on the phone every day (he would call me) and he chose to spend most of his free time with me. Things were going really well but even I was starting to feel panicked at how fast it seemed to be going. He spent a lot of the time with me with a kind of amazed (and a little bit frightened) look on his face and told me a couple times (with a proud looking smile on his face while putting his arm around my shoulder) about how one of his exes was really good looking but she wasn't very smart, sociable, didn't get his humor/lifestyle, couldn't deal with his family etc. and I was SO smart, sociable, etc. I could also tell he was used to being the center of attention when we were out and was taken aback, half proud/half threatened (he would always then do something to "mark his territory") by how much I get stared at, approached, etc. He has told me I am scary but not in a bad way. I've met his family and really like them and they like me. He invited me to his youngest brother's First Communion and we had a really nice time. When I told him I had a good time when he took me home he looked almost painfully shy and said it wasn't that good while looking up at me with his head down and then I gave him a goodbye hug and kiss. His parents have been together since they were both 16 when his mom got pregnant with him. They split up for three weeks when he was about 12 because his dad moved in with someone else but after they (dad and new gf) split up dad came back crying and the mom took him straight back. I get the feeling his dad, at least, plays around outside of the relationship. They are very unhappy together so obviously this will color his idea of what a relationship is. He has had a couple of serious relationships before and all of them have ended with his girlfriend telling him they have cheated on him a number of times behind his back. Obviously this would be devastating. He told me he has never cheated apart from maybe a kiss at a party if they haven't seen each other for a while (six months). I told him I wouldn't be happy with that if I was in a relationship and he kind of looked at me with admiration and came and sat next to me from across the room. I have been engaged once and married once. Both of the relationships ended because my partner was excruciatingly abusive and I am in counseling for it and the guy I like knows that. A couple of weeks ago he called saying he would come over to my house to hang out after his work (Wednesday). When he didn't turn up I called and he told me he was just in from work and had to babysit his little brothers for his mom and had forgot he had agreed to do it. I told him I was disappointed but that I was proud of him for doing so much for his family and working so hard at his job. He said he would come over the next day (Thursday). When he didn't turn up the next day I called again and he said he had actually meant Friday but had just got confused because he was working backshift that week (2-10pm) and it had really messed with his head. When he didn't turn up on Friday I tried to call and his dad (he stays with his parents) told me he wasn't sure but thought he had gone to his (male) friends to stay the night. (He has told me his friends give him a lot of "verbal abuse" (his words) if he doesn't spend "enough" time with them.) I tried to call for the next couple days but his parents kept telling me he wasn't in. About two weeks later I got my computer and checked out bebo because he had shown me his page before and I knew he was really proud of it. I added him to my friends and sent him a private message saying hi but he never got back to me. I left a message on his public board and he got back to me. When he has gotten back to me he is totally different than when he talks to everyone else, more shy and more polite. From looking at his profile I have seen he has went out with A LOT of girls and I don't think he has formally broke up with any of them. Mostly very insecure and unintelligent but quite attractive women. Most of them seem like they still really like him but he just kind of strings them along. A couple of the girls really cling to him and message him all the time saying how much they miss him, how wonderful, amazing, etc. he is and he often jokes about his "stalkers". I can totally identify with this as I am generally very similar and often have a couple of guys on the go at the same time. I am struggling right now though because I feel really differently about him than anyone else I have met. I am going to go see his band play soon and he has told me I better not forget and I better be there. I know he has also invited some of the other girls, too. He has challenged me a lot on my character, integrity, etc. (as I have him) and I have a sinking feeling this is another test to see how I react to having to be around the other girls and how they react to me. I really am struggling because I know that he is a total player and a lot of the girls on his profile mention the same things he has said to me. I think the player aspect of him is just a knee-jerk reaction to how his previous romances turned out though, not that he is actually heartless. There is a picture of him on his profile with a girlfriend (2003) and he looks so content in his eyes. I think he just wants to be able to love someone fully and be able to trust them not to screw him over, which I can totally empathize with. We both have very similar backgrounds and I think growing up in an unhappy and abusive household (physical beating and being told you are worthless, a spaz, etc. all the time) does things to you that are hard to understand without experiencing them from a child's viewpoint. He has also told me he is really upset that he was born infertile and how it freaks him out that he can never have kids. I have two young kids (under 4) and he really likes them and leaves comments on my photos of my kids on my profile saying how cute they are, how blue their eye's are, etc. I just don't know if, as he has said, "we have met our matches in each other" and he really does like me as much as I like him and feels really bad about standing me up and scared and that's why he is not calling me or if he sees me as just the same as the other women he has on the go. I think he does like me but is scared because I am much more challenging than the other girls and by falling for someone you lose some of your control and I feel like if we spend a lot of time together we definitely will fall. How can I find out for sure? If he does just see me the same as the other girls I will be friends with him but that's it. If he does like me as an actual potential life partner how can I deal with his previous disrespectful behavior in a way that acknowledges it and makes it clear it won't be tolerated again without giving him a big guilt trip? The last time I spoke to him about "us" I told him I definitely didn't want a relationship and just wanted to play the field but now I think I might feel differently. All the other guys I was with just made me miss him, even if I hadn't been already thinking about him. Should I tell him that? What should I do?

[N0help4u]

Well until you know for sure it may be best to keep him some what at a distance emotionally and see how he is before you let it get into a serious bf/gf thing. You said you think he wants to see how you are with these girls but actually you need to watch how he is with those girls.
Don't read too much into it but be cautious, he could be flirty but he could also not really be interested in them because he could really be looking for a serious girl that really wants a real relationship.

[hjpan]

Seems like the type of guy whose like their father...

Find attractive girls, seduce their minds, and be "friendly" with them...

[carolinefrances]

I think I will just be friendly and have a laugh and a flirt. I am going to try to get the possibility of him becoming my boyfriend out of my head unless he suggests it first. We had fooled around before but after some experiences I have had since then I have decided that I don't want to be physically intimate with anyone unless we are in a relationship (something with marriage as a possibility in the future and where we are both not sleeping with anyone else.) I will say that (quickly, directly and without expectation) to him the next time we are in the situation where we could be intimate. I guess his reaction will speak volumes?

[carolinefrances]

He told me tonight that he is going to be going to a certain nightclub on Saturday night. If I turn up there would that be good and show I want to spend time with him or would it seem desperate and stalkerish? I asked him if it was dudes only and he didn't respond but just talked about something else.
HELP!

[hjpan]

He told me tonight that he is going to be going to a certain nightclub on Saturday night. If I turn up there would that be good and show I want to spend time with him or would it seem desperate and stalkerish? I asked him if it was dudes only and he didn't respond but just talked about something else.
HELP!

You don't show up.

[N0help4u]

He told me tonight that he is going to be going to a certain nightclub on Saturday night. If I turn up there would that be good and show I want to spend time with him or would it seem desperate and stalkerish? I asked him if it was dudes only and he didn't respond but just talked about something else.
HELP!

Stalkerish unless you are a regular there but be able to prove that if you ARE.