[circusmonkey]

I'm a guy. 33 y/o but I look about 24. My best friend and hangout buddy is a girl and 25. She is very attractive girl. I have known her for 7 years. During this time she had a steady boy friend.

I gave kudos to him because he never seemed bothered that I would come over, pick her up and go out to dinner or the movies. Sometimes he would even say "have a good time guys". We go running, take kickboxing classes, did capoeira together. We were activity buddies. Sometimes I would wonder what was wrong with him. She'd ring me up on new years eve and ask if I wanted to hang out with her because her boyfriend was out with his friends.

I always found her very attractive but the thought never got in my head that I wanted to sleep with her. I remember once we went to the pool and she came out in this two piece bikini. Man. I had to jump in the water quickly because other parts of my body were beyond control! :-)

It never bothered me that she hung out with others guys or that she was pashing her boyfriend in front of me. Or talked about hot guys. She was just my friend. We're very close. She has found a shoulder to cry on on many occasions. We'd talk about so many things. We know each other very well.

When she told me she wanted to marry boyfriend, I felt crushed inside. She proposed to him and they became engaged. She talked about having a wonderful wedding on a boat and all starry eyed about it all. I was still crushed. I told her I wasn't going to her wedding.

Anyway, a few months later she decided it was the wrong decision and she didn't want to get married. She was so distraught and didn't know what to do. Because she was the one that proposed it made the whole thing so very hard for her. She cried in front of me asking me what she should do. She told me she had two choices, marry and divorce straight away or cancel the wedding. Either way it would mean her relationship would be over. I told her she would be a lot worse off if she married and divorced.

In the weeks leading up to the wedding day she would text me at like 3am. I imagined correctly she was sitting on her balcony in tears, pouring wine down her throat and wishing the ground would swallow her up. She would text me something like “...everything is f----- and I don’t know what to do.”

I was at her place on wedding day. Her fiancé was there. She was ringing up to cancel the celebrant and other things. Then she went to the bedroom to talk to fiancé. I left. As I drive home her sister calls me. My best friend is distraught. I stopped the car and ask to talk to her. She is inconsolable. Her relationship is over.

During this time we became really, really close. I wanted to be there to support her during this difficult time. Her brothers and sisters and mother was also living with her in at her shared residence with boyfriend. It helped that I was on leave from my job so I was there almost every day for a month. We would go out and do things together with her brother and sisters to keep her mind busy and getting some cheer out of her. She really appreciated that I was there for her. I became close to all of them. Ex moved out.

One night I was her teddy bear in the bedroom to cuddle and hold. Suddenly she kissed me. From the first kiss she said “We’re ruined”. We pashed all night until the morning. No sex. Then for about a month we had sex like rampaging bunnies. Several times we were at it all day/and or night long. It was fantastic. We told each other our feelings and everything. We talked about how crazy it was that we’re making out and how neither of us could ever think we’d end up like this. We both felt on top of the world. And feeling WEIRD.

Month and days later she told me she didn’t want a relationship so soon after her break up which was totally understandable and I agreed. Actually she told me this right from the start but it really match what she said in conversation. We were acting like lovers in public. Holding hands. Kissing etc etc.

Now I got “rebound guy” written all over me.

All her siblings and mum knew we were at it and had no problems with it but at the end of the day all I care is how she feels about it. We said we’d stopped doing it several times but we couldn’t resist.

She is going through some hard times. Her break up and dealing with her alcoholism. She’s also taken responsibility for her 16 y/o sister. She works very hard and has a huge debt. They now live together with another female flatmate.

We promised never to have sex again. She said she doesn’t want a relationship with anyone. Not for a long while. She told me it was a mistake, she was sorry that she hurt me and made me think we had something. I felt hurt of course but I don’t feel anger or resentment because I still love and care for her very much.

We’re still friends but something is definitely broken that can’t be put together. Some days she is quite grumpy at me but only because she’s irritable from work and lack of sleep.

My mind is on a roller coaster of emotions. I told her all this and she suggested we just stopped seeing each other for a while. I’m weening myself off her. I stopped calling her. I’ve hit the gym and running track and starting to look and feel like an elite athlete. It’s still hard filling in the void. Her sister and brother treats me like big brother and wants to hang out with me often. I try to avoid seeing her but we still manage to see or talk to each other some way or another.

We’re not over and we still have our friendship. I just hope that time out will make us come back together stronger again. Everybody is telling me to give her space and time. I don’t want her to think I’ve completely forgotten her. I miss doing the things I did like buy the groceries on occasions, picking her up from work and other appointments. Leaving flowers in the vase on the table every Tuesday. Can I still leave her flowers in the vase while she is at work and come home and see them?

I hope she comes around. I just want my best friend back.

[RedneckMama]

From your post, you sound like a very genuine and understanding friend--willing to give your girl the space she needs without whining to her about your own feelings...

I have no further advice for you... I think you're doing exactly what she wants you to do... that you are doing nothing wrong... that you are letting her know that while you are still available to be her friend, and more if she's okay with it, you're willing to let her have her much needed breathing room...

It's hard to judge what she may be feeling emotionally toward the situation at this point.. she sounds like she has a lot on her plate, a lot of emotions to sort through... a lot of drama to deal with...

I think it's a wonderful wonderful idea for you to continue putting out flowers for her... as a little reminder that you're there still, but honoring her wishes at the same time...

I would say don't forget to move forward with your own life; but you sound like you've pretty much got that under control as well...

I wish you good luck... and by the way, I'm loving the 'pashing' reference.. I have never heard that before, but will use it again now! Ha!

[aikmdad]

Flowers are probably okay but give her space like she asked for. Sounds a little like you took advantage of her poor state of mind after the break up with her fiancé.

[Nestorian]

I've recently bin in a simulare situation, only the girl I loved chose her ex over me, and now we have a baby coming, we don't really know if it's mine or his, but I told her I'd help support her and the baby regardless. I'm not overly concerned about it, wich may sound strange, since there is a Baby coming and I've no real secure job, nor life direction, and she loves the other guy.

I have no choice but to let go, you can go back after she is feeling better. As much as it sucks, you may just have to get on with your life, and if and when the time comes that you two get together, then it will be, but if not... YOu will have to say good bye to that idea.

I have much more to say, but unfortuantely I have to run. May peace and love be with you my friend.

[talaniman]

Hard to go back after you've crossed the friends boundaries. Time and space is what she needs, but be aware that things have changed and it will take a heckuva lot to rebuild what has been torn apart, even though she needed that distraction. Give her what she asked for, and focus on balancing your own life for now, without her in it. I doubt seriously if she can forget you, so don't worry.

[JBeaucaire]

You seem like a well-intentioned person. I know you're going to do the right thing by her, and I'm pretty sure SOME girl is going to make an awesome choice in you.

[ka1111]

I'm a guy. 33 y/o but I look about 24. My best friend and hangout buddy is a girl and 25. She is very attractive girl. I have known her for 7 years. During this time she had a steady boy friend.

I gave kudos to him because he never seemed bothered that I would come over, pick her up and go out to dinner or the movies. Sometimes he would even say "have a good time guys". We go running, take kickboxing classes, did capoeira together. We were activity buddies. Sometimes I would wonder what was wrong with him. She'd ring me up on new years eve and ask if I wanted to hang out with her cos her boyfriend was out with his friends. ?

I always found her very attractive but the thought never got in my head that I wanted to sleep with her. I remember once we went to the pool and she came out in this two piece bikini. Man. I had to jump in the water quickly because other parts of my body were beyond control! :-)

It never bothered me that she hung out with others guys or that she was pashing her boyfriend in front of me. Or talked about hot guys. She was just my friend. We're very close. She has found a shoulder to cry on on many occassions. We'd talk about so many things. We know each other very well.

One night I was her teddy bear in the bedroom to cuddle and hold. Suddenly she kissed me. From the first kiss she said “We're ruined”. We pashed all night until the morning. No sex. Then for about a month we had sex like rampaging bunnies. Several times we were at it all day/and or night long. It was fantastic. We told each other our feelings and everything. We talked about how crazy it was that we're making out and how neither of us could ever think we'd end up like this. We both felt on top of the world. And feeling WEIRD.

Now I got “rebound guy” written all over me..

I stopped calling her. I've hit the gym and running track and starting to look and feel like an elite athlete. It's still hard filling in the void. .

I miss doing the things I did like buy the groceries on occassions, picking her up from work and other appointments. Leaving flowers in the vase on the table every Tuesday. Can I still leave her flowers in the vase while she is at work and come home and see them?

I hope she comes around. I just want my best friend back.

MY GOD MAN.

Apart from the ages,those parts are copy paste of my situation.With us it was surfing,running,tennis and other stuff.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...st+friend+love

With me it was the sudden death of my father.She even said those words to me that first time,too.Creepy...

But,in my case,after 2 1/2 months she went back to old boyfriend.I told her I had feelings for her and couldn't be friends with her.

A lot of things have happened and it has gotten a lot more complicated since then..

I'm sorry to say this to you,but don't be surprised if she goes back to the guy.

Try to understand how you would feel if that happened and then tell me if you want to be friends with her.Be prepared for the worst and be very very careful.

All the best man..

[circusmonkey]

Well the flowers went down well and I picked her up from the super market on Sunday. We talked for a while about what's been happening in her life while in the car but I still need to confront some realities.

I don't think she has any feelings for me or she's doing a pretty good job of hiding. I can remember times when she would be so happy to see me or want to see me but I don't feel this anymore. Nothing malicious or overtly nasty. Maybe she is doing it deliberately to ween me off thinking we have anything. Either way I'm someone who can take a hint.

At least we are still friends although slightly broken. Although I don't see her as often as I use to I still occasionally bump into her maybe twice, three times a week. When we are alone I just want to touch her or hold her hand. I look at her and I want to hold her. I still have feelings.

I can't move on if I keep seeing her. I've decided its probably best that I just don't see her anymore for a year or ever. No contact. Best to do it while we are still have our friendship intact and nothing has made us part with any anger or resentment.

Its probably best for her too since she is still in the process of moving on from her ex, she doesn't need me around to add to her worries. I don't know what to do about her little sister.

She treats me like big brother and wants to hang out with me a lot. I love her very much as my little sister too. Should I keep hanging out with her or should I tell her I can't see her too? She would be very upset. She has already told me that just because her sister and me ruined our friendship why should her relationship with me be affected in a bad way.

I'm waiting for her to call me so I can tell her all this or if she doesn't then we'll both know what's happening. Maybe a year or two we can bump into each other and be the way we were before all this.

[JBeaucaire]

Good luck. Healing is always a slow process. And as for NC, you might not need to call her and "talk about it" since you two are probably on the same page.

NC can start cold turkey, too.