[jamimama]

That sucks Jami!! It's too bad that you have to keep on running into him like that all of the time. Well you know, on second thought, maybe not. It might help you to put an end to another chapter in the book of Jami. I know it's tough on you though. Believe me hun, I have been there more than once, and each time I thought I would never get over it. I once sat in a dark room, curtains closed, doors locked, listening to depressing songs, (and every single one would remind me of him) for 3 weeks in a row. I didn't eat and hardly slept. Then one day I "woke up" and looked at myself and said...is he really worth all of this?...conclusion...nope!! ;)

Just try and keep your focus on graduation day, and all of the other good things that are out there waiting for you!! :) One day soon you will be out somewhere and you'll see that guy that makes you say...Evan who?

Hang in there Jami!! You'll get through it girl!! :)

Thanks so much for your encouragement! I have to keep reminding myself that seeing him in such an unflattering light in which he demonstrates that he can't be civil and oftentimes looks completely childish (if not drunk) helps me stop romanticizing him and our relationship.

It helps so much to know that you've been through this and made it out OK. I am having trouble finding people to relate to. My mom can give good advice but is disappointed that I'm still in this state. I know she wants the best for me and it's frustrating to see me stuck on Evan, but I wish I could change it too.

I'm not sure how to improve on what I've been doing to cope best: the things I've thought about are going to see a therapist and being all Oprah and making some goals for self-fulfillment for myself.

[starbuck8]

I know that Mom's can be like that Jami. They weren't there, nor were your friends, to understand how your relationship felt to you. You are the only one who had the inside scoop on that. Don't let anyone set a time limit for you. I'm not saying that you shouldn't make yourself get out there and set goals, but only you will know when all of it sits right in your head.

I think a therapist is a good idea. It will help to talk to someone that is unbiased, and just knows YOU, not Evan and you as a couple.

[talaniman]

When I was going through the break up blues, it was the things that I learned about myself that freaked me out the most. Especially when it was me doing the mind tricks on myself, and not her, she was just doing what she does, and I was reading it like some romance novel, I was my own drama king, and tried to put it on her. But when I stopped the games with myself and focused on ME, I worried about her a lot less. Sometimes being in certain places, or catching glimpses of them, triggers those old emotions, and feeling, and overwhelm our senses for a moment. I had to learn to physically bring the focus back to the present, and do something else besides think. It got easier the more I did it. Believe it or not EXERCISE, is a good physical outlet, and at parties, dancing. Yep anything that changes your focus, even combing your hair, is a good thing. Back then I had the most polished shoes of anyone.

[jamimama]

I've had a good day today so far: I did things I wanted, which included spending time outdoors with friends, going on a bike ride and going for a jog with a friend, doing some fun extracurriculars and going to dinner with another friend. I was able to take my mind off him a lot. BUT of course I saw him from a distance and two friends mentioned that they had seen him in my area and those sightings completely set me off course. I am excited to see a therapist and I'm feeling a little better today, but the constant presence he has in my environment is driving me nuts.

I am jokingly/honestly considering not going out tonight. As much as I want to have fun, this is a very small campus and now that he's out and about, I know I'll see him or be in a place surrounded by his friends who remind me of him despite my best interest to avoid. I'd ideally find some friends to dance with and a place to dance. Dancing is the best medicine.

That other guy who tried to kiss me apparently has extremely strong feelings and remains unfazed by my heartbreak in pursuing me. My friends keep telling him that now is not the time and that I'm in a manic, crazy place: I am focusing on me and can't handle a relationship, but he's not relenting.

Things to focus on:
1. the nice weather and being outside as much as possible
2. acing my classes
3. finding a job (applying for fifty in the process)
4. working through my feelings and keeping lists (lists are very therapeutic)
5. exercise
6. my friends who have been so amazingly supportive this whole time.

[jamimama]

It wouldn't be a real day if I didn't see Evan.

... I was doing fine, feeling great, and then I saw him again today.
It's 4/20 (for those of you unfamiliar, lots of marijuana-smoking and strange behavior on college campuses like mine) so he was out playing frisbee and presumably getting high. I was there to take in the enjoy the spectacle as an observer and to see friends.

I am so much better off when he doesn't exist.

We both saw each-other from a slight distance but again didn't say hi. But at least this time he didn't try to make me jealous. And eventually, I left. It feels to weird to be around him.

Earlier, I set a date in my head of May 1 as the day I would go up to him and say "Hi. I want to know if you want to be friends after all this" or something along those lines. The more I see him, the longer this goes on, the more I talk to people who have broken NC and barely lived to tell about it, the more I realize that this idea is not necessarily a good one.

I'm also quite terrified by some of the questions on this forum of "It's been two years and I'm still not over my ex." Right now, people are telling me it's going to get better and that I'll move on, but right now I can't imagine feeling completely like myself again and the posts of such long drawn out withdrawals are scary to say the least.

[starbuck8]

I'm sorry Jami. All I can say is I know how you feel... and so do so many other people on here. But it's personal to you, just like it is to the rest of us. I know you think in your head... but our relationship was different! It's really hard when you're the only one who knows all of the intimate details, and you think that nobody quite understands just how much it hurts you personally.

Try and think of this as a very hard final exam Jami. Evan is giving you the test, and you are going to go through all of your past notes, go through all of the practice exercises, and your goal is to pass the test with flying colors! Think of it as something else you can add to your lifes resume, and when the resume looks right to you, you will go out there with so much more experience and the knowledge you need to find someone that will hand in the perfect resume to you too.

I know that might have sounded a bit corny, but setting a goal to say hi to him on May 1, isn't the goal you should be setting hun. That will only set you back. Sometimes ex's can be friends, but not in this type of situation, and definitely not until you are truly over him.
Otherwise, it really IS just an excuse to stay in contact with him.

What could that possibly accomplish? One of two things. He will say Hi back, and it will give you a glimmer of hope, or he can totally blow you off, and then you are right back at day one. I know it sucks, but it's the reality of it.

Try and stay away from places on campus that you know he likes to go. It's not fair, but unless you want to have that sick feeling in your stomach all of the time, it's what you have to do. I know that sometimes it's unavoidable for you sometimes, but just think, Grad is coming soon. Try to think of that as a new beginning for you.

I sure wish I would've listened to my own advice YEARS ago! ;)

[talaniman]

You will never be completely like your old self. As you are learning, and growing, you just don't see it yet. Its you putting the pressure on yourself, and when you stop, you will see the whole world quite differently.

[jamimama]

You will never be completely like your old self. as you are learning, and growing, you just don't see it yet. Its you putting the pressure on yourself, and when you stop, you will see the whole world quite differently.

I have to spread the rep but this is life-changing insight. Seriously. This is the way I should be looking at this.

[jamimama]

Warning: I know this is long and it's really for me to reflect on the fact that it's been a month since the break-up more than I need advice. Skip this rambling if you like and I couldn't possibly be less offended. Four weeks. Whoa, I can't believe it was a month ago. It's unbelievable. I made it a month NC and I'm here to say that so can anyone else. But I've only done 1 day of not checking his Facebook. My goal right now is to do a week and then hopefully, eventually, that will become a month, etc.

I have to say, it's definitely gotten easier. There hasn't been a particular arc or line of progress, but I'm definitely better. I think seeing him and moments of reality setting in have really pushed me forward. Staying busy, active and social - and trying to find growth in loss - is all you can do. There are no shortcuts. Just ways to make it not worse.

It's been easier the last couple of days when I've been busy and active, hard when I've been alone, hard when I fixate on him, extremely hard when I've seen him.

And I tend to come on this board when I'm bored, confused or upset or when I've seen him, so these posts don't reflect the amount of progress I've made and the general amount of happiness and socializing I've been engaging in. At the same time, it's still extremely hard.

Clearly, there are hard days and hard moments and lots of manic moments, but I now realize that you have to take it a day at a time.

I really like Tal's and Starbuck's advice of reframing the way I look at this process of the break-up (and all their other wise words of coures). It's very Tao: I can't change the fact of the break-up but I can change the way I approach it and feel about it. First of all, I can't hope for "old Jami" back. I am going to get new, improved, wiser Jami and I can't force her progress. She will develop. Secondly, this is a test. Of strength, endurance and independence. And I want to come out on top.

People say that we have to rationalize bad things in our lives to cope as if it's a bad thing. No, it's psychology and survival. It's a good thing. If we didn't find the good in the bad, if we couldn't find ways to make our lives better when things aren't going well, we'd all be sullen, awful people stuck in the past. We have to understand and see the positive.

The more I reflect, the more I pick up on the warning signs that he wanted to end things and signs that this would happen. I also look back and while it's easy to focus on the amazing parts of our relationship, I have to consider some bad parts as well. I am beginning to reflect on how I am in relationships and in this one in particular. I invested a lot in my relationship with Evan: I cut out a lot of friends and gave him a great deal of my time and energy. More than he gave me. And I realize that Evan's negative words about my friends rubbed off on me and I became very judgmental and closed off from many relationships. His opinions affected me a lot. And now I am seeing one of my friends cut off her friends for her boyfriend and I see her going down my path. I see how much it hurts those around her without her even realizing it. And I am looking at all the free time I have these days and while it was amazing to fill the hours with Evan going on adventures, biking, having fun or just hanging out, I am now trying to learn to enjoy time alone.

I've also realized that I can be attractive to guys and flirting can be fun.

I still miss Evan but it's not the longing, mopey, "I want him back" sort of missing him. It's a less attached missing him and there's a bit of a frustration/anger underneath as opposed to a "woe is me."

I have a month left of school and I am having terrible anxieties about graduating since I have no job and no idea where I'll be or what I'll be doing. And part of me wishes I had this month to spend with Evan. But the alternative to my single, lonely confused life right now is so awful: in all alternative situations, Evan and I would be spending all our time together because we'd be apart after graduation and I'd be missing out on lots of experiences at the end of college. Either 1) Evan and I would have stayed together if I didn't know about him wanting to break up with me and I'd be in for an awful surprise come graduation day or 2) I would've stayed with him despite knowing that he'd want to end it with me and I'd be depressed/sad/clingly/convinced I could make him stay and I'd have lost my dignity. Given that I couldn't change Evan's feelings about wanting to separate, those are the two alternatives to my independence. And I think that this is the better option for me. And even if Evan had wanted to stay with me, it would have been great and fun and comfortable, but I'd still have the anxieties about making it through his time abroad and our future together and I'd have major doubts. I'd also probably be pulling away or not enjoying my time here because I'd be clinging to him.

[starbuck8]

You amaze me with your words all the time my girl. You know yourself very well, and I absolutely believe with all of my heart that you will come out of this just fine, and even better for having gone through this.

You called me wise, but I hope you take your experiences and use them a lot more wisely than I ever did. And actually, I would bet the house on that one! I'm behind you 100% and you know that!

[talaniman]

From reading your words, it seems your realising there is much for you to do for your own happiness. That's great, and will lead to positive productive action, in your own behalf.

[Mom of 2]

Sorry I have been away for about a week. It is great to see that you have accomplished so much in a week's time. You may not see it, but it is there. Whether you realize it, you are growing and learning. You are making progress.

I agree about the "making a goal to say hi". That is not a good idea. It is apparent that you cannot be friends otherwise this would have happened already (I think you realize that now).

Reframing your thoughts is very therapeutic and necessary. I must say that although you should not keep revisiting the places where he will be, I would not walk out of your way to entirely avoid them either. If you do that, you are really putting a lot of energy in avoiding, wich will ultimately MAKE you think about him more. Who knows, maybe one day you will walk past a place where you guys used to hang out together and then suddenly realize it after you pass by.

Keep doing what you are doing, because you are making progress and doing great!!

[jamimama]

Not checking his Facebook: hard at first and then soooo empowering.

[Mom of 2]

Remember, it is all about little steps.

[Chameleon24]

Not checking his Facebook: hard at first and then soooo empowering.

It makes you feel so much better not to check it. I realize that when I look at my ex's Facebook or find out something going on his life... it just gives me more things to think about. You don't want that. Just remember... you don't want to know what he's up to because you don't care. You need to have your mind set on your life right now.
And if you do feel the urge to go there... just ask yourself "why am I doing this? What do I want to see?" Go to a different website, or just shut down your computer. Sometimes when I felt the urge to check his page I would call up my sister or a friend... we'd start talking for awhile and by the time I got off the phone I wouldn't feel the urge anymore because I would have other things on my mind.

[Mom of 2]

That is great advice Chameleon. There are only so many thoughts that you mind can hold at any one time. If you make sure that they are full of thoughts that are not about him, then you will find that you will not think about him.

[jamimama]

Sorry I have been absent. I thought things were going well, but now I'm confused.

To update you, on Thursday I kissed a very nice boy (one I mentioned earlier in this thread) and although I did not intend to get involved with him, all weekend he went out of his way to contact me and see me. He's fun and funny and sweet. Tonight, he came over and asked why I wasn't kissing him. I told him I was unclear of what his agenda was or what he was doing. He said that he doesn't believe in monogamy nor does he strive for it. He said that the only girls he's dated he's known for a long time in advance and we are just getting to know each other. And he's kissing another girl who has an open relationship with a boyfriend abroad.

I respect that he was honest with me and am a bit confused about the situation. I think he's a nice guy and it's fun to hang out with him, but I'm used to being in a serious, monogamous relationship and knowing that he's with another girl would most likely drive me nuts. Even as an activity partner/cuddle buddy, this could get emotionally messy. It's not a very physical thing we have going, it's very emotional and datey, we're not hook-up buddies. He says that he wants to get to know me. And at the same time, there's only a month left of school. It's probably not wise to expect monogamy with anyone anyway. Everything will end soon. So... yeah... not sure how to work this out...

Oh lord...

[talaniman]

And at the same time, there's only a month left of school.

Your wise to see it for what it is. But having fun is what getting ready for the summer, and school to end is all about. Don't do anything to make you feel bad, to the contrary, enjoy the folks you meet.

[Mom of 2]

Yeah, this guy is upfront with you, which is a good thing. However, it sounds to me like he is a player and he expects you to be one too. If this is not in your character, then I would say don't change that. You are going to do what you are going to do no matter what anyone tells you. The point where you are at right now is a very vulnerable and delicate point. It IS nice to have someone there who you can cuddle with, etc. but don't compromise yourself because of a possible fear of being alone. You WILL find someone. Don't rush that and feel that you may be missing out. First impressions are important and if you feel that you are finding out something's about a person early on that you don't like, then take that as a blessing that you are not wasting time and move on.

Keep going out there and having fun, but don't compromise your standards because you think other people think that you should. I don't want to say that all guys are like this, but there are some out there who are only interested in one thing and once that chase is over, then they go onto the next "victim". They think that they can get away with it because of the fact that they were upfront and honest in the beginning, but that is just a cop out.

Just be careful.

[jamimama]

Wow, it's been so long since I posted here. All your advice helped me immensely so my absence is a good thing! I've been dealing with some huge anxieties about graduation (officially occurring this Sunday) but I've been using this time to work on myself, to build on my friendships, to enjoy my friends and classes and the last bit of college.

I got accepted to a couple of cool opportunities and my finals went really well.

I've also been dating a guy who is sweet and great. I wasn't looking for the ultimate great love and he's not. So no worries. No pressure. It' just someone I like spending time with and going to senior events with (yes the non-monogomist but we talked it through and we aren't seeing other people). Since I was only exposed to one guy all through college, it's nice to be exposed to another. A lot of the things I really like about him make me realize that Evan had a lot of growing up to do.

So that brings me to today... I got a phone call from a number that isn't in my phone so I ignored it. Then I realized that that area code was Evan's area code. And that I don't have other friends, job opportunities or contacts in that area. So I'm assuming that Evan called me today. I can't find his number anywhere online (I deleted it after the breakup to make certain I wouldn't call him sobbing one night.) so I'm not 100% positive that it's him but I'm 99%.

I shouldn't call him back, right? No message. Just wait for him to call me again? I'm assuming if he did call, it was either 1) in error or 2) to catch up and say good bye before graduation.