[jamimama]

Know that when the time is right, this too shall pass. You can not rush through it. Like I said, you will often go two steps forward and one step back. Just when you feel that you are making progress, something will throw you for a loop and you may feel that you are back where you started. This is COMPLETELY normal and should not frustrate you. The fact that you are going through these shifting feelings means that you are normal and that you are human AND that you are HEALING. Know that you are NOT alone. Again, acknowledge your pain, mourn your loss, as ignoring it will only delay the inevitable feelings that will show up eventually. You can't avoid it forever. Feeling pain means that you are still alive.

Although I agree that his shaving off his gotee COULD be a liberation move, you have to realize that focusing on why he does things is wasted energy. It is normal to wonder, as you had cared for him for so long. However, you need to refocus that energy on yourself. Trying to guess what he is doing, going to do and why he chooses to do things are wasted energy. You only have control over what YOU do. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can change and the wisdom to know the difference." This line from the Serenity Prayer has been my mantra for a long time and has saved me more than once.

You are a strong, intelligent and caring person. You will get through this. Vent here, that is what we are here for. To help you in any way that we can. Make whatever moves that you can in order to liberate yourself as well. This is a time of change, a time to heal. Be good to yourself. I know you can do it.

Thank you so much. So much. I know that it shouldn't matter, but I did find out that he didn't shave, which for some reason made me feel better.

I wish I could focus on myself right now. I know that that would be healthy. But it's hard to switch off the mode of being so concerned about someone else.

I look forward to tomorrow when I am going to a city I love to be with a friend I love. I am going to be busy, get a haircut, go shopping, talk to people and be around someone who has always been there for me. And then I have a job interview while I'm there. I know that that'll be good for me. I am already dreading coming back.

Yesterday and today have been HARD. Last night, I tried to talk to my mom when I was feeling terrible, but despite her best efforts, what she was saying made me worse. "What did you think was going to happen?" "You should've seen this coming."
But last night I was walking back from my friend's recital, which made me cry and feel awful: beautiful music is the worst.
Anyway, walking home, I was feeling like and ran into my friend who was walking the other way. He sat down with me and let me cry and he gave me the support I needed at that moment. Then, I came home, and my housemate was up doing work and despite all that she has going on, took the time to talk with me.
This morning, I woke up early and got breakfast with the friend I saw last night and another friend. I am realizing now that friends are amazing. Despite all this crap and the loneliness and sadness and heartbreak weighing down on me, I am seeing that I am really blessed.

[Mom of 2]

That is what friends are for. If they are true friends, they will allow you to vent and just listen. Sounds like you have a wonderful support system, which is what you need at this moment.

Continue to cry, as this can be very theraputic. Take what ever advice that they may give you that you feel is appropriate and helpful and leave the rest at the door. You know what you need and what you don't.

Take one day at a time, because that is all that you most likely can handle right now. Live in the moment and try to avoid the what if's. This is easier said than done. I sometimes find myself playing this game and it is so unproductive.

Continue to count the blessings that you have. I don't know if you like country music or not, but there is a song by Rascal Flatts that I always put on whenever I feel those down moments and it is very liberating. It is called "Stand". One of the verses goes:

Cuz when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend until you break
Cuz that's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand

Imagine me, a mom of 2 in my minivan with the stereo blaring and the windows down, singing loud and proud without a care in the world about who hears me. It is quite funny, and yes, liberating. This is such an empowering song.

Have a great time in the city. You deserve it!!

[HistorianChick]

Stand is one of my favorites as well... an AMAZING song for an AMAZING woman. I was actually listening to it this morning on my way to work. :) YouTube - Rascal Flatts - Stand

You ARE incredibly blessed, Jami, dear. Always remind yourself of that. You will make it. You will be stronger because of it.

[jamimama]

Oh lord.

Good news: I just got another job interview.
Bad news: This news seems so minuscule compared to the enormity of the break up.

I feel like even if I won an Oscar right now, it'd still be nothing compared to the badness I'm feeling and the fact that I'd want to share the news with him.

I know that this will in time get easier and I am glad that I'm working through this and experiencing it. Better now than "In a week, it will get worse." No, it's bad now. It may be bad next week, and it may be bad a week after, but it will get better.

[Chameleon24]

Oh lord.

Good news: I just got another job interview.
Bad news: This news seems so miniscule compared to the enormity of the break up.

I feel like even if I won an Oscar right now, it'd still be nothing compared to the badness I'm feeling and the fact that I'd want to share the news with him.

I know that this will in time get easier and I am glad that I'm working through this and experiencing it. Better now than "In a week, it will get worse." No, it's bad now. It may be bad next week, and it may be bad a week after, but it will get better.

That's how I've been feeling. Since the break up, whenever something good has happened to me I can't feel happy about it. Before the break up I had a midterm for my one class and he seemed concerned about how it had gone. I got it back after the break up and I did well on the test and my paper but I only felt a little proud. Couldn't call or text to let him know how I did. Like he would care now anyway.
I hate that. I try looking at the positives and good things I have in my life right now to make me feel better. But that thing... that ONE thing I ended up losing just gets to me.

Like you said... it's going to be bad. You can't put a time limit on anything. Who knows how long it'll take to get completely over him. But you know it can only get better. I still feel so bad, but I start to notice little improvements. I still cry, but not as often. I think about him constantly, but I still haven't given into checking his myspace or trying to "check up on him".

Everything is going to be all right.

[jamimama]

That's how I've been feeling. Since the break up, whenever something good has happened to me I can't feel happy about it. Before the break up I had a midterm for my one class and he seemed concerned about how it had gone. I got it back after the break up and I did well on the test and my paper but I only felt a little proud. Couldn't call or text to let him know how I did. Like he would care now anyways.
I hate that. I try looking at the positives and good things I have in my life right now to make me feel better. But that thing....that ONE thing I ended up losing just gets to me.

Like you said...it's going to be bad. You can't put a time limit on anything. Who knows how long it'll take to get completely over him. But you know it can only get better. I still feel so bad, but I start to notice little improvements. I still cry, but not as often. I think about him constantly, but i still haven't given into checking his myspace or trying to "check up on him".

Everything is gonna be all right.

When was your break up? When did you start to feel improvements? I am on the second week and it feels worse than the first.

[Chameleon24]

When was your break up? When did you start to feel improvements? I am on the second week and it feels worse than the first.

Well, tomorrow it will be 3 weeks since the break up. I still can't believe it, it doesn't even feel like any time has passed. The improvements are small. Very small, but it's still something. I can't really say when they started. I just look back at the thinking I've done over the last 3 weeks and figure I must be heading somewhere. Sometimes this thinking makes me feel stronger, and other times it makes me feel so much worse. Maybe I would go a day w/out crying, but then completely break down at some random moment the next. Any time I feel any little spark of happiness... even if it's just for a brief moment... I see it as an improvement. Even if the next hour or two are spent crying or feeling depressed. It makes getting over this seem possible, even if I still have a long way to go.

One thing that's helping me a little is planning. I look at this month and the following and I'm trying to plan stuff for the weekends. I got tickets to some Indians games, a couple of concerts, and a trip over to Cedar Point in May. Sadly I didn't plan anything for this weekend :(

[jamimama]

I've been able to get my mind off Evan for a bit in the city with my friend. It's been up and down. I don't have time for a real update, but I am definitely hurting. I'm having dreams where he either tries to get back together with me or I screw up getting back together with him every night. It's really painful. I wake up and feel so alone and sad. On the other hand, I got a haircut and bought some new clothes and it's nice to meet new people.

[Mom of 2]

Breaking up is never easy on anyone. You will get over it when you allow yourself the time to grieve and to get over it. You can't put a time on it. Even if you were the person to do the breaking up, you would still feel a sense a loss. Maybe if you were the one who initiated the breakup it would be a little different, but there would still be a sense of loss that you feel. Don't fall into the trap of comparing how long it took you to get over someone to another person who is going through a breakup. Everyone is an individual and everyone has their own thoughts and feelings and ways of doing things. You will get over your breakup in your own way and in your own time. People may give you advice on what you can do to get over a bad relationship, but only you can ultimately decide what you are going to do, when you are going to do it and how long it will take to be able to move on.

You will feel good on some days and bad on some days. Even if you were not suffering from a breakup, you would still have good days and bad days. If you did not have any bad days, how would you know if you were having a good day?

An exercise that I still do to this day is to FORCE myself to think of at least two positive things that have happened to me every day. It could be something mundane such as having the time to put all of the laundry away or dusting all of the furniture. OR it could be something monumental such as getting praise at work for a job well done, getting a raise, promotion, or the fact that the sun was shining and you had 5 minutes to enjoy it, etc. Whenever something brings you even a second of happiness, this is a positive moment. These are blessings and each one should be counted. When I see that I have positive things, then this brings me positive thoughts. Yeah, it would be nice to be in a relationship and be able to share these special moments with that special someone, but don't let that stop you from telling someone. You should not give someone the POWER to take away any positive moment from you just because that person is no longer in your life. Give this power to yourself, not someone else. You have every right to feel positive about yourself. You don't have to be in a romantic relationship to share these positive moments. If you are not in a relationship, then share these moments with a close girlfriend or a family member. Be proud of yourself!!

Jamimama, whether you realize it or not, you are doing well. It has only been 2 weeks and it is probably going to take a lot longer to get over than that. Don't force a time constraint on yourself, as this will cause further stress on yourself if you do not meet that timeline.

I'm glad that you had a fun time in the city. Enjoy your new look and try to stay positive. You will get over these hurt feelings.

[jamimama]

Update:

It's a beautiful day out so everyone was sitting outside in this one particular area in the center of campus. My friend asked if I wanted to go there to find one of her friends to sit outside for a while. So we went and as we were walking from one side of the grassy area to the other, I was telling a story and not engaged in what was going on. We stopped at the far end to look for her friend and I saw Evan, sitting with two friends. My stomach sank. He had seen me. I had passed him. I am trying to avoid him completely because I feel absolutely awful when I see him. Like crying and screaming and throwing up and all good things. But at least he saw me being social and looking good (I was wearing a very confidence-boosting dress) if he had to see me at all. So we went sort of at a diagonal... back up and around him and I talked to my friend Jon. After I did this, Evan waited a while and then he put on his shoes. He walked out of his way to avoid passing me, up this little hill and down again.
So he walks for a while with his friend, clearly avoiding me, and then I see Evan and his friend doing something behind a tree. Evan's friend is staring at me. And then I realize that there's someone behind the tree that Evan is talking to. Evan, who is not a very social person, is trying to pretend that he is flirting with this girl. He's smiling and trying to act all cool. But soon the girl goes to leave when a GUY comes and picked her up. This girl had a boyfriend and Evan was just hoping to make me jealous by flirting with someone and pretending to look happy.

I was wondering why his friend was staring at me to see if I had a reaction!

This all made me feel pretty frustrated: This is a boy who two weeks ago I was in love with and now he's trying to play games with me. I was upset so I talked to my mom who reassured me that he is acting childish and he is hurt and that regardless of what he does, I need to move on and realize that I made an autonomous decision to not let him string me along. I stood by him through a lot, I was patient with him, I was kind to him, and now he's playing games.

I did plan on saying “Hi” to him when I walked by him (this was the first time I actually saw him in public) so I was upset that it was in a situation where I couldn't say “Hi” and confront my fear. I will next time, I hope.

My mom is such a help in these situations. And I'm glad that I got custody over the grassy public area. I doubt he'll be going back there anytime soon if he couldn't stand to sit there with me around for five minutes.

[Mom of 2]

Your mom is absolutely right. He is playing games and acting VERY childish. Continue with what you are doing. At this point, I would not worry about ever saying hi to him, as he will probably just try avoiding you anyway. In regards to his friend, he probably had his friend stand "watch" and report back to him on what your reaction was when you saw him talking to the other girl. I hope that you did not go and try to find him (although it sounds like you did), as this is giving him what he wants. He WANTED you to seek him out, and then ultimately find him talking to another girl. He does want to make you jealous because deep down he is regretting breaking up with you (the grass is always greener on the other side). Don't give him even this much power!! You are much stronger than that. Stop fixating on having an opportunity to say hi to him. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, then don't fret.

[Mom of 2]

And by the way, if you are thinking that there might be a chance to get back with him, think about how immature he is acting right now. Do you really want to have a future with an immature person like this?

[jamimama]

Your mom is absolutely right. He is playing games and acting VERY childish. Continue with what you are doing. At this point, I would not worry about ever saying hi to him, as he will probably just try avoiding you anyway. In regards to his friend, he probably had his friend stand "watch" and report back to him on what your reaction was when you saw him talking to the other girl. I hope that you did not go and try to find him (although it sounds like you did), as this is giving him what he wants. He WANTED you to seek him out, and then ultimately find him talking to another girl. He does want to make you jealous because deep down he is regretting breaking up with you (the grass is always greener on the other side). Don't give him even this much power!!! You are much stronger than that. Stop fixating on having an opportunity to say hi to him. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, then don't fret.

Thank you! I didn't go up to see what was going on but was watching from far away where I was sitting. I think it's funny that he was trying to make me jealous but all he did was make me realize that he acts like an idiot and is incredibly childish.

And I agree. Whether I say hi to him or not is no big deal. Right now I need to heal. Break-ups are so weird because there's the rational mind telling me how to go about life and the emotional/hormonal side that's going nuts. Luckily, the rational side will win out eventually! And it's great to be snapped back into it by my mom and people like you!

[jamimama]

Today was much better. I feel like going through experiences like that, where I either see him or he acts like an idiot (or both), it solidifies my feelings of acceptance and moving on a little bit more.

It also helps that I'm busy right now and social and making a huge effort to do new things.

Of course it has only been 17 days but my friends say they see a major improvement in me from a week ago and I feel it too. I still think about him a lot but it's in a different way. Not constantly sad. It still stings and it still sucks.

Seeing him was the worst. Also bad: I feel lonely when I want to call him or know we'd be doing something fun. And I want to share good news with him and lie in bed with him and talk. I know it's going to be hard for a while, but I think I've done well so far.

Things I'm enjoying:
Setting my own schedule, all my free time, feeling liberated to make choices that only concern myself, meeting new people, making spontaneous plans, finding support in other people and myself, thinking up goals without limitations, flirting with guys and trying new things.

[Mom of 2]

I couldn't agree with you more!! You ARE doing great. Just remember that the next time that you enter into a relationship, don't stop doing what you are doing right now. You should have your own life even when you are in a relationship, otherwise you could become resentful. It sounds like you had lost yourself for awhile when you were in that relationship. Don't EVER forget who you are.

[starbuck8]

I just thought I would check in and see how you are doing Jami. I really knew right from the start that you would make it through all of this, and be a stronger person. I got that vibe from you right away! :)

It looks like Mom of 2 has been giving you some very good advice, and comfort! She's got your back!

I can't wait to hear how well you are doing, once you have had time to go through all of the things you need to in order to move forward.

I'm pulling for you big time! ;)

Once again,. Best of Luck to you! I know you will come out of this on the positive side, and a great guy will be thankful that he met you!

:)

[starbuck8]

No gifts necessary... just a big group hug! :)

Now, get out there and flaunt your stuff girl! It'll look good on you! ;)

[jamimama]

I know I'm doing well but I really missed tonight in a pained way. I went dancing with my friends and had an awesome time. It was great. But as the night wore on and people were coupling and going home, I started to feel awful. And I know that it's OK. But it's still hard. The weekend nights are proving to be particularly rough. I need to stop checking his Facebook. He made it so that I can't see anything about him except his college year, but he's friends with my pets who have Facebook accounts (laugh if you want. It's silly) and he made his info unavailable to one of my pets but forgot to do that for the other. So I could see that he was blocking me from his information. The thing was, he wasn't hiding anything. It doesn't even say "single." It was either to make me question or to protect me from a potential future "single" status. I blocked him from my wall last week. I KNOW that it doesn't matter. I KNOW that all this is stupid, yet right now it's affecting me. It's really frustrating.

Oh lord... I wish I could sleep.

I also need to voice a secret irrational concern because it will make me feel better to get it off my chest: Right now, I know that he misses me and is doing things to leave me guessing and try to make me feel jealous. I know that. And it helps to know that. To know that he's not dealing with this that maturely and that he's struggling with his feelings for me. But I'm concerned that he'll start dating or having sex with someone soon and I'll see them together and all these efforts he's making to appear happy will suddenly be real. I know that he shouldn't be the focus of my attention and that I should be the focus of my attention, but it's still hard. There's just a lot on my mind right now. I need to stop focusing on "what ifs" and my concern over what he does. I need to really concentrate all my focus away from him.

[starbuck8]

Everything you're feeling and thinking is SO NORMAL! I really empathize with you. I went through all of this myself, and even though the circumstances were totally different, I was with my ex for yrs. and then one day it came crashing down like a skyscraper!

It is hard enough just to imagine what he might do, and 100 times harder when the reality of it hits. It really sucks! And when it happens you feel like you're back at day one. I tried to stay away from the places my ex hung out at, but I know that's hard for you since you are both in the same school.

I wish I had some magic words for you hun. All I can say is it does get better. Sometimes it does take a really long time, depending on the circumstances, but the hurt lessens a little more everyday. Well, it does to an extent. Some days can be really bad, I know.

Do you want company? I'm here and wide awake if you want to talk, OK?

[starbuck8]

You can send me a PM or an email too if you don't want to talk it out publicly ;)