[slash1]

My wife and I have been married for 5 yrs. We got pregnant with our daughter about 2 months into dating, which was no big deal, we new we loved each other very much. We now have a son, we have two wonderful children. She says that we are disconnected and that we should get divorced, I for one don't believe in divorce. We have had your typical bouts with infidelity and such. Sometimes I feel like she blames everything on me without taking any responsibility for her own actions or behaviors. I feel that we are happy and just going through the better or worse part of marriage, I mean lets face no one stays married for fifty years by giving up. They take it for what it is worth and work through it. What should I do ?

[Clough]

Have you discussed with her the possibility of going to a marriage counselor?

[JBeaucaire]

Sorry to be so blunt, but two months into dating I doubt sincerely you were in love, you were in "wow" with one another. Most people are on their best courting behavior in the first 3-6 months of dating. This isn't a real representation of things, it's the "fun" days.

If you have a serious bead on someone, you have to give it time to see if they really are who they are presenting themselves to be. Unfortunately, that means waiting patiently a year or more. Sex screws that up royally (no pun intended). Kids make it impossible. You're stuck.

Just from my reading of your initial message, you two aren't really compatible. You have a much more mature and committed relationship mindset than she does. It takes two people to agree to GET married. It takes two people to agree to STAY married. On that second point, you may be screwed. Even with marriage counseling, if she really only sees you as the father of her children and not the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with, not much you can do about it.

But you do have children together. Counseling is, of course, worth a shot. But the person who loves the LEAST in a relationship usually ends up with most of the control. Your love will put her in control if she doesn't share it fully. That's just the way it is. If you're OK with that, and I sense you may possibly be, then you might keep it together long enough to raise the kids. Maybe.

I'm not recommending a broken home, I don't personally believe in divorce either, but I'm pragmatic. That only works because my wife doesn't believe in it either. <phew>

Married people give each other a LOT of reasons to want to break up, usually. It's the firm shared commitment to the marriage that gets you through those issues and keeps you on track. You two didn't really give yourselves time to develop that commitment or find something to stand on outside the 'wow" times, so you're paying for that now.

Even if you're willing, if she isn't, what can you do? You need to find something that will work for your lives that's real, and that may not happen with you together. If she's willing to try, then go for it, treat her like a queen, tolerate the betrayals that may come since her feelings aren't equal to yours, but as long as she's willing, keep trying.

If she's not, don't fight that too much, you two got on this ride together, you can't honestly believe forcing/fighting someone into staying will give any of you a happy home. It is what it is.

[George_1950]

slash1 writes: "she says that we are disconnected and that we should get divorced, i for one dont believe in divorce...i feel like she blames everything on me without taking any responsibility for her own actions or behaviors. i feel that we are happy and just going through the better or worse part of marriage... what should i do?"
She sounds as though her mind is made up, so you had better get into marriage counseling as soon as possible. Under today's laws, it takes two to marry, and one to divorce. If you are to keep it together, you need her consent.

[lacuran8626]

I would suggest that you take her out to dinner with the express purpose of listening to her and not arguing against what she tells you or trying to tell her she's wrong. This is hard to do. Just listen and try to focus on understanding what she feels and why she feels that way and what she thinks will be better if you get divorced.

Then ask if she'll listen to you in return. If the reason she wants a divorce is that she feels disconnected, listening to her may be the connection she is craving. When she complains about things, perhaps you respond defensively instead of really taking in what she has to say and trying to empathize with her instead of defending yourself?

Marriage counseling is a good idea. I would suggest that you let her know that if you do end up divorced, which you hope does not happen, you need to know for yourself and the kids that you can tell the children that you did everything you could to make your marriage work. She may want a trial separation during the counseling.

If she is in love with someone else, it may be that they are just the antidote to what she wants but isn't getting from you so even something that extreme may not be the end of things.

I think counseling is the best idea. It doesn't matter whether you are right or wrong about what's happening - what matters is what she feels and what the two of you are going to do about it. Being right doesn't count for much in a marriage. Understanding each other and taking each other's concerns seriously even if you feel they should feel differently, is what works in the long run... I think. Best wishes to you.

[donf]

Just what is a typical about of infidelity!

I've been married almost as long as dirt has been around and have never had a about of infidelity typical or "A" typical, nor has my wife.

When did your shared marriage vows become non existent?